61 Frames Per Second : porn

Facepalm: GameDaily Talks to Porn Stars...Again

Cole Stryker — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:00:00 GMT

What kind of video game character would you be?

I'd be one of the whores getting screwed in Grand Theft Auto.

Let's say you designed a sex game. What would the most important features be?

Sexual super powers. Like your balls get bigger. If they get smaller then you have to go re-up. You'd have to come up with other things to gain experience like get spanked or walk on nails.

What kind of video game character would you be?

Super, super slutty. I'd be a hot little game girl, and I'd hit people with my boobs. They're big.

Do you think the king in Katamari Damacy is hot?

I think that he has a bulge that's a little disturbing, but I'd ride his royal rainbow.

Who's the sexiest game character?

I don't know. I'll just say the Princess in Super Mario World.

It's moments like this that I cheer layoffs in the press. There's nothing more depressing than watching these hyper-sexualized women pander to the mouth-breathing gaming press. As long as features like these exist, our economy could do worse. Bring on the recession.

Mario is Bigger than Porno on the Internet

Cole Stryker — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Um, what?

According to the search engine gurus at SEOmoz, Nintendo has done a wonderful job managing their intellectual property online:

Unlike most other media producers, Nintendo has allowed its intellectual property to be freely discussed and used online. Nostalgia and Nintendo's openness to new technology has created an atmosphere that has allowed the company's characters to grow immensely popular. The example above shows that a Google search for the term Mario returns more results than a search for Porno. This is amazing in a media atmosphere allegedly driven by violence and sexuality. Mario has remained essentially the same non-violent and innocent character that he was 20 years ago, and he has still managed to attain inequitable popularity.

Well what do you know. Of course, a fairer comparison would be researching the keywords "Super Mario" and simply, "Porn". Still, these are impressive figures, since the first page of results for "Mario" is entirely Nintendo-related. I plugged in a few other video game heroes and nothing came close. Speaking as someone who toiled for a time in the subterranean mines of search engine optimization, this kind of search engine coverage is something most marketing execs would kill for.

Just How Far Behind Is Australia?

Derrick Sanskrit — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 19:30:00 GMT

To say that PAL regions like Australia receive their games later than the rest of the world is a passé understatement. Now, from the land down under, comes this roundtable discussion on violent games being banned due to the lack of a video game rating system:

I don't know which is more upsetting, that they're linking these games to violent crimes and "snuff films" or that members of the panel still don't seem to know what a "Wii" is. I thought the whole world got over that grade-school joke a year-and-a-half ago.

Thanks to GoNintendo for bringing this moment of political insanity to our attention.

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Dark Room Sex Game: Big Ideas, Creepy as Hell

John Constantine — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 22:30:00 GMT

I’m not one-hundred percent sure what the curriculum looks like over at the IT University of Copenhagen, but I’ve got to say that it’s yielding interesting results. I was casually browsing 1UP’s Best of E3 list when I noticed a little game in their Best PC game runners-up list called Dark Room Sex Game. There was no preview, no image, just the title. Naturally, I Googled the living hell out of it immediately. Turns out I shouldn’t have been surprised by the lack of screenshot accompanying Dark Room; the “erotic rhythm game” is graphic free, relying only on sound for play. Unless, of course, you’re playing with a Wii remote.

Yeah, bet you think I’m making a joke there. Guess again.

I haven’t gotten around to grabbing my Wii yet but I did get to try out the PC version and, glibness aside, Dark Room struck me as kind of silly at best and really creepy at worst. The GLaDOS-gone-mistress narration, the campy moaning, and the Leisure Suit Larry-style lounge music made it difficult to take seriously let alone find it arousing. But the design behind it, particularly the no-visuals approach, is very interesting and well-implemented. Check it out for yourself.

Related links:

NSFW: The Top Five Game-Based Pornos

NSFW: The Top Five Game-Based Pornos

John Constantine — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Seriously. Not safe for work.

