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Licensing Tragedies: Sonic Live!

Topless Robot hosted a contest for the worst single-issue comic of all time. It was a tough call, but a winner emerged. Now for the surprise: Sonic the Hedgehog is involved.

In the year 20XX, Archie put out a single-issue “comic” called “Sonic Live!” More accurately, “Sonic Live! The Last Game Cartridge Hero!” I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about that title.

The Sonic the Hedgehog comic is actually extremely long-lived, and like any creature of slow mortality, it's taken some pretty regrettable turns. “Sonic Live!” probably marks the series' deepest plunge, but I doubt you need me to elaborate. Just think of a genuinely exciting example of real-life kids teaming up with cartoon characters who tumbled out of the television. Take your time; I'll go make a big sandwich.

Posted Mar 24 2009, 11:57 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 2 comment(s)

Filed under: sonic the hedgehog, sega genesis, nadia oxford, licensing tragedies, sonic live

Playing Treasure's Lost PS2 Game

I don’t know how this got past me, but I’m on it now: a few weeks ago, the unreleased game saviors at Lost Levels gave up on their seven year wait for Tiny Toons: Defenders of the Universe and finally pushed the beta they had been sitting on into public channels. The reason you should care about such inexplicable, unfinished, licensed pap? Two reasons. It’s from Treasure, the Japanese game developer everyone so loves (probably too much). And it’s been billed in the past as the spiritual successor to Rakugaki Showtime, the cult crayon arena fighter nobody’s ever played.

Posted Mar 19 2009, 05:00 PM by Joe Keiser with | with no comments

Filed under: ps2, treasure, joe keiser, licensing tragedies, unreleased games, rakugaki showtime, leaked games

Licensing Tragedies: The Donkey Kong Country Cartoon

Nine out of ten platformer fans with two working eyes agree that the computer-rendered sprites used in Donkey Kong Country were a bit more impressive fourteen years ago. Even so, Donkey Kong Country's visuals still succeed in its portrayal of certain key environments: lush (if flat) jungle foliage, colourful coral, atmospheric snowstorms, and rich orange-and-red sunsets. Additionally, the series' characters were likable until Donkey Kong 64 dragged each simian into monkey hell.

The Kong clan may have been slain by the DK Rap, but I maintain that 1996's French Canadian Donkey Kong Country cartoon helped engineer the gallows. The two disasters are not necessarily connected, except by name, but both can be accused of bland presentation and a noticeable lack of humour and fun.

I will admit that I am criticising a pile of alphabet blocks, here: the Donkey Kong Country cartoon was meant for very young audiences, and it was the family-oriented showpiece for the launch of Teletoon, Canada's animation channel. It was no surprise Nelvana saw fit to give Donkey Kong a vocabulary beyond “Ook ook grunt,” and a story beyond “Beat up reptiles for bananas.” Even so, the crew rarely did anything except thwart King K Rool's attempts to grab Donkey's, uh, “Crystal Coconut” episode after episode. Also, there was a prophecy about Donkey Kong ruling the island or something. Hooray, life under a gorilla regime.

Posted Mar 16 2009, 07:39 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: snes, donkey kong country, super nintendo, 16-bit, cartoon, nadia oxford, donkey kong country 2, licensing tragedies

Jumper and How Not to Make a Game

Initially I was going to review Jumper: Griffin’s Story, that horrible bit of Wii licensed movie dreck that a “friend” gave me for Christmas (he knows who he is, and that vengeance will be swift). But I hit a snag in that there’s no reason to review Jumper; it’s obvious it would get the lowest possible score, and there’s no risk of anyone ever, every buying it.

But there’s still something to be said about Jumper, insomuch as there is something to say about any work that’s so bad it throws all the mistakes that can be made into high relief. Jumper, well, it makes most of them. Let’s look at the rules and how they were broken here:

Have even a little ambition: Jumper: Griffin’s Story is a 3D button-mashing brawling game—not a bad concept in and of itself. But Jumper is the most generic implementation of the genre: it’s literally a series of linearly connected rooms filled with enemies. Beat enough enemies or activate enough enemy spawn points and you can move on. Almost everything even a little bit interesting is relegated to cutscenes.

The one interesting thing the game does leave to the player is the ability to teleport anywhere the Wii Remote is pointing. This is used for exactly one puzzle in the game, and for running away. In other words, it’s completely wasted.

Finally, you can go from start screen to end credits in this game in two hours. Two! Even for a licensed gamed, this is pretty unexcusable stuff.

Posted Jan 06 2009, 12:00 PM by Joe Keiser with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: wii, worst game ever, joe keiser, licensing tragedies, jumper

Licensing Tragedies: Malibu's Street Fighter Comic

This is an adequate time to be a Street Fighter fan. Thanks to the the launch of Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and Street Fighter IV on the horizon, we have been given a reason to keep breathing throughout the day.

Even better, we can go to our local comic retailer and exchange tuppence and a ha'penny for the very competent Street Fighter comic books by Udon. Purists can even help themselves to translated Street Fighter manga, full of bristling hairdos and hoarse oaths.

Ah, but life wasn't always so beautiful. There was a time when developers were scared to let US-bound video games and Japanese culture touch each other, so American comic book companies were commissioned to break out their Crayolas and scribble some cash-in magic. Bad things happened, Malibu's Street Fighter comic being among the worst.

Fans of The Simpsons might recall Marge Simpson's declaration that everything must be paired up: a woman for every man, a salt shaker for every pepper shaker and a dog for every cat. Malibu noticed that in the Street Fighter games, Chun Li wasn't paired with a man and they decided that must change immediately. So we have golden flashbacks where Ryu and Chun Li recall the love and laughter of their salad days. Of course, the narrative outside of the flashbacks are serious business. Things have changed, harumph harumph. Times are darker.

Posted Nov 27 2008, 01:04 AM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: street fighter, capcom, comics, nadia oxford, licensing, licensing tragedies, udon, malibu

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.