61 Frames Per Second : wtfriday

WTFriday: Death Race Mario Kart

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:58:00 GMT

We all count on Mackey's WTFridays to ease us into the weekend like, um...sorry, I can't think of any metaphors that are worthy of readers long done with elementary school. I will say that the only thing better than one WTFriday is two WTFridays.

I've never seen Death Race 2000, though it strikes me as the ultimate testosterone high: fast cars, women, violent death traps, do-or-die competition. I also know it scared the Jesus out of Roger Ebert back in 1975, and he was convinced the children(!!) sitting in the theatre watching the movie with him were going to overturn America with fire. Turned out we didn't; that would have cut into valuable Nintendo time.

Now, nearly 35 years later, the once-shocking Death Race 2000 is considered about as violent as a rainbow compared to what's in theatres today. Should we study this film as a noteable plateau in a medium that's ever-escalating to irrevocable levels of bloodshed and violence? Or should we add Mario Kart sound effects to the footage and laugh?

Duh. Mario Kart is always the answer.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons
WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish
WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase

WTFriday: Pac-Man Vs. France

Bob Mackey — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:45:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

While Pac-Man is usually viewed in a positive light, fans of this old-school gaming celebrity conveniently forget one important fact: he is a remorseless eating machine. Strawberries, pretzels, and even keys disappear into the gaping maw of this urine-colored glutton as he searches for a way to blot out the pain inflicted by his apocalyptic divorce from Ms. Pac-Man (formerly Mrs.). And sometimes, it gets ugly. A recent videos of Pac-Man's latest episode have surfaced (via Kotaku) which features what we can assume to be a PCP-fueled rampage through the streets and golf courses of France. For the following video, parental guidance is strongly advised.

Pac-Man is currently being held without bail in a French prison cell. He has been allowed to make a single phone call, and eat a single baguette. No word yet on if any cheese was consumed.

Related Links:

WTFriday: CNET's Don Reisinger Is Afraid of the Human Body
WTFriday: A Serial Killer's Ideas for Wii Games
WTFriday: The Super Mario Bros. Anime

WTFriday: Silent Hill. Star Wars. No. Words.

John Constantine — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where we find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what we normally do every day of the week.

So. Fanart. Like cosplay, fan fiction, and an unwholesome love of tie-in knick knacks, fanart is a common pastime for media fanatics. Often times, as our own Nadia Oxford has noted recently, videogame fanart can be quite good. Talented artists love games too, dontcha know.

Like koala bears, who appear to be adorable little ragamuffins until they reveal themselves to be heartless, savage killers of the most deranged kind, fanart has a hidden and terrible dark side. One most only type a scant few words into Google’s image search to discover it.

This, though. This goes beyond anything else I’ve seen.

No. Words.

This image appeared in a swell fanart thread over on NeoGAF. This is as horrifying as it gets though. Enjoy.

Related links:

WTFriday: Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons
WTFriday: GameStop's Guide to Women
Freaktastic Fanart: The Momachu
Freaktastic Fanart: Mega Man Zero Fanservice
Sailing the Internet Seas, Historical Preservation, and The Great Rumble Roses vs. Silent Hill vs. Metroid Dance Party Throwdown

WTFriday: Won't You Be My Gamer?

Derrick Sanskrit — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:00:00 GMT

I watched a lot of children's television when I was younger (this morning counts as younger, right?). Sesame Street was essential, Lamb Chop was interesting, David the Gnome was enaging, even Barney was fun in an ironic manner years ahead of becoming a jaded teenager, but Mister Roger's Neighborhood never quite felt right to me. Fred Rogers himself was like a warm grandfather figure who never had anything better to do than play make believe and aks whoever he came across pedantic questions about their immediate surroundings and actions. Even as a child I found this unsettling.

Had I seen this clip as a child, though, I would have at least had an exact moment to pinpoint "that's what creeped me out about him." Fred Rogers visits the arcade in the back of a restaurant of some sort and proceeds to ask a young boy about Donkey Kong. The whole thing sounds like an exchange with the elderly pedophile on Family Guy:

See that? The way he hunches over the boy, getting close enough to breathe on him? The way he asks the kid the object of the game in a soft tone and proceeds to ask what other games the kid plays (hopscotch?)? The way he oh-so-naturally puts his arm around the kid as they step aside? The way he asks "is that fun for you to play something like that?" This is a portrait of exactly who your teachers and parents told you not to talk to if you didn't want to be abducted and raped. How fitting that they're talking about Donkey Kong, a game with an implied degree of abduction with intent to deflower.

Also, it's kinda creepy when that other guy is like "I'm here to collect the money" right in front of them, and then he pops the board open to show them the switches. And the kid says "Down is not really used in this game"! Has he never made it past the first level?

Gah, watching this clip just feels so wrong. I want to be very, very far away from all of these people.

