I love video games. If you're reading this you probably do too. And yet, even games I like often have parts that I hate. Parts that annoy and dissatisfy. Parts that disappoint. And parts that force my entire vocabulary of profane wordage to erupt involuntarily from my throat in blind rage. Starting with the mildest offenders and working our way up, let's see what sets me off. Rage + 1. Skies of Arcadia Legends and random monster encounters every two friggin steps – This is one of my favorite RPGs. I love it, but I really think the encounter rate is just a touch too high. Come on already! Rage + 2. The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass and that one dungeon – You know the one. The one you have to revisit over and over and over and over and over and over... Seems like I've been here before... Rage + 3. Sonic and the Secret Rings and the controls of doom – This game does not suck. For a 3-D Sonic title, it's pretty darn good. But sometimes the control scheme does not work. Sometimes you die because Sonic can't turn around. Sometimes you die because his air dash sends you flying off into oblivion. Sometimes Sonic just sucks. Not as cool as you think you are. Rage + 4. Sonic Adventure and everything in it – I couldn't beat the first area with Tails because the wind kept killing me and the ground was a lie. Sega, your game is broken. Rage + 5. Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party announcer guy – I bought this game simply for the exercise and after about 10 minutes developed a pure loathing for the announcer guy. Yeah, I already know I suck. You don't need to tell me, announcer guy. Go choke on a sweat sock. Less talk. continued in part 2... Related Links: Whatcha Playing: On the Road Again Watcha Playing: Loving/Hating Mario Kart Wii Ranty McRant Rant: What the Hell does Casual Mean?
Skies of Arcadia stopped being fun for me at Horteka. I played until that snow place, expecting the charm of the early part of the game to come back, but I gave up. A large part of it has to do with that damned random battle system. Ugh.
John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.
Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.
Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.
Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.
Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.
Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.
Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.
Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.
Send tips to 61fps@nerve.com
