date machine : personals drama

Personals Drama: Naked Photos

airheadgenius — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:21:00 GMT

Today, I was winked at by a naked man. Well, naked half man to be more accurate.

Clearly his photograph was taken in the bathroom mirror.
I am not mad at that in principle, especially since one of mine is too, but his face is entirely obscured by the camera flash. This makes me wonder if that was a compositional device or just bad planning. I opt for the latter only because the shot contains a none to elegant glimpse of towel on one side and doorknob on the other. Not an aesthete in other words.

An athlete though - for sure. Complete with athletic shots of his athletic body doing athletic things. No clear face photo which is always a little troubling.

What to do though?

To me, bare chest photos are just not that appealing. Even gorgeous ones - as this one undoubtedly was, right down to the chiseled outline of a lower torso. The D'Angelo shot.

It smacks of superficiality of course, but I can't really get upset about that either given my regularly stated preference for beautiful men.

I briefly had a cleavage photo on my profile - it was back on the old blog and was part of an ongoing joke. I kinda forgot that it would also be for public consumption and wasn't prepared for the slew of emails I got that week offering me all kinds of extra attention.

I am certainly not averse to a hook up, but it seems that a tit photo doesn't exactly scream "seeking long term relationship". Of course, I am projecting but I tend to assume that the naked folk are on Nerve.com for it's infamous appeal - just to get laid - and so I don't take those guys seriously. Maybe I am mistaken though and there's a deeply sensitive, evolved and interesting man hiding, shirtless, behind the flash of the camera.

How do you people feel about it? Semi-naked photos - yay or nay?

Here are some I made earlier:
Ever decreasing circles - have you dated the same men as me?
Way too much information
ahg, zeit, ambo threesome plus booty calls
Is this thing on? Does anyone find love on Nerve?
Do you attract douchebags?
Jaded or pragmatic?
Let down badly by an Englishman

He's been my Daily Knob before, but some bodies deserve a re-run.

Personals Drama: Ever decreasing circles or have you dated the same men I've dated?

airheadgenius — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:17:00 GMT

One of the conversations I had with Zeitgeisty after we established our real life frenemy-ship was the surprising number of men and women we've met from the "Most popular members" page.

(I am on page #1 doncha know. You may question the validity of this, but it's a fact so suck it up)

Once in a while, I scroll through the profiles of a few dozen men or so - those in my age range and vicinity - and mentally check them off: met him, he wrote to me, I wrote to him, slept with him (rarely is this the case due to circumstances not allowing too much early date sex) and so on and so on.

A few weeks back, I went on a date with someone who knows friends of mine. This has happened more than once.

Last year, I became friends with a woman through Nerve on the personals blogs. We shared information about past dates and it turns out that we'd both briefly dated the same sloppy kisser.

I tend to go out in Brooklyn in one of three neighborhoods. It is only a matter of time before I am on a date and I see an ex date in the same bar.

Small circle of bars.

Small circle of people.

Ever decreasing circles of eligible men.

I grew up in a relatively small town and, due to my reasonably conspicuous personality, knew quite a lot of people. Even when I visit 20+ years after leaving, people still "know me". I don't like small town mentality - I don't like too many people all up in my biz.

How is it that in a city of millions of people, I keep seeing the same faces?

(Note to self: must stay off computer)

Here are some I made earlier:
Way too much information
ahg, zeit, ambo threesome plus booty calls
Is this thing on? Does anyone find love on Nerve?
Do you attract douchebags?
Jaded or pragmatic?
Let down badly by an Englishman
Dating and dying
Do your friends hook you up?
Is size everything?
King dong and jizz volume

May as well have stayed at home and shagged an old farmer.

Personals Drama: Is this thing on? AKA does anyone find love on Nerve?

airheadgenius — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:29:00 GMT

I am up early this morning waiting for the appraiser to view my house, put me through hell for 20 minutes and then determine whether or not my interest rate can be lowered. My financial life hangs in the balance of some shabby little man with bad breath and a bad attitude. (My apologies if you are an appraiser since the truth can sting)

The house is deadly quiet. The 6 Austrians staying upstairs that I hoped would be out sightseeing are clearly still asleep and will be sprawled everywhere when he arrives. I am wrangling with the choice of trying to explain them away or simply pretending I do not see them as we move through the apartment. My children remain asleep having consumed bucket loads of easter eggs and gone to bed too late. They will wake groggy and demanding at the most inopportune moment.

If it isn't abundantly clear, the day is threatening to go pear shaped.

There's nothing I can do but wait - the house has been staged so I don't want to mess it up by starting some new project - so I misguidedly decided to review the available men on Nerve.com. This did not exactly alleviate my dank mood.

I've been on the site for two years. And apparently so has each and every man in the 38 to 50 age range that the search function just threw at me. Presumably we didn't all sign up on the same day though so it can be reasonably assumed that some have been here longer. Many men, who clearly did not major in marketing, have their sign up date displayed thus advertising the fact that they've been at this game for as long as 5 years.

I flicked though page after page, refamiliarizing myself with various profiles and annoying headlines. "Ugh, not you again", "Quelle surprise - you're still here" etc etc. I saw the ones that I've dated: ones that looked nothing like their photo, ones with fatal personality flaws, the ones that I liked, but didn't like me and so on.

I read with a sinking feeling as I just don't need to see the same old faces knowing that they are not my "one". Presumably many men have the same response to me when they trawl through the listings: "Oh gee, airheadgenius is still here. Still pitching that ridiculously long profile".

