date machine : humor

plan b and the contingency fuck

spit or swallow

women are cruel

older women

Psychology of the female orgasm

Does HAIR matter?

SEX TIPS for DUMMIES

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

plan b and the contingency fuck

Date Confessions: Still more SNARKY and ASSININE responses to Nerve Dating Confessions... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:13:00 GMT

Back by popular demand.... I take your confessions, and turn them into comedy gold.

"I think I have a psychological addiction to feeling special. If I don't have it I will do anything to get it. Even if it means hurting someone I love."

I think the proper clinical terminology for this is ‘self centered cunt’.

"What is it about Spring that makes past crushes/exes/hook-ups come out of the woodwork?"

Simple, Spring is always the time for getting back in touch with your Plan B contingency fuck. You see, Spring is when most people get dumped by their Plan A.

"i waited for 20 years for him to find me again. but he did and it was worth the wait."

…and the icing on the cake is his monthly social security check!!

"I don't remember every bad choice I made being bad while I was making them."

Except maybe that one time I had unprotected sex with Mr. raging herpes guy.

"Yes, she's my cousin. But my mom would give me hell if I cut things off with her. You understand, don't you?"

Random text message intercepted from the Palin family….

"I just don't see you as the Honey, I'm home type."

You’re more like the….’bitch, I’m back, crack out the wine cooler’ variety.

"I am shy. From a pseudo-evolutionary standpoint, you could make the argument that my model should be recalled or discontinued."

Taken from Charles Darwin’s childhood diary…

"My boyfriend and I were standing in line for ice cream when he leaned over and whispered in my ear; "I forgot to wash my face. It tastes like you." Then he kissed the top of my head, put his arm around me and smiled. It was embarassing/sweet/gross/sexy/adorable."

What he failed to notice was, he actually HAD washed his face, he simply mistakenly ordered the ‘skanky puss’ flavored ice cream.

"What on earth makes you think having a drink with me is the safe choice? Surely you know me better than that! But, yes, we can start with a drink and see what develops. Maybe you’ll find out what’s on that top shelf…"

It’s a huge dildo right… c’mon of course it is… big honking 10 foot plastic cock.. right? Right??

"I can't decide whether being sluttier would make me feel more liberated or depressed."

The better looking you are = more liberated… the fuglier you are = more depressing.

"I've had so many problems with men in the past year it has completely skewed my sexuality. I was once someone who loved and desired and was open about sex and proud of it and now sex is so intertwined with bad feelings and memories of failed sex and relationships i can't watch porn with couples having sex, i can't listen to people talk about having sex and i can't masturbate without waves of sadness flooding up to the surface even though my body craves sex like crazy. I can't handle it, how could i get this way? I look at old lingerie i used to buy in eager anticipation for someone else and i just want to cry. I am so embaressed by this and how will i get over it?"

Jesus.. quit your whining and go suck a dick.

an oldie but goody...Jlo

spit or swallow

women are cruel

older women

Psychology of the female orgasm

Does HAIR matter?

SEX TIPS for DUMMIES

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Date Machine: HAIR - does it make a difference? Plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 20:48:00 GMT

I used to have a friend in college with the blondest hair I'd ever seen. I mean, this guy's hair was white-blonde blonde. He was also pretty tall, which made it really easy to pick him out of a crowd. I must say, the chicks totally dug it - which annoyed me to no end. They were constantly coming up to him cooing inanely..

'Ooohhh can I touch it??'

'Ohhh I love your hair it's like so coooool!'

Back in the early 1990s, most everyone was abusing their hair in the silliest of ways. Either they were applying strange concoctions of beeswax and smegma in order to acquire the ultimate dread locks, or they were drenching their noggins in manic panic hair dye so they could look like Billie Joe Armstrong. Personally, I never really did much but grow it long. Actually, I did pour a whole bottle of 'sun-in' on my head when I was 18, but it just turned my hair orange. It took me a full year and a half to totally grow that shit out.

We had a few stock styles when it came to hair back in those grunge-y days. The women were quite fond of the bob cut, kinda like a punkier version of Dorothy Hammil. They also did a lot of purple or blue streaking, and the occasional bettie page bang. Many guys had that 'long in the front/short in the back' Johnny Depp circa 21 Jumpstreet deal going on. Of course, Johnny Depp was really the only one who could ever pull that thing off properly. Most everyone else looked like total douchewrenches.

Still, I guess the most prominent style back then was long and unwashed.

Seemed like the only way to get a chick to look twice at you back then was to have long hair. If you had that dumb wavy muppet hair like Eddie Vedder, then you were REALLY something special - you'd get more tang than an astronaut.

These kids today have gotten far more complicated with their tresses. Some of these 'dos' I see walking around are so elaborate, it makes me wonder how long they take to style in the morning. The funny thing is, it's the guys that have the most worked on coifs - the women, have far plainer things going on. I'm sorry, I'm no macho meat head, but even I feel it's a bit fem when the guys are spending far more time working on their 'looks' in the bathroom mirror. I wonder, do the young gals out there really dig this stuff? These preening tools strutting around like roosters that stuck a foot in the socket - is it a turn on?

Moreover, in general, how important is hair when it comes to choosing a partner?

Does preference of color, length, texture come into play in any significant way? Moreover, what if you met someone - male or female - that was gorgeous, funny and charming yet was either bald, or had thinning hair. Would it be a deal breaker?

From what I hear baldness is one of those major disappointments women run into doing the online dating. Baldness and shortness - in any combination.

Ahhh.. these superficial standards we set up for ourselves, in the end, does any of it really matter?

Kim from Matt and Kim..

SEX TIPS for DUMMIES

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Sex Machine: Zeitgeisty SEX TIPS for DUMMIES!!... plus the throb

zeitgeisty — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:48:00 GMT

When you blog about sex and relationships, people tend to look to you as some sort of 'guru'. I'm constantly besieged with all manner of questions related to fucking, sucking, and dating. Always mindful of my position of influence, I try to dole out my advice in as sage and comforting a manner as possible – although sometimes I have to get a bit tough with some of the masochists. The interesting thing I’ve discovered is, most everyone has some at least some modicum of insecurity when it comes to their own sexual prowess. My mailbox is literally flooded each day with reader requests for insider info on how to become better lovers. In order to address all of you incompetent fumblers out there, I’ve compiled a list of sex and relationship tips that should serve you in good staid for years to come. So without further adieu…

1) Women, do not ever refer to a man’s penis as ‘cute’, ‘widdle’, ‘adorable’, or ‘mignon’.

2) Men, do not ever refer to a woman’s vagina as a ‘tuna boat’, ‘stink hole’, ‘garbage dump’, or ‘sulfur city’.

3) ‘Spelling out the alphabet’ with your tongue as a fun way of giving a woman head is infantile and doesn’t work – especially if you’re attempting to sing the ‘alphabet song’ whilst doing it.

4) Men, never refer back to your ex-girlfriend with the huge tits and perfect ass as ‘great in bed’ but completely crazy. You see ALL women are completely crazy, so it’s not much of an insult. The only thing your present girlfriend will hear is, ‘Huge tits’ and ‘Great in bed’.

5) Women never refer back to your asshole ex-boyfriend who’s dick was ‘way too big’. You see ALL guys are assholes, so it’s not much of an insult. The only thing your present boyfriend will hear is, ‘Huge dick’.

6) Men, it’s called a clitoris not a Rubik’s cube - it’s not that difficult to figure out. Look it up in the goddamned dictionary under ‘C’ for crying eye. It is the female equivalent to the penis, meaning it’s what gets them off. Attend to it carefully, it’s a clitoris not a gummi bear.

7) Women, it’s called a penis not a flexi straw. Attend to it carefully, no 90 degree angles, or ‘stretch armstrong’ antics. It’s not a good thing when your man is left with blood blisters up and down his Johnson.

8) Men, remember to cut your fingernails before sticking your fingers in her ass.

9) Women, remember to cut your fingernails before sticking your fingers in his ass.

10) Men, when your lady asks you to pick up a ‘toy’ for later on, she doesn’t mean that vintage 6 million dollar man doll you’ve been 'watching’ for 3 days on Ebay.

11) Women, when your fella’ asks you to pick up a ‘toy’ for later on, he doesn’t mean a ‘butt plug’ for him….well usually he doesn’t anyway.

12) Men, be careful, ‘manscaping’ does not require hedge clippers. Moreover, never trim your pubes into funny animal shapes.

13) Women, either go with the bald look, or the full on fur burger, ‘Hitler moustaches’ are way too ‘2002’.

14) Men, forget about her sister, ‘cause it’s never gonna happen.

15) Women, forget about his best friend, he’s dating someone way hotter than you.

I hope you all find these tips useful. It’s been a pleasure to share with you my expertise and if I have saved only one person from horrible sex, I believe I've done my job!