Previously on WTFriday:
Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons
Gamestop's Guide to Women
A Sad Dog's Rush Cosplay

WTFriday: Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons

Bob Mackey — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

We like to kid around a lot here at 61FPS, but there's nothing funny about crapping your pants. It's something we all try our best to avoid, if only because the social repercussions are so long-lasting; you may be able to clean a stain off of a pair of Levi's, but it's not so easy to launder a poo-stained reputation. This is why we should thank our lucky stars that training simulators like Kongregate.com's Don't Shit Your Pants exist; without it, you may find yourself in a situation where you have to crap but have no idea what to do next. The game gives you a brief 40 seconds (though you can extend this time if you're crafty) to figure out how to eliminate your waste in a socially-acceptable way through a retro text-based command system. But really, most of the fun of Don't Shit Your Pants lies in the many creative--and sometimes messy--solutions the game rewards you for with its built-in achievement system. Try and figure out how many ways there are to not shit your pants. You'll be glad you did.

Related Links:

WTFriday: GameStop's Guide to Women
WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish
WTFriday: S****ing With Fear: Not Just a Symptom of Colon Cancer

WTFriday: GameStop's Guide to Women

Bob Mackey — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

I don't shop at GameStop, mainly because of their policy of treating customer like pieces of human excrement who deserve to be murdered on the spot if they don't happen to want a magazine subscription. The last time I wandered into a GameStop was out of necessity; I wanted to pick up a Game Boy Player for my GameCube, and was promptly treated like the biggest asshole on the planet for assuming one existed in the store--even though one did. My constant mistreatment at the hands of people stuck in terrible retail jobs (I speak from past experience) has made me a devoted Amazon.com customer, but more importantly, it's also made me wonder how retail monoliths like GameStop treat their casual customers when they show such contempt for devoted nerds like you or I. Thankfully, a GameStop training video recently leaked to the Internet may just provide an answer to this query.

Behold, GameStop's "Understanding and Selling to Our Expanded Audience," or, "What to Do When There's a G-G-G-G-Girl in the Store." Like all employee training videos, it's extremely patronizing, both to the intended audience and the subject itself. Most of the advice is just common sense, though it all comes packaged in a glorious corporate creepiness that involves tapping into the deepest fears and insecurities of your customers. Let's watch.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish
WTFriday: S****ing With Fear: Not Just a Symptom of Colon Cancer
WTFriday: Dragon Quest Crotch Buddies

WTFriday: A Sad Dog's Rush Cosplay

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:50:00 GMT

On Christmas Day of 2008, an individual with a bad fake accent received a camera for a present, much as we're all rewarded for the hard work we performed during the birth of our Lord. Knowing the Internet was sorely lacking in pointlessly adorable content, this person went on to film his own series, “Dog Time,” starring a yellow lab with the saddest face in dogdom.

Episode 9 is relevant to our interests: the dog cosplays as Rush, Mega Man's trusty red pooch.

I swear the first words out of my mouth were, “Awwww, he wants to hang himseeeeelf!”

I work with dogs occasionally, so I like to think I can read them. I'm stumped with this puppy, though. I can't decide if he's really obedient to his master, or just really, really depressed.

“There is no Dog. Er, God.”

Related Links:

WTFriday: Mario versus Air Man
WTFriday: The Super Mario Bros Anime
WTFriday: The Star Fox 64 Promo Video

WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish

Bob Mackey — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

You'll have to excuse me for returning once again to the 90s promotional video well for this week's WTFriday; I can't help the fact that said well is seemingly bottomless. But to tell the truth, there's also something about the production quality of these promos that amuses me to no end; it's almost as if the multi-million dollar marketing teams I assume they paid to put these things together only had one idea written on a whiteboard in giant letters: "MTV-STYLE EDITING." So I guess it's more than fitting that such a worthless, gimmicky editing technique was applied to a video about the worthless, gimmicky console add-on known as the 32X. Yes, I went there; and I don't think anyone really minds, because the world's only 32X fan is as elusive as Bigfoot himself. But wherever this mysterious creature is, you can bet he has a constant loop of this running in his cave.

Fun fact: a girl once asked me if I was 32Xing yet, though I'm pretty sure she was just trying to sell me drugs.

Related Links:

WTFriday: S****ing With Fear: Not Just a Symptom of Colon Cancer
WTFriday: Dragon Quest Crotch Buddies
WTFriday: The Splash Woman Rap

WTFriday: Dragon Quest Crotch Buddies

Bob Mackey — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Ridiculous accessories for video games have always existed--and if you think this trend ended with the Power Glove, then you probably haven't seen the chainsaw or slime-themed controllers that were actually designed and released for consumers to purchase. Yeah, that chainsaw controller has its own web site. Anyway, gimmicky video game accessories are still around and successfully targeting the demographic of "people who have no idea what to do with their money;" but until I had read this recent 1UP story about a baffling Dragon Quest-related peripheral, I had no idea how bad things had become.

Friends, allow me to introduce you to the Dragon Quest Crotch Buddy.

Ostensibly, this little, attachable Dragon Quest slime is supposed to act as a more powerful set of speakers for the admittedly weak sound system of the DS, but I think we all know who this product is really made for: those who've gone their entire lives fantasizing about having a fictional monster's face buried in their crotch while gaming. It's an oddly specific fetish, I agree, but with the insane number of Dragon Quest fans out there, these freaks have to account for at least 3% of their audience. And really, I don't see how you can argue that this product isn't made for this ulterior motive--with the way I hold my DS, this poor little slime would be getting a face full of crotch 24/7. And I think we all agree that Dragon Quest slimes have hard enough lives without getting their cute little mugs shoved into the business end of someone's jeans all day.

