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The B.Beard All-Stars: Hour Eight of Pokemon part 1

Posted by John Constantine

I wish I could tell you that I’ve gained some grand insight into the world of Pokémon. I have after all been wandering Sinnoh for just over a week now, clocking a little over seven hours. Things have not progressed much since I caught that Bidoof last Monday; I’ve been in some caves, gone to some other towns, kicked the crap out of some cult trying to give birth to a new universe. One guy made me talk to some clowns. Then he gave me a watch. It was freaking weird.

Pokémon is, pound for pound, the most violent game I’ve played pretty much ever. All you ever do is fight. The entire point of the game is fighting. There is literally nothing else you can do with the hundreds of little beasties you catch. You can give them fun names, dress them up with accessories, but all of it is in the name of making them beat the piss out of each other. Pokémon don’t kill though. The merely pound each other into exhaustion (which is really strange. It seems that none of them are predatory.) You see pokémon co-habiting and working — they are semi-sentient apparently — with other humans as you wander the land but you don’t get to engage in any of that. You can only fight. Every stranger you run into on the road? They will attack you. Sinnoh is a scary damn place.

As I enter my eighth hour, I am trying to find a bike. I’ve got to Lance Armstrong my way through some cave. Don’t ask. Join me and my team, The B.Beard All-Stars, as we look for the BMX of our dreams!

1:40pm – Just finished leveling GaryBuizel up to level 13. We’ve been in some mines fighting rock monsters and bats. She’s my Buizel.

1:44 – They All-Stars travelling with me at the moment are Lebowski the Geodude, Kulilin the Machop, GaryBuizel, The Artist Formerly Known as Shinx the Luxio, Stankonia the Staravia, and, of course, PeteGabril. Pete disproved intelligent design a couple of hours back when he transformed into a Monferno. He looks like someone remade The Warriors with monkeys. CAN YOU DIG IT!

1:50 – I’m currently trying to get from Jubilife City back to this crazy flower town filled with bug pokémon. I recently discovered that you can smear honey on trees to lure pokémon near them. How messed up is it that I’m tricking innocent beasts with sweet treats so I can shove them into balls I wear like jewelry?

1:55 – By the by, fishing is bullshit in Pokémon. All you ever catch is Magikarps. These guys are googly-eyed doofs that can’t do anything but take a punch until you’ve put them in a billion fights and then they turn into massive sea serpents. It’s indicative of how the game works as a whole; everything takes an enormous investment of time.

2:00 - I’ve left Floaroma Town again. Bought some honey, tried to get away from the creepy twins standing at the town gates.

Part 2

+ DIGG

+ DEL.ICIO.US

+ REDDIT

Posted Jul 10 2008, 02:00 PM

Filed under: john constantine, nintendo, nintendo ds, pokemon

Comments

Demaar said:

Yes, Pokemon is disturbing. If the animals didn't have cute names/attacks it'd be banned SO fast as teaching kids that dog/cock/etc fights are A-OK.

July 11, 2008 7:17 AM

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.