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Batman Can't Even Land a Punch on Superman in a Video Game

Those of us who grew up with comics quickly noticed a distinct rivalry between Batman and Superman. Superman was an all-American boyscout, eager to do what was righteous and good just as long as it earned him the right to furrow his brow at Batman and shake his head.

Batman isn't a flying paladin like his red-and-blue counterpart, but that endears him in the eyes of fans. He borders on vigilantism; he doesn't care to do things by the Man's rules because criminals don't follow any rules. He gets the job done.

That doesn't mean he can do more than throw fluttering punches at Superman, though. He can't even beat Superman in a game of Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe. Witness his attempt in the video after the jump.

Of course, Alfred can beat up Superman, but I've long suspected that Alfred already knows everything the Lord intends to tell us on the Last Day.

Up All Night: Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe

Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe is the touching story of a portal to Outworld that fell in love with an inter-dimensional Boom tube. And though their love was star-crossed, they nevertheless had a child: a totally ripped jack-o-lantern that they named Dark Kahn because they were exceptionally lazy. Dark Kahn has a secret fantasy: he wants to make two universes into a single worthless universe full of planet shards. To do this, he uses his magical power: the ability to make people who fight a lot already fight even more. Yes, Dark Kahn does lack a basic understanding of the relationship between cause and effect.

This is my interpretation of the endless wave of nonsense that Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe spews at the player in the mode it has the gall to call “story.” And it gets worse, attempting to explain hours upon hours of violent misunderstandings as a result of ill-defined “Kombat Rage”. That’s probably not an excuse to try at your next court hearing, but hey, Superman will believe anything.

So yeah, this is a game that was seemingly crafted for enjoying after a 3AM all-eggnog bender. It’s brightly colored, made for playing with others, and relentlessly stupid from beginning to end. It’s a stupid that goes much deeper than insane plot, too—for example, I would dare you to explain how Scorpion and Sub-Zero are able to get along, or anything about the character design of Booby McCantUseZippers…I mean, Catwoman.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.