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Realize the Futility of Life with The Linear RPG

Being a serious RPG gamer involves a certain amount of lying to yourself--especially if you happen to be a fan of traditional, linear RPGs. I'm currently in the middle of Dragon Quest V (review forthcoming, I swear), and for as much fun as it is, if I were to view the game solely based on its most essential elements, I'd be rather disillusioned. For what is the Japanese RPG but a place to do nothing but sink one's time? Sorry for the formality--my mind has been blown apart by the subject of this post, and all I can do is think back to my high school English classes to form cogent sentences.

The reason my world has been rendered to rubble is primarily because of Sophie Houlden's Flash game, The Linear RPG. As I stated before, there's nothing more shameful for an RPG gamer than to have his (or her) genre revealed to be a total sham, and that's what The Linear RPG is all about. The game breaks the genre down into its most simple components; you control a stick figure who wanders from town to town as the game's story scrolls by in the background, completely dependent on your progress. It's not technically a game, per se, but that's exactly the point it's trying to make; all of your traditional RPGs are essentially The Linear RPG, except dressed up with bells and whistles.

The Things We Do For Levels

It all started about 10 years ago with a little game called Final Fantasy VII--actually, it started many years before that, but in my head the origin of this particular issue starts with Square's world-changing blockbuster. You see, as a teenager with a lot of time on his hands and no real income to speak of, I felt obligated to get the most out of every game I purchased; and with Final Fantasy VII, this meant I eventually invested hours and hours in the delightful field of Chocobo breeding. But there was just one problem: the racing necessary to beef up your breeding Chocobo's stats was extremely boring, and, if I remember correctly, only required the mashing of a single button.

My solution to combat this boredom? Whenever a race started, I would entertain myself by hitting "play" on the nearest VCR remote control--usually with a recent episode of The Simpsons--and come back to my game minutes later, already in progress. But the problem of needing backup entertainment to entertain me when my regular entertainment wasn't cutting the mustard didn't really dawn on me until later in life. Let's just say that I'm happy I never played video games on a picture-in-picture set; it probably would have corrupted my gaming habits permanently.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.