date machine : nerve confessions

Obligatory posting on cyber-sex

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

Will you just take my penis in your hand already?

Snark and ass

5 things I'm thankful for

licking ass and taking names

Snarky and assinine responses

The Origins of my cold, black heart

relationship dealbreakers

The different kinds of vaginas

bloggerdoodles

Snarky dating confessions responses

I wanna bang your friend

Show me your jugs

translations

Is there an expiration date on passion?

translations

bloggerdoodles

crazy pants

used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

the gardener and the rose

blogger doodles 3

We fart therefore we are

TRANSLATIONS

Blogger doodles 2

My most cringeworthy moments with women

Are you a sociopath part 2

Are you a sociopath part 1

The sex and the city movie was lame

The worst sex of my life

commitment phobia is a myth

Translations...

TYPES

Do.. do women really suck in bed?

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

50 sexual expereiences I've never had

Dating COnfessions translations

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Confessions, Personals, Comments - please don't make me cringe

airheadgenius — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 02:33:00 GMT

You know that reaction - when your nose kinda curls up and you squint a bit?
A serious cringe might give rise to an involuntary shrugging of one shoulder or even an audible "ewww".

For example, as a reaction to the bright spark that commented on Ambo's blog "Whoa as me"

Or the many, many times I've read "wa la" (yep, that's voilà folks)

Maybe even the Nerve confessor apparently looking for a physiatrist. And even though physiatrist perhaps shouldn't be a word, apparently it is, but it's not usually used in conjunction with "because I am a really disturbed person" is it? (It appears I don't have a significant problem with run on sentence usage)

All those little literary quibbles pale in comparison to this particular cringe inducing phenomenon though:

The thing that makes me cringe on Nerve more than anything is when I get a suggestive email from a man I have no interest in whatsoever.
If it's innocuous and uninteresting, then it makes no difference to my day at all. Just another "hello" from the ether.

But when it has sexual connotations and it's someone I wouldn't get naked with for a bet, it knots my shoulders up to no end.
Like todays "Let me spank you" from some chump who "prefers not to say" his height and weight and, if that wasn't enough, he's adorned himself with a beanie hat that would make your average pedophile run screaming for the hills.

I guess it takes all sorts though right? Anyone looking for a chubby dwarf with a distinct look of a serial killer about them, I know just the man...

Here are some I made earlier:
Too hot to internet date?
Bed
Where do these losers come from?
How many sexual partners have you had?
The time I dated Zeitgeisty
F*ck off yer ol git

Another daily un-knob in honour of cringe factor

Nerve Confession: The time I dated Zeitgeisty

airheadgenius — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 13:12:00 GMT

It's time to confess.

It pains me slightly to admit it, but I've been on Nerve.com for over two years now. It's had its up and downs. Many dates, an almost long term relationship, a short term relationship, a FWB but no true love.

It almost happened with Zeitgeisty though!

Maybe a year ago, I was checking my "who's viewing you" page and there was Z. Not only had he viewed me, he had added me to his hotlist! (He may try to deny this given our frenemy status, but I assure you it's true)

His lead photo was cute enough to investigate further, even though he did have a little too much of the Arthur Daley about him (a used car salesman for the uninitiated, with a penchant for sheepskin) so I decided to check him out.

Zeit's profile was funny. As much as his latest offerings on the blog have confirmed that he is in fact a no good lazy piece of crappola, there is no denying that he has moments of wit. And one or two were present on his page.

Yeah, that might work thought I. And so I waited for the introductory email.

But none came.

Then I realised that the mofo had removed me from his hotlist. He must've met that barely legal chick with the bit tits.

And the rest is history.

Ok, so this is better labelled "The time I almost dated Zeitgeisty". Sue me.

Here are some I made earlier:
F*ck off yer ol git
It's not funny being single
The V Word
The taste of kitty
You people smell
Click Addict

Auntie Flo is visiting. This is about the cutest thing I've seen all day:

Date Machine: Shaved or Hairy? A confession

airheadgenius — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 22:09:00 GMT

I was parading around in my new underwear yesterday - my poor family - and my sister said "ewww, your armpits are really hairy!". Now before your mind flashes back to Nena and 99 Luftballons, my version was a mere 1/4" of blonde fuzz. And I think it's cute - like a little fuzzy bee is cute.

But even if I'd been a non-blonde and sporting some jet black action, so what?

I know lots of chicks shave every day, but I just don't see the point. And even if it takes one minute, I still can't be bothered. I had my legs waxed once back when I was 18 - never again. Apparently you get used to the pain, which begs the question "why the fuck would I want to???" As for having your bikini line waxed - having ones labia pulled followed by an orgasm is a pleasing prospect, but having some random chick in a white coat wrench at your tender parts??? Fuck that noise. Plus, it's more fun doing it in the shower with a waterproof shaver - those mofo's vibrate.

My body hair ablutions are sporadic and seasonal (except for the bikini bits that have a practical reason to be doctored as a courtesy to the cunning linguist) and in the winter I can easily go a month without meeting a razor. Sorry 'bout that.

No one has ever complained. Some have actually found it endearing and/or sexy. Now maybe I date weirdos, or maybe men are just not as bothered about body hair as women think they are.

And now for my big fat revelation. I like back hair. HA!
Actually, I am going to qualify that in a minute. It's a ploy to keep you reading.

And this confessor agrees with me:

The sexiest bit of body hair on a man in my not-humble opinion is the trail that goes from navel to pubes. Love love love it.
I love chest hair too - a tiny trail snaking up from the navel and spreading out over the middle of that manly chest. Mmmm-mmm.

(Although I must confess that I am not so into super hairy or chest hair that grows up high and peeks through at collar level. Feel free to doctor that)

Bare chests are good too though. I can go for the boy look. But here's my deal breaker. If you, dear reader, have designs on getting me into bed and you have misguidedly shaved your pubic hair, please soak your bits in Rogaine for an hour or so and get back to me in a month. I am not messing with bald menitals. (hahaha - that's men's genitals. I kill me)

Now on to my back hair fetish… I know of a couple men that have a small patch of hair at the base of their spines where their tail might've been. Triangular-ish and super soft. And that's just the cutest thing out!

It's like having a man pet.

(I just did a google image search for hairy armpits and I have totally changed my position on chicks and armpit hair. I've just seen some less than appealing growth. New slogan: if you can braid it, shave it )

An oldie, but a goody. Just watched the film Oliver and this mean looking character was in it. Oliver Reed, back in the day.

Here are some I made earlier:
Get more dick
Wishing
Longest confession of all time
How kissable are you?
Happy Boxing Day
Merry Miserable Fabulous F*cking Christmas
Persistent, interested or just plain annoying?
Do blondes have more fun?