That's not good.

So, today's question is: Does this work for anyone? I don't want to be doing this in my dotage.

Here are some I made earlier:
Do you attract douchebags?
Jaded or pragmatic?
Let down badly by an Englishman
Dating and dying
Do your friends hook you up?
Is size everything?

Why isn't his guy on Nerve and just itching for a short blonde chick just past her prime?

Personals Drama: Do you attract douchebags or is it just my bad luck? Plus open relationships - could you swing it?

airheadgenius — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 19:16:00 GMT

A man wrote to me yesterday. He had a cheeky grin and was reasonably appealing to look at.
His email wasn't all that engaging though - especially this sentence: "And perhaps you might enjoy a light tap on your fanny now and then" given that in my language, fanny means vagina, but his profile was pretty interesting.

I usually just skim, but luckily this time I read it completely. Right up to the bit that said that he was currently in an open relationship but could always find space for new and interesting people.

I wrote back thanks, but that I was not interested in someone in an open relationship. Actually, I'm not too keen in someone in any kind of relationship come to that.

He wrote me back using the instant message function: "Thank you, but I am not interested"

What a douche.
I instant messaged him back: "To be honest, I am looking for someone younger". And then I blocked him, which ends that particular chapter.

But what of open relationships people? (I've written about this before, but can't remember when)
I've been in dating situations in their early stages where there's been more than one man on the go, and FWB type situations where quite likely they've been involved with other people but since there was no serious relationship, I didn't ask who they were dating. It didn't bother me one way or the other.

I've never been in an official open relationship though and can't imagine wanting to be in one. I am not a jealous person, so that's not the reason it doesn't appeal to me and I've absolutely no moral judgement against it. It just seems unduly complicated.

My kid's dad asked if I would consider an open relationship many years ago. I had an 18 month old and was pregnant with my second child. I didn't think it would be a good look for me back then.

Still don't.

Here are some I made earlier:
Jaded or pragmatic?
Let down badly by an Englishman
Dating and dying
Do your friends hook you up?
Is size everything?
King dong and kizz volume
Prostitues - yay or nay?
The female orgasm
Fabulous at 40, the reprise
Slim, petite or average?
Losing Momentum

Personals drama: Jaded or pragmatic?

airheadgenius — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:06:00 GMT

Do you create personalities?

I got an email from a man last week expressing interest in meeting me.
I declined politely.
He wrote back.
I replied, but again without any indication that this was going to fly.
He is many years older than me which doesn't particularly appeal, but what's really off putting is that his interest is in women much younger than him. His top parameter for age is 8 years his junior. That turns me off completely.

He has since written 3 more times even though I haven't been answering.
Clearly he is convinced that we have something to talk about.

It seems to me that he must have constructed an identity for me. After all, even though my profile is ludicrously long, it still only gives a snippet of information about me. My photos show me on my best day, and me on a regular day, but again, just a snippet.

Somehow, he must have assigned traits and decided we'd get along. I read his profile when I got the first email. He seems perfectly pleasant, but there's nothing about him that I could particularly hang my hat on. Nothing that says he's my kind of guy.

I just wrote him a snippy email. Hopefully that's the end of that.

Do you do that though? Daydream an identity before you've met a person?
I guess I used to - back in my salad days of Internet dating. But after a couple of years (yikes) I tend not to have any expectations at all. If a profile appeals, then I meet for a drink and, if it doesn't work out then c'est la vie.

Does that make me jaded or just pragmatic?

Here are some I made earlier:
Let down badly by an Englishman
Dating and dying
Do your friends hook you up?
Is size everything?
King dong and kizz volume
Prostitues - yay or nay?
The female orgasm
Fabulous at 40, the reprise
Slim, petite or average?
Losing Momentum

Face is nothing special, but you can't have everything apparently

oh, he came out tiny! How disappointing! It looks like he's having a wank too. Ooer!

Personals Drama: Let down badly by an Englishman

airheadgenius — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:55:00 GMT

I miss my compatriots.

I miss their wit and their humour. I miss their spellings.

So, imagine my excitement when I receive an email from an English man.

My glee was horribly misplaced however. Here's a snippet:

Hi I’m most intrigued... I would love to chat
Maybe a candle light date.....
Your thoughts...??
XXXXX

My first thought was "ewwww", not least because of the row of kisses, but I checked out his profile anyway. Turns out we went to the same design college which is quite a fluke. Especially because it's very hard to get in to. So I wrote back and mentioned this unlikely coincidence.

His reply failed to acknowledge that point and instead went like this:

Darling a quick note from my bed...
Very hectic running around getting ready for my trip...
I will be in the city presenting two projects, so setting up meeting with galleries etc....
Will call when I arrive, will send you my cell number when I get a sim card... Which network...??
Till then all my kisses
XXXXXXXX

There was nothing appealing for me here, so I didn't respond, but that didn't stop him.

Hi it's the end of an exhausting day I'm off for a hot bath with almond & rose oil.....
I will be staying downtown, where in the city are you....??
XXX

Clearly he was exhausted, given that he could only muster up the energy to give me three kisses. I ignored this one too, but he remained unperturbed:

morning darling from downtown ... It’s great to wake up to the new york sunshine....!!!
i’m feeling a bit stiff from my flight, now in need of a massage...... maybe with jasmin oil.... any ideas...???
i would love to chat, when is good for me to call.....??
all my kisses...
XXXXXXX

When is a good time to call? Howzabout when hell freezes over?

