61 Frames Per Second : facepalm

God of War III Does Not Need Another Sex Mini-Game

Cole Stryker — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:05:00 GMT

I was struck by a nugget of information which opened Gamepro's interview with God of War III's Sig Asmussen (That's the kind of name a fella named Cole Stryker can get behind) regarding the game's use of sexual mini-games.

Will the sexy mini-games return for God of War 3? Yes, that is my first question. [laughter]
Stig Asmussen: It's definitely something we're looking at. The sex mini-games are a double-edged sword: we're damned if we do, we're damned if we don't. If we do include a sex mini-game and don't add anything new to it, then people will say it's getting old. If we don't include the sex mini-game, then the fans will be in an uproar. We're trying to come up with a clever new way of advancing it. If it works, and it plays into the experience, then we'll do it. If it doesn't work, I have no problem saying "this is turning into a gimmick" and putting those resources somewhere else.

Really? Fans will be in an uproar if they don't include a sex mini-game. Can it be true that developers spend so much time hearing about these controversies from the mainstream media that they actually believe controversial content to be relevant to gamers? So much so that they would be in an "uproar" if God of War III didn't include one? How out of touch with reality can one possibly be?

Speaking as someone who mildly enjoyed the first God of War, the sex mini-game was a stupid diversion. Back in '05, Gamepro summarizes:

In the Beginning of Act 2, there are 2 women in your bed when you are inside your ship. If you jump on the bed, A circle will appear above the bed, indicating a Mini-game. Press Circle, and the game will start. All you see is the vase, but as you get further, the vase will shake more and more, until it falls and breaks. you have to press the buttons as it commands it. closer to the end, you have to rotate the Left Analog Stick. If you win, the first time, you get a large amount of Red orbs. Everytime afterwards, you get 5 more.

Stupid and boring. It's a quick-time event. Why are we even having this discussion?

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Facepalm: Will Trade Sex for Everquest

Cole Stryker — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Would you be willing to let other men sleep with your wife in exchange for phat l00tz? Well, some abhorent slime is.

This has to be one of the most soul crushing Post Secrets that I've come across. I hate it when the mainstream media fixates on video game addiction, but stories like these make me think that perhaps the gaming media could take it more seriously. It definitely exists and it ruins lives, like any other addiction. I guess it's hard for people to think about it that way because video games are still considered child's play in our society. Of course, it's not a video game problem so much as human nature.

I'm going to go spend the weekend contemplating the human condition. If you need me I'll be sulking in the shower, chewing on a wet washcloth.

Mother Says Baby Game for the DS Will Start a Living Room Jihad

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 03:51:00 GMT

There was a time when our ancestors avoided the jaws of the sabretooth tiger and other threats by invoking the help of mysterious nature-gods. These rituals were based around fear and superstition, and the results were dictated by coincidences and circumstance.

Today, we are guided by intellect instead of fear—oh wait, no we're not. We're still scared of the uncertain. How can we not be, when wild-eyed foreigners somehow slip their pro-Islamic propaganda into Nintendo DS games about washing babies.

Rachel Jones from Indiana claims that the copy of Baby Pals she bought for her daughter has a baby who coos, “Islam is the light.” Incidentally, Jones is the same unfun mother who started a crusade last October over a Fisher-Price doll that reportedly said the same thing.

Jones says she feels bad for being forced to constantly take these Jihad-instigating toys away from her children. I think Jesus is smiling on her, though. Out of everything he preached about love, acceptance, and avoiding hypocrisy, he was most adamant that parents should do away with nonsense-babbling toys.

There's a news report after the jump. The anchors look horrified over the whole business.

I feel for the children who are under the care of this blockheaded matriarch. It saddens me to see the involuntary members of the Unlucky Sperm Club.

(And what kind of mom buys Baby Pals as a reward for good schoolwork? What game comes with an F, I wonder?)

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Facepalm: GameDaily Talks to Porn Stars...Again

Cole Stryker — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Sigh.

What kind of video game character would you be?

I'd be one of the whores getting screwed in Grand Theft Auto.

Let's say you designed a sex game. What would the most important features be?

Sexual super powers. Like your balls get bigger. If they get smaller then you have to go re-up. You'd have to come up with other things to gain experience like get spanked or walk on nails.

What kind of video game character would you be?

Super, super slutty. I'd be a hot little game girl, and I'd hit people with my boobs. They're big.

Do you think the king in Katamari Damacy is hot?

I think that he has a bulge that's a little disturbing, but I'd ride his royal rainbow.

Who's the sexiest game character?

I don't know. I'll just say the Princess in Super Mario World.

It's moments like this that I cheer layoffs in the press. There's nothing more depressing than watching these hyper-sexualized women pander to the mouth-breathing gaming press. As long as features like these exist, our economy could do worse. Bring on the recession.

Facepalm: Kotaku Makes News out of Dude's Bisexuality

Cole Stryker — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:04:00 GMT

While we were on break, Kotaku's Brian Ashcraft reblogged a 1Up interview with former Capcom employee Yoshiki Okamoto. Weirdly, he focused on this rather saucy detail from the interview;

Mr. Nishiyama used to work at Capcom as well, so we bonded over the hard work we shared there, and we've been good friends ever since. Both of us had long stretches where we weren't in a relationship, but he would always be sharing a room with some guy. Not me, I mean we were friends. Just friends. I'm pretty sure Mr. Nishiyama is bisexual. But I'm straight. I only like girls, but he likes both. Mr. Nishiyama taught me how to turn my ideas into game design documents, but he didn't teach me about men.

