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8-Bit Love: The Ten Greatest Vintage Game Songs to Have Sex To, part 2

Cyriaque Lamar is a New York-based writer with a New Jersey-bred weltanschauung. He’s had original work published at Cracked.com and performed at The New York International Fringe Festival. Cyriaque is thrilled to contribute to 61FPS, as it brings him one step closer to his childhood dream of living on the set of Nick Arcade.

5.) Final Fight CD – “Walk In the Park (Bay Area)”

System: Sega CD (1993)
Sounds Like: A sweaty nooner with Don Johnson.
I always loved the premise of Final Fight. The idea of a city’s mayor stripping down to his underjohns and beating the shit out of unemployed people in order to stimulate job growth was really ahead of its time. Wait? Mike Haggar was actually fighting to save his daughter from an evil street gang? And here I thought the game was some kind of radical Objectivist propaganda. This Bay Area theme is classic whatever console you play Final Fight on, but the Sega CD version pushes it to the limit with gale-force porno guitars. Seriously, these riffs are like an F4 on the Fujita Scale. In my mind’s eye, the person who would get the most out of this track wears a ton of sea foam green and frequents Fort Lauderdale whorehouses. Sometimes, you just gotta be that person. When it comes to the Sega CD, the only thing sleazier is Night Trap.

Posted Apr 16 2009, 05:00 PM by John Constantine with | with no comments

8-Bit Love: The Ten Greatest Vintage Game Songs to Have Sex To, part 1

Cyriaque Lamar is a New York-based writer with a New Jersey-bred weltanschauung. He’s had original work published at Cracked.com and performed at The New York International Fringe Festival. Cyriaque is thrilled to contribute to 61FPS, as it brings him one step closer to his childhood dream of living on the set of Nick Arcade.

There are three reasons this list exists. First, I felt obliged to highlight 61FPS’s distinction as the gaming apparatchik of an internet sex publication. Second, I wished to showcase the unsung virtuosos of yesteryear who made masterworks using a limited palette of sounds. Finally, I intend to rebut those critics who still dismiss video games as low culture. Using the below examples, I intend to reclaim the carnal legacy of video games by evincing how early console music illustrated the gamut of human sexuality, from atavistic, heteronormative modes of eroticism to polymorphous perversity as delineated by Freud.

Plus, the thought of people sticking penises into vaginas to Nintendo music is funny.

10.) Radical Dreamers – “The Girl Who Stole the Stars”

System: Super Famicom Satellaview (1996)
Sounds Like: Koyaanisqatsi composed on Mario Paint.
Since roughly 95% of all human lovemaking involves someone with a XX chromosome pairing, I thought it necessary to seek out my female associates’ thoughts on which game music best applies to amore. The suggestions I received were few yet incisive — responses ranged from “the Kid Icarus theme” to “Who the eff effs to video games?” Ultimately though, I deferred to my own instincts and picked this pan-pipe jam from the Japan-exclusive, text-based sequel to Chrono Trigger. Composed by the legendary Yasunori Mitsuda, “The Girl Who Stole the Stars” is easily the most romantic theme on our list.

Posted Apr 16 2009, 04:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 1 comment(s)

Licensing Tragedies: The Donkey Kong Country Cartoon

Nine out of ten platformer fans with two working eyes agree that the computer-rendered sprites used in Donkey Kong Country were a bit more impressive fourteen years ago. Even so, Donkey Kong Country's visuals still succeed in its portrayal of certain key environments: lush (if flat) jungle foliage, colourful coral, atmospheric snowstorms, and rich orange-and-red sunsets. Additionally, the series' characters were likable until Donkey Kong 64 dragged each simian into monkey hell.

The Kong clan may have been slain by the DK Rap, but I maintain that 1996's French Canadian Donkey Kong Country cartoon helped engineer the gallows. The two disasters are not necessarily connected, except by name, but both can be accused of bland presentation and a noticeable lack of humour and fun.

I will admit that I am criticising a pile of alphabet blocks, here: the Donkey Kong Country cartoon was meant for very young audiences, and it was the family-oriented showpiece for the launch of Teletoon, Canada's animation channel. It was no surprise Nelvana saw fit to give Donkey Kong a vocabulary beyond “Ook ook grunt,” and a story beyond “Beat up reptiles for bananas.” Even so, the crew rarely did anything except thwart King K Rool's attempts to grab Donkey's, uh, “Crystal Coconut” episode after episode. Also, there was a prophecy about Donkey Kong ruling the island or something. Hooray, life under a gorilla regime.

Posted Mar 16 2009, 07:39 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: snes, donkey kong country, super nintendo, 16-bit, cartoon, nadia oxford, donkey kong country 2, licensing tragedies

You Won't Agree With This: GameTrailers' Top Ten Video Game Themes Ever

Editors love Top Ten lists. There is so very little in this vast world that can be summed up with a Top Ten list, which is why readers go orangutan when writers try. And "readers going orangutan" is a proven traffic-booster.

The thing is, nobody can resist the pull of these lists. We want to see our personal favourites up on the marquee; we want validation in an anonymous world. Lord knows that when GameTrailers/Screw Attack uploaded its list of the Top Ten Video Game Themes Ever, I loaded the hell out of the video just so I could sit back and yell at it.

Not to say Screw Attack made bad choices. Most of them are pretty obvious. It's just impossible to please everyone, least of all me.

For instance, I'm not so sure about choosing the Prelude for the whole Final Fantasy series (Screw Attack limited suggestions to one per franchise). The Prelude theme is very nice and it certainly represents the series as a whole, but there are other songs that are far more striking. The Opera from Final Fantasy VI, for starters. Or the Redwings' anthem from Final Fantasy IV. I can at least give Screw Attack credit for not choosing One Winged Angel from Final Fantasy VII. I saw that performed as a jangling mess at Video Games Live, confirming a suspicion I've long held: the song is not particularly well-written.

Posted Oct 17 2008, 08:12 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: screw attack, mega man, donkey kong country, game music, controversy, nadia oxford, secret of mana, gametrailers, donkey kong country 2, indecision

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.