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WTFriday: Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

We like to kid around a lot here at 61FPS, but there's nothing funny about crapping your pants. It's something we all try our best to avoid, if only because the social repercussions are so long-lasting; you may be able to clean a stain off of a pair of Levi's, but it's not so easy to launder a poo-stained reputation. This is why we should thank our lucky stars that training simulators like Kongregate.com's Don't Shit Your Pants exist; without it, you may find yourself in a situation where you have to crap but have no idea what to do next. The game gives you a brief 40 seconds (though you can extend this time if you're crafty) to figure out how to eliminate your waste in a socially-acceptable way through a retro text-based command system. But really, most of the fun of Don't Shit Your Pants lies in the many creative--and sometimes messy--solutions the game rewards you for with its built-in achievement system. Try and figure out how many ways there are to not shit your pants. You'll be glad you did.

Related Links:

WTFriday: GameStop's Guide to Women
WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish
WTFriday: S****ing With Fear: Not Just a Symptom of Colon Cancer

Guitar Hero Text Adventure from 1982

Anyone who follows this blog knows that I have an outspoken penchant for the text adventure games of yore. There's something special about graphics-free gaming. It stretches the mind and invigorates the imagination. I'm all for retro-remakes, but I'm not sure it would work in every case.

What follows is an incredibly nerdy one-off joke. A rare screencap of the "original Guitar Hero", after the jump, if you think you can handle the cheeze:

New Zork MMO

Dublin's Jolt Online is taking on the legendary text-based aventure game, this time in MMO form:

LegendsofZork.com will provide online gamers with a persistent online adventure, playable from any Internet browser. Players take up the role of a recently laid-off salesman and part-time loot-gatherer, as he explores the Great Underground Empire. Designed to provide gamers with a casual MMO game they can play on their laptop, desktop or Apple iPhone (in school, work or on the bus), there’s nothing to download, just go to www.legendsofzork.com.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.