And then Brian "Not that there's anything wrong with that" Ashcraft provides the following commentary:

Oh. Okay. If this is true and not just Okamoto making crap up, hey, more power to president Nishiyama. If this is not true and is just Okamoto making crap up, he should be more careful with things he says publicly.

Wait, what? First of all, shouldn't Okamoto just keep this knowledge to himself? Shame on 1-Up for even including it in the interview, but even more shame on Kotaku for amplifying this guy's sexuality into an issue deserving an individual post on the world's biggest gaming blog. If you read the actual interview, you'll find that the sexuality of this guy's coworker to be a very minor point, stated in an offhand way. It's certainly not the focus of the interview, so why did Ashcraft zero in on this insignificant detail, other than because New Year's Eve is generally a slow news day? I know I pick on Kotaku a lot, but really this is pretty awful.

Facepalm: Games Radar - Paragons of Journalistic Integrity

Cole Stryker — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:00:00 GMT

I had originally intended to make "Facepalm" a weekly feature, but the industry has been extra heinous lately, and well...you'll see.

Games Radar is responsible for many of the most egregious examples of Diggbait, and this one surely hits the bottom of the barrel. Titled, "Video Games' Most Important Farty Butts", the article showcases flatulance from Boogerman, Beavis and Butthead, Wario and more. I think what most bothers me about this article are the words, "most important", as if any farty butt was worth memorializing. And the comments!

very funny. I don't even have to say more than that. A very good read Chris.

hilarious article! i didn't play most of these games but it was entertaining still

Fantastic article! It's always fun to be completely immature.

You left out Black & White where your creature shits all over your town and neither the creature nor the villagers care.

It's commentary like this that make me wonder why I even bother. This article is tearing up Digg as I write. What hope do we have, as intelligent video game enthusiasts to elevate our medium beyond fart jokes when mouth breathing material like this hits Digg's front page? And this isn't the only one. A cursory search reveals the following gems from Games Radar:

Top 7 Girls Kissing in Games

GTA Hooker Beauty Contest

MGS4's Rudest Easter Eggs

Dozens more less offensive but equally vapid lists are found within minutes. Dear Chris, and the rest of Games Radar: If you're willing to sell out for Digg, why not at least make a decent living and go into brand management or PR or something?

Facepalm: Gamer Grub Supports Your Cognitive Functions

Cole Stryker — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 04:00:00 GMT

Man, do I feel bad for the copywriter at Biosilo Foods. I've written ad copy for the worst of them, but can you imagine writing this whopper:

Biosilo Foods is a young, progressive company that is set out to transform the food and beverage industry. With revolutionary innovation as the prime directive, Biosilo Foods is building a portfolio of new food and beverage categories.

Ugh. How soul crushing must that brand management meeting have been. So, Biosilo has a new product offering called Gamer Grub. It's a snack for h4rdc0re gamers, ergonomically designed so you don't spill Cheeto dust all over your man-boobs (Gamer Joke!). I'm grubbin' it!

Action Pizza! Racing Wasabi! Strategy Chocolate! Sports PB&J! What, no Survival Horror Strawberry? No Cool Ranch Dating Sim?

Designed for hungry gamers who want to continue playing games while consuming snacks, Gamer Grub is a great tasting, healthy line of performance snacks. With a patent-pending design to support cognitive functions, gamers will have the opportunity to think faster and win more. Gamer Grub is formulated to boost your brain and speed reaction times for maximum gaming performance.

Patent-pending design, folks. What will the brainiacs over at Biosilo come up with next? You simply must visit their website, a treasure trove of pandering ad-speak and pseudo-science. Speaking of which, be sure to check out the "Science" tab, which attempts to convince potential buyers that their snacks will somehow improve gaming performance. For example, check out the site's explanation of Vitamin A:

Visual data signals produced by the conversion of light into nerve impulses in the eye are highly dependent on Vitamin A. These nerve signals are then transmitted to your wetware’s CPU (a.k.a. brain) for translation into biological image formats.

After putting that monstrosity up on the screen, Biosilo's copywriter went home and shot his dog. True story.

Also, Vitamin E is like a firewall to protect you from free radicals, aka Spam. Kill me.

Facepalm: Gaming While Driving

Cole Stryker — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Two Facepalms in two days? Madness! A bus driver has been supsended for playing a PSP while driving.

HONOLULU -- Less than a day after KITV broke the story of a city bus driver playing a video game while driving a bus, the driver is on unpaid leave and being investigated Wednesday.

The president of The Bus apologized for the incident and said he's "embarrassed" by it less than a month after another bus driver was arrested for drunk driving while operating a city bus.

Yeesh, I can't even get away with sneaking a cheeky game of Katamari while on the phone with my mom. "What's that clicking? Are you playing Nintendo tapes?!"

If only this had been released for the PSP, then maybe he could have gotten away with it.

Please watch the video. It's worth it for the Peggy Hill lookalike saying, "What the heck is going on here?"

One more thing: Is it a rule that Hawaiian reporters have to wear Hawaiian shirts on the job? Just curious.

Facepalm: 360 vs PS3 Boob Physics Comparison

Cole Stryker — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Sometimes I come across things on the internet that just make me want to throw my consoles out the window and never play another video game. For those moments, I've created a new recurring feature: Facepalm.

This comes courtesy of the scholars at Digg (where else?!). It's a video comparing the, uh, jiggle factor of Soul Calibur's leading ladies on the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. Why? Because, shut up, that's why.

Insightful commentary:

thankuvrylittle: In all honesty, the 360 ones definitely move in a more sexually appealing way.

spikyvashy: I'll tell u which game has girls with some nice boobs, The girls from the DOA franchise

spvn: damn it's hard to keep track of all 4 of them at the same time...

Hurr hurr hurr! The offending video, after the jump:

Ugh.

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