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Yahtzee Kicks Star Wars in the Balls

The best thing about being born in the early 80s--aside from all the street cred--is that I completely missed out on the Star Wars phenomenon, which has kep both my childhood and my nostalgia glands safe from a franchise that's been circling the drain for over 20 years. If I had been born a decade earlier, I'd probably go nuts over anything George Lucas farted out of his diseased mind; but, growing up in the decade that I did, I was aware of Spaceballs before I was aware of Star Wars--and to this day, Mel Brooks' parody remains the superior product. Let's not talk about the cartoon.

It appears that The Escapist's Yahtzee may be of the same persuasion, what with this week's Zero Punctuation being a total evisceration of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. While I'm not quite sure how he feels about Spaceballs, there's one thing we definitely agree on: the new trilogy was crap, and should be regarded as such. TFU may do a fine job of connecting the old trilogy to the new one, but is this what we really want? Shouldn't Episodes 1-3 be forgotten by the world until they become nostalgia for the Star Wars fans who were youngins during the late 90s/early 00s?

Don't laugh; in 10 years, countless 30 year-old men will be paying big bucks for double-sided lightsabers on eBay.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.