Jane Wyman

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Date Night: HAND-JOB in Hungary - my only true love!..plus the daily throb.

zeitgeisty — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:52:00 GMT

I met J in an outdoor café in Budapest, she was clothed in crinoline of smoky burgundy and appeared softer than the rain. She also beared a slight resemblance to Art Garfunkle, but that's neither here nor there. At that time, I was in Hungary on a student’s visa - apparently somebody had left it on the chair in the café, and although I found it quite uncomfortable, I was too lazy to remove it from underneath my buttocks.

In the midst of the bustling lunchtime congregation she stood out like a freshly minted dime – petite, shiny, and with little ridges on her rim. I was instantly struck by her gestalt, as she had sailed at my head a tiny paper airplane with only the word ‘gestalt’ written on its side in a child-like scrawl.

It wasn’t her astounding beauty that initially drew me to her, as in all honesty she looked like something you’d find in a petry dish. No, what got me was the odd fact that she was carrying in her left hand an extraordinarily large socket wrench. Later I found out that she was a studying abroad, working on her doctorate in advanced plumbing.

I must tell you, she was quite a sight, sitting there cross legged with a decidedly dainty air talking to herself in low tones, and gesticulating wildly with the wrench. I was all at once intrigued, nauseated, threatened and slightly aroused. I listened in to the conversation she was having with herself, and overheard her use the word ‘dialectical’ – I was instantly smitten. I sidled up to her suavely and asked her if she’d care for another coffee or perhaps a piece of Danish.

‘Hungarians don’t eat Danish’, she retorted in an odd monotone.

‘Ahh… I had no idea. So you’re from here?’

‘No, I’m Armenian, but when in Rome…’

I could tell she would be a hard nut to crack, but one look at her wrench and I knew I had to have her. Still I had to be cautious, for one thing she was carrying a potential implement of destruction, for another my mother had always taught me never to inhale too deeply next to an Armenian.

‘Well perhaps you’d like some strudel then, I hear they make a fine strudel’

‘OH!’, her eyes lit up.. ’Yes please, I would love a prune strudel’

…and with that I was in!

It’s funny, up until then I had ordered many different types of pastry; choux; danish; profiterole; but after J it would be only prune strudel from then on. It was almost as if it were some kind of ‘psychic howl’ a broken promise made to myself, of which I alone was aware. It was a way of showing solidarity to myself, or rather ‘solo-darity’ as I was the only one who understood, or cared.

Nowadays, every time I eat a piece of prune strudel I chuckle knowingly to myself. One time a fellow patron at a local café was so irritated by my knowing chuckles that he beat me very badly, and put me in the hospital for two months. I still continue to knowingly chuckle though – I just do it much quieter.

J and I ate our strudel, flirting, and laughing - I with her, and her mostly with herself – well into the crisp Budapest-ian night. As the shadows became longer and longer, it was time for us to part, but not before she was able to give me a tender hand-job underneath the table. Well, technically it wasn’t a true hand-job, as she used her socket wrench – luckily as I have stated before it was a very large wrench!

My heart, and penis were never the same after that night. That wretched, ridge-y, mental case with a large socket wrench embodied everything I’d ever wanted in a woman. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be as later that week I would be deported for attempting to fuck a fire hydrant in broad daylight.

I will never forget J though….my only true love.

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Sex Machine: Striving for CONSISTENTLY DECENT SEX...plus the DAILY THROB!

zeitgeisty — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:07:00 GMT

Most men don’t need a specific position, or permutation in order to climax. Just sufficient invigoration and we’re off to the races. A lot of women however have a defined formula to get them where they wanna go, and once you’ve found this formula, this becomes the finish line for – ‘relationship sex’.

Point A can start any way whatsoever, from a playful game of boggle, to shoving anal beads up the neighbor’s cat. Point B however, ends with the defined formula to achieve HER orgasm.

A lot of the time, sex in a relationship is like a deluxe jerk-off. Optimally, both parties achieve satisfaction in a stimulating if not slightly perfunctory way. All the ‘go-to’ maneuvers are in place, and climax is pretty much ensured. It’s consistently decent – unless it’s not. To me consistent decency is what you want to shoot for in every aspect of life, whether it be a restaurant, a bowel movement, or relationship sex. If the consistency is not there, problems ensue. Some people have a problem with describing sexual intimacy as 'decent' - my girlfriend included - but to me 'decency' ranks right up there with any of the superlatives. Personally speaking, if I can maintain consistently decent sex after a year with someone, then that's the top of the pops! Usually I get sick of fucking the same person after 3-4 months.

Now, I’m not saying that ‘relationship sex’ shouldn’t vary in terms of eroticism, physicality, or emotional investment, I’m just saying one shouldn’t expect ‘le sex show’ every night. In the first place, I was never one of those ‘sex guys’ anyway. I mean, I enjoy it don’t get me wrong, it’s just not my fucking raison d’etre. I’ve known those types of guys, they’re the ones getting ‘happy endings’ at some Korean massage parlor in mid-town. They’re the ones with skin that looks like it’s been soaked in the brine of a thousand cunts.

That’s just not me.

I don’t think a relationship should revolve around sex. Sure, it should be part of it, but lets be honest here, once you’re with someone for a while, sex becomes just another thing you both do together, like having dinner, or watching the tube. Of course, once you’re in the thick of it, your brain shuts off and you turn into the monkey, but the world floods in almost instantly upon orgasm, almost as if it had all been a dream.

Some people are hyper-sexual, and in turn their relationships become sexualized. I’ve never known that to work long term. At least I’ve never experienced that – of course I’m not hyper-sexual. That’s not to say that I’m grandma moses in the sack, I’m just not a guy who has oils and vibrating eggs in a ‘goodie drawer’.

It’s just one leg of the three legged stool that makes it all up.

1)Sex, 2) liking their brain, and 3) accepting and enjoying them for who they are – because they’ll never change anyway.

bar rafieli

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date machine: Dream Date??

zeitgeisty — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 18:21:00 GMT

Sunday I received an irate note in my Nerve inbox simply stating..

'Well.. are you not going to respond? This is my 3rd and final notice!!"

I checked out the accompanying profile, and realized it's from some chick I had written to a few weeks ago. Apparently she had replied to me TWICE and never heard back from me. I immediately searched my inbox, but I couldn't find her letters. Such strange going's on. Had they just disappeared into thin air, or was there a more sinister explanation. It actually made me wonder whether this was an isolated incident. Just how many women have responded to my missives without me knowing about it?

I replied apologetically, stating I had absolutely no idea what happened, but it seemed her letters had gotten lost in the mail somehow. I suggested we waste no more time and meet up later that night. She agreed. We decided on Café Pick me up on the corner of 9th street and Avenue A, a favorite spot of mine.

To prepare for our meeting, I went back to check out her profile in greater detail. I remembered it now, specifically because she had chosen for her main quote, a line from one of my favorite Tom Waits songs. Aside from that, she was decidedly cute. Her pictures were straightforward and clear, with none of that 'open to interpretation' style of photography a lot of these profiles have going on. The only thing that worried me was the height thing. I'm 6 foot, and it stated that she was 5 foot, which to me is verging on midget like proportions. I was a tad concerned we might look like Mutt and Jeff walking down the street together. Still, I suppose she could always wear heels.

I arrived there a bit early, and took a seat by the windows. The café overlooks Tompkins Square Park, and is prime for people watching. I got myself a coffee and watched the humanity pass by, steady and insistent like an ocean of hipster crashing up on my shore.

Shortly after I had taken my first sip of brew, I spotted her heading towards me as she was crossing the street. She looked damned good. In mid stride, she caught me staring through the window and waved, flashing a smile so actively charming it disarmed me instantly. She sat down, and we made our introductions. I offered her a drink of some sort, and she appreciatively accepted, requesting a java with a little skim milk. I procured the beverage and we instantly dove into conversation.

I have to admit, I felt a little discombobulated at first, as I wasn't expecting her to be as attractive as she was. Thick, longish chestnut hair, pulled back stylishly, flawless olive skin, big brown eyes… As she took off her jacket, I could get an eyeful of her bodacious bazooms. I tried to avert my eyes as best as I could, and play it cool though.

I must say, I liked the cut of her jib…

We discussed a whole host of topics, ranging from the Yankees dropping the ball on the whole Santana situation, to our favorite Waits album, to how colossally overrated Juno is (..of course I never even saw it, but I played along like I did). Mid-way through the conversation, I realized that this date was going fantastically well. There were none of those 'uncomfortable silences' so common to these types of deals. That's not to say that I need to fill up every second of a date with meaningless blather, I know how throw in a dramatic pause or two to keep the right amount of anticipation in the air.

I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

After awhile, she suggested we go take a walk through Tompkins Square Park, so we both waded into the hipster ocean, further and further out 'til I could barely see the café off in the distance.

We continued chatting about Updike, Roth, and Salinger, and how at one time I made an attempt to read the entire canon of 20th century Anti-Hero fiction, but never made it past Rabbit, Run. She disclosed that she'd never been able to finish 'Confederacy of Dunces' and I urged her to do so, stating that she simply needed to get past the first hundred pages before she'd 'get it'.