Nerve Confessions: L-o-n-g-e-s-t confession of all time

airheadgenius — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:10:00 GMT

In case you missed it, here is the longest confession ever from the Nerve Confessions page:

"i dont understand what i see, or maybe now its to the point where i dont see anything at all but the fact that i am in denial will not allow me to stop aknowledging you. maybe i like the chase, maybe i like knowing that i will never ever know how you feel, and in that insanity and create sane love stories of us being together. maybe its because i had a taste, because my lips had the chance of salivating and coming in contact with yours. and your lips were so big they over powered mine. maybe i like felling suffocated in ur big man arms. i felt like i was in a straight jacket when we cuddle. for those moments i was crazy for you. scratch that, i am only crazy about you when i am not in your presence. when we're together it feels perfectly normal. im completely comfortable. i sit here everyday and question what you dont see in me, because i see everything. i see how i cant make you laugh, like really laugh. i see how i stratch your head in all the right spots. i see how when we cuddle and our bodies are entwined , you fall right into place with mine, you head fit right on my chest, my legs tucked neatly by your stomach, and everything feels good. i tell our sad hopeless chance of nothingness love story to random people, just because i think that maybe the next time i tell it i will find an answer. its not even like you are unpredictable, because you are completely predictable. i can pin point when you're going to ignore my i.m, when you're going to get upset, when you're going to pretend like you dont care, but the truth of the matter is you care more than we all know. you have developed this character for yourself, this male being that feels the need to sit on a pedestal, one that is held up by the women that go weak in the knees for you. you live to never be captured.to never be seized, couped, entangled in a teenage love affair. you are the john tucker of the bronx, corny to say, but true to the tee. but like i said you are the main actor in your own play. you direct the scene, you choose the cast and you potentially decided the ending. i want to be the leading lady, the one who pulls down the stage curtains. the one that wipes away the makeup, who ripps the script and alters the ending. i want to bring your alter ego to a demise.i think that i just want to capture you, to change you. i know, i know, i am not a super hero, nor a witch, and have no supernatural powers. I JUST WANT YOU TO FUCKING SEE WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON, DAMMIT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. i have tried it all and you have tried nothing, yet you take the lead. i bake the cake but you eat it in all its glory. i hate this, i hate how vunerable i feel. i hate how weak i make myself look, how im willing to do anything for you to notice how great i am. i am getting tired so i will end my thoughts here for the night, just know this is not over."

Now there have definitely been some criticisms about the writing ability of the bloggers on Date Machine, so you might think that I don't have a leg to stand on when voicing criticism, but I can't imagine being moved by something so badly written. Can you?

It occurs to me that I am deciding on dateablility depending on the quality of the emails I receive. The emails that appeal to me are witty and entertaining and they are the ones that I take to the date stage. But what if someone just doesn't have good writing skills? With my formula, they are toast.

I am not too concerned about sentence structure and "correct" use of language, if that isn't abundantly clear already, and can manage to overlook your and you're if I really try, but what I can't abide is those "interview" type emails with formulaic questions and no personality. If that's all a person can come up with given the luxury of time and re-writes, it doesn't bode well for a spontaneous conversation.

BUT

One of my best friends in London is fantastic company - witty, engaging, hilariously funny. Yet her emails are pedestrian.
If she'd written to me via the Internet we would never have made it to the great friends stage. And that would have been terrible.

How else to decide? How can one tell if there's a witty conversationalist trapped in the body of an ordinary emailer? Maybe the dull emailer just doesn't have good typing skills and his thoughts flow faster than he can commit them to paper? Screen I mean.

I've exchanged several emails with one man and there seems to be no flow developing. His profile is interesting, his photos are appealing, but his command of the written word at least, leaves me cold. To pursue or not to pursue, that is the question.

See, I could give the not-very-engaging writers the benefit of the doubt, but risk a dull date. Or I could continue with my strategy and risk passing on the man of my dreams simply because he's a 2 finger typist.

The main issue is, and to quote Aaron Neville, "My time is too expensive"
If I went out every night, I could blast through a ton of suitors - witty writers and otherwise - and find the one I want. Like getting a new job.
But at $12/hr, it's not such a viable plan.

I was wondering why I've gone out on dates with so many writers. "Duh!!!"
I guess I have to give this more thought...

Here are some I made earlier:
How kissable are you?
Happy Boxing Day
Merry Miserable Fabulous F*cking Christmas
Persistent, interested or just plain annoying?
Do blondes have more fun?
A nod to amboabe
The road less travelled

Nerve Confessions: Do blondes have more fun?

airheadgenius — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 20:38:00 GMT

So this chick is clearly a bitter brunette, given that she has a judgement on blondes. Us blondes are boring and bland and we don't like sex apparently. (It's welcome news to me that short is perfect though) Maybe the brunette in question has a face like a slapped arse, is as dull as ditchwater and has an attitude problem.

This blonde seems to have missed the point a bit, which is disappointing. (She's calling you a fucktard sweetie) But I am with her on "why would anyone want to fuck a fucktard?"

I was born a redhead and remained so until about age 3 when my hair went blonde. It was naturally blonde all the way through childhood, teens and twenties when I decided to go platinum. Then it was pink, red, orange, blue briefly, dark auburn and then back to blonde. I've been everything except brunette and jet black.

And I've had a lot of fun.

But why is there such negativity directed at us blondes? It's annoying. I know the anthropological reason for preferring light hair given that it indicates youth, but is that really enough of a reason?

Instead of h8ing on us, you anti-blonde chicks should just develop a personality. Maybe you'd get laid more often. Failing that, you could always just get your tits out. Anything rather than making your lack of success our fault.

I leave you with a politically incorrect joke - makes a change for it to be about a man though.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building," The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!"
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

Everyone's favorite James B(l)ond(e) He's been my daily knob before I think. Ah well, I can always blame my memory on my hair color.

Here are some I made earlier:
A nod to amboabe
The road less travelled
Stupid computers Stupid internet
Sexy Ass
How do you feel about penetration
I suck at internet dating

Date Machine: How do you like to be dumped?

airheadgenius — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:19:00 GMT

There are many varied and nuanced ways to be dumped:
There's the classic "it's not you, it's me" or the much more amusing for the orator "it's not me, it's you".

Then of course there are the let you down gently ones:
"you're nice, but..."
"it's a bad time right now"
"I'm not ready to settle down"

And then there's the brutal truth ones:
"I can't stand you!"
"I hate the way you breathe"
"you are soooooo bad in bed"

Or the time old cruel, but fair
"you make me feel bad about myself"
"you remind me of my father/mother"
"you are too much/not enough like my old boy/girlfriend"

Many many people claim to prefer honesty, but do they really though?
And how much reality do these people actually want?

For example, there's a world of difference between "I don't think we're sexually compatible" and "I've been screwing this other guy at the same time as you. He's got a bigger dick plus he goes down on me better".

or "I don't think we have the same goals" versus "you only make $25K sucker"

frinstance.

Apparently this Nerve confessor didn't really like the way his "see ya" went down:

So tell me, beautiful date machine people, how do you like to be dumped? and/or what's the worst way that you've been dumped or dumped someone?

C'mon peeps, no one likes to work on a Monday afternoon...

p.s the psycho fuck that wrote the quote at the top should be avoided by everyone at all costs. That's a serial killing spree just waiting to happen.

Paul Sculfor

Here are some I made earlier:
Not much to do with dating
Duh!
Do you date aliens"
Man's Best Friend
How do you like your foreskin?
Why do men love breasts?
Who pays?
What if?
Have you ever been experienced?
Surprise! I'm Pregnant!
Dogs and Dating
Erectile Dysfunction
Daddy's Girl
I need a Frenchman
What I want
The Fart Edition
Fisting and small snatches
How bloggers date
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour

Nerve Confessions: Sometimes the Truth Hurts

spjv840 — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:22:00 GMT

"As I barrel towards 30, I see so many friends panicking and settling. Fuck that! I would rather die alone than waste two people's lives."

Exactly. Why settle? I don't understand this fear of being alone past a certain age (people eager to procreate not included). Why settle for being in a mediocre relationship that doesn't completely fulfil you, when you could keep on living and have a good time and maybe happen to meet someone who is exactly what you're looking for. Screw settling. Settling is for douchebags or people who can't face being alone.

"I probably fucked up one of the best relationships I have ever been in. Stupid stupid me!"

