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God of War III Does Not Need Another Sex Mini-Game

I was struck by a nugget of information which opened Gamepro's interview with God of War III's Sig Asmussen (That's the kind of name a fella named Cole Stryker can get behind) regarding the game's use of sexual mini-games.

Will the sexy mini-games return for God of War 3? Yes, that is my first question. [laughter]
Stig Asmussen: It's definitely something we're looking at. The sex mini-games are a double-edged sword: we're damned if we do, we're damned if we don't. If we do include a sex mini-game and don't add anything new to it, then people will say it's getting old. If we don't include the sex mini-game, then the fans will be in an uproar. We're trying to come up with a clever new way of advancing it. If it works, and it plays into the experience, then we'll do it. If it doesn't work, I have no problem saying "this is turning into a gimmick" and putting those resources somewhere else.

Really? Fans will be in an uproar if they don't include a sex mini-game. Can it be true that developers spend so much time hearing about these controversies from the mainstream media that they actually believe controversial content to be relevant to gamers? So much so that they would be in an "uproar" if God of War III didn't include one? How out of touch with reality can one possibly be?

Posted Feb 19 2009, 03:05 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: sex, cole stryker, facepalm, mini-game, god of war iii

Facepalm: Will Trade Sex for Everquest

Would you be willing to let other men sleep with your wife in exchange for phat l00tz? Well, some abhorent slime is.

Posted Jan 30 2009, 05:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: cole stryker, addiction, everquest, facepalm

Mother Says Baby Game for the DS Will Start a Living Room Jihad

There was a time when our ancestors avoided the jaws of the sabretooth tiger and other threats by invoking the help of mysterious nature-gods. These rituals were based around fear and superstition, and the results were dictated by coincidences and circumstance.

Today, we are guided by intellect instead of fear—oh wait, no we're not. We're still scared of the uncertain. How can we not be, when wild-eyed foreigners somehow slip their pro-Islamic propaganda into Nintendo DS games about washing babies.

Rachel Jones from Indiana claims that the copy of Baby Pals she bought for her daughter has a baby who coos, “Islam is the light.” Incidentally, Jones is the same unfun mother who started a crusade last October over a Fisher-Price doll that reportedly said the same thing.

Jones says she feels bad for being forced to constantly take these Jihad-instigating toys away from her children. I think Jesus is smiling on her, though. Out of everything he preached about love, acceptance, and avoiding hypocrisy, he was most adamant that parents should do away with nonsense-babbling toys.

There's a news report after the jump. The anchors look horrified over the whole business.

Posted Jan 28 2009, 10:51 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: nintendo ds, media, stupid, nadia oxford, facepalm, islam, baby pals, mom

Facepalm: GameDaily Talks to Porn Stars...Again

Sigh.

Posted Jan 14 2009, 03:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: cole stryker, porn, sexism, facepalm, gamedaily

Facepalm: Kotaku Makes News out of Dude's Bisexuality

While we were on break, Kotaku's Brian Ashcraft reblogged a 1Up interview with former Capcom employee Yoshiki Okamoto. Weirdly, he focused on this rather saucy detail from the interview;

Mr. Nishiyama used to work at Capcom as well, so we bonded over the hard work we shared there, and we've been good friends ever since. Both of us had long stretches where we weren't in a relationship, but he would always be sharing a room with some guy. Not me, I mean we were friends. Just friends. I'm pretty sure Mr. Nishiyama is bisexual. But I'm straight. I only like girls, but he likes both. Mr. Nishiyama taught me how to turn my ideas into game design documents, but he didn't teach me about men.

And then Brian "Not that there's anything wrong with that" Ashcraft provides the following commentary:

Oh. Okay. If this is true and not just Okamoto making crap up, hey, more power to president Nishiyama. If this is not true and is just Okamoto making crap up, he should be more careful with things he says publicly.

Posted Jan 05 2009, 02:04 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: kotaku, capcom, 1up, cole stryker, dimps, facepalm, bran ashcraft

Facepalm: Games Radar - Paragons of Journalistic Integrity

I had originally intended to make "Facepalm" a weekly feature, but the industry has been extra heinous lately, and well...you'll see.

Games Radar is responsible for many of the most egregious examples of Diggbait, and this one surely hits the bottom of the barrel. Titled, "Video Games' Most Important Farty Butts", the article showcases flatulance from Boogerman, Beavis and Butthead, Wario and more. I think what most bothers me about this article are the words, "most important", as if any farty butt was worth memorializing.

Posted Oct 02 2008, 12:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: cole stryker, journalism, facepalm

Facepalm: Gamer Grub Supports Your Cognitive Functions

Man, do I feel bad for the copywriter at Biosilo Foods. I've written ad copy for the worst of them, but can you imagine writing this whopper:

Biosilo Foods is a young, progressive company that is set out to transform the food and beverage industry. With revolutionary innovation as the prime directive, Biosilo Foods is building a portfolio of new food and beverage categories.

Ugh. How soul crushing must that brand management meeting have been. So, Biosilo has a new product offering called Gamer Grub. It's a snack for h4rdc0re gamers, ergonomically designed so you don't spill Cheeto dust all over your man-boobs (Gamer Joke!). I'm grubbin' it!

Action Pizza! Racing Wasabi! Strategy Chocolate! Sports PB&J! What, no Survival Horror Strawberry? No Cool Ranch Dating Sim?

Posted Sep 30 2008, 12:00 AM by Cole Stryker with | with no comments

Filed under: cole stryker, gamers, facepalm, gamer grub, biosilo

Facepalm: Gaming While Driving

Two Facepalms in two days? Madness! A bus driver has been supsended for playing a PSP while driving.

HONOLULU -- Less than a day after KITV broke the story of a city bus driver playing a video game while driving a bus, the driver is on unpaid leave and being investigated Wednesday.

The president of The Bus apologized for the incident and said he's "embarrassed" by it less than a month after another bus driver was arrested for drunk driving while operating a city bus.

Posted Sep 25 2008, 10:00 AM by Cole Stryker with | with no comments

Filed under: psp, cole stryker, addiction, facepalm

Facepalm: 360 vs PS3 Boob Physics Comparison

Sometimes I come across things on the internet that just make me want to throw my consoles out the window and never play another video game. For those moments, I've created a new recurring feature: Facepalm.

This comes courtesy of the scholars at Digg (where else?!). It's a video comparing the, uh, jiggle factor of Soul Calibur's leading ladies on the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. Why? Because, shut up, that's why.

Insightful commentary:

thankuvrylittle: In all honesty, the 360 ones definitely move in a more sexually appealing way.

spikyvashy: I'll tell u which game has girls with some nice boobs, The girls from the DOA' franchise

spvn: damn it's hard to keep track of all 4 of them at the same time...

Hurr hurr hurr! The offending video, after the jump:

Posted Sep 24 2008, 01:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: xbox 360, cole stryker, ps3, diggbait, facepalm, jiggle factor

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.