Eventually, the banter slowed down, and she asked coyly whether I'd like to check out her apartment which was ‘just around the corner’…Well, normally I wouldn't have, it's a bit much for a first encounter I feel, but I felt particularly comfortable around her especially for a first date, and she did have a colossal chest of sweater treasure, so I thought to myself ' what the hell' and said ok...

We climb up the flight to her apartment, and walk into the typical speck of an apartment, you'd find on the lower east side. Basically one room with a large bed stuck in the corner. It never fails to amaze me how important beds are to women. I mean, mine is just a mattress and a box spring. Sometimes I have sheets on it, sometimes I don't. In fact, once I went a year on a mattress where half the springs had collapsed. It looked more like a listing life raft than a mattress. Her bed was an elaborate affair, all done up with an assortment of pillows of various kinds, a poofy duvet cover, thousand thread count sheets, you know - the works.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, as there was no furniture around. She asked me if I wanted to hear some music, and I said fine – silently wondering what her selection would be. She proceeded to put on some Wilco, followed by a bit of Bright Eyes. Both bands aren't what I would call favorites of mine, but at least it wasn't Feist. At this point the conversation had devolved into the usual mating dance mambo..

It's funny how even the most intelligent and in depth discussion between two highly educated and elevated minds always seems to winds up here. Inching closer, ensconced in a heavy silence pregnant with expectation, a hand on a thigh, a caress of the arm, and it's on!

We made out on that elaborate bed of hers for most of Bright Eyes' Cassadaga.

She had an easy touch, definitely not a grabber or a pincher, which eased my mind that she wouldn't be a 'meat mangler'. She kissed very well, excellent tongue usage, with no face sucking asphyxiation going on.

After about twenty minutes of pretending like I was too suave to stampede directly towards her scrumptious melons, I allowed myself to squeeze the Charmin. They were fabulous. Annoyingly though, during the entire session, I had incredible gas, and needed to concuss a beefy fart in the absolute worst way. With every move I made, I'd have to clench my buttcheeks together tightly to prevent rippage!! This is one of the reasons I hate first dates – the gas. Usually, you can release the methane when you're both out walking in the street, but in a miniscule shoebox of an apartment, it gets trickier.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom, adjusted my gargantuan tumescence and meekly limped towards the door. As soon as I shut it behind me, I realized that the apartment was so tiny, she'd probably be able to hear every move I made in there. I wound up having to sit down on the can, wad up a bunch of tissue and muffle my asshole while I exploded rectally. As I was sitting, I noticed she had all her medications up by the sink, since there was no cabinet. So of course, I snooped through the various bottles…

'Hmmm.. Claritin, that's ok… More allergy stuff.. something for head aches… Vitamins…good .. good…Hmmm.. What's this… from a shrink?…C – L – O – …..'

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!.. 'Is everything alright in there??'

I immediately fumbled about, pulling my pants up, whilst trying to put the bottle back exactly where it was…

'Yeah, be out in a sec..!!'

I flushed the toilet, and sat back down on the bed..

'You ok?'

'Yeah fine.. I'm great.. Why do you ask?? '

Of course I was wondering what the hell was in that bottle… C- L – O – … I thought I saw a flash of zap, or pine.. I couldn't tell for sure.. Damn, she had interrupted me before I could read it properly. I figured when I got home, I could enter the first few letters alongside the key word 'medication' on Google and see what I came up with.

We made out for a bit longer, stopping right before we reached the friendly the town of Blow Job, and made plans to meet up very soon. We kissed goodbye, and I head out to Avenue B and caught myself a cab back home.

As soon as I could get to my computer, I Googled ‘C – L – O – .. medication’. The first thing that popped up was Clozapine. That seemed right, I could swear that was it.. At least I was almost positive it was… CLOZAPINE. I was sure of it!! So I clicked on it and discovered that Clozapine is…

…the only FDA-approved medication indicated for treatment-resistant schizophrenia and for reducing the risk of suicidal behavior in patients with schizophrenia …

Grrrrreeeaaaatttt….

Date Machine: It's not funny being single

airheadgenius — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:48:00 GMT

I don't mind being single. In fact, a lot of the time the thought of having to consider someone elses viewpoint/plans/schedule sounds like a giant pain in the arse and it's all I can do to ever imagine being in a serious relationship again. (Lest you throw out the selfish bitch card, let me remind you that I spend an inordinate amount of time considering and meeting the needs of my two sons and there's little time for my needs as it is)

Once in a while, the practicalities of being a singleton frustrate me - when I am lugging around furniture by myself for the umpteenth time for example. But luckily I have strong friends, so that need gets met too.

I sometimes get fed up when I spend time cooking dinner - which I do at least 5 days a week - only to be told by a 7 year old that my food is disgusting. (He gets a time out since he is only allowed to say that he doesn't like it)

On those days, I imagine how much nicer it would be to have a partner across the table who appreciated my culinary talents, which are reasonable and even considerable on a good day. But I have friends over for dinner every week and so, again, that issue is resolved on a regular basis.

It's the tiny little things that get me down.

For instance, this morning I was checking my many email accounts for my many different jobs and responsibilities and I came across this particular advertisement on a parenting list serve:

"I am selling this great Ikea dining table (not the chairs) that I've had for three years and which
is in perfect condition: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40134347
$80 --cash and pick up only -- I live in BedStuy, Brooklyn. The table can be dismounted"

It cracked me up. Presumably they meant dismantled.

I wish I'd someone in that moment to laugh with.

Here are some I made earlier:
The V Word
The taste of pussy
You people smell
Click Addict
Profile Pictures
If I don't get laid soon
Sex standing up
Is this the best you can do?

Why am I always jonesing for dead guys?

Michael Hutchence

Sex Machine: SEXUAL pet-peeves or You just love my DOGGY-STYLE

zeitgeisty — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:53:00 GMT

‘What you don’t like it from behind? You can’t see my face? Shut up and turn around, let me go about my business.’

‘Stop moving I say! Why are you squirming like a toad? Why are you squirming like the killer’s brain in the song Riders on the Storm? Yeah it’s the same thing, I was being sarcastic, now shut face and turn your head - let me get on with the pounding.’

'Yeah babe, I know you love that doggy style, doggy.. doggy style... Yeah I know right? I hate that expression too!.. DOGGY... I'm bangin' you like a little furry doggy.. DOGGY STYLE.. It's like totally infantile right?.. See how sympatico we are? I love you!!.. Now get your face back in that pillow so I can ram your ass.'

‘yes.. good…yeah… uh.. could you just be a TAD quieter.. My Aunt Shirley’s in the next room. I know.. I KNOW. I don’t want to inhibit you, but she’s just in from Tel Aviv. Ok.. better’

‘Alright babe, let’s do some side action.. yeah! Let me just get one leg up there, and.. no that leg goes there, and yeah, alright.. good.. STOP, my balls are squashed jesus… yeah good, no stop moving around like that, it’s not conducive to.. yes, ok better,,’

‘Are you reaching for my nipples? Haven’t we discussed this?’

‘Ouch! You hit me!.. Ok you like it rough, I’ll show you rough… where did we put that toilet plunger? I’m gonna hit you in the kidneys with it… ahhh not so tough now huh? Get your face over here I’ve got something for it!’

‘Yeah I know you like that huh!!.. Tasty shit huh??... '

'I’m glad you enjoyed that, I thought you’d appreciate a nice refreshing York Peppermint Patty mid-coitus, now let’s get back to banging.’

‘We’re in the home stretch now, get those legs up, yes, tote that barge lift that bail…We’re almost there!!...yes…yes….wipe off that chocolate from your face, it looks like you just ate ass.. ok.. yes… yes…YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘phew…glad that’s over..’

‘You getting up? Could you get me a seltzer from the bodega?... Oh and don’t disturb Aunt Shirley on your way back in…’

Sex Machine - sex with ichat...the webcam file

zeitgeisty — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 15:13:00 GMT

Was talking to a friend that says he has 'sex' with his girlfriend who lives in Europe through ichat. Now, in theory this sounds like a pretty hot concept - not specifically in my friend's case as I've seen his girlfriend, and she looks like something you'd find in a live bait store, but GENERALLY speaking. The only hitch is the photo quality is so grim. I don't care how attractive you are, you always wind up looking like a hostage.

I've never tried the whole mutual masturbation ichat thing, but I could see how it might be a depressing proposition. You would think with all the advanced technology out there, they'd come up with a more sophisticated web-camera. How can you properly get in the mood when it looks like you’re jerking off to someone in the cargo hold of some intergalactic space barge broadcasting out of the Crab Nebulla. Still, perhaps I’m wrong…maybe it would actually add to the proceedings, maybe give it a kind of sketchy basement porn feel to it.

Sometimes I see people use webcam shots on their profile pics or myspace. This to me is really the height of laziness. You mean to tell me THIS is the best photo you have? You couldn’t get someone to take one for you? I think the only thing worse is when you see someone taking a shot of themselves in the bathroom mirror. There's just something so dismal about it.

Curiously though, in a way that whole stark and lonely gestalt kind of ties in to the somewhat elicit nature of internet dating.