Related Links:

WTFriday: The Splash Woman Rap
WTFriday: The Super Mario Bros. Anime
WTFriday: The Soothing Sounds of Yoshi

WTFriday: The Splash Woman Rap

Bob Mackey — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

"Sometimes it's hard to be Splash Woman..."
- Tammy Wynette, "Stand By Your Mega Man"

Thanks to the kind folks at Game Music 4 All, I've become obsessed with some of the more creative video game remixes out there, like the Mother mashup I posted about yesterday. The weekly WTFriday falls on something just as awesome, but far more bizarre: an original Mega Man 9 music video featuring a completely-original rap set to Splash Woman's stage music. The lyrics to said rap shine a little more light on the obvious sexual tension between Mega Man and Splash Woman, and also give us a disturbing look into an alternate universe where Sonic Team somehow became responsible for creating Mega Man's music. But rest assured that Knuckles' rapping abilities fall short when compared to this fan-made project.

Related Links:

WTFriday: The Super Mario Bros. Anime
WTFriday: The Soothing Sounds of Yoshi
WTFriday: Bob's Game Is a Big Ol' Slice of Psycho

WTFriday: The Super Mario Bros. Anime

Bob Mackey — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

For as popular as Mario is, it's surprising that anime adaptations of The Mushroom Kindgdom have been shockingly few in number. That isn't exactly the case for American animation, though; if you were "lucky" enough to grow up in the late 80s and early 90s, there's no doubt that at some point your butt was parked in front of a TV airing one of the three Super Mario Bros. series painstakingly crafted by trained apes. For whatever reason, Japan never thought to inflict an animated version of their most popular fictional celebrity on the nation's youth, aside from two projects--and if you think I'm being unfair to the American Mario cartoons, watch about one minute of Super Mario World and feel free to change your opinion after you purchase a seeing-eye dog.

Today's WTFriday spotlight falls upon the 1986 Japanese movie, Super Mario Bros.: Peach-Hime Kyushutsu Dai Sakusen! (or, if you don't know what any of those words mean, Super Mario Bros.: Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach!). What's interesting about this movie is that with only the original Super Mario Bros. in existence, the writers really didn't have a lot of mythology to draw from. This is probably why the movie wants us to think Princess Peach and the entire Mushroom Kingdom exist in a video game independent of Mario, and that somehow our two favorite Italian plumbers work in a grocery store. But even with all of the weirdness and that one fucking licensed song that they won't stop playing, Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach is a neat little Nintendo time capsule with a fun 80s anime aesthetic. I'll post the first segment of the movie below; if you want to watch the rest, click here to access a playlist with the following six segments.

I also recommend you check out the other Mario anime, which is a strange adaptation of the Japanese folk tale, Momotaro. Even if the content isn't too overwhelming, the animation is a fantastic realization of all that great Nintendo instruction book art put into motion.

Related Links:

WTFriday: The Soothing Sounds of Yoshi
WTFriday: Bob's Game Is a Big Ol' Slice of Psycho
WTFriday: PuLiRuLa

Try to Eat Eggs – But Not Bombs!

John Constantine — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT

I sometimes wonder what really fuels uproar and controversy over videogames. I honestly don’t think sex, violence, strong language, and adult situations is what concerns upstanding, moral adults about videogames. No, I think they get scared because games are freaking weird. Think about this for a second: to anyone who hasn’t been regularly exposed to games, they are incomprehensibly bizarre. For thirty years, no other medium in existence has produced as much hallucinatory and downright strange content as videogames. Just look at the source of this post’s headline. Imagine sitting down with Kirby’s Adventure not knowing much about Kirby’s trials and trevails in Dreamland, or about games broadly, and all of a sudden you see the friendly advice to consume eggs and not bombs. The next thing you see? An enormous, robed penguin, perched in the corner of a boxing ring, hurling vast quantities of eggs and explosives at your gelatinous onscreen proxy. What would you make of that? How would you process this information?

You’d bug right the fuck out.

I had to pause and reflect on just how peculiar our favorite hobby can be when I caught HG101’s most recent update. Kurt Kalata’s den of the forgotten and absurd has introduced me to some serious oddities over the years, but none of them compare to Snacks ‘N Jaxson. Snacks ‘N Jaxson goes beyond WTFriday. It goes beyond anything I’ve ever known in digital media. Kevin Christman, the writer responsible for HG101’s feature on the 1984 arcade classic, wisely reprinted the game’s promotional flyer in lieu of actually describing the gameplay.

SNACKS ‘N JAXSON is a unique game built around a clown who tries to eat his way through life without letting his nose break any windows.

Go ahead and read that again. Just try to work that through. Now look at this:

It’s no wonder we still see panic-inducing news reports on the evils of videogames. Imagine how this looks to people who don’t play?

Head over to HG101 for the whole scoop on Snacks ‘N Jaxson. It’s well worth the read.