Back to the drawing board full of Americans with less of a penchant for kisses.

Here are some I made earlier:
Dating and dying
Do your friends hook you up?
Is size everything?
King dong and kizz volume
Prostitues - yay or nay?
The female orgasm
Fabulous at 40, the reprise

A tiny picture of another fey Englishman: Quentin Crisp. A witty conversationalist, but I wouldn't want to do him. Then again, he wouldn't want to do me either.

Confessions, Personals, Comments - please don't make me cringe

airheadgenius — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 02:33:00 GMT

You know that reaction - when your nose kinda curls up and you squint a bit?
A serious cringe might give rise to an involuntary shrugging of one shoulder or even an audible "ewww".

For example, as a reaction to the bright spark that commented on Ambo's blog "Whoa as me"

Or the many, many times I've read "wa la" (yep, that's voilà folks)

Maybe even the Nerve confessor apparently looking for a physiatrist. And even though physiatrist perhaps shouldn't be a word, apparently it is, but it's not usually used in conjunction with "because I am a really disturbed person" is it? (It appears I don't have a significant problem with run on sentence usage)

All those little literary quibbles pale in comparison to this particular cringe inducing phenomenon though:

The thing that makes me cringe on Nerve more than anything is when I get a suggestive email from a man I have no interest in whatsoever.
If it's innocuous and uninteresting, then it makes no difference to my day at all. Just another "hello" from the ether.

But when it has sexual connotations and it's someone I wouldn't get naked with for a bet, it knots my shoulders up to no end.
Like todays "Let me spank you" from some chump who "prefers not to say" his height and weight and, if that wasn't enough, he's adorned himself with a beanie hat that would make your average pedophile run screaming for the hills.

I guess it takes all sorts though right? Anyone looking for a chubby dwarf with a distinct look of a serial killer about them, I know just the man...

Here are some I made earlier:
Too hot to internet date?
Bed
Where do these losers come from?
How many sexual partners have you had?
The time I dated Zeitgeisty
F*ck off yer ol git

Another daily un-knob in honour of cringe factor

Personals drama: F*ck off yer ol git

airheadgenius — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:04:00 GMT

Yep, I've written about this before, but here's a little reminder to all you old folk out there:

I will never, not ever, no never date, meet, have sex with, dine with a man from Nerve.com in his late 50s or 60s.

Don't even get me started on the 70 year olds.

This picture is cute, but put my face instead of the old biddy and it makes me want to vom.

Oldie but goodie can refer to a record from 1973.

Men born in the 40s can go shit in their respective hats.

STOP WRITING TO ME OLD PEOPLE!

If I have to choose between celibacy and screwing wrinkleys (until such time that I am one) I pick celibacy.

Go direct your zimmer frame elsewhere.

Here are some I made earlier:
It's not funny being single
The V Word
The taste of kitty
You people smell
Click Addict
Profile Pictures
If I don't get laid soon

Kinda cute, but I don't want to do him. Do you? Another Daily UN-knob

Personals Drama: Click addict

airheadgenius — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 15:42:00 GMT

A while back, there was a man that viewed my profile several times a week over a period of several months. Sometimes, he would view me every day, other times twice a week, but that was his absolute minimum. He appeared to find me compelling for some reason or another.

But he never contacted me.

After a while, every time that I saw him on my "who's viewed me" list, it would irk me that here he was again checking me out but not contacting me.
I looked at his profile and found him interesting except for his super tiny mouth and thin lips which didn't cut it for me, but I might've given him a go.

Anyways, another month goes by and he continues to view my profile many times a week, so I decided to contact him.

As you know, I am thrilled with my own wit and humour, so I found my communication to be, well, witty and humorous. I asked if he found me attractive, but couldn't deal with the kids. Or hideous yet compelling. Funny on my blog (which was the old one btw) but borderline unattractive and my personality didn't make up for it. etc etc.

I figured the least he would do is write back.

But he didn't. Which irked me even more.
(In a "wtf?" way, not in a boil a bunny way. I want it to be clear that this gave me pause for about a few minutes)

And he has never, never, ever looked at my profile again. Quit cold turkey.

Now, the dude in question is constantly featured on the front page of the personals site. Either he's marketing himself or Nerve thinks he speaks to their demographic, so he's a near constant reminder of an unanswered email.

Except now I click on him. About once a week.
I never read his profile, just click and navigate away so that I show up on his "who's viewing me" page.

He probably sees me and thinks "wtf is she looking at me again for??? Doesn't she get that I am not interested?"
Of course I get it. But it amuses me to no end to click anyway just to return the "wtf?" favour.

It's shit like this that gets me through my day.

Here are some I made earlier:
Profile Pictures
If I don't get laid soon
Sex standing up
Is this the best you can do?
Are you insulted?
Juicy Lips
Dear John, F*ck Off
Cry, get mad, move on soundtrack
Obama Babies
Granny Porn
Seriously, what is the point?
3 Basic Needs
Piercings - love or loathe?
Deviant Sexual Practises

Personals drama: Profile pictures

airheadgenius — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 06:20:00 GMT

I just got home from a bar where my friends were DJ-ing. Bit drunk now and have the munchies, so feasting on popcorn.

Anyways, whilst we were at the bar another friend of mine kept taking pictures. I hate hate hate having my picture taking so managed to turn away or put my hand in front of my face, but no doubt she got some horrible shots of me despite my best efforts.

