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Mega64 versus Metal Gear Solid 4's Dad

Despite these tough times, the sun still rises, and those lovable scamps over at Mega64 are up to their old tricks. I think we'll all be okay.

Mega64 was at GDC this year, because it's important for someone to get all up in the face of video games when they become Serious Business. Sometimes, though, Serious Business bites back. At 2007's GDC, the boys of Mega64 dressed as Mario and Luigi and frolicked through the city streets, harassing attendees and women on cellphones. Everything was fun and games until some guy named “Shee-guyo Me-a-photo” put his hands on his hips and beat down the party with a look that said, “Come on guys, plumbers and mustaches are not joke material.”

Mega64 took the lesson to heart, but got a bit naughty again at 2009's GDC with a parody of Metal Gear Solid 4. Serious Business raised its solemn head once again, but this time the boys were running for their lives.

Posted Mar 30 2009, 07:44 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: hideo kojima, mario, shigeru miyamoto, metal gear solid 4, cliffy b, link, fan stuff, nadia oxford, mega64

The Legend of Zelda: Manifest Destiny

The assembled audience held their breath. Satoru Iwata had played them all. He said there would be no new Zelda announcement at the Game Developers Conference. He lied. The lights dimmed, and the trailer rolled.

Wind Waker’s Toon Link sits on bended knee. Text appears:

"Link, you have crossed a vast ocean and found a new Hyrule for us to settle!"

A golden railroad spike descends into a fire-red z in The Legend of Zelda: Manifest Destiny.

Cut to a monocled Link checking his pocket watch impatiently on a train platform. A moblin tries to sell him the day’s paper. Link chases him away with the new Dandy’s Cane item.

“Join Link as he brutally wipes out the indigenous people of Zelda's new kingdom!”

Posted Mar 25 2009, 08:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 2 comment(s)

Filed under: john constantine, nintendo ds, legend of zelda, link, satoru iwata, spirit tracks

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Stupidity

The Legend of Zelda cartoon was one of the more competent game-based television series to foul up the '80s. That's not saying much, I suppose, especially when you recall some of the show's more ridiculous traits. Here's ten minutes of The Legend of Zelda, as collected and sewn together by The Switcher. Guaranteed to make you cringe and say, "Oh Christ above why did I love this? No wonder nobody ever came to my birthday parties."

I don't think I was ever aware that the Zelda cartoon had a considerable amount of innuendo. Dude, Link tried to ambush Zelda on her bed. If I were the king, I'd turn that impish rogue out on his bum and just set down some fly paper around the Triforce of Wisdom.

Posted Nov 19 2008, 06:47 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 5 comment(s)

Filed under: the legend of zelda, zelda, movies, nostalgia, link, video, fandom, nadia oxford, the '80s, game cartoons

Faster, Link! Kill! Kill!

I vegged out for most of my long weekend. It's a noble sport and I recommend it to everyone.

I also splurged for a tonne of Virtual Console games. I bought The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and am enjoying it immensely for something like the billionth time, but that can't be helped. It's just that good.

I well and truly loved The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, but I never did play it all the way through more than once or twice. I began thinking (uh oh) about why I would play Link to the Past over and over again, but would shelf a modern Zelda game. I think a lot has to do with the game's first hour. Link to the Past has you up and scooting across Hyrule in no time. In Twilight Princess, first you must fish. And indulge in some falconry. And herd goats.

I know that the Zelda team is hard at work on another title, or so King Miyamoto says--and I'm pretty willing to believe him if he were to tell us that birds swim and fish sing. I know veteran developers probably aren't open to suggestions, but I think "Get On With It" is an important one to consider. Expanding on my theory--um, I'm just going to leave this list on the floor on my way out.

Posted Sep 02 2008, 01:43 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 2 comment(s)

Filed under: nintendo, link, legend of zelda: twilight princess, nadia oxford, gameplay, legend of zelda: a link to the past, story, game story

Where Is Landstalker PSP?

The Zelda-clone, once a staple of console gaming, is a dying breed. It’s been replaced by story-centric, puzzle-free action RPGs like Kingdom Hearts and linear action-platformers a la Tomb Raider and Uncharted. The recently resurrected Okami might be the form’s swansong, a final tribute to the halcyon days of Golden Axe Warrior, Neutopia, and Beyond Oasis. While most clones have been base imitations, Quintet’s Heaven and Earth Trilogy and Climax Entertainment’s loosely connected series of games beginning with Landstalker were notable variations on Zelda’s exploration and puzzle tropes. Landstalker and its semi-sequels Lady Stalker (far less creepy than it sounds), Alundra (developed by ex-Climax-ers Matrix Software), and Time Stalkers (a traditional turn-based RPG instead of action) were characterized by difficult platforming in addition to swordplay.

You see games made by Climax Entertainment as often as you see Zelda-clones nowadays.

Posted Aug 07 2008, 02:00 PM by John Constantine with | with no comments

Filed under: john constantine, nintendo ds, psp, where is, zelda, link, landstalker, Zelda clone, alundra, time stalkers, lady stalker, climax

Where is Wii's Disaster: Day of Crisis?

The hardcore, the core gamer, the fanboy. Whatever you want to call them, it’s hard to ignore their bitterness toward Nintendo these days. I’m the first to admit that I’m one of them, but my frustration with the current king of the console hill doesn’t stem from their burgeoning commitment to the soccer mom set. It’s not even the lackluster treatment some of their core franchises (read: Zelda) have seen in the past two years. I’m angry at Nintendo because, when they first revealed the Wii and its initial line-up of games at E3 2006, they showed off two brand spanking new games, games devoid of Mario, Wario, Link, or any of the three thousand Pokemon, and neither of them have seen the light of day since. Project H.A.M.M.E.R., a fairly silly looking brawler, was actually playable at the time, but Nintendo announced that it was “on hold” as of summer 2007. Their other new IP, developed by fan-favorite studio Monolith Soft, was Disaster: Day of Crisis.

Posted Jul 09 2008, 02:00 PM by John Constantine with | with no comments

Filed under: john constantine, nintendo, wii, where is, pokemon, mario, e3, link, disaster day of crisis, project hammer, wario

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.