Even though internet dating has become ‘mainstream’, there is STILL that slight stigma attached to it. People continue to associate it with men in trench coats, looking for Mr. GoodBar, and sleazy, empty and fumbling sexual encounters.

ichat masturbation, hostage shots, internet dating - it is all connected I tell you.

Grim.

There is one person that does look good in webcam shots though....

my cat.

Date Machine: The BLIND leading the BLIND - from the blind DATE file...

zeitgeisty — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:34:00 GMT

The following is a touching photo-essay of me recounting to my brother the odd transpirings of a 'blind date' I'd been on... Click em' to make em' bigger... just like a penis.

Sex Machine: more WOULDJARATHER.. SEXUAL choices for the PERVERTED!!.. plus the throb

zeitgeisty — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:10:00 GMT

As you may know by now, I like to come up with "interesting" sexual scenarios, and decide which ones I'd rather take part in if I was FORCED to... So I put it to you good people in a tasteful piece I like to call.. WOULDJARATHER!!

Wouldjarather lick mayonnaise from in between Louie Anderson’s rolls of fat...

...or get an enema from Howie Mandel?

Wouldjarather ride reverse cowgirl on the frozen cock of Walt Disney (headless and cryogenically frozen)...

...or get anally raped by Mr. T?

Wouldjarather get a blumpkin by the Mom (Amy Roloff) on ‘Little people Big World’...

...or shave Camille Paglia’s graying pubic hair?

Wouldjarather have Helen Gurley Brown lick honey out of your asshole...

...or have Nancy Reagan slap you in the face with her flapping labia majora?

Wouldjarather swim open mouthed across a raging river of diarrhea...

...or fuck Paris Hilton without a condom while she’s on the rag, and you’ve got a gash on your penis?

Wouldjarather finger- bang your sister...

...or have a jolly rancher wedged sideways up your ass for 6 years?

Wouldjarather slurp ketchup off of Ronald McDonald’s Big Mac...

...or get stuffed with the Burger King’s Whopper?

Wouldjarather pop the zits and eat the pus out of Danny Bonaduce’s roid raged back...

...or have Jose Canseco take a dump on your left thigh?

Wouldjarather have an angry 3-way with Kevin James and James Belushi...

...or make gentle love with Wayne Newton?

Wouldjarather get a handjob from Freddy Kreuger...

...or tongue kiss Pinhead?

maria bartiromo

Walrus Comix

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose * new post up daily

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine - JUNK in 'da TRUNK: the ASS file...plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:55:00 GMT

Ok, so what have I covered thus far here at Date Machine… Hmm.. anal – check, facials – check, jugs – check, squirting – check, porn, commitment-phobia, relationship deal breakers, different kinds of vagina, sex quotients, fuckability VS. Beauty and nipples… check, check, check, check, check, check, check…

Hmmm...Where’s the ass post? I know there was a BANGIN’ ass post, but no actual post solely dedicated to the divine posterior. This is a travesty that must be immediately rectum-fied.

Now.. where to begin? Well, to tell the whole truth, I’ve always considered the tuchus to be second banana as far as MY banana was concerned. As you all may know by this point, I’m a breast man. Still, I do consider a shapely backside to be way up there on the boner scale I always have actually - even though recent history hasn't always been so kind to the ole' mudflaps.

Let's pause and reflect shall we?

Back in the 80s, girls were always shoving their buns into these impossibly tight and high – waisted style jeans like ‘Jordache’, ‘Sassoon’ and ‘Calvin Klein’. I was only a kid, but it never made much sense to me. I mean, at BEST what you came out with was a boyish slender hipped look with an ass like an ironing board, and at worst, well… you looked like 5 pounds of shit stuffed in a 2 pound sack.

The 90s weren’t much better, as women started sporting this ponderous ‘l.l. bean’ look. This style is best described as a lot of thick denim, pleating, acid wash and more high-waisted-ness. The thing is, with all that extra denim, in conjunction with the high-waist, the end result was the ‘GUNT’ - that 'attractive' bulge between your belly button and cunt that comes from far too much trouser material. Moreover, the ass with the addition of all that pleating and fabric looked positively pachyderm-esque.

It wasn’t until the early 2000s that the ass made a comeback. The rise on the jeans plummeted to sinfully delicious depths, and more and more belly flesh and ass crack exposed itself to the world. Now many people deride the ass crack, or jiggly belly, but I say it’s a whole lot better than that ridiculous GUNT nonsense. Let it out, get some air on it, ‘say no to crack’?

Fuck you!... Say 'YES!'.

Nowadays the rise has risen slightly, but the buttocks is still well on display, and displayed well. The world might be falling apart, however I must say that the cuts on slacks have gotten much better over the years.

When I was 15 I had a French teacher that was both astoundingly irritating, and quite actively unattractive, but she had an incredible ass. By ‘incredible’ I mean of course – incredibly BIG. It was floppy and bulgy and sloppy, yet I was unbearably fascinated and surging with raging streams of hormone over it. I must’ve jerked off to that ass 500 times that year. Of course, I think I also jerked off to the desk in my bedroom about 12 times as well – at 15 you pretty much jerk off to any object in your panorama at least once. Still, that does not take away from her glorious derriere. She always wore these tight pants as well - always multi colored. I remember one pair she favored especially well, a bright red number. When she wore those, it was like waving a neon cape in front of a tail crazy bull.

Ahhh... memories...

To conclude, I guess I’m still a man partial to sweater meat. If you've got a grand set of cans, you've hit a home run with me, but if you’ve got some junk in the trunk, then you ain’t doin’ too badly - solid double and triple in the gap. Good stuff, good on you kid - you’re aces with me.

Jessica Biel's ass...

Walrus Comix

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose * new post up daily

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: Fun with DATING CONFESSIONS - SEX BEZERKERS on the LOOSE!!.. plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:32:00 GMT

I love you people over at DATING CONFESSIONS!!!... You kooky, crazy kids you!

"I know this will get better, but all I can see is days and weeks without you to talk to, hold, have great sex with, laugh with, have Sinatra and Oasis night with. My loss, my huge yawning loss. Can it really not be yours too."

WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS: I miss getting dressed up in a tux with you, crooning ‘my way’, then beating the living shit out of each other whilst dissing Blur…

"Contrary to what's been said here, I make it my business to know about the sexual history of the women who could be girlfriend material. Some people don't date fat, skinny, smokers, etc etc. I don't date women who have put out on a first date, had one night stands or have cheated on previous relationships. If I'm told it's none of my business, then I move on because it is MY business to filter out women I don't want to be with. We all have different deal breakers, this one is mine."

WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS: I don’t want no stinkin’, skanky HOE-BAGS!!

"Finish what you're doing, and kiss me on the mouth."

WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS: After you jizz in my mouth, come here so I can give you a snowball.

"you give the worst head i've ever had! and your idea of foreplay is sooo inadequate. your heavy metal attitude is cliche at best. yet every night i wait for you to call and smile the whole time we're talking. tell me again why i like you so much?"

THIS IS WHY:

"I don't want to play games. I just want to dance and write poetry. don't make more of it then it is. You happen to be in the area and you will screw it up by making more out of it then I want. I just go on to find a new dance buddy who I write poems about."

THIS WAS TAKEN from the diary of Lance Bukowski - Charles’ 26 year old douchebaggy and completely talentless nephew…

"Dear 50 year old man, Please stop ogling me. Thanks."

AIRHEADGENIUS will you give the guy a break!!!

"Are men and women ever really just friends??"

DO YOUR RESEARCH –

"I hate you. You're inconsiderate, boorish, petulant, and egotistic. Fuck me."

INTERESTING FACTOID: This was the original closing line to ‘Gone With The Wind’.

"i tell everyone i dont like you and i only want to be friends. truth is i would date you in a heartbeat."

TRANSLATION: I’m a lying scumbag!

"Men: seriously - how much do you care if a woman is a few pound over weight - but yet accomplished, attractive, smart, happy in herself, etc.”

TRANSLATION: I’m a fat CEO looking to get laid.

drew barrymore

Walrus Comix

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose * new post up daily

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: WOULDJARATHER....Sexual choices for the PERVERTED!!

zeitgeisty — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:45:00 GMT

For fun, I like to come up with "interesting" sexual scenarios, and decide which ones I'd rather take part in if I was FORCED to... so today I put them to YOU in a little piece I like to call.... WOULDJARATHER !!

Wouldjarather eat out Anne B. Davis’ asshole....

...or titty fuck Bea Arthur?

Wouldjarather lick the sweat off of Dick Cheney’s ball sack...

...or get a handjob from Hitler?

Wouldjarather take part in a 69 with Mayim Bialik...

...or two 34 and a halves with Erin Moran.

Wouldjarather get a sloppy blowjob from Clara Peller...

...or suck redi whip out of Estelle Getty’s snatch?

Wouldjarather lick crumbs of limburger cheese out of Robin Williams’ back hair...

...or suck on a halls mentholyptus that was stuck up Will Ferrell’s ass for 2 weeks?

Wouldjarather be anally probed by alien...

...or perform an anal probe on E.T.?