I like my face when I look in the mirror. I don't mind it when I catch a glimpse of myself in some animated pose, but I rarely see a picture that I think looks like me. Because of my dislike of being photographed, I had a hard time coming up with profile pictures. I tried to get one of my kids in cahoots - he was 3 at the time - but the results weren't so special. Lots of pictures of walls with my arm in or me, sans head. Finally I resorted to the classic bathroom mirror pose accompanied by the macbook photobooth shot.

If you are one of these types too, please at least give a nod to composition. Headless is not cute. A shot of your reflected grubby sink is not cute either.

Zeitgeisty said that these shots are dismal and - can't remember what... lame? lazy? - but that's easy for him to say given that he's a complete poseur. My excuse: I can't bear to think that imagined me isn't exactly the same as real me, so I take my own pictures in my own bathroom mirror.

That's all. Except to say that the popcorn is gone and there's nothing quite like corn puffs when you're drunk. Gnite.

Here are some I made earlier:
If I don't get laid soon
Sex standing up
Is this the best you can do?
Are you insulted?
Juicy Lips
Dear John, F*ck Off
Cry, get mad, move on soundtrack

The only booty I am getting tonight:

Personals Drama: Dear John--F*ck off!

airheadgenius — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Does it need saying?

If you go out on a date and get along ok but are not interested, do you send a Dear John/Jane and say thanks but no, or do you let it slide?

I used to be of the school that wrote a polite "I enjoyed your company but..." because it seemed impolite not to, but lately it just seems superfluous. If you get an email and have that momentary buzz of anticipation, it kinda sucks when you read "no thanks".

Less is more in this instance.

(I am following the recent female trend for extremely short blog posts)

Part of D'Angelo

Here are some I made earlier:
Cry, get mad, move on soundtrack
Obama Babies
Granny Porn
Seriously, what is the point?
3 Basic Needs
Piercings - love or loathe?
Deviant Sexual Practises

Personals Drama: Granny porn

airheadgenius — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 00:45:00 GMT

(Did I post this one already? Is anyone paying attention?)

One time, I had porn spam in my inbox (now there’s a statement to wrestle with) advertising the delights of Hot Grannies. I clicked on the link, cos I just love those old chicks and was appalled, nay devastated to find women my age! I guess I could conceivably be a granny, if I’d had a sluttier teenage. Well, not so much sluttier, but less birth-controlled. Still, it hurt me to the quick.

Madonna would be quite an ancient in the world of granny porn. Maybe there's great granny porn for the over 50 set?

Anyways, the other day, I posted something about not finding men aged 50+ attractive and a bunch of men told me off for being narrow minded. Clearly they've not perused the competition and discovered that very few men will even consider dating a woman older than them, much less by 10 years. It seems that most men stop at their own age, a few "accept" women up to a couple years older, but many have a parameter 10 years to 20 years younger than them.

There’s a lot of men on this site advertising themselves as “youthful” or “look younger than I am” etc. Mostly the ones prone to want a younger woman – no wait a minute – that’s men in general. Anyway, NO YOU DON’T LOOK YOUNGER THAN YOUR AGE! No-one does. We all look our age – give or take a year or two. Think about it dear audience……. And ask yourself the question if in doubt “ok, so how old DOES s/he look?” Chances are, the person looks their age.

Maybe it’s the “40 is the new 30” effect…. People don’t actually look younger. They just dress and act younger than the previous generation did at that particular age. This was hammered home to me a few weeks back – I was wearing a pink Hello Kitty t-shirt and my friend’s 8 year old said “ooo – I love your shirt. I have one just like it”. Ouch.

So – face it – you look your age. Yes, I am talking to you – dear 77 year old man that wrote to me the other week. WTF??? That shit pisses me off. One of the few things I specify on my profile (in the “check this section” at least) is a parameter for age. I have no desire to do an oldie. And I have no desire for an oldie to think about doing me. (I am pretty sure I can guess the reaction of a 40 year old male who was hit on by a 77 year old woman)

Although, when I mentioned this particular hit to some friends, the men were like “cool – way to go” etc and the women were more “eewwwwww”. Except for male friend’s with daughters. They didn’t like it – clearly they can see the writing on their in-the-future wall.

So, lots of men want a younger chick. The justification being that the man in question looks and feels a lot younger. But why couldn’t a 40 something woman look and feel a lot younger too? Fair enough if these men are still hoping to procreate although it's a pretty selfish endeavour, but if not, why not give those older chicks a chance?

I get emails from younger guys fairly often. The youngest being 23. I guess it could be fun, but at some point we’d have to have a conversation and I can’t imagine that working out.
“D’ya remember ______________?”….. “nope”

Nuff said.

(p.s. Do not, under any circumstances, ever ever ever do a google image search for grandpa porn, like for instance if you were looking to post a tongue in cheek Daily Knob. The results were enough to make me upchuck my dinner)

Today, it's a Daily Un-Knob. He is not very attractive.

Here are some I made earlier:
Seriously, what is the point?
3 Basic Needs
Piercings - love or loathe?
Deviant Sexual Practises
When good email goes bad
Age again, with more feeling
How young is too young, how old is too old?

Personals Drama: Persistent, interested or just plain annoying?

airheadgenius — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:57:00 GMT

I got an email yesterday from a new man. Perfectly reasonable opening gambit, decent profile, nice looking.

