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Facepalm: Kevin "Sex Box" McCullough Returns

Remember when neocon whacko Kevin McCullough talked about the X-box being a "Sex Box" in regards to Mass Effect's lesbian sex sequences. Looks like he heard about the recent Rapelay scandal. Rather than decrying video game culture, he just uses the scandal as a platform to bash libruls. I'm going to post a lot of it because really it's just comedy gold:

Posted Feb 18 2009, 04:00 PM by Cole Stryker with | with no comments

Filed under: cole stryker, politics, kevin mcculough

Super Obama World. Nothing More Needs to Be Said.

There have been surprisingly few crossovers between video games and politics during this year's Presidential Election, and that kinda bites--especially if you're a news-hungry blogger. But if you don't mind your hard-hitting political satire coming just a week too late, Super Obama World, a new web game by ZenSoft, is the perfect way to unwind after what may be the most drama-filled election in recent American history. Warning: you probably want to be a Democrat before playing Super Obama World, or at least have a sense of humor--I'm told the two usually go together like arugula and pesto.

In case the provided screenshot hasn't provided you with enough information, Super Obama World is basically a collection of 2008 Presidential Election memes in video game form. The first world is Alaska--there are plans for expansions featuring Arizona, Illinois, and D.C.--and features our young President Elect grabbing lapel pins, stomping lipstick-wearing pigs, and defeating clothing-rack wheeling fashion consultants that are worth 150,000 points (Get it?). It's all very adorable--including the little sprite of Obama, which may just make me buy a t-shirt--which is why it's a shame that Obama World is a far cry from Mario World in terms of controls. I know I may be asking a lot from a free game, but when our President Elect is so prone to dying, it kind of makes me worry about the future.

Still, Obama World is an interesting diversion, and a nice reminder that the last terrible six-months-or-so is finally over. I'm calling it now: the Arizona level will feature at least eight different McCain dungeons (Get it?).

Posted Nov 12 2008, 07:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with no comments

Filed under: super mario world, bob mackey, web games, politics, election, obama

I Would Go to War for Laguna Loire

I have always liked Final Fantasy VIII's secondary protagonist, Laguna Loire, because he carries a machine gun and he doesn't know what the Christ he's doing.

1UP.com did a good thing by putting Laguna in their list of Top Ten Video Game Politicians. True, Americans don't need another befuddled circus poodle as a President. They've already endured eight years of hind-leg jumping and yelping and it stopped being cute once they actually noticed that the poodle's eyes were rolling and saliva was trickling from the corners of its wide-open gob. Laguna doesn't make the best choices either, but at least he doesn't drool. Not when he's in good health.

Not only would I vote for the sheepish and shy Laguna Loire, I would put on my stylish anime soldier uniform follow him into battle, likewise confused about how to successfully fight one of these "war" things. What counts is that Laguna means well and has an ample supply of luck that seems to counter personal disaster. All he has to do is believe and try, and everything works out for him. He might step in poo, but it comes up as gold.

Except for breaking every bone in his body.

Except for being torn away from the love of his life.

Except for being miles away from his girlfriend while she dies giving birth to their son (JRPG females still need to evolve thicker birth canals that can handle spiked hair).

Posted Nov 04 2008, 07:11 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 5 comment(s)

Filed under: 1up, nadia oxford, politics, final fantasy viii, laguna loire

1UP's Top Ten Videogame Politicians

In an idea I wish I would've thought up(seriously), 1UP scribe Scott Sharkey has picked out ten popular video game politicians and placed them in an order which may signify their importance. I thought the entry on Final Fight's Mike Haggar was especially telling:

The spitting image of future Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, Mike Haggar was the original trailblazer of former pro-wrestling politicians, beating "The Body" to the punch by nearly a decade. His "personally pound the crap out of everyone" platform has sadly failed to enter the realm of life imitating art.

As is the case with most political Internet articles that allow comments, some of the best material can be found in the venomous responses filled with inappropriate rage--no offense to Sharkey, of course. Take this comment from a fellow named IronTigerMonkey; I'm not sure if he's being satirical, but you shouldn't really count anything out in these scary days of Web 2.0:

... If I am to understand the structure of a top ten list, you guys are basicly saying that you would rather Saddam Hussien (albeit video game version) to be the next president then Abraham Lincoln. Either that or you shouldn't use a headline that makes it sound like top ten worst vid politicians. Way to screw up everything 1up you suck gecko dick diped in coconut sauce. It is people like you 1up that are be puting George Bush in power, quit promoting your hidden adgendas with misleading top ten lists!!!!!