Wouldjarather make tender love to Barbara Bush...

...or have an angry badger lick peanut butter out of your asshole?

Wouldjarather have a threesome with Bert and Ernie...

...or have angry, violent and drug fueled sex with Elmo?

Wouldjarather jerk off in front of Flipper....

...or Benji?

Sex Machine: DIDJAEVER?? a probing SEX survey... taking your sexual temperature RECTALLY

zeitgeisty — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:19:00 GMT

Anyone who answers yes to more than 10 of these questions wins a free T-shirt.

Didjaever get pissed off that an ugly fuck hotlisted or winked at you?

Didjaever accidentally shoot cum on a nearby animal whilst jerkin’ off or fuckin’?

Didjaever bang a 10? How about 5 2s?

Didjaever fart while blowin’ a load?

Didjaever smear shit on the bed, ‘cause you didn’t wipe your ass good enough and get caught by your partner?

Didjaever go down on someone and notice an open sore?

Didjaever wake up next to someone you didn’t recognize?

Didjaever wake up in a state you’d never been to?

Didjaever fuck someone in the ass and have them shit all over you?

Didjaever discover that your date had a 1 inch prick?

Didjaever gag on a cock and puke?

Didjaever get a cunt hair stuck in the back of your throat for over a week?

Didjaever make love to an Armenian?

Didjaever go on a blind date with someone really attractive, but had the shits all night?Didjaever stick a cuke in your crack?

Didjaever lose a condom up your snatch?

Didjaever fart loudly in front of a blind date?

Didjaever accidentally make an online date with someone you’d already been out with before 2 years ealier?

Didjaever have anal sex in a bathroom stall?

Didjaever fuck a mother and her daughter?

Didjaever fuck someone and KNOW that that was the best sex you’d ever have?

Sex machine: Are all women GAY?... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Looking back on all the women I've had relationships with, I’d have to say the majority of them have had at least some carpet munching experience.

At first I figured it was just a ‘type’ I attracted, or maybe even perhaps that I was attracted to, but now I’m starting to think that maybe all women have at one time or another either tried or thought about some same-sex dalliance. I read somewhere once that we’re all supposed to be at least a little bit gay, but I don’t buy that really. Of course I do dress very nattily and I enjoy watching the antiques road show, but I don’t think that truly qualifies. Still, if the “everyone’s gay” theory did hold true, I think it’s just by far easier for women to express it.

First off, society deems woman on woman action as titillating, and in college, it’s positively de rigeur for politically correct granola heads to eschew the meat headed varsity types and go for the Greenpeace snatch. Of course the irony is that the majority of those chicks usually end up with a totally conventional dude, thoroughly contradicting any of that hipster slit slurping.

Secondly, women are just more touchy feely than men are. I mean, they’re always touching their girlfriends, stroking and brushing, cradling their hand, kissing a cheek, holding back their vomit infused hair when they’re puking up their jello shooters… I could totally see how all that caressing could lead to some serious muff dive-age. A stroke here, a stroke there, all of a sudden Rhoda Bernstein’s got her lips wrapped around Bernice’s engorged clitoris, going at it like a rat on a gum drop.

Getting back to the women I’ve known, when it comes to their sexual proclivity, there’ve been a few dyed in the wool bi-sexuals in there, and a whole bunch of ‘experimenters’. In fact, there’ve only really been a couple that have had no inclination or experience whatsoever.

I asked my current girlfriend if she’d ever had any gay experience…

‘yeah kind of’

‘How so? You like snatch?’

‘no, just did that lame ass shit like kissing some random whore at a bar when drunk’

‘why?’

‘i dunno, who hasn’t? curiousity. I enjoy kissing, was drunk and was college age’

So I wonder again… Are all women somewhat gay? And if so, what are the implications here? Shouldn’t this universal Sapphic inclination be taken into account when thinking about the conventional ideal of the ‘man/woman’ relationship? Are men really even necessary in the equation??

marlene dietrich - lesbian icon

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: She was an ex NAZI, but she had spectacular JUGS..plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:37:00 GMT

The following is a recounting of an interesting date I went on a while ago - pre girlfriend.

From her photo she seemed very attractive, a bit like Natalie Portman, with a winsome smile gracing her delicate face. Definitely cute. Still, you never really know with these photos, I mean usually there's some sort of trickery in place. Either it's a photo from 1952, before the lobotomy, or all the photo gods were smiling down on the particular day the photo was taken, all the planets were aligned just so. You know the deal.

Anyway, I had a preliminary conversation the day before, and I must admit, it wasn't that promising. There were some definite warning bells a ringin'. In the first place, she was obviously quite troubled, rambling on a bit about some personal problems (the details of which I found more than a tad on the inappropriate side to discuss with a total stranger) and she also sounded pretty drunk. Still, I hate the phone, I hate talking on the phone, so I figured I'd meet up with her and see for myself what the score was.

So, we rendezvous at a café the following night, and the first thing I notice was, she had definitely gained a good 25 pounds since that photo of hers was taken. Additionally, her eyebrows were plucked to death. They looked like 2 little squiggles above her eyes, which were heavy lidded I might add. She had obviously knocked back a few before meeting up with me. I will say this, I didn't mind the weight at all, as I like women who've got a bit of meat on their bones, and she had a colossal rack. Overall, I would say in the right light she'd be definitely maybe almost semi-fuckable, especially if I were to get a couple of drinks in me, which I proceeded to do right quick!

Anyway.. We talk a bit, and it seemed to be going pretty well, although I can't ever really tell on these things, I'm always so detached. To tell the truth, I'm not really giving a rat's ass about the whole night other than a vague interest in fondling her tits... So..

After awhile, we move on to another bar (at her suggestion), she wanted to play pinball and knew of a place that had a good machine. I order her a vodka tonic, and I take another Dewar’s on the rocks. I'm starting to feel a bit better with some alcohol in me, and we get chummier.

After playing a bit, we go sit down, and talk some more. I ask her about where she went to school, and she says Athens, GA..

I say, 'Mmm. That's a pretty progressive southern town... REM and all that'...

She replies somewhat mysteriously, 'Well, not so much as far as the people I hung out with back then'.

I say, 'Oh yeah, that statement seems a bit ominous…'

She replies, 'Well they were pretty hard core'.

'How so?', I ask, 'Like, they listened to a lot of black flag and stuff?'

She says, 'Well no.. more so politically I guess'

I respond half jokingly, 'What? You hung out with a bunch of white supremacists or something?'..

She goes, 'well yeah.. but I’m reformed.. and I didn't share all their views'...

After dragging it out of her, I find out she hung with the neo-nazi crowd for 4 years. I guess she dated one of the leaders of the 'cause'. According to her, all her life she'd been seen as 'pretty' and 'delicate' and no one ever took her seriously, so she just wanted to hang out with the most 'bad-ass' people she could find, so people would respect her. I thought, 'jesus. She couldn't find some nice drug dealer, or hell's angel? She had to go straight to the neo-nazi contingent of 'badass'..? Well at least she didn't share ALL their views, just the hating blacks and Jews part..

By this point my head was swimming a bit. I wasn’t sure if it was the Dewar’s or her story, but I wasn’t feeling all too well. She continued talking about how she campaigned for Bush twice, was a pro-lifer and believed in the bible verbatim.

That’s when I realized how disgusting a human being I am. If she hadn’t have had those scrumptious jugs, I would have been gone like the wind in 60 seconds… no discussion.

Anyway, around this time, she drunkenly slumps in my direction, and all of a sudden she’s sticking her tongue down my throat. I’m not sure how to react, I actually never do that sort of thing, meaning, I don't think I've ever made out with anyone on the first date - let alone a nazi. Ok ‘reformed’ nazi.

I have to admit for a second it felt pretty good!

Of course, almost instantaneously I got the image of that tongue of hers exploring every hole and crevasse on the body of that scabby, inbred, sociopathic, redneck and I sobered up immediately.

I suggested we call it a night.

I walked her home, and interestingly enough, she lived in the exact same building as this awful ex girlfriend of mine, which seemed fitting. She was a nazi and the ex was the anti-christ - a pleasant pairing. Apparently that building was the portal to hell.

When I got home I felt ashamed of myself. I realized, for the briefest of instances, I might have been willing to sacrifice all my principles, everything I stood for, over a pair of bodacious ta tas. I'm truly a horrible human being. A disgusting amoral louse.. A pig.. I mean this girl was a mess… Totally off her rocker, an obvious raging alcoholic, clearly an anti-semite/racist and I really think she might have a serious problem with reality. Jesus…

She never called me back...

adele stephens

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: My new years RESOLUTIONS...

zeitgeisty — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 22:57:00 GMT

I've never been a big fan of the whole 'new years' tabula rasa gestalt. Personally, I like to make my resolutions during the summer when it is warmer. Still, here it is - New Years Day, and I'm in need of a subject for today's posting, so I'll go with it.

Resolution #1 - I will make more of an effort to relate to other people.

