61 Frames Per Second

Alternate Soundtrack: Altered Beast vs. Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

Posted by Derrick Sanskrit

Altered Beast tells the story of a Centurian raised from the dead to rescue Athena from blahblahblah whatever. Altered Beast was an arcade beat 'em up from Sega in the 1980's, back when stories in video games existed but really served no purpose. Why did Donkey Kong kidnap Mario's girlfriend? Who cares? Climb to the top of the tower! And since when are Sega games known for their stories? Sonic the Hedgehog has a story, but all you care about is running real fast. NiGHTS has a story, but all you care about is flying around in circles. Crazy Taxi probably has a story, but it's even less important than the one in Sonic.

In Altered Beast, you are a dude in a tunic who beats up zombie monsters. You collect power-ups which first transform you into an oiled-up beefcake of homoerotic manliness and then into one of several powerful man-beasts. The game is short, shallow, and somewhat ridiculous. Amazingly, this running joke of a game was the pack-in software for the Sega Genesis until 1991, when Sonic the Hedgehog gave a whole new generation a reason to sit too close to the TV. It seems only fitting to partner this hilariously awkward but arguably fun game with the music of Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, Seattle's synth-pop answer to Electric Six who voluntarily chose to name themselves after an element from a Wachowski-produced film of an Alan Moore comic. Bad decisions all around, but its just so much fun!



Hey, you know what? That photoshop up there was kinda fun, too. How about another one?



Okay, that's enough of that.

Related articles:
No Alternate Soundtrack: Chibi-Robo
Alternate Soundtrack: Streets of Rage 2 vs. Test Icicles
Alternate Soundtrack: Sonic the Hedgehog vs. Ratatat
Gaga for Segagaga


Comments

Rob said:

Wow on so many levels.  Terrible band name with lyrics that are too hipster for their own good...and yet it works.  Altered Beast!

August 5, 2008 12:02 PM

Peter Smith said:

Truly, we live in a golden age of terrible band names.

August 5, 2008 12:14 PM

Derrick Sanskrit said:

I rather enjoy the album in a completely tongue-in-cheek manner, it just makes me sad that I'm several years older than everybody in the band. When did I get "old"? Look at that picture in the sidebar! I'm a baby!

Speaking of artists with poor choices in names, how long until Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett) comes out with some new recorded material? I love playing his albums as I troll the dungeons in the original Zelda.

August 5, 2008 6:54 PM

Demaar said:

I'd try this, but there are two problems: 1. My Megadrive probably doesn't work anymore and 2. I don't think I could bring myself to play Altered Beast again after this many years.

Great band though.

August 17, 2008 10:42 PM

in

Archives

  • April 2009 (110)
  • March 2009 (186)
  • July 2008 (143)
  • June 2008 (108)
  • May 2008 (92)
  • about the blogger

    John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

    Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

    Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

    Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

    Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

    Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

    Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

    Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


    Send tips to 61fps@nerve.com