At least you realized it now and hopefully you won't fuck things up again next time! Easier said than done, I know.

"I might've accidentally given you lip herpes (cold sores)when we made out the other day. And I went down on you for like five minutes--I pray I didn't give you herpes for real from that."

Uhhhh, If you're a man, I hope you're man enough to tell this person that you might have given them herpes. If you're a woman, hopefully you have the balls to fess up. Either way, stupid move.

"im a slut."

Aren't we all? Is that such a bad thing? Unless you're the bad, skanky kind of slut, but if you're the "I'm a woman and I like to fuck" slut, party on. What you should worry about is the improper use of grammar. Just saying.

"I have a hard time interpreting whether your behavior is typical of a guy... or typical of a douchebag."

Try this: Make a list of behavior traits of a guy and one of douchebag behavior traits. Should narrow it down pretty quickly.

Recent posts: Date Machine: Hooking up Via Facebook
Nerve Confessions: Celebrity Threesomes
Nerve Confessions: The Mad Edition
Sex Machine: Your First time (A Reader Survey)
Love Machine: I'm Not the Marrying Kind..Or Am I
Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A Bitch Edition
Sex Machine: Oral Sex Do's and Don'ts

Nerve Confessions: Duh!

airheadgenius — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 03:06:00 GMT

I had a quick peruse through the last few Nerve Confessions and in a not very supportive of my fellow wo/man mood, all I can say is DUH!

To save you the trouble of reading through a bunch of them...

not an immediate duh admittedly, other than the paranoia, but then you get to read this one:

Err, yep. Sucks to me that chick in a few months time.

This one is more of a "you poor poor fool" accompanied by a shaking head.

This one is painful:

But not as bad as this one:

"you continued to let me give you blowjobs" has got to be one of the biggest DUHs of all time. And yes, honey, clearly they were for free.

Man, I hope these peeps are less than 25 years old.

And this one is for those unconvinced on my circumcision argument - the DUH is directed at each and every one of you that thinks circumcision is a good idea - stop cutting off those darling foreskins and you will never ever need lube again:

Finally, this DUH goes out to all those daft bints with bald snatches. You look stoopid! At least this chick finally got a clue:

Hoorah for hairy hoohahs! Put it on a t-shirt people!

I just watched Samantha Who? and Barry Watson looked all kinds of cute in it, but I've just googled him and got this dorky looking picture. So, he was briefly my daily knob, but it's all over now. Sorry Baz.

Here are some I made earlier:
Do you date aliens
Man's Best Friend
How do you like your foreskin?
Why do men love breasts?
Who pays?
What if?
Have you ever been experienced?
Surprise! I'm Pregnant!
Dogs and Dating
Erectile Dysfunction
Daddy's Girl
I need a Frenchman
What I want
The Fart Edition
Fisting and small snatches
How bloggers date
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour

Nerve Confessions: Celebrity Threesomes

spjv840 — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:32:00 GMT

The Nerve Confession of the Day is: "I want to be in a three way with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert."

Who would you choose, readers?

If I had to choose two celebrities to have a threesome with, those would probably be my choices as well. But since this anonymous confessor already chose them, I'll go with my next two choices:

Vincent Gallo and Christina Ricci.

OR

Christina Ricci and Winona Ryder/Keira Knightley (when she wasn't so skinny)

Johnny Depp and Vin Diesel (snicker)

Oh the things I would do to that man.

Ok, last one...Jason Statham AND Vin Diesel.

Sometimes a gal just wants a big hunk of a man. Or two.

Who are two celebs you'd gladly fold yourself into crazy positions for?

Recent posts: Nerve Confessions: The Man Edition
Sex Machine: Your First Time (A Reader Survey)
Love Machine: I'm Not the Marrying Kind..Or Am I?
Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A Bitch Edition
Nerve Confessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Nerve Confessions: The Man Edition

spjv840 — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:30:00 GMT

"is the human penis so strange?"

This was clearly submitted by a man. Yes, it is strange. It's the strangest body part ever, with exception of the armpit, which is a topic for a whole different day. The penis is able to cause endless pleasure, as well as pain, emotional trauma (have you ever seen the face of a man who can't get it up?) and not to mention, life changes. Sometimes they are happy and upbeat and sometimes it just wants to be left alone - but it's never really too sure about the last one. The owner of the penis could be tired and passed out, meanwhile the penis is wide awake and ready to party. So yes, it is strange. But we still love it.

"Wearing tighty whities makes you look like you are wearing diapers! It's terrible and I hate seeing it. Start wearing boxers, or get better fitting briefs."

I have a rule. Two rules, actually. No man I date should wear tight whities, or briefs in general. They are unattractive and just gross all around. The most beautiful man in the world (IE: Johnny Depp) could prance around in tighty whities and I would not find it appealing in the least. The second rule is no socks on during sex if the rest of your body is naked. Men should take note. Neither of these two things are sexy. Boxer briefs, on the other hand, are always a surefire way to get into a woman's pants. Especially if you know how to look sexy in them.

"I am so sick of seeing those American Apparel briefs every time I get a guy's pants off."

Ew, yeah. I'd probably walk out of the room if I found out the man was wearing anything American Apparel.

"What's the deal with dry hand jobs? So many women I date do that. A little bit of lubricant would go such a long way, and that just seems basic."

"A hand job delivered with skill requires no lubricant."

I have to agree with the person who said that a handjob done with skill requires no lubricant, although a little lube is always a bit more fun. Honestly, though, I don't think it has anything to do with skill when it comes down to it, but it depends on the penis in question. A dick with foreskin usually enjoys an unlubed handjob while foreskin-less willy's like a little lube action. A little saliva can go a long way, as well - skin or no skin.

"I'm sick of hipsters. You're just as conformist. Just conforming to something else. If you're over 35 and still a hardcore Burner picking up on 20-somethings, without real success in your "art" and no other real job, you need a life. Grow up. Nothing is more pathetic than a holier than thou aging SF hipster."

Yes! Ha ha! Just had to throw that one in there. Couldn't agree more. It's also time to retire the horrid "skinny jeans" trend.

"Is it just me or are crotchless panties just so not sexy"

I don't know why I included this in the Man edition of nerve confessions, but I wanted to reply. Crotchless panties are not sexy. They remind me of something Anna Nicole would wear while eating Cheet-os and drinking a Bud while watching WWF Raw on TNT. Not sexy.

Recent posts: Sex Machine: Your First Time - A Reader Survey
Love Machine: I'm Not The Marrying Kind..Or Am I?
Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A Bitch Edition
Nerve Confessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Date Machine: More Dating Confessions Translations....and obligatory throbbage

zeitgeisty — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:00:00 GMT

More Dating Confessions TRANSLATIONS...

"couldn't imagine buttfucking 's so nice. thanks for teaching me with patience and care. i love you!"

Translation: Again my friends I refer you to my 2 rules… Maybe someday you assholes will appreciate my genius…

"Ok, I admit it. Even though you're ten years younger than me, I've had a crush on you for ages. And you like my friends but not me! I've offered a no-strings hookup, and even that you pooh-pooh. Dude, wtf is wrong with you? I am by far the hottest girl you will ever get, seeing as you're a balding, gaining weight computer programmer, but more than that--I like, appreciate and respect you in spite of everything."

TRANSLATION: Ok… I’m confused here. You’re the hottest girl he’s ever gonna get because this guy’s a ‘balding, overweight, computer programmer’, however, you respect him so much that you’ll even just fuck him no-strings attached. First off, what’s wrong with being a computer programmer anyway? That’s kind of a cool job.. Second, maybe he’s not into old broads that have disdain for balding fat guys who call people ‘dude’… Instead of getting ‘poo-pooed’ by him, why don’t you take your old-bag ass over to Wo Hop and order this you insensitive numnuts…

"Please, please, please let me get what I want."

