FMV Hell: Mystic Midway: Phantom Express

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:50:00 GMT

I'm saddened by the sight of bare-footed orphans selling cast-away cigarette butts for a few pennies, but I'm devastated by the over-eager acting that accompanies some game FMVs. It wasn't so bad in the Playstation era: most of the voiceovers for early anime cutscenes deserved to be ridiculed, and at least the “actors” got to live in infamy.

But for a mercifully short time, gamers were infatuated with turtle-paced CD games that featured real actors, and not just a voice transplanted to a flapping mouth. These are the games that lived and died on the Sega CD and CD-i. Most FMV-based games were as much fun as sitting on an upright knife, but sometimes you have to look at the actors and think, “God bless them. They tried so hard, but to what avail?”

Mystic Midway: Phantom Express is an on-rails shooter for the CD-i that stars an unapologetically sarcastic carnival barker. The barker heckles you mercilessly, opening the game with a joke he cribbed from the tuff grade two kids who hogged the sand pits at recess: ”I was just reading the most hilarious story! It's called...YOUR LIFE!”

If you have at least one eye and/or one ear, you should be able to surmise why this guy's drama major probably never found use beyond a bottom-feeder game console. Still, he throws so much into the whole performance that just want to stand there and take his jabs. Yes, yes, my life is pitiful and my memory swarms with chilling instances of abuse and neglect. Shhh. It's okay. Go to sleep now.

Yeah, actually, this whole game is pretty depressing.

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FMV Hell: Sonic CD

FMV Hell: Sonic CD

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:40:00 GMT

I'm pretty sure most original prints of Sega CD games were long ago ground up into dog food, but the resurrection of Vay on the iPhone got me nostalgic for the anime cutscenes that used to preced certain Sega CD games. Each scene employed about sixteen on-screen colours and had about thirty frames of animation, but there was something charming about those florescent marionettes. They were like figures drawn in an Autistic kid's painting: clumsy, but admirable for the attempt.

(And vasty preferable to the grainy live-action FMV that usually gummed up the games in the Sega CD library.)

The Sega CD is largely considered a failure, but every failed system has its must-own games. Sonic CD was certainly a gem, easily the highlight of Sonic the Hedgehog's up-and-down career. Sonic CD began with the standard Sega CD animated intro.

It's interesting to note that there are a few versions of the anime. Most obviously, there's a Japanese intro and an American one. The animation in both is more or less the same, but wars have been fought over which country has the better intro song. America long ago became familiar with Spencer Nilsen's "Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, Sonic Boooooom" whereas Japanese children got to hear a song about leather and lace and what might possibly be a chorus that begins with "Toot toot Sonic Warrior."

Here's the Japanese intro stacked up against the American one. Engage comparison.

Either way, the Sonic CD intro is garish and choppy thanks to technical limitations (watch the PC version for a far smoother ride), but it's strangely compelling to watch. Sonic darts across Mobius, racing towards Eggman's latest threat--he's all business, but at the same time it's obvious he enjoys the thrill of simply cutting loose and running. And with no people or vehicles or annoying tag-along friends to slow him down, he can just do what he was born to do: race. It's a bit of well-choreographed simplicity that's absent from games today and Lord knows that especially applies to Sonic games.

By the way, the title of this little "series" is a tribute to AMV Hell. Before I thought of it, my husband and I had a little discussion about what the series name should be.

Him: "How about 'Seedy CD?'"

Me: "Nah, you can't really tell that it's a Sega CD feature."

"All right, what about 'Sega Seedy CD?'"

"That's no good."

"How about, 'My Wife is an Uppity Bitch Who Doesn't Like My Ideas?'"

"How about, 'My Husband's Ideas Are Not Funny?'"

It sounds like the beginning of an epic nerd fight, but we were laughing too hard to take a swing at each other.

Related Links:

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61 Frames Per Second : fmv

FMV Hell: Mystic Midway: Phantom Express

FMV Hell: Sonic CD