Sometimes - ok often - people don't understand my personality. Even here on this blog, many people have taken offense to what I thought was humorous and tongue in cheek. Perhaps the onus here is on me. Maybe I should take other people's world views more into account before I spew off. I should relate to their feelings, and develop a deeper sense of empathy.

Resolution #2 - I will not take the people in my life whom I love for granted.

This is something I try not to do, but I must say sometimes I fail particularly with the girlfriend. I tend to joke around a lot, and come off as if I don't take anything too seriously. I'm sure it's a personality trait that has not served me in good staid as far as my relationships have been concerned. Sometimes in life you've got to quit the joking around and give the people you love the emotional comfort they seek. This is particularly hard for me as I was brought up in a household which belittled such expressions of emotion, but I will do my best.

Resolution #3 - I will try not to write callously about those that are and have been part of my life

After reading the back and forth exchanges going on with Amboabe's post on his coffee date, I must say although I personally did not find fault with what he wrote, I CAN see the other side. Personally, I've tried to not go into specifics about people I've known when writing here, but every once in a while I do - mostly concerning my girlfriend - and perhaps it's something I should rethink. Perhaps at the very least, I should make sure I don't write about these experiences in a flippant way.

Resolution #4 - Learn to live in the moment.

My problem is I experience most everything 'second hand'. What I mean is, I can never fully feel things as they are happening, only once they've been experienced and developed into a memory can I re-live the experience 2nd hand. I'm tired of living my entire life as if I'm going through a bunch of old photographs.

Resolution #5 - Stop watching so much TV...

I've definitely got to make more of an effort to read, leave the house, write, draw, whatever.. anything else besides vegetating in front of the television. It's pathetic to think about the hours I've devoted to it. Probably 1/4 of my entire life... The thing is, it's all for naught. It's not like it enriches me in anyway. In fact, I'll probably get cancer from it.

So there are my resolutions. Hopefully I can follow through, but it's like anything else - a process. I hate the process, I'm more of a product man myself. I wishi I could just wake up tomorrow a changed person.

hmmm... Wonder what's on the tube tonite.

Date Machine: Dancin'...does it get you hot?

zeitgeisty — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:37:00 GMT

I can do the Cosby dance... I'm an expert at it, but I never learned the fox trot. I used to hang with these total guidos in highschool that were all amazing hoofers, still, although I appreciated their agility I stuck to my guns and perfected 'the cosby'.

me doin' the cosby dance

date/SEX machine: Telling the TRUTH in relationships....plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:59:00 GMT

Everything in life, all we hold dear to our hearts, the totality of mankind, EVERYTHING is based on lies. Flat out lies. Not mamby pamby bending of truths, and ‘bobbing and weaving’, but completely unadulterated lies.

Religion, true love, relationships, the pie in the sky, the American dream, family… it’s all based on one eternal river of manure that’s been flowing since the beginning of time.

Do we ever tell the absolute truth about anything? Fuck no! This is how most relationships work, people need to delude themselves and lie to their partners to keep it going at all costs. The problems start to arise when people STOP lying. Take a look at who you’re with right now.. Does she think you’re ‘the one’? Do you think she’s ‘the one’? If you asked her who the best lover she’s ever had was, do you think it’d be you? Is she more attracted to you than anyone she’s ever been with? Are you attracted to her? What does she REALLY think about you? Do you want to know?

Do we want to know the absolute truth?

Don’t get me wrong, I want to know the FACTS i.e. health (mental and physical), proclivities (sexual and otherwise), etc.. Do I want to know the TRUTH? Well, I’m a bit of a masochist, so I have been caught up in that thorn bush before. In fact, I would probably say it’s my Achilles heel. Still, I’m fucked up, I’m no example! If you want to live the life of the mind and be miserable then go with truth.. if you want to be happy – LIE.

I believe if we REALLY knew what other people thought about us, we’d be so traumatized we couldn’t function. I’d venture to say, even our family members probably harbor some very troubling thoughts about us. I mean, look at Uncle Charlie over there…he’s all shifty eyed – who knows what he’s thinking!

In relationships, we’re usually all the 3rd choice of who we’re with.. at best 2nd choice. I mean it stands to reason doesn’t it? When are we ever on an equal footing? So all this being said, what’s so wrong about telling people what they want to hear? I mean, even if it comes to naught, and the relationship peters out, at least we come away from it not completely demoralized, decimated and broken.

Now, let me just add to this mix the fact that I think people are way too oblivious about life in general. One should always be ‘on point’ in order to not get blindsided by whatever might come down that pike. I’ve learned long ago that keeping one’s guard up is not a negative thing as many people say it is. In fact - it’s essential! I’m prepared for anything. I’ve had some horribly devastating ‘truths’ hurled at my head with diamond like precision, and I’ve weathered it all, because I never let my guard down.

Some might say that living a life of lies, constantly on guard for an assault of truth is no way to live at all… I agree. Still, this is the fabric that clothes us all. There’s no escaping the ultimate truth that life is ‘nasty, brutish and short’. This is across the board. Humans are dangerous creatures, we treat each other horribly, we treat other animals horribly, and we treat our own selves horribly - not only horribly, but with a distinct cruelty.

So, when I hear all this righteous indignation about ‘the truth’ , I’m always really taken back by the naiveté. No one you’re in a relationship with wants to hear the truth. They want to be in the arms of someone that is warm, and comforting.. someone that is only thinking of them. They don’t want to hear about your uncertainties, doubts, or misgivings… They want to be LIED TO!

EVERYTHING IS BASED ON LIES... flat out LIES.

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: How much SEX is enough?? - How many times a week are you BANGING?...plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:08:00 GMT

When it comes to sex, I find taking part in it once or twice a week is more than sufficient - especially if I’m in a long term relationship.

I’ve always been the same way, even in my teens and twenties, I’m like a camel - I can subsist on less. Perhaps it’s a result of all those long stretches of desert I had to endure in my adolescence and early adulthood. I’m just not a sex monster. I think this is why I look young for my age. You can tell all those guys that have had a lot of sex in their lives, their skin gets all leathery as if It’s been soaked in the brine of a million cunts. Of course, all that being said, I’m no grandma Moses. I mean, if I’m overcome with an overwhelming urge to merge, I’m certainly not going to deny myself the pleasures of the flesh. Still, if I were going to judge by some of the talk bandied about on sites such as this, it would seem that my libido is comparatively anemic next to the hormone raging sex-a-holics running around out there.

Unfortunately my needs are sometimes at odds with my girlfriend’s. I’m sure she’d probably want a good shtupping every day of the week. How I know this? Well first off she’s younger than me, less beaten down by life, and finally she’s always telling me she wants to be shtupped! As Mick jagger once opined about black girls, on the track ‘some girls’ – I just don’t have that much JAAAAaaaMMMmm. Seriously though, I would truly love to accommodate her, and increase her quality of life with my magic shlong on a daily basis, but between work, gym, writing, etc… often I just don’t have the energy.

Still, there’s also this other more ambiguous contingent.

Sometimes I actually feel like having some sex, but for some indefinable reason, I just feel frozen. I don’t know if its leftover shyness from some cretaceous period way back in my early days, or perhaps laziness in some way, whatever the reason, the deed doesn’t get done. Now, personally I think a couple times a week in a steady relationship feels right for me. In most past relationships, after around 4-5 months with someone, I would get so bored that the sex would shrivel up and die completely. Subsequent ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ conversations would ensue, and that would be the end of that.

My current relationship still continues to hum along nicely in the sex department – at least as far as I’m concerned.

The major question for all of you is – ‘How much is enough?’

What are your sex requirements in general, and specifically when you find yourself in a relationship. Once a week? 7 times a day?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Cleopatra - new 3d rendering believed to be the closest to what she actualy looked like.

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: Imagined caricatures of selected Date Machine readers...

zeitgeisty — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:15:00 GMT

For this Friday's Blooger Doodle, I thought I'd take a break from drawing us and draw some selected readers... Now of course I don't know what you actually LOOK like - save one of you - but I didn't let that stop me... You probably all look absolutely nothing like these, and are ravishingly gorgeous..so don't get all cry-baby!

Dvaleriey

Loobetchka

LydiahSarah

RecycledBrooklyn

Toluca

Sex Machine: French postcards - PORN for GEEKS!!... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:16:00 GMT

For those of you that haven't caught on yet, I was a bit of a geek in High School. Strike that – ringing affirmative I was a complete and total geek. Not a nerd mind you - as nerds actually did well in math and shit like that - no I was a geek.

My teenage years were very similar to the first half of the Karate Kid, except, with no karate, Elizabeth Shue or Mr. Miyagi . Ahh, Screw that bad analogy.. I guess I was kind of like a less cool Anthony Michael Hall from 16 candles, the untucked dress shirt, the untied reebok hi-tops, you know – King of the dipshits. Women to me were these unreachable, unknowable objects that kind of floated around way out there into the furthest far flung corners of my galaxy. They were like black holes – If you'll pardon the pun.

Anyway, as my socialization skills were pretty retarded, and since the crowd I hung out with was completely devoid of anything remotely female, you may ask, what was a poor adolescent geek raging with hormones to do as far as any kind of 'release' was concerned?