Related links:

Watch Out, Kids! Video Games Can Hurt You
Fifty-Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right
World WTF Federation: Wrestling Games?
Japan Scares Me: Final Fantasy VII's Tifa in Tifatan X

WTFriday: The Soothing Sounds of Yoshi

Bob Mackey — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:00:00 GMT

Giving Mario's dinosaur pal Yoshi a human-like voice is quite possibly one of the worst ideas in the history of video games. Okay, okay; what Yoshi sounds like now isn't quite as brain-melting as the voice he had in the *shudder* Super Mario World cartoon, but almost everyone will agree that Yoshi's old, synthesized cry (one that's impossible to transform into onomatopoeia) is preferable to his newish status of sounding like a constipated toddler who shouts his own name like a Pokemon wannabe. Unfortunately, some people actually seem to enjoy the infant babblings of Mario's once dignified friend; specifically, people like YouTube user DJchedda727, who somehow thought it would be an awesome idea to transform the entire vocabulary of Yoshi into the illest of beats. The result is strangely catchy--but keep in mind that if you play the Yoshi Mix while driving, you may get shot at. By cops.

Video after the cut.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Bob's Game Is a Big Ol' Slice of Psycho
WTFriday: "This Place Is All About Your Balls."
WTFriday: Mario Versus Air Man

WTFriday: PuLiRuLa

Cole Stryker — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:30:00 GMT

Bob said I could take over this week's WTFriday when I showed him this oddity, so away we go.

PuLiRuLa is a basic side-scrolling beat-em-up and it's completely insane. Free jazz soundtrack, weird sexual imagery, and a mix of surreal photos and quirky animation. This was released to arcades in 1991, and was ported to several consoles in Japan later.

The surreal game defies all logic, and if it weren't for Youtube proof I'd swear I dreamt it. It's safe to say that whoever conceived the graphical style deserves the "Terry Gilliam of Japan" award. Highlights include a giant pair of legs, a sumo wrestler's bare butt and a 30ft wriggling tongue.

Scarring videos after the jump:

WTFriday: "This Place Is All About Your Balls."

Bob Mackey — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

Since the 61FPS crew got last Friday off to make mashed potato snow angels, I've had to sit on today's topic for well over a week--which is a shame, since the world needs to be aware of it as soon as possible. The "it" in question is D-Dub Software's BoneTown, which its Albuquerque-based developers are calling "the world's first action adventure porno video game." Really, BoneTown shouldn't be any more embarrassing than your average pornographic video game, yet it somehow is. I'll see if you can figure out why.

Obviously, the video below is not safe for work or family. Don't watch it even if you live in the same town as your parents. You have been warned:

I don't know if I can think of anything less sexy than racist characters from the Hot Shots Golf series getting it on with each other. Wait--actually, I can, but no one in their right mind would make a video game out of it. This is why I have decided to contact D-Dub Software with my wonderful idea. Please look forward to next holiday season's Grandma on Ape Bikini Scatplay 2010. It'll be sure to end Western Civilization as we know it! But, in the meantime, BoneTown is a good start.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Mario Versus Air Man
WTFriday: Atlus Takes on Third Wave Feminism
WTFriday: The Star Fox 64 Promo Video

WTFriday: Mario Versus Air Man

Bob Mackey — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

Today's WTFriday is more strange than stupid, but it's worth looking at nonetheless. Listen, I'm only human and sometimes I reach my capacity for hate. That being said, ROM hacks usually are stupid; they either make your playable character naked/demonic/into feces, or they're "remixes" which are unplayably hard for everyone except the hacker himself. The ROM hack I'm about to show you is unplayably hard, but it's also undeniably cool; and you also have the benefit of watching a YouTube video of said hack instead of having to suffer through it yourself. Believe it or not, this is an extremely modified hack of the original Super Mario Brothers:

Going to the page for this video will give you a ROM download link, but I urge you to not take advantage of this kind offer, lest you rob this hack of its magic. Plus, I'm pretty sure it was made with voodoo, or one of the dark arts. You don't want that stuff in your computer.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Atlus Takes on Third Wave Feminism
WTFriday: The Star Fox 64 Promo Video
WTFriday: Mega Man A Cappella

WTFriday: Atlus Takes on Third Wave Feminism

Bob Mackey — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 23:30:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

Remember Super Princess Peach? It was a lighthearted little platformer for the DS that featured some equally lighthearted sexism. I'm not about to write a thesis on the game--though in my self-serving academic life, that'd be just the thing to propel me to the top--but there's something to be said about the choice to make irrational mood swings Peach's weapon of choice. I like to think that the game contained little, collectable bottles of Pamprin until someone with some sense intervened.

RPG factory Atlus looks like they're ready to tread this same ground with their upcoming DS RPG titled My World, My Way. Known as The World Revolves Around Me in Japan (title translated, of course), My World, My Way confirms that Japan can only identify two kind of women: the kindly anemic lass, and the unbridled bitch. From what the official web site is telling me (Warning: it will make your mouse pointer all sparkly and stuff), MWMW is about a spoiled princess--obviously, hypersexualized and preteen--turned adventurer who uses something called "Pout Points" to control the world around her. Methinks someone on the development team had a nasty breakup.

