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Stupid Hero Names: Nobody Wants to Celebrate a Man Named "Squall."

One of my other jobs involves keeping an eye on celebrities and writing about their lives. This means I have to find it in me to rejoice in the births of their badly-named babies. Hooray for Lady Sugar Papaya. She might not be as special and unique as the Blue Angels and Pilot Inspektors in her Academy, but surely she won't have to resort to affirming her individuality through the arts or academics.

Video games, especially JRPGs, are pretty big on inoculating characters with a "Special!" booster before the game even begins. Names obviously define a person, but they're not a free pass to depth and wisdom. You have to grow into a name, even earn it in a way. If Cloud Strife is a deep and complex character (he's not) it's because of his trials and journeys, not because his name is more l33t than yours.

I always liked Wild ARMS because the main characters were compelling despite the fact they were stuck with names obviously given to them by their parents and not mental hospital escapees. Jack. Rudy, Cecilia. I remember them well to this day and I have yet to think to myself, "Gee, those were great characters but too bad Rudy wasn't named Sir Puppy Tails the III. That would have added so much."

I Would Go to War for Laguna Loire

I have always liked Final Fantasy VIII's secondary protagonist, Laguna Loire, because he carries a machine gun and he doesn't know what the Christ he's doing.

1UP.com did a good thing by putting Laguna in their list of Top Ten Video Game Politicians. True, Americans don't need another befuddled circus poodle as a President. They've already endured eight years of hind-leg jumping and yelping and it stopped being cute once they actually noticed that the poodle's eyes were rolling and saliva was trickling from the corners of its wide-open gob. Laguna doesn't make the best choices either, but at least he doesn't drool. Not when he's in good health.

Not only would I vote for the sheepish and shy Laguna Loire, I would put on my stylish anime soldier uniform follow him into battle, likewise confused about how to successfully fight one of these "war" things. What counts is that Laguna means well and has an ample supply of luck that seems to counter personal disaster. All he has to do is believe and try, and everything works out for him. He might step in poo, but it comes up as gold.

Except for breaking every bone in his body.

Except for being torn away from the love of his life.

Except for being miles away from his girlfriend while she dies giving birth to their son (JRPG females still need to evolve thicker birth canals that can handle spiked hair).

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.