Well, I played on my Apple IIe a lot. I traded a ton of floppy disks with my fellow loser friends. Watched a lot of Woody Woodpecker after school, followed by the Brady Bunch, then Carol Burnett, then MASH.. ah… well you get the point.. Once in a while they'd have Planet of the Apes week for the ABC 4:30 movie, that would make me happy. Aside from that, there really wasn't a whole hell of a lot of 'release'.

Recently I was having a discussion about my teenage years with a colleague at work (another former geek). We reminisced about the BASIC days pre-internet. Back then information was shared through passing floppy disks back and forth through an extremely intricate and complex geek network. Most of this 'information' came in the form of games. How it worked, was one alpha geek would buy a game (or steal it) from a store like 'electronics boutique', then he would hack into it, break through the security, copy it and pass it around. He would then place his handle triumphantly at the beginning of the game and gain notoriety throughout the geek universe. These cracked games would make their way clear across the country.

Quick aside, to just give you a bit of a briefing on the floppy disk thing (for some of you younger readers, and non-geeks), before the cd-rom, there was the 3 inch disk, and before that there was the 5 ¼ floppy disk.

The other day, I got to thinking about this one 'game' called French Postcards which got passed around a lot. To tell the truth, it wasn't actually a 'game' per se, it was basically these pornographic lo–res cartoons very simply animated by superimposing one image on top of another, and flipping back and forth. They had a bunch of different ones, one involving a girl with a salami, a farmer's daughter, a lascivious long tongued Frenchman in a beret, etc... The thing is, I realize now that the purpose of this game must've been onanistic.

It's funny to think about that now, because at the time we just thought it was HILARIOUS!! I can still remember a bunch of us losers crowded around the monochrome monitor watching this stuff and just howling with laughter. The images were just so completely ridiculous, and empirically humorous. In no way, shape or form could they possibly be 'usable' in a sexual regard. Still, looking back on it I'm sure that was the intent. This gets me wondering, just who was using these images auto-erotically? God, I shudder to think.

During the summer of my 15th year, I went on a crash diet. I ate one bowl of cereal a day, and 10 speeded all over the county 'til my legs became like 2 bars of iron! By the time I went back to school in the fall, I was 60 pounds lighter and 7 inches taller. Soon I'd be driving, and my obsession with the Apple IIe would dissolve in to the coffee cup of my past like so much granulated sugar.

before

after

Eventually, my parents would get a VCR… …and with that, my entry into the world of REAL porn would begin.. in earnest…but that's a whole 'nother story… altogether.

Chorus: "THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY!"

Anyway, whenever I look back on those days, the phrase 'youth is wasted on the young' clangs in my head like Chuck Barris' gong, filling me with this horrible, insistent and relentless nausea. God, was I a moron. If only I hadn't been so terminally clueless about so many things. All these empty and meaningless ways I came up with in order to pass time 'til I got older. What a waste, but what are you gonna do? I suppose watching Planet of the Apes a lot, and laughing over cartoon porn is kind of quaint in a way, if not utterly pathetic.

Makes you wonder about kids today though, and what they're up to. All that myspacing and facebooking.. Fuck, these kids aren't just thinking about sex, or talking about it, they're HAVING it!... and not only are they having sex, but they're probably having sophisticated, bonafide GREAT sex! I mean, they have the internet.. It's all out there!!! the mind boggles!! Jesus…What did I have?

French Postcards…

Samantha Morton - reprise!

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: Rate THEIR pick-up lines - some letters I've received through the ONLINE PERSONALS...plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

As there's been a lot of discussion over at Amboabe's and Fishnet's stations lately about the way men and women approach each other predatorily and otherwise and all these shaky perceptions we all seem to have as far as 'rates of success' in dating/sex/love are concerned. I figured it might be interesting to share with you some letters I'VE received from women, when I was still using the NERVE personals. Unfortunately for this blog entry, I actually deleted most of my mailbox, but it does give a general sense that there's really not too much of a difference gender-wise in the way we reach out to each other....

“DON’T BLOCK ME FUCKTARDS”

they are freaks. maybe the sarcasm in "you're not funny" didn't register (that was the headline of the first message i sent to you)
i wish the politeness police were around when some ugly perv here was sending me links to his homemade porn site featuring his pasty white ass. how thoughtful.

what i said was that we have similar ideas about what constitutes a proper first date. and i also asked if you are looking for just a friend.

(I think this one was commenting on the fact that NERVE initially blocked her letter)

“HEY YOU!”

just thought i'd send you an email and tell you that you are indeed very handsome. but, i am sure you get that all the time. do you also get the whole "you're so awesome, why are YOU single?" ? i certainly do and it drives me up a fucking wall. i have no major flaws, save for the fact that i talk during movies sometimes (but not in the theatre; just at home in front of TV).

anyhow, what is your story?

“Hello”

you seem nice, cute, funny...
but what really got me was the picture of you with the elvis costello album cover. thats hot!
let's chat?

“YES!”

ha! what a great profile you have...
so much more interesting and real than
the others who write on this site.

..although, some might think mine is a tad boring as i don't like to make my naughty side too evident.

write me if you wanna hang sometime as friends~

At last I’ve found you

but where does this bedtime paradise lie exactly> lie exactly? In duvet cover? egyptian sheets? tastefully covered shams? Th perfectly downy summer-weight blanket? Irresistibly fluffy bolster-size pillows?

I'd also like o know where you've procured your collection of saddle shoes. Sadly, in a rare act of rebellion, my mother disposed of all the pairs she had to wear through twelve years of catholic school, and I sincerely feel this is a severe phantom-limb irony to my otherwise hip and eclectic sartorial closet. You don't happen to know of someplace that manufactures them in middle-range ladies sides.

And if you're not bored of me yet, would you mind explainig why you've selected Redford as you releb-resemblence, when you so clearly take after Pacino on the Golden age pre-sceenery-chewing years? Or do all the girls tell you that?

----------------

As you see, these are all decent introductions I suppose, but hardly mind blowing stuff. In fact, I must say in each of these cases I gave a polite response but ultimately never followed up. The interesting part of all this, is how I keep hearing from so many women that the letters they receive are so uninspiring! Well ladies, in the end we're all the same really... just as uninspiring or awesome, bland or zesty... you just happen to like things in prettier colors than we do.

Patti Boyd.... the inspiration for Eric Clapton's song 'Layla'

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: The three MAIN categories of WOMEN.. plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:45:00 GMT

In my experience, I find most people are easily categorized.

Perhaps that makes me a judgmental bastard, but I can live with it. As far as I see it, men fall into a few more basic categories than women do, these include;

The Lunkheads- which comprises every type of sports, gun, car, or fitness fanatic.

The Bottom Dollars - those obsessed with money and all things material...the ones that got the IPhone the first day it came out.

The Faux Empathists - these include all those whiny sensitive poet types, vegans, and those with an intense love for Kate Bush... also anyone who ever voted for Nader

The Dudes - these include the pabst blue ribbon crowd, the ones that wear their caps SIDEWAYS... anyone that uses the word dude - extra points for those that call women 'dude'

The Geeks - those that haven't been properly socialized, that live on the edge of society, comix lovers, vinyl enthusiasts and extra points for the ones with asperger's syndrome..

With women, I feel there are really only three main categories...

D'ems dat choose, d'ems dat be chosen, and d'ose atypical types, all irregular around da borders...

Let's take the first main category - D'ems dat CHOOSE.

These are the 'sex and the city' types, the alpha women. They blissfully steamroll through life getting what they want due to their superior looks and charisma. These women pick and choose men with supreme ease, never really getting too serious with anyone. They definitely hold all the cards in their relationships, and have a way of constantly keeping their prey off guard, never making them feel too secure, in fact always giving them the sense that dump-age is imminent. These women are power-houses, in fact the normal rules don't apply to them. They can go well into their 50s playing the same game. The only thing able to stop them in their tracks is their 'mr. big', usually some douchebag who's either very rich, very good looking or both. Eventually every Alpha woman will meet their match, and when they do, that's the end of the road. Usually it all ends up in a bar, divorce court, on Youtube, or the Real Housewives of Orange County.

The next category - D'ems dat be chosen...

This is the most common category. These women include the ones not quite good looking or charismatic enough to hold all the cards. Insecurity reigns supreme here, as there are many in this waiting room that suffer through all sorts of mental disorders ranging from body dysmorphia to borderline personality disorder. These women rarely have the wherewithal to wind up with anyone they truly want, rather relying on chance - or the kindness of strangers... Some of these women can be very good looking, so for men seeking bargains, this is a good bin to rustle around in if you're looking for something pretty to throw around the house - until you get sick of it that is. In the end, these women usually wind up with a nice, boring, stable guy if they're lucky, and genital warts and a 3 week stint at bellevue if they're not...