There's something about this game that just doesn't sit right with me, aside from the obvious. It could be MWMW's info page, which is linked from a button that reads "This stuff looks complicated. Explain!" Kinda seems like the new "Math class is tough!" Barbie-speak of this decade. But in trying my best to think of MWMW's real danger, it finally dawned on me: young, anime-interested males may be playing a game far outside of their demographic, simply because it's Japanese and an RPG. And even worse, they could be tainted with an image of the opposite sex that is unhealthy for those looking to shed their virginity.

So, what to do? I'll let Morbo field this one:

STUPID HUMANS WOMEN DO NOT WORK THAT WAY

WTFriday: The Star Fox 64 Promo Video

Bob Mackey — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

When you're advertising your game, you definitely want to buy some Internet ads. TV spots are a must if you've got a big budget. And if you really want to go all out, you should definitely create a narrative about two Brooklyn wiseguys/corporate representatives kidnapping a skydiver and a scientist. Makes sense, really. Also, don't forget to steal the eyeball-popping torture scene from Martin Scorsese's Casino!

This approach may seem insane, but back in 1997, the aforementioned madness is how Nintendo chose to promote one of the N64's best games, Star Fox 64. We've seen a few promo videos so far on WTFriday, but this may be the goofiest--even if its intentions are pure. I'm sure Nintendo would like to bury this infomercial along with the very idea of the Virtual Boy, but YouTube is a source of inescapable shame. Just watch:

My favorite moment out of all this mess comes at 5:44, when the dollar store version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" kicks in. Did a lawsuit from the estate of Kurt Cobain prevent Nintendo from making further--possibly copyright infringing--promotional videos? Of course not. Jon Lovitz needed something to do after The Critic. I like to think of a hung over, out of work Jay Sherman narrating that one.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Mega Man A Cappella
WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase
WTFriday: The Chrono Trigger Anime

WTFriday: Mega Man A Cappella

Bob Mackey — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

Every Friday, I spent literally tens of minutes--and sometimes dozens of minutes--searching for something stupid and hopefully video game-related to share with my beloved readers. But some Fridays, links to substantially goofy content fall right into my lap--like today! 61FPS Reader Nathan Avilla was so kind as to forward me a Mega Man 3 game play video with all of the music/sound effects replaced by human wailing; it's shrill and taunting, yet somehow enchanting. I'd have preferred that the composer applied this idea to Magnet Man's stage, as science has proven that he has the best music in all of Mega Man 3--but still, I'm impressed:

Mega Man 3 'Vocal BGM' clip

And unlike most wacky online videos, this is definitely something you can do at home; all you need is a microphone, and to be castrated. But make sure you ask your parents' permission before buying an expensive microphone.

Related Links:

WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase
WTFriday: The Chrono Trigger Anime
WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy

WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase

Bob Mackey — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

With all the hardcore furor over the recently-released Wii Music, I think it's important to put things into perspective. Luckily for me, someone has already done this: namely, 1UP scribe Jeremy Parish, who made a remarkable amount of sense with a recent blog post. And, on his personal site, he also made a great comparison that I'm going to monopolize for the remainder of my own post:

Have self-proclaimed hardcore gamers always been this hysterical about "non-game" software? I feel like Wii Music is the latest in a long line of toys and apps that Nintendo has been churning out for years; nothing new in the least. Maybe it's because I wasn't lurking in the proper corners of USENET back then, but I really don't remember Mario Paint eliciting so much FUD back in the day; on the contrary, people seemed to love it, and it's still regarded fondly.

Seems sensible enough. But where would we be on WTFriday without something strange and disconcerting? This, my friends, is where Mario Paint comes in. I goofed around with this "game" quite a bit as a child, but little did I know that people were still actively using Mario Paint's composer for both good and evil. There's even a free program, aptly titled Mario Paint Composer, that emulates the game's basic music-making functions while adding a few new features that weren't exactly in demand back in 1992. After all, I doubt Nintendo anticipated an eight year-old reproducing anything like Dragonforce's "Through the Fire and Flames:"

Through the magic of searching YouTube, you can find quite a bit of these amazing compositions; but I suggest you first check out this article from Kezins on the 10 Most Creative Mario Paint Compilations. You'll find music theory--as with anything else--is much more interesting when it involves Mario.

Related Links:

WTFriday: The Chrono Trigger Anime
WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy
WTFriday: Play it Loud

WTFriday: The Chrono Trigger Anime

Bob Mackey — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 02:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

We're all excited about Chrono Trigger again--and why shouldn't we be? This November, we'll finally have the chance to pay $40 for a game we could've plunked down $70 for back in 1995. I'm such an unabashed Trigger fan that I actually unlocked all of the bonus content on the terrible PSX port of the game. Hey, it was new, and it was Chrono Trigger, so I was all over it.

So when the Chrono Trigger anime surfaced just a handful of years ago, of course I wanted to see it. It felt like some sort of crime that an animated version of one of my favorite games could be made and hidden from the world for so long. Only after watching it did I learn that the real crime was the making of the Chrono Trigger anime.