TRANSLATION: Silly rabbit… don’t you know that … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vdwbBHmtMc ?

"I've made a lot of fun, in these confessions, of a guy who didn't call me back after we both had a great couple of dates. Sure, I was disappointed but I'll get over it. Thinking about it though, I feel bad for him. I think he's never going to be satisfied with girls he meets. He's going to keep passing on other really amazing women who could make him so happy if he'd give them a chance. But I'm afraid there are boatloads more like him out there. Sigh."

TRANSLATION: Typical fat girl rationalizations…

"I am a woman & I love anal sex."

TRANSLATION: Ahem… again, let me refer you all… to my genius…

"When a guy pines over you for years, gets you, and then decides he doesn't want you anymore, was it ever about you in the first place, or were you just pointless fodder for his fragile ego?"

TRANSLATION: yes.

"I'm 27 and no man, other than my father and brother, have told me that they love me. I know it's silly but that fact makes me very, very sad."

TRANSLATION: I love you.. Now quit your pathetic whining.

"So, I am finally emotionally over you. I am finally able to move on with my life, and finally able to start meeting and hanging out with new men... The shittiest thing is, though, that you are now my benchmark, and there is no one who compares. I can't even meet someone who is the least bit interesting, with whom I want to spend more than 10 minutes, before finding myself bored and annoyed...not to mention, find someone who has all the awesome parts of you I'd like to have kept. Awesome men in Cleveland, do you exist? I fear that you do not."

TRANSLATION: what about Harvey!!!!!

"I thought the whole "throwing shit off the desk, spilling an entire cup of water, and breaking some things just so you could hoist me up on it and fuck the daylights out of me while still wearing knee socks" thing was just going to stay within our dirty talk or fantasies. Oh SWEET JESUS I'm glad it didn't."

TRANSLATION: Ok.. hold up.. REWIND… Do you mean to tell me that he spilled an ENTIRE cup of water??? Get the fuck out of here!!.. an ENTIRE CUP OF WATER???!!!

"Do you...Is this...Are we...? I'm starting to get attached and I'm afraid to ask the question."

TRANSLATION: Fuck it, I’ll ask… Do you have genital warts???

"You know what? It's fine that you've stopped taking me out to nice places, that you're sometimes mean, that I feel like I can't fully relate to what you say and do a lot of the time. It'll all serve to kill this relationship - or so I hope. Because I do not love you, but I can't seem to break away. And I think I need to, before we accidentally get married or something - I need to feel like there is another escape. One that will actually make me happy, and you, in the long term, even if it breaks your heart now."

TRANSLATION: Jeez… I wonder if this is this my girlfriend...

Is there an expiration date on passion?

translations

bloggerdoodles

crazy pants

used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

the gardener and the rose

blogger doodles 3

We fart therefore we are

TRANSLATIONS

Blogger doodles 2

My most cringeworthy moments with women

Are you a sociopath part 2

Are you a sociopath part 1

The sex and the city movie was lame

The worst sex of my life

commitment phobia is a myth

Translations...

TYPES

Do.. do women really suck in bed?

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

50 sexual expereiences I've never had

Dating COnfessions translations

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

The obligatory back catalogue:
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour
Rate my Profile
My kink is better than your kink
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A B*tch Edition

spjv840 — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Some of the confessions lately are seriously angry confessions, full of bile and hurt. I like it!

"You chose her over me. And now that I've heard it's all crashing down, I can't help but smile to myself...Karma's a bitch, ain't it? :-)"

Sure, it's great to be happy when you hear that the person who broke your heart is now on the otherside of the fence, but what does that say about you? That you and I would probably get along GREAT. No, but really. Is revenge karma really that great??? Ok....damnit, yes it is!

"Are you really choosing the girly girl over me? Crash and burn."

Guys always pick the girly girl until they realize how boring and superficial they are - not to mention the mediocre sex. Don't worry, soon he'll realize the mistake he made and try to get you back, but you'll have moved on by then (I hope).

"I only hope that someone manipulates you as much as you did me. You were right, you never were good enough for me."

Being manipulated is cruel. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even the guy who manipulated me for months and I wasn't even aware of it. It's better to let it go and let karma to its thing.

"I hope you're miserable when you realize you've traded happiness for convenience."

They usually are.

"I realized who you were when you let me leave, crying hysterically, to walk 20 blocks alone in Harlem at 1 am."

I'm really hoping it was a woman who wrote this on the "new breed of man" that walks the streets at 1am in fear with his dick between his legs.
I had a similar experience a few years ago and couldn't believe how unconsiderate some guys could be. Of course, now we know the hard way, but hopefully you realized enough about him to ditch the idiot. Not worth it.

Related posts:Sex Machine: Oral Sex Do's and Don'ts
Nerve COnfessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?
Nerve Confessions: I Know You Have A Girlfriend But You Feel So Good In Me
Sex Machine: Oh Yeah, That I Did
Sex Machine: I've Never Done...That
Sex Machine: Why Guys SOmetimes Tend To Suck In Bed

Nerve Confessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?

spjv840 — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:07:00 GMT

Maybe this first confession wasn't about someone contacting an ex and trying to be friends, but for some reason that's how I read it and understood it. (correct me if I'm wrong)

"I didn't contact you to stir up trouble. I wanted to try to be the friends you always said we were."

I was only ever able to be friends with one ex. I wouldn't trade that friendship for anything. I could never be friends with DreamBoy because it just got too messy at the end and he ended up saying things that he shouldn't have said (I often wonder if ever regrets that - do we ever, though?). The ironic part about that one is that before we dated, and many years ago, we were best friends and I had refused to date him because I didn't want to "ruin the friendship". Funny how shit works out sometimes.

"I think maybe I shouldn't be friends with you. I thought if I just acted like normal friends the depression from what you did would go away with time. But it hasn't. Maybe we shouldn't be friends."

"I really need to talk to a friend right now and the only person I trust with a secret (all of my other friends and I are so close, nothing is ever kept for long) is my "ex". But, I'm afraid he'll take my need for a "friend" as something more."

I never understood why women (and some men) always seem to insist on trying to be friends with exes. Unless you had some kind of great friendship within the relationship, friendship after breaking up seems not only pointless, but not possible. I know a few couples who have been together for a while and you can tell that while they do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing great, they also have a great friendship base. I've also seen a lot of couples that you damn well know if they weren't banging each other, they'd probably hate each other.

Related posts: Nerve Confessions: Analyzing "I Love You"
Nerve Confessions: I Know You Have A Girlfriend But You Feel So Good In Me
Nerve Confessions: Letting Go and The Top 5 Movie Break Ups
Sex Machine: Oh Yeah, That I Did
Sex Machine: I've Never Done That
Sex Machine; Why Guys Sometimes Tend To SUck In Bed
Sex Machine: Please Slap My Ass
Nerve Confessions: I Fell In Love In A Week
Nerve Confessions: Datin' Daddy
Sex Machine: Are You A Frankfurter or A Mr. Pencil?
Nerve Confessions: Tattoos & Piercings - Plus The Top 5 Hottest Tattooed Men and Women
Nerve Confessions: Shut Up And F*ck Me
Celebrity Confession: Eva Mendes Had Sex in All 50 States
Nerve Confessions: Single and 30
Sex Machine: Toss My Salad
Nerve COnfessions: Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Personals Drama: I'm Not Cupid
Date Machine: You're Not My Type
Sex Machine: The Butt Sex Bandit
Sex Machine: Hot Sex Vs Bad Sex

Nerve Confessions: Analyzing "I Love You" and Other Recent Confessions

spjv840 — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:56:00 GMT

DM has been pretty dead lately, so I decided to take a look at some recent confessions that you nerve daters have submitted. There's quite a few good confessions out there lately.