I read it, wondered if he might have potential and went to bed. This morning, I got up, took one of my kids to the doctor, took my dad to the supermarket, had lunch, baked mince pies, then went with my kids to the park, all of which brought me up to about 4pm.

And then I checked my email. The same man had written and said that he'd thought he would at least get a smart ass comment from me.

Easy now tiger. I have better things to do, or at least things to do, than write back return of post.

This has happened a bunch of times - a very short amount of time has elapsed from an original note and the chappy in question has written a second and even third email trying to determine if there's any interest from me.

And I've got to admit it, it pisses me off.

It doesn't annoy me because of any notion of "correct" behaviour. I don't mind getting several emails in a row from someone I've started a correspondence with and, if I think of something to tell a friend/potential date, then I will go ahead and do so, regardless of whether or not it's my turn. It's just this idea that I have nothing better to do than write back. It says plainly on my profile that I have children - doesn't that at least suggest that I have things to do?

On top of that, I like to email people when I have something to say other than just exchanging pleasantries or, worse still, responding with some pedestrian note that doesn't suggest any personality whatsoever. I feel the same way about responding to comments here - sometimes I am just not in the mood to think of pertinent replies, so I leave it alone.

In some instances, no news is good news.

Anyway, now I feel badgered and it's kinda killed the mood for me. Hopefully he wasn't the love of my life...

(I don't want to jinx myself though. It's not that I don't want to get email - I love email! I just don't like being nagged)

Daniel Henney

Here are some I made earlier:
Do blondes have more fun?
A nod to amboabe
The road less travelled
Stupid computers Stupid internet
Sexy Ass
How do you feel about penetration

Personals Drama: Truth in advertising. Or the REAL DEAL profile!

airheadgenius — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 03:04:00 GMT

Alternatively titled: I believe in Miracles

As Zeitgeisty discussed on his latest post, there's a lot to be said for airing your sexual preferences early on in the game, so as not to find yourself shocked down the line by a closet tranny or, considerably more worrying, a missionary only type lover. He suggested it is pre-first date fare and, whilst the romantic in me disagrees with him, the pragmatist in me thinks it's probably a wise move.

By why not go the whole hog and include everything in your profile under "more about what I am looking for"?

My tenants just announced they are moving out at the end of their lease. (This abrupt and potentially confusing change of subject shall henceforth be referred to as "doing an Amboabe". Don't worry, like him I have a plan for bringing it back around)

Yeah, so they're leaving. Part of me is worried about the potential loss of rental income and the stress of finding good tenants in these worrying economic times, but the other part of me is dancing a fucking jig because the male end of the couple walks like a disabled elephant. Even my kids say "what ARE they doing up there?". The other week, she got a Wii fit and, trust me, the sound ain't pretty.

So, I have to run an ad on Craigslist. (keep with me on this Amboabe thing. The light at the end of the tunnel is ahead)
I am allowed to specify no pets and no smoking, but anything more discriminatory than that is illegal. Or is it immoral? Not cricket in any case.

But here's what I really want to write:
Tenant must weigh no more than 100 lbs and have a penchant for shag rugs and carpet slippers. They should have a full time job paying no less than $75K and with minimum working hours of 8am to 8pm. The tenant should spend every weekend upstate New York, or similar. Said tenant should be drug and disease free and have few, if any, friends or family members. They should cook only bland, odour free food and enjoy their music and television at very low volume. The tenant should keep their apartment impeccably clean and should have a magnanimous and communal attitude towards the public staircase and hallway which they should enjoy cleaning on a bi-monthly basis. The tenant should also delight in the sound of an English accent yelling, at times quite loudly, at small children. They should also be comfortable paying slightly above market rent.

The Mary frickin Poppins of tenants in other words is what's required.

Now, and hereby ends the tactic we all now know as the Amboabe, on to my profile:

Airheadgenius seeks a man of 5'8" and up, with a hard body and a foreskin a top a 6-8" penis. He should earn $75K a year with 6 weeks vacation and a reasonable pension plan. He should have a magnanimous and communal attitude towards his bank account. The man should have either a dead or extremely generous mother, an anglophile philanthropist for a father and kind and thoughtful siblings with room to have children on sleepovers. He should not have any children of his own, but have an overwhelming desire to help raise someone elses. The man should have no religious affiliations, but should celebrate any holiday that includes gift giving. He should be especially inclined to extravagance at Christmas, but insist on little in return. He should be able to cook at chef level and thoroughly enjoy doing so on a daily basis. The opportunity to load the dishwasher or the washing machine should fill him with pleasure. This man should play several instruments including guitar and be a master craftsman as a hobby. He should have a particular desire to finish a basement. It should not need stating that he is a cunning linguist and a giving lover. Last, but certainly not least, he should be charmed senseless by short, curvy English women with wise arse tendencies.

And here's how my "miracle" would really end. Yep, my Daily Knob happens to be a mouse. I did use to have a crush on Errol Brown back in the day though. Waaay back in the day that is.

Here are some I made earlier:
In my bedroom one will find
Biggin it up
The facial hair pubic hair conundrum
The trouble with rich men
5 Things I am Thankful for
British Personal Ads
How do you like to be dumped?
Not much to do with dating
Duh!
Do you date aliens"
Man's Best Friend

Personals Drama: British Personal Ads

airheadgenius — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 02:49:00 GMT

I've got nothing today. No dates to report, due to being too busy with kid's birthdays and such, and no massively opinionated opinions on any given topic, plus quite drunk at this point (wrote frunk the first time if that's any indication) and so am merely regurgitating an email sent to me by a friend earlier. Fire me if you will, oh beautiful Nerve bosses, for I am not being original in the least...

