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Behold The Half-Assed Review That Steered Me Away From Earthbound

Gather around, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to share my secret shame. Come for the story, stay for the punch, the pie, and a chance to wallow in the lingering stink of failure.

When I was young enough to believe in honesty, I relied on game magazine reviews to tell me whether or not a game was worth a purchase. I've already gone over how many Great Canadian Funbux typically went into the purchase of one cartridge game, so you can probably forgive me for doing my research.

Unfortunately, I kind of put myself at a disadvantage by taking to heart the opinions of only one magazine: Gamepro. To be fair, I have to admit that I wasn't steered wrong too often. If not for the rave review I read in the November 1994 issue of the magazine, I would have bypassed the majesty of Final Fantasy VI.

But it was my faith in Gamepro that made me turn up my nose at Earthbound until just last year. While bypassing Earthbound because of a magazine review was a big mistake on my part, it wasn't like I'd boiled a puppy or cast an unforgivable curse on a baby. Earthbound's genius was snubbed by a lot of SNES owners; that's why the fandom has since been driven half-mad with regret.

No, my problem is that Earthbound Central has scanned and archived the review that kept me away from Itoi's masterpiece...and I can't believe that I was swayed by such an impotent clump of...assumptions.

Posted Mar 09 2009, 11:31 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: review, snes, rpg, earthbound, retro, super nintendo, 16-bit, writing, gamepro, nadia oxford, games journalism

The 61FPS Review: Noby Noby Boy—Part 2

Over the weekend, I spent half an hour tying my body around a cloud.

I’m not really sure why I did it, and I’m not particularly convinced I enjoyed it. Something inside me told me to do it, and after a fashion I succeeded.

And then I played Noby Noby Boy for a few more hours. And when I put down the controller I came to a realization: this is not something that can actually be reviewed.

Let me be clear: I am not the sort of person that believes that reviews should not have scores or grades at the end. I believe that most games are built with specific goals in mind, and that the value of those goals and how successful the game was in achieving those goals can be measured in a relatively standard way. It’s not objective, and there are exceptional games that bring trouble to the grading system, which is why you see so much hand wringing about review scores (note: that hand wringing is also valuable—it keeps scoring models contemporary and reviewers on their toes). It’s the same thing that happens at almost any school.

Noby Noby Boy is one of those exceptional outliers. There’s no implied contract here: you’re not trading $60 for the promise of a solid genre entry that meets all the bullet points and marketing hype. Noby Noby is $5, with the marketing hype being that it is “inexplicable” and the bullet points being “relax” and “have fun”. Without any expectations, it can’t be said that Noby Noby Boy is a failure. But can it also be said that it is a success?

Posted Feb 23 2009, 12:00 PM by Joe Keiser with | with 2 comment(s)

Filed under: review, 61fps review, katamari damacy, psn, ps3, joe keiser, noby noby boy

The 61FPS Review: Retro Game Challenge

I have a confession: every night, the part of my soul that is all id and desire has taken a spirit journey to Japan, where it developed Retro Game Challenge.

Of course that’s not actually true. But with an excellently executed premise that is laser-focused on the childhood dreams of the 20-something game player, it certainly feels true. It’s probably impossible to even review the game properly, as RGC is specifically designed to take the sort of person that would review a game and completely disarm them. I will try, but I wanted you to know going in that in this case, I don’t have any arms.

Posted Feb 13 2009, 10:15 AM by Joe Keiser with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: review, nintendo ds, 61fps review, xseed, Retro game challenge, joe keiser

Sweaty, Oily Barbarian-Men Are Waiting For Your Purchase

Have you played World of Warcraft so ferociously that your hard drive is now naught but a glittering pile of toxic dust? Maybe you've been thinking about shifting gears a little by taking up the new Age of Conan MMORPG, Hyborian Adventures. Who'd want to strut around as a dinky elf when they could take up the sword of ancient barbarian heroes?

Don't bother, says Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee. Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures is apparently the same sword-swinging song we've heard so many times before: big burly warriors controlled by puppetmasters like Marvin of the Gold Claws, a fat boy in a basement with Doritos stains all over his fingers.

I'm especially amused by Yahtzee's observation about the personalities of the players around him: everyone wants to "cut your tits off" or act like you're going to do the same to them. Sometimes I think MMORPG players were picked on a lot at school and are pretending to project their revenge into the past with their well-armed (both above and below the belt) avatar.

Or...maybe they're not pretending at all.

Posted Jul 24 2008, 04:40 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: review, yahtzee, zero punctuation, pvp, age of conan, mmorpg

Are You Buying Final Fantasy IV DS? Huh? Huh? Huh??

(Pant pant pant, eager tail wag.)

Square-Enix's remake of its SNES classic is garnering good reviews, though I've seen more than one make mention about how it's a bit early for yet another Final Fantasy IV remake. For those of you at home keeping count, Final Fantasy IV has been released on the SNES, the PSOne, the Wonderswan (I think?), the GBA and now the Nintendo DS.

I'm going to go ahead and offer myself up for blame: I buy every remake Square-Enix throws at me, except for the WonderSwan remake because that would just be wack. I can't help it; Final Fantasy IV, when it was known as the dumbed-down Final Fantasy II was a cornerstone of my awkward teenage years. I actually played it after getting through Final Fantasy III/VI, but I enjoyed it for its simple story and gorgeous music. I also played it while recovering from major surgery and I was pretty high, so there might be a bit of bias there. I'm pretty sure it's okay to love a game because it reminds you of your youth or the carefree summer days you should've spent outside, but it's less okay to love a game because it reminds you of a codeine daze.

Posted Jul 23 2008, 05:24 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 9 comment(s)

Filed under: remake, review, nintendo ds, rpg, square-enix, nostalgia, final fantasy iv ds

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.