61 Frames Per Second

Things that Make Me Swear Profusely: A Top 10 List - part 2

Posted by Amber Ahlborn



In part 1, I listed a few game moments that furrowed my brow and set my teeth on edge, but we really don't see the old temper flare up until we hit the second half. Look away oh faint of heart and sound proof the walls. Now I start yelling.

Rage + 6. Final Fantasy 9 and, wait, what do I have to do? - I don't know what to say here, other than to point out that the side quests for getting the best stuff in the game hit Random in Final Fantasy 8 and sped right past Retarded in Final Fantasy 9. I looked at a FAQ once to see what was hidden in the game and the tasks were so tedious, nonsensical and stupid that I didn't even want to try. Screw you Square.



Here are some of the fun things you can't get unless you're a masochist.

Rage + 7
. Jak 3 flipping over the dune buggies – Apparently, even the biggest buggies are made of super light-weight tinfoil and will roll over three dozen times at the slightest provocation.



Of course, this guy seems to be a better driver than I am.


Rage + 8. Mario Kart Wii Blue Shell and Lightning Cloud – and well, about every other item in the game. I don't really hate MK Wii and its occasionally overbearing items, but few things make me cuss like a drunken sailor more than a bad day at the races.



Sometimes I just have to walk away.


Rage + 9. Final Fantasy 10 Lightning Dodging – What a mind numbingly stupid challenge. It's not hard, it's just not remotely fun, and getting hit by a bolt after dodging it 194 times could lead to violence done to innocent electronics.



I'd rather chew glass. Oh wait, that'll be a mini-game challenge in the next Final Fantasy!


Rage + 10. Final Fantasy 10 Chocobo Race – Whoever is responsible for this bullshit should be covered in honey and staked to a fire ant hill. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits. Hate, is not a strong enough word for how I feel about this mini-game. Final Fantasy 10 force fed some of the most heinous mini games down the throats of any gamer who wanted to get the ultimate weapons and by far the worst was the Chocobo Race where you rode a bird that steered like a semi truck missing a few wheels in an attempt to hit balloons with microscopic hit detection boxes while dodging high speed homing missiles in the shape of seagulls. Sheer, unadulterated, inexcusable pain has been wrought here.



Ultimate Rage Inducing.



Related Links:

Things that Make Me Swear Profusely: A Top 10 List - part 1


Top 5 Reasons Why 2009 Will Bring the End of Lists

What Games Actually Appeal to Casual Gamers



Comments

Minor Setback said:

I couldn't agree with #10 more.  I'm pretty sure I might've fractured a few bones in my right hand because of that race.  Just watching a video of it is making me feel sick!

January 16, 2009 2:00 PM

AlexB said:

What the hell happened to the original Mario Kart blue shell? In its original form, it took out anyone who got in its way, finally hitting the person in front. It was useful and didn't appear often. Now the damn things come all the time, and since they only hit the person in front, do nothing to help the person who actually used the item. What the hell! Why haven't they changed this?

January 16, 2009 5:18 PM

Amber Ahlborn said:

AlexB, you've typed my own opinion word for word.  The Blue shell only helps whoever is in 2nd place.

January 16, 2009 7:05 PM

Kajillion said:

The whole list could have been the FFX minigames, none of them were fun at all.

January 16, 2009 11:16 PM

Amber Ahlborn said:

Agreed, but I felt bad about loading the list with nothing but FF 10 stuff so I limited myself to what I felt were the worst two offenders.

January 17, 2009 12:45 AM

LBD "Nytetrayn" said:

AlexB stole my line. :(

January 17, 2009 2:19 AM

AlexB said:

There were many good entries on this list, and if I'd add one, it would be fishing in Twilight Princess. I can't even remember why I had so much trouble with it, but fishing was necessary to progress in the game and I just couldn't get the mechanics of it down. It took me many, many tries and I nearly gave up in frustration. It just pissed me off that they would make such an arbitrary part of the game a necessary part of the overall progression. It was like driving at 70 MPH and then hitting a stop sign.

January 17, 2009 11:05 AM

Amber Ahlborn said:

Now see, I've heard a lot of people complain about that initial bobber fishing task in Zelda but I had no problem with it.  I guess when most people think about fishing, they think rod and reel and the principle of bobber fishing is too different. I dunno, after a couple seconds of initial fumbling, I found what I needed to do simple.  I had a much harder time getting out of that cell when I was first a wolf since I'd forgotten about shaking the remote to attack.

January 17, 2009 7:29 PM

AlexB said:

You know, I suppose that's true. I didn't mind fishing on the canoe because it was totally different.

Ahaha, yeah. That part where you have to get out of the cell was confusing for me as well.

January 18, 2009 1:28 PM

About Amber Ahlborn

Artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

in

Archives

  • April 2009 (110)
  • March 2009 (186)
  • July 2008 (143)
  • June 2008 (108)
  • May 2008 (92)
  • about the blogger

    John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

    Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

    Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

    Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

    Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

    Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

    Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

    Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


    Send tips to 61fps@nerve.com