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GameSetWatch Lampoons IGN Writing

GameSetWatch's Alex Litel (always a good read) has crafted an excellent parody of IGN's editorial style. He's posted a fake review of Citizen Kane: The Videogame, a hilarious sendup of this rather stupid editorial. I'll paste my favorite paragraphs:

But it turns out the marketing by anti-marketing, was for the best. Gaming grammar may not quite be the same after the cognizant, cogent gameplay of this game. This game has a little of everything, like Grand Theft Auto IV, but on steroids and far more incredible. The game creates a nonpareil kinetic bond, whether you like or not.
Quite literally but also metaphorically, Citizen Kane: The Video Game is the Citizen Kane of video games—a marvelously applaudable feat that gallantly contorts with the poise and consistence of a second-year community college dance appreciation professor as she stoutheartedly gallops on the morbidly determined divinity to provide a blitzkrieg of introspection into the most tepid slice of Americana.

Bahaha. Yes.

Posted Mar 02 2009, 05:30 PM by Cole Stryker with | with no comments

Filed under: cole stryker, journalism, ign, gamesetwatch, alex litel

de Blob Sequel Probably on the Way!

61FPS favorite de Blob has sold well enoug to justify a sequel. This is a fairy-tale story for indie publishers.

Posted Jan 26 2009, 04:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 2 comment(s)

Filed under: cole stryker, de blob, thq, ign, gears of war 2, sequels

Mega Man 9 Review: Pay No Attention to the Numbers. For My Sanity and Yours.

I don't get to review stuff too often in my writing "career." I'm far more thankful for this than you might imagine.

I correct myself. I do actually review Japanese manga over at Mania.com and I'm pretty okay with receiving free manga. But reviewing manga is as easy as petting a dog. I read the story within an hour, write up my opinions and Bob's yer uncle, as my mom says (for some reason). Reviewing a game, on the other hand, is as treacherous as petting a wolf. You might get through it alive, but then again you might be missing your large intestine by the end of it.

Writing a game review is such a nasty business because gamers decided at some point that they're allergic to reading. It all comes down to the numbers. Yes, numbers are the universal language, but come on. The world is so much larger than 8.8.

Posted Sep 19 2008, 08:10 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: mega man 9, rant, nadia oxford, ign, reviews, 8.8

IGN Pwned by Random Dude on a Forum

Linking to some guy's rant on a forum doesn't exactly fall under journalistic best practices, but Select Button's Broco had me rolling in the aisles with this scathing indictment of IGN's journalistic integrity. Basically, he picked a random review (Rock Band 2) and blotted out all the meaningless cliches and empty verbiage. It's twenty-two paragraphs of tripe, and well, it speaks for itself. Here are the opening two paragraphs:

Harmonix launched music games into a whole new arena with the release of Rock Band last year. No longer did music games have to be about just playing the drums or the guitar or singing. All three elements were merged together into a cohesive and thoroughly enjoyable package. But while Rock Band was a breath of fresh air, it did have some issues. With the release of Rock Band 2 less than a year after the original, Harmonix addresses many of the past concerns and adds an awesome new online mode, certain to keep gamers rockin' for another year.

The biggest addition isn't a new feature or function, but 84 new songs. All master tracks, these 84 songs represent the single greatest collection of songs in a game to date. Headlining the new tracks is the first Guns N' Roses single in more than a decade, "Shackler's Revenge." Along with these are a slew of incredible songs that span the '60s right up to today. AC/DC, Metallica, The Talking Heads, Pearl Jam, Journey, Megadeath, Modest Mouse, Rage Against the Machine, Bon Jovi, Jane's Addiction -- I could keep going, but you get the point. There are some brilliant songs here. And while there are going to be a few tracks each person will not care for, there's far more good here than bad.

Posted Sep 16 2008, 12:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: cole stryker, journalism, rock band 2, ign, hilary goldstein

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.