These are what my friend got when she googled "british singles"

I may expand, when sober, on the difference between my people and your people, but for now suffice it to say that I find them amusing and you lot may not.

(you have no idea how many times I've had to hit delete this due to drunken typing errors. A+ for effort airheadgenius)

"I begin each sexual performance with a tympani roll. I find it steadies the ship. Less than buoyant canal-boat dweller, amateur percussionist and bon viveur (M, 57) seeks not-easily intimidated woman to 55 with no small knowledge of crank-shaft engines, blue-note fades and behaviour-correcting medicines. Box no. 12/03."

"Some incidents in life are blacked-out for a reason. Much as I shudder to recall an incident at Dulwich in 1968 involving a goose, a penny whistle and the local priest, so you will probably twist in the wind whenever, in years to come, you are forced to relate a tale about how you once replied to a personal advert in a flurry of mis-placed appreciation for what you regarded at the time as a heightened and sophisticated sense of irony. Man, 40. Hates geese. And priests. And whistling. Box no. 12/05."

"This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 12/08."

"This advert may well be the Cadillac of all lonely hearts adverts, but its driver is the arthritic granddad with a catalogue of driving convictions. Arthritic granddad (67) with a catalogue of driving convictions including 'Driving whilst trying to turn the dang wipers off,' 'Driving whilst wondering if his urology appointment has come through,' and 'Driving whilst "Hey! Isn't that where your aunt Maude's first husband lived after the divorce came through? He's settled in Jersey now. I could never stand him - he used to do this thing with his teeth." ' WLTM someone who knows how to stop the oven timer from beeping. Box no. 01/01."

"Don't listen to your inner voice in matters of the heart! Especially if your inner voice tells you to check his outgoing message box for evidence of a wife or ask why he always needs to be on the last train to Stafford instead of just staying the night. It's a simple rule, but it's a rule that will give us many happy - if somewhat tawdry - experiences together. Man, 38. Not in the slightest bit married. Remember that. Box no. 01/05."

"To the guy with the wild grey hair and thin pony tail and bow-tie and white socks and chewed copy of Rimbaud and the lisp and excessive spittle and over-use of the word 'platitudes' and faint odour of taco meat who will no doubt reply to this advert much like he's replied to every other advert I've ever placed in here: 'Eccentric' is only a favourable adjective when it's wrapped in an attractive package or earns over œ200,000 a year and owns a holiday retreat in Tuscany. Other LRB-reading men should also note this. Replies from 'normals' or the stupidly rich only please to woman, 45, currently down to 37 seconds on her 'tolerance of idiots' meter. Box no. 01/08."

"My last husband was a loser. If you're not a loser please reply. Woman, 40. Incredibly simple criteria. Box no. 01/09."

Today's daily knob is just a big old anonymous schlong.

Here are some I made earlier:
How do you like to be dumped?
Not much to do with dating
Duh!
Do you date aliens"
Man's Best Friend
How do you like your foreskin?
Why do men love breasts?
Who pays?
What if?
Have you ever been experienced?
Surprise! I'm Pregnant!
Dogs and Dating
Erectile Dysfunction
Daddy's Girl
I need a Frenchman
What I want
The Fart Edition
Fisting and small snatches
How bloggers date
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour

Personals Drama: Do you date Aliens?

airheadgenius — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:36:00 GMT

I've got itunes on shuffle and this just came on. (Sorry for the abrupt ending. Out of my hands...)

Which got me to thinking about The Old Grey Whistle Test.

Which got me to thinking about dating Americans.

Living out of one's culture is an alienating experience.
We are categorised as "aliens" even, albeit resident ones in my case.

And some days I long for someone with whom I can share more experiences. Especially teenage ones.

Teenage Kicks.

For sure, some of you instantly know what I am referring to, but I can't imagine a single UK soul of 40+ that doesn't completely remember Feargal Sharkey singing it on Top of the Pops. D'ya remember him singing Jimmy Jimmy? F'kin weirdo!

Or not, as the case may be.

Camberwick Green.
The heat wave of '77. Same year as the Silver Jubilee and all those street parties.
Getting cider from the offie.
Match of the Day.
Football crisps.
Tiswas
Answers on a postcard please

The list goes on.
Sometimes, making a pop culture reference and having it immediately understood is important.
Sometimes, explaining jokes or having to translate English into American gets tiring.

To that end, this week I have a date with an Irishman.
(Incidentally, dear man, if you're reading this and don't know what I am talking about - bollocks to ya)

Feargal Sharkey

Here are some I made earlier:
Man's Best Friend
How do you like your foreskin?
Why do men love breasts?
Who pays?
What if?
Have you ever been experienced?
Surprise! I'm Pregnant!
Dogs and Dating
Erectile Dysfunction
Daddy's Girl
I need a Frenchman
What I want
The Fart Edition
Fisting and small snatches
How bloggers date
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour

Personals Drama: Did he die, or does he just not want to date me?

airheadgenius — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:33:00 GMT

So, he didn't ever write back to me.
The man that I married in my head.

It's ok really I know, but irritating none the less.
Where are his manners?
I mean, anyone can make a polite excuse - I met someone else, I am moving to Baltimore, I have inoperable cancer. See how easy that was?

