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The Busywork of Modern Gaming

It seems that someone, somewhere, at some point in time decided that every game--regardless of the genre--requires at least 20 hours' worth of content; and I really wish I knew where this person lived, because they need a good kick in the ass. Although, it would be wrong of me to not include the general gaming public in sharing the blame, since quite a few people have not figured out that playing a new title does not necessitate a sixty dollar purchase--what with all of the renting options available (which I gather will become much more popular in the upcoming months). But no matter who deserves the ass-kicking, the truth remains that many modern titles are weighed down with the excess of giving gamers mindless things to do for the sake of meeting some arbitrary length standard that's ruined many games which could have been great.

To examine this problem in greater detail, we only have to look at the biggest sufferer of this somewhat-recent problem: the Wii's Super Paper Mario.

Posted Jan 23 2009, 12:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 11 comment(s)

Filed under: nintendo, wii, mario, super paper mario, platforming, bob mackey

I Would Drink Syke

Paul Robertson is awesome. And Pirate Baby's Cabana Battle Street Fight 2006--which needs to be a real video game SO FRICKING BAD--should be all the proof you need. Christ, if I had made that, I'd sit back and let the accolades roll in as I began my new life of complete motionlessness. But Paul isn't content with just being an amazing artist, animator, and crafter of the most amazing sprite art this side of the 16-bit era; to this day, he continues to make amazing videos, if only to make the rest of us look inferior. His newest, a fake commercial for an equally fake energy drink known as Syke, is a hyper-cute, hyper-kinetic fruit salad of platformers past; if you dug the art of Pirate Baby's but not the ultra gross-out content, Paul's latest work will have you grinning from ear to ear. Check it out.

Posted Jan 08 2009, 02:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: retro, platforming, fan projects, bob mackey, fan art, paul robertson, syke

Underappreciated: Sly Cooper

Not too long ago, in the days of PS2 supremacy, three mascot platformers helped pave Sony's streets with gold: Ratchet and Clank, Jak and Daxter, and Sly Cooper. It's kind of strange that the genre would thrive so long after its supposed death and 16-bit burial at sea, but if you were a fan of fuzzy critters and floating platforms, you didn't bother to ask any questions. Of course, not all of the aforementioned games were exactly worth playing; Jak and Daxter started as a pretty-but-middling take on the Rare platformer and soon mutated into a tough-as-nails GTA clone with a soul patch for added baditude. Other franchises, like Ratchet and Clank, were able to build a reputation through their quality and hang on into the current-gen, only to be largely ignored by their former audience. But out of all the platformers worth remembering, Sly Cooper seems to be the forgotten--and possibly abused--middle child. It's one of gaming's greatest shames.

Posted Jan 05 2009, 02:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 8 comment(s)

Filed under: ps2, jak and daxter, platforming, ratchet &amp, clank, bob mackey, sly cooper, underrated, underappreciated

Whatcha Playing: de Blob

Just a few short days ago, I was "Whatcha Playing" Secret of Evermore. That is, until de Blob arrived in my mailbox. It's a delightful romp through an increasingly complex and challenging environment, where just a few basic skills are utilized in clever ways. In short, this game is everything that Super Mario Galaxy should have been, but wasn't.

Posted Oct 08 2008, 06:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with no comments

Filed under: whatcha playing, wii, cole stryker, super mario galaxy, de blob, platforming

Crash Bandicoot: Ashamed of His Own Existence

"Hey-a, folks! I'm back for some reason! If you're offended, I'd like to apologize! I really don't know what happened to my life since the 1990s! Interesting fact: I lack the common decency to kill myself!"

These are the words of Crash Bandicoot as his tortured grimace stares at us from yet another title in the franchise: Mind Over Mutant, the fifteenth game in the series. Fifteen! The only consolation we have is the fact that the cover art for this multi-platform platformer seems to depict Crash's utter shame and possible substance abuse problems. He's the Corey Haim of homeless mascot characters.

Posted Oct 07 2008, 01:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: crash bandicoot, sony, platforming, mascots, bob mackey

Awesome Wario Land: Shake It "Ad"

With all the excitement going on over eight blue bits, we've been overlooking another significant sidescroller: Wario Land Shake It for the Wii.

Wario is a big fat guy, not exactly the subtle type. He's probably grown bigger and louder since his first appearence in Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins. I blame it on all the sugar he's doubtlessly needed to consume to keep his ADD levels at max for WarioWare's never-ending hyper spaz.

But what happens when you're hefty like Wario and you throw your weight around? You end up breaking shit on YouTube, yo.

Obey Waaaario. Destroy Maaario. Oh, and buy Wario's game, yes?

(I'd like to buy it, actually. Somehow the idea of shaking the Wii remote to bully enemies out of their milk money is very compelling.)

Posted Sep 23 2008, 06:50 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 5 comment(s)

Filed under: wii, platforming, wario, nadia oxford, adventure game, wario land shake it, six golden coins, super mario land 2

Ulillillia is the Rain Man of Bubsy 3D

YouTube has unleashed both good and evil into the world, but for every new form of BBW fetish that sprouts like a pimple on the back of the vlogosphere, a delightful new freak—who previously would have no outlet to non-basement social spheres—arises with an astounding new talent developed from a life of having nothing better to do aside from perfecting masturbation.

Ulillillia is no stranger to the Internet, but the fact that he hasn’t been kidnapped by the government for use in some evil algebraic scheme boggles the mind.

In the following video, our YouTube savior details nine secrets in the second level of Bubsy 3D, a task which he claims took over 500 hours of research. This is not something that you lie about.

Posted Aug 18 2008, 10:00 AM by Bob Mackey with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: platforming, youtube, speed runs, autism, bubsy

Trailer Review - Wario Land: Shake It!

I wasn't too impressed with the above animated intro to Wario Land: Shake It!. Between Wario picking his nose and the oh-so-wapanese presentation, I was ready to put this one in the "second-tier Nintendo" file. The horrendous box art doesn't help either. Also, it's being developed by a company called Good-feel.

Then I found the gameplay footage below, which excites me in all the ways that Super Paper Mario did. Unlike a lot of folks, I felt let down by that game's lackluster platforming and reliance on endless text bubbles. Looks like Shake It! will focus solely on platforming, which is a relief, because if I have to look at another collection of inane microgames I'm going to throw my Wii out the window. And, wait a sec. Is that...is that Yoshi's Island-style trajectory alignment? Sign me up.

Posted Jul 10 2008, 12:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: cole stryker, super paper mario, yoshi's island, platforming, wario land, microgames

Spelunking Through Cave Story

Something in the air--I'm going to blame all that dang fireflower pollen blowing around out there--has me in a retro mood. For all the 3D delights I could be indulging in (my brother loaned me Guitar Hero III), I've recently made a happy return to Pixel's Cave Story.

If you haven't played Cave Story, drop what you're doing and download it. No, I don't care if you're performing CPR on your half-dead mother, you simply must experience one of the most endearing and well-balanced 2D platformers ever developed. It's easy to find and it's free. You have no excuse. No, I don't care if trafalmadorians are lifting you into their saucer right this minute.

Granted, I avoided Cave Story for years because the name sounded like some slow and winding "adventure" through a key-driven maze. "Cave Story" brings to mind cheap NES bargain-bin knockoffs that your well-meaning aunt would buy you at Christmas. Wow, thanks Auntie Shiela. I can't wait to throw this at the dog next time he gets into the garbage--I mean, I can't wait to play this.

Posted Jul 03 2008, 05:29 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: 8-bit, retro, computer games, freeware, 2d, doukutsu monogatari, platforming, cave story, pixel, spelunking

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.