But you don't have to take my word for it:

So, let's see... You have a video game property combining the hottest talent across various industries, and you decide to make an animated version of said video game. Will it star the characters designed by one of the most popular comic artists in Japan? No. Will it follow the same story crafted by the most successful JRPG talespinner? Of course not; no one wants to see that. Instead, we'll get to see what really happens during the Millenial Fair at night--and wait for the money to roll in, of course.

I'd really like to know the story behind this production, because I bet there's an interesting one. The whole thing feels like it's barely official; Chrono and company only show up for the last few seconds, and we only see the backs of their bodies--perhaps they were just as embarrassed, too? Whatever the case, you are now aware that the Chrono Trigger anime exists, and are much less happy as a result. I'm sorry.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy
WTFriday: Play it Loud
WTFriday: Frawless Victory

WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy

Bob Mackey — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

I have to apologize because today's WTFriday is more than a little dated; but since my buddy picked up The House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return (not exactly a graceful title) for the Wii, I've had Goldman on my mind. Who's Goldman? Why, he's the series' recurring villain, whose plan to "cleanse the world" involves filling it with the most disgusting, abhorrent creatures to not really exist: zombies. But the important thing here is that he's clearly voiced by someone speaking English phonetically. The original Resident Evil tends to come to mind when we think of bad voice acting, but House of the Dead 2 is much, much worse--and rarely ever gets the credit it deserves.

Check out the following video and dare to tell me that stuff like "the master of unlocking" is even half as bad the marble-mouthed Goldman:

I have to give Sega credit for making sure that every line reading was performed completely out of context; in the lead up to the epic final battle, Goldman sounds more like a passive-aggressive biology teacher than a madman bent of world domination. Making something this terrible in 1998 was also pretty ballsy; remember, Metal Gear Solid came out just a month later. Sega and Capcom may have retconned their poor choices later in life by claiming that bad voice acting added to the B-Movie charm of their games--but it's more than obvious that back then they were being sincere.

Once again, I apologize for the old news; it's just that I'm personally bummed that Goldman never found a home in our land of video game memes; but maybe that's what makes him so special. In the end, though, I think we've all learned something from House of the Dead 2's voice acting: shouting "No! Don't! Come!" is no way to stop a zombie. Or an accidental pregnancy.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Play it Loud
WTFriday: Frawless Victory
WTFriday: The Adventures of Sonichu

WTFriday: Play it Loud

Bob Mackey — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 01:30:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

Once upon a time, video games weren't cool; sure, everybody played them, but from the Nintendo era until the mid-90s, they were regarded as toys for children, manchildren, and the unemployable. But with the debut of the Playstation, Sony changed all that; suddenly, video games were remade as this hip, new product that fit in well with all of the flannel and alterna-rock that dotted the landscape of our country like so many Taco Bell wrappers. It was around this time that Nintendo began to look significantly less cool--and some would say they never regained their cred until the recent wave of Wii-mania. So how would Nintendo try to shape its own image to fit in with whatever those damn kids were into? Why, the "Play It Loud" campaign, of course.

I'm not sure how much good this campaign did for Nintendo, because it certainly ruined the credibility of at least a few games; magazine readers of 1995 may remember the scratch and sniff Earthbound advertisements that did nothing but piss people off--and let's not forget the slogan "this game stinks," built completely around one of Earthbound's minor bosses. Ideas like these had to be fueled by cocaine or at least some mild hallucinogens.

Thankfully, everything that was ever aired on TV is now on YouTube, so I can show you Nintendo's tragic mistakes through the power of streaming video. Ain't life grand?

Our first ad is the Play It Loud campaign in a nutshell: baggy clothes, skateboarding, defiance of authority figures, and goofing around in front of a video camera going through its various special effects modes. Note the strange manifesto-like quality that comes through in the initial narration. Also note how the "we don't give a fuck" freewheeling teenage attitude completely faceplants when the word "hell" is bleeped out of the accompanying Butthole Surfers song. Think of the children!

Deal. With. It. Mom and dad! I'm gonna drink Snapple and watch Aeon Flux on a school night and there's nothing you can do about it! *slams door, puts Rotting Piñata in CD player*

If you thought bleeping out "hell" was embarrassing, here's an entire commercial centered around bleeping out swear words that are never said. It is troubling.

I leave you with perhaps the biggest injustice of the Play It Loud campaign, Nintendo's treatment of Yoshi's Island. Question: how do you sell the best 2D platformer that will ever exist? Why, rip off a joke from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, of course! I was an adolescent in the mid-90s. Now you know my hell.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Frawless Victory
WTFriday: The Adventures of Sonichu
WTFriday: Are You Bad Enough to Save Pamela Anderson from Colonel Sanders?

WTFriday: Frawless Victory

Bob Mackey — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

God bless YouTube; if it didn't exist, we'd have to rely on mere text and still images whenever we wanted to feel deep shame over the past. And since we're on the topic of shame, there's perhaps no better place to look than the early-90s promotional video, a popular product in the field of regret. Today's example, a Street Fighter II promo produced by Capcom USA, is a delightful mix of racism, baditude, and inexplicable motivations. For what better way is there to understand Street Fighter than to let the characters explain it to you themselves (Note: rhetorical question)?