To cap it all, we'd spoken on the phone. So, not only has he rejected me on the grounds of email, he has also rejected my dulcet tones. And don't forget I've got that accent going on. Gotta admit it, that stings.

Not that I haven't dished out my own fair share of rejection. In all fairness, I've been the rejector more often than the rejectee. But I don't leave my suitors hanging, wondering why. (That was a bare faced lie I've just realised. Sorry hanging peeps)

Being the rejector is better for the ego, I guess, but bad for the id. My ego does not have to contend with the notion that I might have a face like a slapped arse, but then my id doesn't get to get it's freak on.

I wish I hadn't ended my hook up. I have hook up rules though... once someone has been dismissed from service, it seems inappropriate to just call them up for a drive by. Kinda rude. I mean, even non-commitment has it's commitment element no? Plus, he broke the service agreement and therefore negated the contract. He got a little too involved and then I got a call from the girlfriend that I didn't know he had. (Actually, neither did he. She was an ex and stalkers are not a beautiful thing)

Anyway, back to the subject of my rejection. What I hate the most about this site is that you can go look at their profile to see if they've been back to the site. He has. And thus my fantasy that he died in a fire is dispelled. Not that I wish death by flame on anyone, but surely it's better to think he met an untimely death than face the fact that he just doesn't want to go out with me. Oo - but wait - maybe it's not him on his profile. Maybe he died in his bed at the hand of a violent lover and some detective is ploughing through his history folder looking for clues. Yep - that's definately more plausible. Feeling a bit better now.

(In case no-one ever writes to me again, this is not a serious post. It is ironic. It's supposed to be funny. Chuckle you serious mothafuckas. Chuckle why dontcha)

And in conclusion, direct your ears back to the top and the words of Aimee Mann. Insert "almost" as appropriate.

This song could be Nerve's anthem...

The obligatory back catalogue:
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour
Rate my Profile
My kink is better than your kink
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

Today, I am posting an anti-knob, because I just don't get what all the fuss is about. Benicio del Toro looks like my kid's pediatrician. She is a bit mannish it has to be said. In any case, other chicks like him so this one is for you other chicks.

Personals Drama: Do you rate my profile?

airheadgenius — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:46:00 GMT

Someone wrote to me yesterday and said that mine is the best profile they have ever read.
Aww, thanks.
But "if I were to critique it"....
WTF???

And my profile is apparently too long.
Men have written to tell me that
"it's really funny, but a little too long"
WTF mark ll.
Did I submit the thing for a critique? You want to send it back with red pen all over it? Grade me even???
Don't write to me, dear heart, if it's too long - don't waste your precious brain cells thinking about a response.

Now, please don't misunderstand me, I am not suggesting that mine IS the best profile in the world, nor that it is without fault. But it is MY profile, created and published by me as a means to meeting a lover or a partner or even just for some light entertainment. It was not launched into the ether in an attempt to garner critique on my writing skills.

I get a bunch of emails saying "I read the whole thing"
Err, and??
Aren't you supposed to?
I read your whole thing too - in fact, I remain captivated by the dullest of them sometimes. Like WTF were you thinking??? Is this working for you? Seriously? Anyway, I digress.....

Ok mine is long as a profile goes, but it's hardly long as a piece of writing.
You don't win a special award because you made it through to the end and spent, oh...maybe 3 minutes of your time.
You concentrated for 3 whole minutes! Yay!! Maybe your mother wasn't demonstrative or something.....

Come on now, if I was trying to attract the kind of man that can't even be bothered to read what I have to say as well as look at my pictures, then I'd just use a picture of my tits. Or arse. Or maybe this one of me in a towel from my old blog..

.

And if you find my profile a challenging read, for Christ's sake, don't ever get yourself started on Ulysses!
(Oh calm down, I am not comparing my profile to the work of James Joyce. It is merely a size comparison. Geez)

I am very aware that my profile puts off more people than it attracts - given that I have been viewed in the thousands and written to in the hundreds. Presumably my face is more appealing than my brain.
Whatever. That's cool too.

Because my brain is where it's at. In my opinion anyway.

If you can't cope with my profile, or better yet my blog, then what's the point of even a first date, let alone a second?
If you can't cope with a woman with a brain and the ability to express herself - then you can sod off too.

There's all this talk from the hairier gender about their desire for an intelligent woman. "Looks are sexy, intelligence is sexier" and all that horseshit. Us chicks know that it's mostly just marketing. Yeah, portray yourself as mister new man equality, with just enough rugged masculinity to keep us wanting you. You ain't slick. You don't think we're going to notice the change a few months down the line when you're watching the game, scratching your balls and asking us to crack open another beer for you?

If you want someone to pad behind you thinking you are oh so fabulous, get a freakin dog.

p.s. If you are a genuine "looks are sexy, intelligence is sexier" new age rugged man, please write to me quick style. Thanks.

The obligatory back catalogue:
My kink is better than your kink
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

One wouldn't want someone so campishly rugged in real life, but he's awfully cute to look at. Orlando Bloom.

Personals Drama: Tie me up, Tie me down. Or, my kink is better than your kink.

airheadgenius — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 00:39:00 GMT

Gotta love Almodovar. Ok, not so much a kink, more a choice.