"When I called you just to tell you that I love you, it would have been nice if you had said you loved me too."

This first confession really made me feel for you. I've been on both sides of the 'I love you' non-return and it's a sticky game. If you're the one saying, "I love you" and you don't get a reply, to me, it's like being hit by a trainwreck and dragged for miles. But even worse than the no reply, is the automatic "I love you" in return. You know what I mean, you've been saying it so long to someone that they say it without thinking, because it's a habit, not because they're actually aware of what they're saying. I've been in that position and all it does it is make you feel worse about yourself.

Or there's the "Me too" reply - does that even count? If you can't be bothered to add another word to the sentence, don't bother saying anything at all. Lazy love is not any better than no love.

Of course, I'm not the biggest fan of those three words. I don't toss them around like I see some people do. I was once with a man for six months and never said I love you. If I take nothing else slow, that's one thing I do take slow. Those three words are some of the few that can invole fear in me. I was cautious saying it to my current boyfriend. He said it first. Thankfully, we're both not like those people who have to say it every day twice a day in order to know that we love each other. In a way, I almost think the more you say, the less it means.

"My boyfriend only fucks me once a month, if I'm lucky."

Do you love him? Does he make you happy? If you answered no to any of those quetions, seek new romance prospects ASAP.

"My ex's first hookup was with an "older gentleman".Should I be happier that it was him instead of some dude our own age from a bar.I think I am but, not being the first to score really bothers me because, I like sex way more.It's so much easier for you ladies."

This could almost be about me, but that's not likely. My first hook up after my first big break up was with an "older gentleman". Not 50+ older, but at least a good ten years older than I was. Personally, I don't see why it would make a difference to you if your ex hooked up with an older dude after breaking up with you. I think this is more about the shrinking of your penis and not being able to get laid even though your ex is out there having a good time. Check your ego at the door.

"i watch really nasty porn. it gets me off but i would never want to try any of that stuff myself."

This one kind of cracks me up for reasons unknown. I think it might be because of the number of people who can relate. 16 people (and counting) can relate to watching really nasty ass porn, while only one cannot. I don't know what "nasty porn" constitutes today. I'm assuming it's something that involves poop being smeared over tits while a fist is lodged into places and a woman in the background fits three massive black cocks into her mouth. I wouldn't know. I watch lesbian porn to get off and here I thought that was crazy enough.

Related posts: Nerve Confessions: I Know You Have A Girlfriend But You Feel SO Good In Me
Nerve Confessions: Letting Go and The Top 5 Movie Break Ups
Sex Machine: Oh Yeah, That I Did
Sex Machine: I've Never Done That
Sex Machine; Why Guys Sometimes Tend To SUck In Bed
Sex Machine: Please Slap My Ass
Nerve Confessions: I Fell In Love In A Week
Nerve Confessions: Datin' Daddy
Sex Machine: Are You A Frankfurter or A Mr. Pencil?
Nerve Confessions: Tattoos & Piercings - Plus The Top 5 Hottest Tattooed Men and Women
Nerve Confessions: Shut Up And F*ck Me
Celebrity Confession: Eva Mendes Had Sex in All 50 States
Nerve Confessions: Single and 30
Sex Machine: Toss My Salad
Nerve COnfessions: Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Personals Drama: I'm Not Cupid
Date Machine: You're Not My Type
Sex Machine: The Butt Sex Bandit
Sex Machine: Hot Sex Vs Bad Sex

Nerve Confessions: I Know You Have A Girlfriend But You Feel So Good In Me

spjv840 — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 11:49:00 GMT

"I know, I know, you have a boyfriend and it was wrong for me to kiss you, but in that moment, there was nothing more that I wanted than your kiss. And I know you wanted it too."

Summer 2007 was an interesting one for me. I had discovered a new person inside me (usually every other night) and I enjoyed myself. I didn't question anything - if it felt right, I did it, no matter what the consequences might be. I was still using the excuse of getting over a bad break up with Dream Boy, so it was a green light on whatever, and more correctly, whoever I wanted.

One night some friends and I went to see my best friend's boyfriend's band play in a city that I don't go to often. before the show we checked out the local bar scene and had a few brews at a local pub. Taking my usual vodka and cranberry to get warmed up and become social, I settled into my seat and enjoyed the sights of this fun, new city filled with sexy French boys. About twenty minutes before we were about to leave a friend of a friend showed up. This friend of a friend caught my eye quickly. Full lips, big eyes, square shoulders, crazy curly hair. He sat himself down right next to me and started asking me questions. It was a wild Franglais flirt back-and-forth. After a few vodkas, of course, things were getting loud around us and I thought I had heard someone ask this sexy new boy, we'll call him Michau, where his girlfriend was. But, by then I just figured I had heard this question wrong.

Fast forward a couple hours and we're at the bar where the band is playing. Sitting through a bunch of half-assed bands who think they'll strike it big one day, we ordered a couple pitchers and waited for our friends to take the stage. Michau showed up and carefully placed himself directly across from me, so I had no choice but to notice his constant stares. To make a long story short - after a couple games of air hockey, flirting, lots more beer and a great performance from our friends on stage and way too much drunken dancing - Michau and I were making out inthe corner of the club like two teenagers at a school dance. Oh, and he confessed that he had a girlfriend somewhere throughout the night between wet kisses.

The new me didn't give a shit. He was hot, treated me like I was the hottest thing around and I liked the way his hips moved against mine as we shimmeyed our way around.

I had asked him a couple times what would happen if his girlfriend came in and saw this and he reassured me that she wouldn't.

After a while, most of the group wanted to head back home but I, along with two others (Michau included) were feeling good and wanted to explore the city's bars a bit more. So armed with two sexy single men, I headed out for more fun.

Around two o'clock, back at Michau's, the other guy passed out on the sofa, Michau sweetly made up the bed Where I would be sleeping ("We can't sleep in the same bed", he told me) and the sofa in the bedroom where he was going to sleep. Of course, a minute after he lay down on the sofa, he was in the bed with me. Despite being drunk, I knew I couldn't sleep with him. I was in the bed where he, no doubt, slept with his girlfriend of five years and if she were to walk in.....

But then his lips were all over me and his dick was in my hands and his fingers were in me and it was a blur of "You have a girlfriend.." and "We shouldn't do this..." and he told me I was a good girl for saying all this but oh I want you - and so, we didn't have sex, but we both did come and I fell asleep in the bed and he fell asleep on the sofa and in the morning, despite my fears, there was no awkwardness. When the other guy and I were ready to leave after a greasy breakfast and a few Tylenols to relieve us of our hangovers, Michau kissed me gently on the cheek and told me, "It was nice meeting you" and we said goodbye.

I can't help but wonder if his girlfriend ever smelled me on her boyfriend's pillows or if he washed the sheets right after I left. I also wonder if she does the things I did to him that night.

There was an other occurance of sleeping with a man in a relationship, engaged actaully - but the situation was different and besides, he was an old high school crush I had found on Facebook. But that's a story for another day.

So, I ask you Nerve readers - have you ever slept with a married man (so to speak)? How did it end and did anyone shake their finger at you afterwards?