Because I have more of a job to do than just link to videos and wait for the mad paychecks to start rolling in, I'll offer up some commentary on each character featured above.

Ryu - As indicated by the title of this post, it's very strange that the voice actor chose a single word on which to stress the whole Japanese L/R thing. Ryu is the rear champion. Bereave it.

E. Honda - "Hey, guy who did Ryu; if you let me kick you in the throat, we'll let you do the sumo guy, too."

"Deal."

Blanca - Ladies and Gentlemen, Keith David.

Guile - "We're not here to defend, we're here to win." Guile obviously moonlights as a junior high flag football coach.

Ken - Is a party dude.

Chun-Li - Is not nearly Chinese enough for my tastes.

Zangief - I'm honestly surprised that they didn't go for a Yakov Smirnoff style "bear wrestles YOU" joke setup here. He was still a hot topic at the time, instead of only being relevant to the city of Branson.

Dhalsim - Okay, I'm pretty sure that this is just someone doing an impression of Apu and slowing it down with the powers of the Tiger TalkBoy.

Balrog - Could this be the inspiration for Cleveland of Family Guy?

Vega - Has some 'splainin to do.

Sagat - Once again, the Ryu voice actor returns, showing his unlimited range.

M. Bison - Is Cobra Commander is disguise???

If you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out a way to have shredding guitar solos play whenever I open my mouth. It's going to involve a lot of electricity. With me luck.

Related Links:

WTFriday: The Adventures of Sonichu
WTFriday: Are You Bad Enough to Save Pamela Anderson from Colonel Sanders?
WTFriday: 20/20 from 20 Years Ago Copes With Nintendo

WTFriday: The Adventures of Sonichu

Bob Mackey — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

What is it about Sonic the Hedgehog that naturally includes him in all aberrant online behavior? This is the question we will try to answer today as we explore the mind of a manchild and try not to get lost or sign up for DeviantART accounts. The manchild in question goes by the hacker alias of "Sonichu;" and for a brief biography, I'll turn to our friends at the Internet's bullying headquarters, Encyclopedia Dramatica:

Chris-chan (AKA: Sonichu, CWC, Christian Weston Chandler) is a self-proclaimed 26-year-old "high-functioning autistic" virgin man-child, and creator of his own awesomely drawn series of comics starring his brilliant crossover of Sonic and Pikachu. He is also incredibly arrogant, sexist, homophobic and racist. Despite being a complete loser, his standards for a "potential Sweetheart" are laughably high and specified. He is known to stereotype women, often thinking that they are unable to notice him at the mall because they are "too busy shopping".

In case you couldn't tell, the rabbit hole on this one is pretty goddamned deep. But all you need to know is that some well-meaning fans have transformed his semi-autobiographical stories into a full-fledged multimedia experience, much like how Ken Burns combined banjo music and a few pictures of the civil war and ended up with PBS gold. Here's the first episode:

The rest of the episodes can be found here. Now you have a reason to drink yourself into oblivion this weekend. Go out and zap to the extreme!

Related Links:

WTFriday: Are You Bad Enough to Save Pamela Anderson from Colonel Sanders?
WTFriday: 20/20 from 20 Years Ago Copes With Nintendo
WTFriday: Birdo's Gender Confirmed?

WTFriday: Are You Bad Enough to Save Pamela Anderson from Colonel Sanders?

Bob Mackey — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

Why did a long-dead fried chicken salesman kidnap a brain-dead Baywatch star? It has something to do with cruelty--a cruelty far removed from being aware of this premise. And it in no way involves the trauma of eating grey, veiny chicken, AKA "KFC's original recipe." This wholly ludicrous story of an undead Southern gent turning to a life of crime comes from Peta's new web game, Super Chick Sisters, which may be a crime itself.

The game is an homage to Super Mario Bros. with an activist slant--okay, Mario and Luigi actually appear, so it maybe be a little more than an homage. After Wii-induced injuries find the two brothers completely incapacitated, the lesser-known female duo of Nugget and Chickette--who are baby chicks--must drop their busy lives to save someone who was reportedly attractive over a decade ago. Also, there's something in there about saving their tortured chicken bretheren. I should have paid closer attention.

As far as platformers go, Super Chick Sisters is innocuous to the point of sleep-induction. But as an instructive tool, it's even worse; the messages about animal cruelty are completely removed from the game itself--aside from the hilarious demonization of KFC. All the condemnation of the restaurant chain's practices are delivered via cinema scenes and text bubbles by NPCs that you can safely ignore. If Peta really wanted to show us how terrible chickens are treated by the Sons of Sanders, why not put us into the world of these flightless birds for their final grueling moments on Earth? Not quite as adorable as the Super Chick Sisters, but far more effective. Please insert the Ken Levine quote of your choice here.

Let's get one thing straight: if you like eating meat, you shouldn't be eating Kentucky Fried Chicken, for obvious reasons. Don't let a kooky activist group talk you into things like they've done with so many green dinosaurs in the past:

Yoshi is a metaphor for college freshmen.