To all of you faithful commenters on 61 FPS: I love you. Really.

Posted Nov 04 2008, 02:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: 1up, top ten, final fight, bob mackey, politics, election

Election Day Gaming

If you live in America, it's voting day; and, if you have a the nuanced political view of your average American, voting is a binary choice between good and evil. This blog is hardly the place for politics--and I'm not going to tell you who I voted for (Hint: It rhymes with "I'm poor.")--but, if you are an American who hasn't been convicted of a felony, you should probably consider getting out to vote. Oh, and you also should have registered a month ago. Listen, I can't live your life for you.

Since I have this Election Day off, I have many options: should I start my drinking early, just in case the outcome is less than favorable? Should I continue with the production of my homemade dynamite, in preparation for possible class riots? The answer, of course, is I'm going to do what I do every day: play video games. But today, I'm working on a theme.

Posted Nov 04 2008, 12:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: xbox 360, fable 2, bob mackey, politics, election, morality

Barack Obama: Master Debater

With 2008 being an election year, you'd think there'd be more video game/politics crossovers. Sure, we've got The Political Machine, but that's about it; I know this sort of material can become dated fast (see the Bush-esque politician in 2004's Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal), but--damn it--how are we nerds supposed to connect to politics in any substantial way?

The answer to this question, of course, lies in the community; and the video I wish to showcase is proof of that. YouTube user wddpcbass has produced a neat little parody that, while lacking in production values, takes a key moment in the last Presidential debate and perfectly translates it into a scene from the Phoenix Wright series. Obviously, if you've never played any of Capcom's DS lawyer sims, you'll have no idea why this is supposed to be funny. But trust me: it is. All that's missing is John McCain tearing off a wig or pounding the lectern.

Note: The context for this video is that Obama is replying to a misconception about his tax plan.

After seeing this parody, all I can think about is a political campaign sim very much in the style of Phoenix Wright: travel to different locations, dig up dirt on your enemies, and destroy them in a formal debate. And in my fictional game world, the moderators of said debates will actually have power over the proceedings. Any takers? This could be huge.

Posted Oct 16 2008, 05:30 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: capcom, phoenix wright, ds, parody, bob mackey, politics, obama

Barack Obama's Sweet Ride

In news that would have been Onion-worthy satire a mere 4 years ago, Giga Omni Media reports that Sen. Barack Obama has moved his presidential campaign to the world of virtual death racing in Burnout Paradise. That's right; instead of only seeing billboards for places to buy large, overpriced electronics, driving through the streets of Paradise City may also serve as a reminder that you live in a democracy, and may be asked to get off your ass once every four years.

But, as the article indicates, this move to in-game advertising may be a tad contradictory when compared to comments previously made by the senator:

Of course, detractors could accuse Sen. Obama of sending out mixed messages; earlier this year he was telling audiences that parents need to “turn off the television set, and put the video games away.” Then again, since the Burnout billboard specifically advises gamers to vote early, maybe it’s his subtle way of trying to get them off the couch.

Posted Oct 14 2008, 04:45 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 2 comment(s)

Filed under: bob mackey, politics, barack obama, election, burnout paradise

The Post-Apocalyptic Arcade Image Gallery

As a typical human being with a typical vulnerability to mind-sicknesses, I find that I'm pretty interested in...well, decay. Not tooth decay; that shit hurts. Not the post-death decomposition the meat sacks we call bodies, either; that's messy and smelly.

Rather, I'm interested in the worn-down corners of the world. I like to observe how humanity bullies Nature and confines himself to small, filthy living spaces made of steel and concrete. These dwellings, in turn, become tired-looking and dingy with our mere sweating, stomping, spitting presence.

The smattering of arcades left in North America today are sad, chill venues, but the truth is, they were never pretty. Arcades have always been seedy, darkened little boxes lit with lewd flashes of neon light. Where there's a cold emptiness now, there was once the humid smell of the desperate sweat coming off fanatics desperate to attract mates through high Donkey Kong scores.

So what's more depressing than a North American arcade? An arcade in stern, silent North Korea.

Posted Sep 24 2008, 03:56 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with no comments

Filed under: nadia oxford, politics, arcades, urban decay, depressing, government, uk resistance, north korea

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.