Related posts: Nerve Confessions: Letting Go and The Top 5 Movie Break Ups
Sex Machine: Oh Yeah, That I Did
Sex Machine: I've Never Done That
Sex Machine; Why Guys Sometimes Tend To SUck In Bed
Sex Machine: Please Slap My Ass
Nerve Confessions: I Fell In Love In A Week
Nerve Confessions: Datin' Daddy
Sex Machine: Are You A Frankfurter or A Mr. Pencil?
Nerve Confessions: Tattoos & Piercings - Plus The Top 5 Hottest Tattooed Men and Women
Nerve Confessions: Shut Up And F*ck Me
Celebrity Confession: Eva Mendes Had Sex in All 50 States
Nerve Confessions: Single and 30
Sex Machine: Toss My Salad
Nerve COnfessions: Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Personals Drama: I'm Not Cupid
Date Machine: You're Not My Type
Sex Machine: The Butt Sex Bandit
Sex Machine: Hot Sex Vs Bad Sex

Date Machine: How Date Machine Bloggers Date

airheadgenius — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 01:34:00 GMT

Funny Ikea Ad The Perfect Mom - Watch more free videos

This morning, I dropped the kids at school and made my way over to Ikea. Or the Mothership as I like to call it.
It's such a useful store, that I had in my mind that it must surely open at 8am for people with an urgent need for more white towels (me) or shoddy furniture (anyone >30)
In reality, turns out it opens at 10am.

BUT, all was not lost as the restaurant was open. And this is where the magic started.
A reasonably tasty breakfast of scrambled eggs, home fries and bacon plus a really decent cup of coffee was procured for $1.07
How ridiculous is that?

I ate my breakfast surrounded - and I am not exaggerating when I say surrounded - by Red Hook hipsters, Red Hook teamsters and sundry construction workers.
Now there's been a few people lamenting about the cost of dating of late, both on Date Machine and Nerve Confessions, so it struck me that breakfast at Ikea was a perfect first date solution. Ludicrously cheap food, views of the river and Manhattan, clean bathrooms. What more could one wish for?

Then it occurred to me that said daters could sneak off into the cordoned off store to extend their date in private.
And that's how I came up with today's feature:

How the Date Machine Bloggers Date at Ikea.

Amboabe would take his date to the nearest leather sofa. Wait, make that a chaise longue. He would remove his yellow shoes (or was it yellow socks? I forget), lace his fingers and rest them gently on his chest and proceed to dissect his dating life. His date would be a slim brunette in black rimmed glasses, her hair thrown up in a pony tail. She would be wearing a black blouse with a bow at the neck, a pencil skirt and red high heels. Good girl with naughty potential in other words. She would take notes.

Spjv840 would bring 6 young men on her date and, at $1.07 a pop, she would treat them all to breakfast. Once satiated, she would lead them into the still closed store, grabbing one of Ikea's handy paper rulers and diminutive pencils as she did so. She would take them to the office section where she would invite them to line up along the edge of a draftsman's table - crotch height. They would then be instructed to drop their pants and drawers and wallop their manhood onto the shiny white surface. Using the tiny pencil, she'd draw a line where each knob ended, then she'd make a note of it for prosperity in her moleskin "Knob Size" notebook. The lucky owner of the biggest penis would be tied to the nearest sturdy workstation and ridden mercilessly. (I have visions of spjv with one arm held high, rodeo style, a big ol grin on her face)

Zeitgeisty would take his date to the nearest bathroom installation. His date would lie in the tub whilst Z sat on the toilet with his trousers around his ankles. (Dear reader, please imagine running water and an adequate soil pipe. Work with me here a little). Z would sit with this elbows resting on his knees and his chin in his cupped hands, contemplating the ebbs and flows of his life experience whilst squeezing out hard turds. (Sorry 'bout that. Can't help where my imagination takes me). His date's ample breasts would bob up and down as she undulated her hands under the water. Z's nose would just be visible as it protruded from the frosted glass screen and she would gaze at it lovingly.

Me? Well I'd just get me white towels.

Ok, so my daily knob is an advertisement too. The second head guy...
And an extra one with an old Kinks song...

Nerve Confessions: Letting Go and The Top 5 Movie Break Ups

spjv840 — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:10:00 GMT

The confession of the day is: "I asked my therapist why you haven't been in touch. He said I should try doing more than hitting the refresh button on my e-mail."

That seems like a pretty snarky thing for a therapist to say. If my therapist said something like that to me, I'd be looking through the yellow pages for a new therapist. Although, if you're going to take advice from anyone, that's the person to take it from, I suppose - and he/she does have a point.

Hitting the refresh button is the equivalent of waiting by the phone for someone to call. Its sad, lonely and desperate and I've done it more than I'd care to admit. It's the modern day way to drive yourself crazy.

"If you hadn't knocked her up, I would have kept fighting for you."

Ah yes, nothing makes you let go quicker than finding out the man you love knocked some bimbo up. It's pretty much a guaranteed way to say bye without a lot of strings attached. You sure as hell don't want to be caught up in some sort of Montel type threesome with the baby daddy and momma - that just isn't cool, no matter where you live or what you do.

When it comes to letting go, I'm not particularly the best person for the subject. For a long time I had a hard time letting go. Why let go of something/someone I want? Bah, I'd say, I take what is mine and that's that. Of course, I learned the hard way that you can't force people to love you or want you and in the long run it just causes more pain and drama. I've "let go" twice and it hurt like hell. But now, thankfully, I learned my lesson - I don't cling on like I used to. I'm just along for the ride so that if shit happens, as it always does, there won't be anything to let go of.

Some recent confessions:

"i want to be with you again...in every possible way."

"I miss you so much I've been reading our old emails and chats. I need to stop!"

"I knew the only way to get over you was to fall for someone else. It took for-fucking-ever, but I've finally done it. I'm a little sad that I can't tell you."

"I miss talking to you, but other than that, I am relieved it is over."

And my vote for best confession of the week is definitely this one:

"i love the way your husband tweaks my nipples when he comes"

And now the Top 5 Movie Break Ups

5) Closer

4)The Break Up (I'm sorry, it was a good movie)

3) Chasing Amy

2) High Fidelity

1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Related posts: Sex Machine: Oh Yeah, That I Did
Sex Machine: I've Never Done That
Sex Machine: Why Guys Somestimes Tend To Suck In Bed
Sex Machine: Please Slap My Ass and The Top 5 Topless Movie Scenes
Nerve Confessions: I Fell In Love In A Week
Nerve COnfessions: Datin' Daddy
Sex Machine: Are You A Frankfurther or A Mr Pencil?
Nerve Confessions: Tattoos & Piercings - Plus The Top 5 Hottest Tattooed Men and Women
Nerve Confessions: Shut Up And Fuck Me
Nerve COnfessions: Single and 30
Sex Machine: Toss My Salad
Nerve COnfessions: Should I Stay Or SHould I Go
Personals Drama: I'm Not Cupid
Date Machine: You're Not My Type
Sex Machine: The Butt Sex Bandit
Sex Machine: Hot Sex vs Bad Sex

Personals Drama: Tie me up, Tie me down. Or, my kink is better than your kink.

airheadgenius — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 00:39:00 GMT

Gotta love Almodovar. Ok, not so much a kink, more a choice.

As mentioned in my profile, a guy once emailed me saying that he would like to tie me to a tree and beat me. I declined the offer saying that it wasn't my thing. He asked why not. I replied that I am just as likely to be the one doing the tying as the one being tied. He responded that if I was looking for a submissive, then he was not my guy. Duh - we had established that. But I am not looking for a submissive, or to be dominant, necessarily. Just looking for nuance. I pointed that out (why I got into this discussion, I am not sure. Must've been a slow news day) and he responded with something to the effect that S&M was one of the most spiritually fulfilling experiences one could ever have. Maybe so. But surely it's only fulfilling if you're into it in the first place?

