61 Frames Per Second

Browse by Tags

(RSS)

16-Bit Morals: Mario Threatens Hell Upon Drug Users

Hey kids! Are you confused about drugs? Are you suffering through relentless peer pressure and questions with no clear answers? Take some advice from the game mascot who consumes twice his weight in mushrooms every time his frilly pink girlfriend gets kidnapped by a giant turtle.

Heroes from video games, cartoons, and anime have been thrust into some pretty awkward PSAs, but unbeknownst to me until now, Super Mario took the “Whoa!” cake. Captain Lou pulled on his overalls and secured his Mario hat on his head before going on the air and informing kids that if they do drugs, they're going to Hell before they die.

Oh, Christ. This would have terrified me as a kid. If I'd had Mario's assurance that I'm going to Hell for touching drugs, I would never have gotten tangled up in that unpleasant incident involving the Yom Kippur bong. Maybe I coulda been someone.

Fear for your soul after the jump.

16-bit Morals: Sonic Warns You About Uncle Ernie

I watched video game-based cartoons for two reasons. First, it was something to fan my buzz when my parents made me turn off the Nintendo. Second, to feed the fanfic writer gestating inside me. I hoped that game cartoons would expand on the meagre stories games offered back then. I probably don't need to tell you that I was often disappointed. In the beginning, I actually believed that these cartoons were written by highly-paid enthusiasts who were bursting with their own ideas. I didn't think of them as desperate writers who recruited their nephews and nieces for crash courses in Mario lore (obvious exception: Bob Forward, who wrote the Legend of Zelda and Beast Wars). It didn't take long for the truth to hit me, and it wasn't the bad writing that betrayed these ladies and gentlemen. It was the kindergarten-level morals that got crammed into most episodes of most everything.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.