I'm friends with a number of ex'es (indeed, I'm the agnostidad for one's daughter) and so is my wife.  The simple rule is that an ex- has to respect our relationship and be a part of both our lives -- no one can have a private relationship with one of us (though of course they can do stuff on their own with one of us; they just have to be willing to meet the other partner and do some things with the two of us).

    the verdict is still out on this one for me.  I can not be friends with my ex right now because i still wish we were together and it hurts too much to see him.  it really sucks though and is confusing because i i have lost my best friend of the last two years and there is nothing i can do about it unless i feel like torturing myself.  

    he was my first love and when i was with him he was hung up on his then last relationship.  at first i didn't realize the magnitude of the problem. over time it became more and more clear to me that the memory of her  was a third person in our relationship.  he may have convinced himself he was not still in love with her and probably wasn't but he was not over the pain from that relationship.  And because of this caused me a great deal of pain by bringing their relationship up in relation to ours and telling me details about her like it was common conversation about the news or something.  when it became clear to me that he would not be able to give me the simple things i needed out of a relationship partly due to this hang up it was devastating.  

    we dated for two years and the day he came to bring me some of my things he told me he was seeing someone already.  some people never learn.  i hope he does one day so he is not alone and unhappy.  and i really mean that.  not right now of course because if he ends up with the girl he got with right after me, without even blinking,  i think i will just implode.  but i dunno where does the love go?  to the next person he dates? cause from my experience that is iffy.  course i like to think that he is just fucked up about that and that most people can be friends with their exes and not let it ruin their current relationships. i guess it all depends on how much baggage the person allows their self to carry around and burden his new lovers with.  All i can say is that when i am able to date again I won't be bringing up him like he is the weather.  

Anything that breaks up my partner's monotonous, harping demands for sex would be absolutely fine by me. Go spend a week with your ex-boyfriend if you like. Send me a postcard.

amboabe:  

   no he doesn't put any effort forth or check in.  to be fair, i told him that i still loved him and that I couldn't be his friend for now.  I'm in the i still wish we were together having sex and holding hands and i have to drink a bottle of wine and blast jazz as i pass out in leu of sleep phase of heartbreak.   And he is in the I never morned our relationship i clearly lost my soul in the last year and the former me has been abducted by aliens and i don't know how to be an adult and process things so i am now screwing a brunette and don't understand why you are so hurt and shocked by my actions phase of his fucked up break up process.

    so i guess i didn't love myself enough and loved him too blindly and the whole friend thing ain't going to happen any time soon, if ever.  and that makes me very sad because i think i would be a person who wouldn't want to throw away someone i loved once, under different circumstances.  The last time we spoke i did tell him if he ever needed anything or ever called me i would answer and that i didn't hate him and never could.  my friends told me i should have told him to fuck off.  i am too nice though and i loved him.

   sorry i wrote a novel in response to your post by the way.  it just got me thinking.  your posts are often a very good read and they make one think.  I think it's great that you can be friends with your ex and it sounds like her boyfriend needs to be more trusting or she needs to date a cooler person that takes interest in her life.  

What about if they're still your best friend and the love of your life and you would leave your current girlfriend in a heartbeat if only they wanted to get back together with you?  Is it okay then?  Please say yes.

Meh, I used to think that once you broke up with someone, you should cut them out of your life completely and let the healing start. When I grew up a little, I changed my opinion on that. Now I think I'm on a case by case basis - with some people it works, with others you just never want to see them again. I think making it black and white is the immature thing - intelligently assessing whether or not each person is worth keeping in your life (ie will this person make me happier in the long run or more miserable?) is the smarter decision.

A lot of it falls on the other person, as well. If your ex phones you every week to talk about how her and her new boyfriend are fighting (or even worse, NOT fighting and fucking like rabbits), then obviously, it's time to cut that cord. Calling to relive the "good old days" is probably out as well. Fortunately most of my exes are intelligent and considerate enough to skirt around those issues, and I do the same for them. It's all common sense and decency, really.

amboabe:

thanks for that.  i may have given up on love for now but i'm in it for the long hall.  I'll be damned if i let one person ruin my ability to love.  I think that as much as it hurts now, and as much as i may never understand his actions, that in the end I will understand myself more from this relationship.  with scars come wisdom?  so, interesting thought she left you with: "in love with my own ability to love."  My thoughts on that are that yes that is an unfair thing to say but now i too am thinking about it.  and my main thought is thank god.  i would much rather be eager to blindly put myself out there, letting someone really know me and dumbly love someone with all their flaws than not be capable of it.  so if that means we are in love with love?  we should be happy about that.  cheers.  

"Kissing someone who's just vomited doesn't taste bad, surprisingly. Her mouth was totally neutral and didn't have any hints of rancorous bile."

That was an alcohol-overdose puke.  Try kissing someone who's just puked because of food poisoning -- from a meal eaten hours ago.  Now THAT will be a party in your mouth!

uhm, you make me laugh and i think i have a crush on you. if i were willing to pay to join nerve i would ask you out. Hi!

Freud, you know you can post a profile for free, right?  If you're serious about grooving on Amboabe, write one up and send him a wink, and he can respond out of his own account.

God, I'm such a yenta.

I think it's a case by case basis as well.  I'm recently out of a relationship, I got hurt, and there's no way I could be friends with my ex right now.  Honestly, he hasn't given me any reason to want to be friends with him.  I thought I loved him, I definitely care about him, but the way he behaved makes me not want to be friends with him unless he showed me he cared at all.

Other exes I have remained in touch with.  It's hard to discard someone who you truly love and care about, and I don't like to do that. Sometimes, though, it's for the best.  They gotta show they give a shit to make that work.

short version: yes.  long version: yes, as long as i don't think about her having sex with anyone other than me.  ever.

Friends with the ex is doable, but down the road when feelings have had the time to change. As already stated, being friends with an ex that you still have feelings for, is just opening up the door to more heartache.

Best Wishes

Friends with an ex is definitely doable, but down the road when the feelings have changed.

As already stated, attempting to be friends with an ex that you still have unresolved feelings for is only opening the door back up to more heartache.