My point here is... why does your choice have to be my choice? And if I am not making a judgement on you, then why are you making a judgement on me? Just because I don't want to be tied to a tree and beaten, surely that doesn't make me sexually unevolved?

If you want to be into S&M, go ahead. Knock yourself out. On second thoughts, knock someone else out.

But in New York, everyone's got a kink it seems. Or at least a penchant for some strange activities. Check out this one from Nerve Confessions:

WTF??? Whilst bouncing?

Online dating, well New York in general, has been a study in the differences between Americans and English. A conversation was had a while back with an English friend and here's our conclusions... well, not conclusions, more ramblings:

It seems that the English are into having sex. Glorious sex. In whatever guise it comes - or not as the case may be. Now maybe it's New York, or maybe it's just that the times are a changin', but it seems that here and now, everyone's got a "thing". This one's into blondes with big tits, that one's into skinny, this one's into fat, S&M, etc etc. My friend's observation was that here, gay men are either tops or bottoms. Back home apparently it's more of a free-for-all.

So, peeps used to like drinking coffee. Now they like to drink a grande mocha 1% extra shot no whip whatever-the-fuck. Sex used to be just sex. Now, in this world of commodification and consumerism, you get to specify the exact sex you are looking for. Not "let's see what evolves", more "let's be clear before we even get naked".

I call it the Starbucks effect.

The obligatory back catalogue:
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

And now on to my daily knob: I was thinking bondage, then punk naturally, then all the punk bands I'd seen back in the day and then the ones I had a crush on. Settled on The Stranglers, since I had a crush on JJ Burnel, Hugh Cornwell and Dave Greenfield. Sorry Jet Black, you were always a bit pudgy for my tastes.
This takes me back to Ipswich Gaumont around 1980

Date Machine: Personal photos - the good, the bad and the ugly

airheadgenius — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:13:00 GMT

It is highly possible that I have blogged this already. My brain has gone a little pear-shaped after a sleepless weekend, so please forgive the transgression. If indeed there is one.
Here goes nothing...

Zeitgeisty posted about women showing up on dates bearing little or no resemblance to their photo.

I don't have the balls to do that.

I've gone on dates where men have said they were relieved I looked like my pictures as, apparently, women show up years older and 50 lbs heavier.
Again, it takes balls to do that.
And blind faith.
But balls none the less.

Now several men have tipped up after apparently spending too long in the tumble dryer or something, because they've been considerable shorter than advertised. One guy, who claimed to be 5'7" said "you're smaller than I expected you to be". My profile says 5'3", but I was in heels and so was exactly 5' 6" and could see clean over the top of his head. Yet I was the one who appeared smaller. Oh-kaaay.

(Truth be told, I lie about my height since I am 5' 2 1/2", but there's no way I am showing up in bare feet and so actually am between 5'3" and 5'7", footwear dependent. But I digress)

Men lie about their height a lot. About their body shape a little - honey, that is soooo not what I'd call athletic - and and a few lie about their hair, or lack thereof. But the variables with the average man are pretty narrow. Especially after mid 30s or so. I think it's fair to say that most 35+ men have shortish hair. Americans are a conservative bunch in terms of clothing, so there's not much to switch up there.

Women, as my height example shows above, can change rather more dramatically. We can be taller or shorter depending on shoes, hair can be worn up or down, make up or no make up, push up bra or not, tight clothes or loose etc etc. A well cut outfit can trim 10lbs off a woman's body. Even a little make up can transform a face.

The folk that show up bearing no resemblance to their photo have played a foul and should be given at the very least a yellow card, but the ones who look maybe not quite like you expected should be given the benefit of the doubt. It is very difficult to cast a critical eye over your own photograph. We all know what we look like in the mirror - I for one look gorgeous - but unless we're actors or in the habit of filming ourselves for kicks, we have little idea how we appear to the viewer as the animated beings that we are.

I'd like to think that, as a mature grown women, I can spend an hour with pretty much anyone and find a way to be pleasant. Even if they're sporting a toupee or have all their tackle stuffed down one trouser leg. A confessor over on Nerve Confessions said she could see disappointment in her date's eyes. And as far as I am concerned, that's a red card foul. If your date walks in with a face like a slapped arse, pin a smile on your face and be a grown up. It's, at most, an hour out of your life and being civil and pleasant company gives you good karma for dates to come.

There should be a code of honour for Internet daters. A very short version of the Hippocratic oath--"First, do no harm".

Surely that's not too much to ask?

(Oh and yeah, I know that "first, do no harm" is not exactly in the Hippocratic oath, but that's the gist of it. This sentence loosely translates as "piss off yer purist!")

The obligatory back catalogue:
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

I am loving the youtoob links and so, to that end, feast yourself on the dead, yet gorgeous, Jim Morrison. He was a hairy fucker fa reals. Damn fine tune too - Peace Frog. (And yeah, it does kinda sound like I'm Free by the Soup Dragons, but Jim got there first)

Date Machine: MORE Dating Confessions.. TRANSLATIONS..plus the Daily Throb

zeitgeisty — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Again, sometimes the more direct simple answer is the TRUTHIEST... Hence my latest batch of TRANSLATIONS of some selected Dating Confessions...

"Were you telling me you are attractive b/c in reality you have an iffy self-image and were trying to impress me/come across as confident? If so you f-ed up b/c I took it as arrogance... and you made me insecure, but not in a good way."

TRANSLATION: His compensatory façade worked like a charm! Sucka!

"somewhere-between-old-friend-and-former-acquaintance guy, you have no idea. one random, casual email from you for the first time in years and i'm picking out a wedding dress and considering names for our children. i'm ridiculous. i know that. but fuck it, it feels good to even be excited at the IDEA of someone. it's been entirely too long."

TRANSLATION: Whoahh slow down!.. See this is why he hasn’t contacted you in years.

"I had a boyfriend tell me once how I looked exactly like F. Murray Abraham. He even took out a pictre. Granted Abraham is an interesing actor. But to tell a 23 year old pretty blonde woman w/ fine features ...that she looks like a craggy actor in his late 50s....I still wonder what that was about."

TRANSLATION: 2 options.. a) your boyfriend was being an insensitive prick, or b) you look like F. Murray Abraham… “Mediocrities of the world I absolve you!”

"I hate when you say you "could fall in love with me." What does that mean? Do you love me or not? What is this "could" business?"

TRANSLATION: By ‘could’ fall in love you, they mean.. if you had a completely different personality, and were just a LITTLE hotter…

"I feel like everyone I know is getting more action than me, even my little sister. Then again, my little sister likes cooking for men and giving blowjobs more than I do, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised."

TRANSLATION: hmmm…. Does your sister have a phone number?

"Oh the memories...I dated one guy who barbered his pubic hair in a way intended to make it all look more impressive. Poor buggar. He didn't know what I was used to! no amount of trompe l'oeil tomfoolery could change that."

TRANSLATION: An ultra pretentious art student way of saying my ex-boyfriend had a tiny pee pee…

"I'm 23 female. Above average looks, but definitely not a stereotypical-looking babe. Smart. Witty. Emotionally strong and independent. Can be funny and goofy. Can also be serious and intellectual and kind of intense. I love thinking about sex and I'm pretty open-minded. Always have been. But... I haven't had much sex. The times I tried I haven't been able to make a guy come, and now I'm nervous. And insecure about some things. I don't of course tend to tell people I know this. I'd love to experiment sexually with someone attractive, but I don't want an attached-at-the-hip relationship. Would you date me?"