As they used to say back on the farm, if it exists on this here planet, you can be cocksure there’s a porno based on it. Okay, you caught me. I didn’t grow up on a farm. I grew up in the middle of a lot of farms though, and I’m telling you, people on those farms used to say this all the time. The past twelve years of browsing the internet have taught me that this age-old maxim is absolutely true. Hollywood movie parodies have been a rich and lasting resource for triple-x features forever, birthing immortal classics like Edward Penishands, so videogames seem like a no-brainer. That’s not even taking into consideration modern gaming’s largely Japanese origins and that country’s penchant for all manner of costume-related perversions. We at 61 Frames Per Second, being the powerful cultural critics we are, have compiled this list of the top five Game-Based Pornos from east and west. Be warned: continuing to read may cause embarrassment for humanity, uncontrollable laughter, and occasional revulsion.

#5) Super Hornio Bros.

The image above is an internet staple, the “film” an affront against the senses. Yes, shortly after Nintendo allowed Bob Hoskins to play the world’s most recognizable gaming icon on the silverscreen, director Buck Adams cast Ron Jeremy as Hornio, the overalls-clad plumber star of Super Hornio Bros. Rumor has it that the day the video shipped to adult boutiques across the land, Shigeru Miyamoto threw up for over twelve hours straight and was institutionalized for a month.

#4) Many, Many Tifa Lockhart of Final Fantasy VII Videos

Final Fantasy VII was the RPG that changed the world, making cinematic presentation an integral part of game design and bringing role-playing out of the basement and into the mainstream. Most people say this is because of the epic for-its-time presentation. I say it was because Squaresoft decided to put giant boobs in it. The character of Tifa Lockhart, barely clothed and sporting some serious back-problem-causers, was a shameless move to sex-up the series and, unsurprisingly, it worked. There are literally hundreds of pornographic films in Japan starring actresses dressed up like Tifa (the pictured title spices things up even more with the star playing even more game stars, like Darkstalkers’ Morrigan.) For the record, I only know that many exist after research for this article. Seriously…

#3) WhoreLore – World of Whorecraft and Age of Bonan

WhoreLore is a special case because, like its multiple inspirations, it’s persistent. Formerly known as the World of Whorecraft, WhoreLore makes episodic, eerily accurate hardcore fare based on Blizzard’s World of Warcraft and Funcom’s recently released Age of Conan. They don’t go to the point of listing what kind of stat losses the actors experience as they disrobe, but the costumes, make-up, and dialogue are spot on. Bonan even goes so far as to literally recreate the opening mission of Age of Conan. For anyone out there feeling some kind of shame for their love of MMOs, don’t. Porn stars are just like you and are, apparently, even nerdier.

#2) Geki Fit

and

#1) Chinpo o Kitaeru Otona no Ingenware Training (Dick Drilling Adult's Lewd Word Self Training)

Like I said before, everything eventually becomes subject matter for porn. Everything. But our number one and two entries have left me incredulous. They are wholly strange, totally silly, and utterly Japanese. Both are based Nintendo’s most recent successes, specifically their non-games. These are lifestyle enhancers more than goal-oriented, character-driven “games”, which makes the smut they’ve inspired even more peculiar. Number two is Geki Fit. Inspired by Wii Fit, it is one-hundred and fifteen minutes of lewd yoga poses viewed from increasingly voyeuristic camera angles. There isn’t even any nudity. I’m not making this up.

Number one is Chinpo o Kitaeru Otona no Ingenware Training. Translated as Dick Drilling Adult's Lewd Word Self Training, it’s based on the Nintendo DS phenomenon, Brain Age. Yes, that’s right. It’s porn based on WORD PUZZLES AND MATH! Have you ever played these Brain Age games, dear reader? A disembodied, polygonal head quizzes you repeatedly with brain teasers and then judges your intelligence. I can’t even begin to imagine what this DVD is like. Does it ask you to read out loud? Does it ask you to memorize as many words as possible in thirty seconds? I have nightmares about people using this as a marital aid.

Nintendo, next time you’re trying to think of a clever name for a line of videogames, do not call them “Touch Generations”. Look what you did.

Many thanks to Kotaku, J-List, 1P Start, and Whorelore in the compilation of this staggering achievement in journalism.

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