The third and rarest category of all, are the atypical irregulars. These are the women that somehow miraculously escape all social conventions, and are actually unique individuals that defy categorization. In other words, these are the albino elephants, the unicorns... SASQUATCH. Intelligent and attractive women that have no desire to play games, that are interested in topics which range beyond 'occupation', 'station' and 'verbal masturbation'... Unfortunately one can go an entire lifetime without ever encountering one of them, as they are truly elusive creatures. These are the types you've heard tales about... Those that you spend an entire weekend with, all rain tat-a-tat-tating on the rooftop as you listen to the white album, sharing a bottle of wine... Personally, I think it's all a myth like the tooth fairy, but every once in a while a message gets sent back from a friend of a friend of a friend, confirming the existence of these wondrous beasts...

My advice is jump into the second pool, where most of us reside and pick a good one!... A bargain is better than a myth as far as I'm concerned...

kate winslett

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: Blogger Doodles!....."A simple conversation"

zeitgeisty — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Yeah.. you know what time it is!!! BLOGGA-DOODLE-DOO!!!!!

...and always remember to click on em and make em' grow... just like a penis.

Sex Machine: My obligatory posting on CYBER-SEX... plus throbbage..

zeitgeisty — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:09:00 GMT

Cyber-sex… I’m a fan.

Let me get that right out into the open. I have no shame in admitting this to the world. After all, I like to write, and I enjoy a good wank, so it’s like two great tastes that taste great together. Cyber is the fucking Reeses peanut butter cup of sex!! Of course, sometimes you’re just not in the mood to get all verbose typing away to your fair cyber-maiden on the myriad of ways you can manipulate her clitoris to orgasm, but usually I find it highly enjoyable. I mean think of it, for me it’s pretty much a perfect past time.. I get to write, no bodily fluids are exchanged, and usually my orgasm is pretty explosive. Seriously ladies, when I’ve written something like..‘OOOHhhhHHHh.. CUMMMING!!! …I came like a firehose baby… thanks so much’, I’m totally being sincere! I’ve actually just come like a firehose.. You have my word. I wouldn’t lie!

Still, it’s no fun if the girl on the other end isn’t diddling along with you.

Some guys don’t care either way, they just wanna get off with some dirty talk – not me. I feel guilty if my partner isn’t satisfied, even if it’s cyber-satisfaction we’re talking about. A lot of women complain that it’s too hard to masturbate and IM at the same time. I say if I can do it YOU can do it. Often times they whine about not being able to juggle the appropriate dildoes and type with the other hand, or that they don’t have a laptop, etc… I can sympathize with circumstance, and in these cases maybe cyber-sex is not the proper course of action… Perhaps smoke signals?? That’s what the Indians used to do in the old days!

Then again, sometimes a woman would rather do the whole ‘phone sex’ deal.

I’m still on the fence as far as that’s concerned. I’ve mentioned before, that I absolutely HATE talking on the phone, so right off the bat I’m not in my comfort zone. In fact, I think out of all human interactions, phone-sex is probably the one I’m clumsiest at. I never really know what to say, I hem and haw, I sort of hate the sound of my voice, it just feels AWKWARD… That’s not to say I haven’t done it. I think I really enjoyed it like ONE time in my life – I liked the sound of her voice…

Sometimes, if a woman is really colossal she’ll send you pictures! I love when that happens, it’s a true delight. You know what? It’s hard to believe, but I’ve never gotten a picture I didn’t like!.. I’m the Will Rogers of dirty photos. To me it really adds to the proceedings, having the photo open while I’m cybering around with a good lady-chick to me is a grand experience. One should not belittle it as mere ‘jerking off’.. No, here are two people involved together, mutually masturbating, it’s a true interaction – it’s teamwork for godsakes – IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY!!. Hell, I’ve had cyber-sessions that were better than actual sex, fuck I’ll admit it freely to anyone who’ll listen! Still, even I have my limits…

I’ll never do web-cam.

First off, I don’t even have a web-cam, and if I did, I wouldn’t even know how to use it – and I work on a website!!! It just seems…well.. like it would be twice as awkward as phone sex with the added insecurity about how you look! What if the entire time you’re jerking off you’ve got a booger in your nose, or worse yet in your moustache? What if the face you make during orgasm makes you look like you’re taking a shit? What if the lighting’s bad?? I’m NOT ready for my close-up mr. Demille!!!!

Sorry.. I like the gestalt of straight cyber-sex.

It’s almost literary, a tad austere, clean… I never feel dirty after cyber-sex, or nauseous. I have great affection for those kind ladies that partake in the act with me. In fact, over the years I’ve had a few very close cyber-relationships with some very lovely gals. A couple of times, I’ve even considered the idea of cyber-marriage, or at least cyber-moving in together, but with that comes the fear that the cyber-sex would become monotonous and stale, so I cyber-dump them before I get too cyber-committed…

I guess what I’m trying to convey here is that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this absolutely lovely activity. No one gets hurt, writing skills are improved, and hopefully orgasms are achieved. Plus, there’s none of that pesky cuddling or doing the walk of shame home at 3 in the morning. You just get to nod off to sleep to pleasant dreams, slightly stickier, but no worse for wear.

In the immortal words of Louis B Mayer, inventor of the symbol for infinity..

‘some day the human race will learn to eschew the flesh and delve into the mind with a penetrative eroticism heretofore unexperienced, and yay and yon, it shall be called CYBER and it shall be good!’..

Of course Louis isn’t altogether ‘right in the head’, he’s the bag boy at the Food Emporium up the street from my apartment, and I seriously doubt HE’S the one that came up with the infinity symbol, no matter what he says..

gloria grahame...

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: The IMPORTANCE of finding TRUE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:54:00 GMT

Back in olden times, before people were free to properly express their innermost desires to each other, if one were to get stuck in a pewter-dull relationship devoid of any electricity there’d be little recourse – one merely soldiered on.

Nowadays however, in the ‘information age’, everyone knows what they want, and more specifically ‘who they are’ as far as their sexual proclivities and identity are concerned. All day long we’re bombarded by sex, just like the Fantastic Four when they got caught in that radioactive cosmic shower. We’ve all been mutated into our own unique SEXUAL superhero personae, complete with individual penchants, quirks, and fetishes.

The real trick is to find someone compatible.

It used to be that one would never understand the true sexual nature of their partner until well into the relationship – if ever! If you were lucky, it would turn out ok, but in a lot of cases not so much. People would get married thinking that they’d found ‘the one’, when in point of fact the sexual divide between them - which had lay invisible due to the rigid mores of the age - was completely un-crossable. So tragically, these seemingly perfect marriages from the outside, would devolve and turn to sludge on the inside, leaving a trail of tears along the way – not to mention the added consequence of filling up countless generations of their offspring’s heads with wrong-headed lessons about love and sexuality.

This is why I feel it’s a total necessity that these things be discussed between two prospective partners from the onset. In otherwords - AS SOON AS POSSIBLE PEOPLE!!! I’m serious. This should be first date discussion. Get it right out in the open and proclaim your likes, dis-likes, perversions, idiosyncrasies, divulge you secret SEXUAL superhero identity! If you don’t, and you wind up with someone down the line who’s incompatible, well – that’s just an uphill climb.

In the end all of this is far more important than the meaningless cookie-cut drivel most people indulge in during a first date. Seriously, I don't care what 'you do' or about some horrible band you saw last week at South Paw in Brooklyn....

Do you like anal? Facials? Masturbating in front of each other? Titty fucking? Being slapped in the face with my shlong? ... I'm talking simple basics here!!!

Now I know that some of you might feel that this is not appropriate first date discussion, that there should be a certain amount of mystery involved, that things should be revealed in a process. I think that’s old-fashioned bullshit. In fact, if possible, I think this stuff should be talked about even BEFORE you meet for the first date! Today, many of us approach each other through the internet - which has it’s own set of cons attached to it - however, one of the biggest upsides to this auspice, is that we can learn about each other before we even hook up. The time saving aspect is priceless as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of people that misinterpret this frank type of dialogue as ‘coarse’ or ‘sleazy’.

Well, all I can say is don’t cry four months down the road when you’re stuck with someone that can’t ring your bell.

Some might say that compatibility can be ‘achieved’, that if two people truly love each other, all that’s necessary is the willingness to ‘accommodate’ .

‘accommodate’ – ugh… To me there’s no bigger buzz-kill than having some chick martyr herself on the altar of my sexual perversions.

True compatibility means these sexual impulses are SHARED, that accommodation is not necessary. You see, no matter how willing someone is to do the things necessary to make you happy in the sack, unless they don’t truly get off on the same things you do, the long-term health of the relationship is at risk.

One must be open about what they like or else revel in the inevitability of the corporal drone - the dulling, grinding down and ultimate decimation of ones sexual identity. Tell your partners what you like, take initiative in the sack, make the effort and don’t hold back for fear of being rebuffed as it may turn out that what makes you tick is the same clockwork that lies inside your partner.

These days we have choice, we’re not subject to the moral tyrannies we once were, and we shouldn’t slip back into erroneous thinking for the sake of ‘mystery’. If you want a good mystery, watch ‘the Maltese Falcon’….

…if you want a good fuck, lay your cards on the table – as soon as possible!

Barbara Stanwyck!!!

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file