TRANSLATION: Amboabe’s last date…

"between girth and length, i'll take both. either they're too short or they're too skinny, yes? yes."

TRANSLATION: Pleased to meet you, my name is Goldicocks…

"I hate you. I hate your stupid radio show. And I'm lying. Because I still listen and still try to analyze song lyrics to find a final trace of me."

TRANSLATION: Restraining order waiting to happen..

"You ruined Neil Young for me. I can never listen to "Harvest Moon" again. Thanks a lot, jerk."

TRANSLATION: Switch to ‘After the Goldrush’ and quit whining…

Elizabeth Hurley...actress whom I've always found hot..

TYPES

Do.. do women really suck in bed?

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

50 sexual expereiences I've never had

Dating COnfessions translations

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

The obligatory back catalogue:
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

Nerve Confession: I am a whore

airheadgenius — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 22:29:00 GMT

(The lyrics in the chorus are key. Pay attention)

I am a comment-whore.
Maybe not quite a whore since I'm not being paid by the hit.
Maybe I am more of an addict.
My name is airheadgenius and I am a comment-aholic.

I used to have a blog over on the personals site. It was at the top of the board doncha know and got hundreds of hits a day, plus every post got at least a dozen comments. Some as many as a hundred plus.

I am sad and lonely on this blog. Boo hoo.

I miss the interaction. The banter if you will. I'm big on banter.
As is customary for my people.

It might be the content, but it's the same old drivel/insight depending on your perspective, that it always was. So it must be that you guys are just a tougher crowd.
Maybe the average Nerve reader is just too darn hip to bother committing fingertips to keyboard.
Maybe you're too busy spiking up your hair or plucking your eyebrows into a enigmatic arch.
Or maybe you're married and too chicken in case your spouse finds out and withholds conjugals for a week or two.

Maybe you're shy???

I had fans and detractors on the old blog, but it was fun. Hilarious from time to time.
See, without comments then it's just a journal really and I can write that at home to be found by my grand kids in 40 years time when I'm old and past it. Ewww, granny, that's nasty. You did what???

Blogs need comments is all I'm saying. Even crap ones, if that happens to be your opinion on the content.

Youporn is a case in point. A while back, you could rate the videos with stars, or leave a comment. I used to visit youporn just to read what people had written. Absolutely no one believes this, but it's true. Inane stuff to be sure, but funny just the same. "That's your mother", "nah, that's your mother" for example.

Over on Brownstoner, the posts are often deadly boring - typical NY real estate fare - but there's this guy TheWhat who stirs everyone up. I visit the site just to see who he's pissed off recently. (The comments on the clip from Aaron Neville are priceless by the way - it's been a while since I've heard someone say bumba claaart)

I just glanced at my old blog. 4725 comments on 191 posts. Uh oh, I think I am gonna cry again... Where's my comments at people??
Interact fachrissakes!!!

(I wonder if there's a 12 step for this condition?)

In honour of the new season of Ugly Betty, here's Eddie Cibrian

Date Night: Do you have First Date Sex?

airheadgenius — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 01:38:00 GMT

Ah well, my last post fell a bit flat, but I am not one to dwell. And I've just been inspired by a Nerve Confession. Particularly the last sentence...

See, I'm suffering from those high standards too and have never found myself in a situation where i'd fuck someone just for the sake of getting laid. At the very least there has to be a physical attraction. And so, on to my tale about a man who wasn't too thrilled with my who-to-have-sex-with decision making...

I once went on a date with a guy that proved not to be very mature. He asked me for a second date which I politely declined. He was pissed. He blogged about it. But that's not my point.

There was a moment in the evening when his mood changed. He offered to escort me home and I said "no thanks, I am going to jump in a cab".
The penny didn't drop for a while, but then it occurred to me that chumpy thought he was on a promise!
He had found himself out on a date with a woman that blogged about sex and so SURELY sex was on the menu.

Hell no!
I mean, hell not necessarily.

Yes, I like to have sex.
Every day if I can. Although that would only ever happen if I was in a relationship.
Obviously. (Well, it's at least obvious to anyone familiar with the responsibilities of raising children)

But apparently that's not obvious to everyone.

There's that expression used around gay men "backs against the wall" as if a gay man will fuck anything that moves, as long as it's male. It pisses me off to no end. Not least because that statement usually comes out of the mouths of fiercely unattractive straight men who couldn't actually get fucked by a discerning gay man even if it was their wildest (repressed) fantasy.

So, potential daters, if indeed you are here and reading,

Yes, I like to have sex,
but I won't (necessarily) have sex with you!

I am as discerning about whom I sleep with as I have ever been and, trust me, that means discerning.
And maybe I've set myself up for these kind of emails what with Cunning Linguists and Horatio the Fruit Seller (tee hee)
Or maybe I've just given myself yet another means to weed out the men from the boys.

Anyways, indulge me dear readers - what are your first date sexpectations? (The best comment wins a prize)

The obligatory back catalogue:
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

And since it's a DAILY knob, I am posting another photo of the delicious Nicholas Gonzalez

Date Machine: My latest batch of Dating Confessions...TRANSLATIONS!!!..plus the daily throb

zeitgeisty — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:17:00 GMT

Again, sometimes the more direct simple answer is the TRUTHIEST... Hence my latest batch of TRANSLATIONS of some selected Dating Confessions...

"Yes, last night was fun. Yes, this morning was better. No, that look you gave me as you walked out the door and looked back at me didn't clear things up. No, I am not as level headed or cold as I seem. Yes, I could and maybe do like you. But am I going to call first? Nope. Be a man and tell me you want to see me again. Until then, don't come back to my house."

Oh.. didn't I happen to mention that I'm QUEEN OF THE BALLBUSTERS!!!!

"After having sex with your overweight self... I never knew how much BETTER it would be with someone who wasn't fat. Keep kidding yourself that ALL guysin the IT world are FAT. Because, if that's the case; I'll keep my barista."

I got dumped for constantly calling my nerdy boyfriend with a good job a fat ass, so I went out and fucked the tattooed hipster that works in the coffee shop, now I'm regretting it...

"we both know what we did. and we both dont regret it, as far as i know. so please just talk to me."

Oh man... I think this guy just fucked his mother...

"Would it kill you to tell me you loved me? That you miss me? Or to even call me or text me? Just fucking say hi. I'm the most depressed that I've ever been in, and all you can do it sit around and talk to that asshole that you just met. And we're still dating!"

Face it dude... she's about 10 seconds away from fucking that asshole.

"Someone I dated 8 years ago left me to get married. I've kept in touch (a little) and she seems mostly melancholy--not tragically damaged, but not happy or lively either. That almost makes up for having been dumped so she could get married 8 years ago."

by 'keeping in touch' I mean stalking her on myspace...

"The next guy who tells me how beautiful and amazing I am, and how I should never settle, and who DOESN'T WANT TO DATE ME, is getting a fucking punch in the face."

Jesus... they were just being nice!! What did you want them to say, you're a completely uninteresting woof woof that's most probably going to spend the rest of your life alone.. or maybe with 20 cats?..

"My boyfriend and I fantasize about having a mfm threesome. He wants to make it a reality...I think it's best left as a fantasy, but only because I think that's why it's so hot. Doing it might actually leave us disappointed in the end."

Your boyfriend is gay.

mamacita... Rosario Dawson!!!

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file