Related Links:

WTFriday: 20/20 from 20 Years Ago Copes With Nintendo
WTFriday: Birdo's Gender Confirmed?
WTFriday: FMV Hell

WTFriday: 20/20 from 20 Years Ago Copes With Nintendo

Bob Mackey — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

It's always fun to take a trip back in time and see the media's reaction to something new back when it wasn't as innocuous as it is today. Case in point: ABC news magazine 20/20's 1988 investigative piece, "Nuts for Nintendo," where a youngish John Stossel grows unreasonably cranky at the concept of a childlike sense of wonder.

Part 1

Part 2

But despite Stossel's inescapable Andy Rooneyish narration, he ends up at a generally positive conclusion; the segment starts off with a real "These fucking kids and their Nintendos" sentiment, but ends with a declaration of the console's harmlessness. And I can take consolation in the fact that Wendy Stapen's children either disowned their mother or grew up to become huge libertarian douchbags like John Stossel. Nice parenting, Wendy.

The only thing that bothers me about this report Stossel's lack of fact-checking: he mistakenly labels Sub-Con as The Mushroom Kingdom, and claims that Mario fights "ducks." Ducks. Crap like that would send me into conniption fits as a child. But I guess 20/20 wasn't worried about their 8-and-under demographic.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Birdo's Gender Confirmed?
WTFriday: FMV Hell
Video Game TV: Can It Ever Be Good?

WTFriday: Birdo's Gender Confirmed?

Bob Mackey — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games get you to laugh at it until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

One of the lingering question in the world of video games for the past 20 years has been "What the hell's up with Birdo?" He/she has basically been Nintendo's version of It's Pat, bewildering us all, challenging our concepts of gender, and perhaps breaking Yoshi's heart in some depraved reptile version of The Crying Game. Known as"Catherine" in Japan, I've always assumed that Birdo's biography was a victim of Nintendo's "make shit up" policy when it came to writing manuals. UNTIL TODAY.

In case you don't have the 20 year-old booklet immediately available, here's what the US instructions for Super Mario Bros. 2 have to say about Birdo:

"[Birdo] thinks he is a girl and likes to be called Birdetta. He likes to wear a bow on his head and shoot eggs from his mouth."

Yet, according to the Super Mario Wiki, the Japanese manual for Super Mario USA (the other Japanese version of the game) says pretty much the same thing. I'm going to go ahead and trust these people since they wrote 5000 words about Birdo.

This statement applies to all translations of the title, including the Japanese version. In Japan, Catherine is male as well, and likes to believe that he is female. Like Birdo, he likes to be called Cathy as opposed to his real name, Catherine. Birdo's masculinity is also part of contemporary canon in Japan, but it appears to have been retconned in the west save for sly references here and there.

Don't think that means we can close the book on Birdo's gender once and for all; recent reports about the Japanese Wii game Captain Rainbow--in which Birdo plays a prominent role--have complicated matters further. On Wired's Game|Life, Chris Kohler explains an in-game mission where you bust Birdo out of jail--and also why this game will never, ever come out in America:

The officer throws [Birdo] in jail for using the ladies' room when he's clearly a man. Birdo asks you to go to his/her house and find "evidence that I'm a woman." So you do. This is how it happens. As you walk into Birdo's bedroom, you hear... a buzzing. The pillow on her bed is vibrating and buzzing. You walk up to it, and Captain Rainbow looks under the pillow to find... an item that's censored out on the screen. It's covered up with a question mark. "Proof that the owner is a woman," it says, leaving it at that.

So you bring what is in all likelihood Birdo's vibrator back to the police robot, who accepts it, whatever it may be, as prima facie evidence that Birdo is a chick.

While you're pondering the gender and sex toy preference of Birdo this weekend, stare at the following freaks. You'll be glad you did.

Related Links:

WTFriday: FMV Hell
The Ten Most Adventurous Sequels in Gaming History, Part 1
Mario Will Not Retire. He Will Outlive Us All.

WTFriday: FMV Hell

Bob Mackey — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 02:00:00 GMT

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

On the inaugural edition of WTFriday, I bring you a video I uncovered while doing research for an article about the worst-dressed video game characters. Behold, King's ending from the original Tekken:

There's something nightmarish about early CGI that really gets under my skin--and here, I think we have all the elements necessary for a high-octane dose of nightmare fuel: semi-surreal, fuzzy settings, oddly-proportioned, shiny characters, and that unnecessary dash of live-action to really make things unsettling. In the mid-90s, CGI had somehow progressed from bright, geometric shapes floating in gridspace to scenes that could be placed in Silent Hill without raising an eyebrow. It's like every digital artist of that era was obsessed with accurately recreating that place unbaptized babies go when they die. (Delaware)

I'm not sure how we ever tolerated stuff that looked like the video above, but such abominations undoubtedly inspired many excited preteen cries of, "Dude, what if the actual games looked like that in the future!?" Add this to the list of many reasons we should never listen to children.

Related Links:

FMV Hell: Sonic CD
FMV Hell: Lunar, The Silver Star
FMV Hell: Star Studded Casts - Do you Give a Crap?