As mentioned in my profile, a guy once emailed me saying that he would like to tie me to a tree and beat me. I declined the offer saying that it wasn't my thing. He asked why not. I replied that I am just as likely to be the one doing the tying as the one being tied. He responded that if I was looking for a submissive, then he was not my guy. Duh - we had established that. But I am not looking for a submissive, or to be dominant, necessarily. Just looking for nuance. I pointed that out (why I got into this discussion, I am not sure. Must've been a slow news day) and he responded with something to the effect that S&M was one of the most spiritually fulfilling experiences one could ever have. Maybe so. But surely it's only fulfilling if you're into it in the first place?

My point here is... why does your choice have to be my choice? And if I am not making a judgement on you, then why are you making a judgement on me? Just because I don't want to be tied to a tree and beaten, surely that doesn't make me sexually unevolved?

If you want to be into S&M, go ahead. Knock yourself out. On second thoughts, knock someone else out.

But in New York, everyone's got a kink it seems. Or at least a penchant for some strange activities. Check out this one from Nerve Confessions:

WTF??? Whilst bouncing?

Online dating, well New York in general, has been a study in the differences between Americans and English. A conversation was had a while back with an English friend and here's our conclusions... well, not conclusions, more ramblings:

It seems that the English are into having sex. Glorious sex. In whatever guise it comes - or not as the case may be. Now maybe it's New York, or maybe it's just that the times are a changin', but it seems that here and now, everyone's got a "thing". This one's into blondes with big tits, that one's into skinny, this one's into fat, S&M, etc etc. My friend's observation was that here, gay men are either tops or bottoms. Back home apparently it's more of a free-for-all.

So, peeps used to like drinking coffee. Now they like to drink a grande mocha 1% extra shot no whip whatever-the-fuck. Sex used to be just sex. Now, in this world of commodification and consumerism, you get to specify the exact sex you are looking for. Not "let's see what evolves", more "let's be clear before we even get naked".

I call it the Starbucks effect.

The obligatory back catalogue:
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Nerve Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

And now on to my daily knob: I was thinking bondage, then punk naturally, then all the punk bands I'd seen back in the day and then the ones I had a crush on. Settled on The Stranglers, since I had a crush on JJ Burnel, Hugh Cornwell and Dave Greenfield. Sorry Jet Black, you were always a bit pudgy for my tastes.
This takes me back to Ipswich Gaumont around 1980

Personals Drama: The dck trilogy part lll (Ultimate dck in my inbox!)

airheadgenius — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:31:00 GMT

(Read parts l and ll for a full explanation)

I've spent a lot of time daydreaming recently about my needs. I've not been demanding or sophisticated though as all I've managed to come up with is "man with big dick".

Be careful what you wish for.

This dude writes to me on the regular personals on nerve.com, not adultfriendfinder. That bit is important. He is very good looking and his email is witty and entertaining. Really funny actually and you know that's rare for a particular nationality who shall remain nameless so as not to piss off the bulk of my audience. Ha ha har says me.

I write back.

He writes again. This time he mentions the opening gambit on my profile. It says "Honey, it's long, brace yourself". See, many men write and say the profile is really long - I've told you this already - so I felt the need for a disclaimer. And, as an English chick, I am pretty much obliged to use double entendres wherever possible so my introductory sentence seemed like a fine opportunity. It is supposed to be sexual obviously, but in a haha cheeky way not in a slip me one immediately way.

He says "what if it IS really long?"

I thought it was a joke. I wrote back. He wrote again. Really really funny, but again with reference to a big one. A 10"-er as it happens.

It was an incongruous fact in the middle of this wildly amusing email, so again, I really paid it no mind.

But the following morning, I saw another email from him complete with 2 attachments. I could vaguely make out the shape even when they were 1/2" big. Oh no you di'nt I thought. But, oh yes he did. I donned my glasses for a better look.

Two close ups of a giant willie. A 10 incher for sure.

I wrote back "I am confident I can fit that in my apartment, but that's about it".

The end. (Ha ha, inadvertent funny)

Actually, there's a bit more. What possessed him? That's the part I don't get. He'd mentioned that he had a big schlong. I guess I'd ignored this boast, or confession since one that size might pose more than a few problems, but I hadn't asked to see it. I mean, where does one go from there? "Come on over and I'll sit on it" maybe? Let's meet for a drink is suddenly charged with visions of fountains of ejaculate. To me anyway. As far as I was concerned, it was a photo-sending version of Tourettes - an inexplicable outburst in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation.

The great big dick I could have tried to get over (groan) but he weirded me out and I offended him and now his profile is turned off.

Shame, he was a funny guy and, like I said, you don't meet many of them in these parts...

MORE dicks in my inbox Dicks in your inbox Read my Sodding Profile! Nerve Confessions: Herpes The Queen Confesses The Arse Man Cometh The Ass Play Chronicles The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection Bangin Ass Deformed Dicks Did I really dream that? Why I don't date Celebrities Fashionably late or just a slacker

Personals Drama: Dick Trilogy Part ll (More dicks in my inbox)

airheadgenius — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:04:00 GMT

This is part ll of the dick trilogy. Check out part l here or this will make even less sense than it should.

So, the dicks kept flying in until my box was full to capacity (thanks Finbar) What struck me most was not quantity, although it was abundant, but quality. There were some fine looking penii in the crowd: long straight and girthy (ooo, new word) and nary a deformed or diseased one amongst them. What of the man behind the dick photo was the thought that kept popping into my mind. A face and body to match these delicious dicks would be nothing to sneeze at. But, let's be real, Ron Jeremy's dick is about a hundred times better looking than his face and a million times better looking than his doughy old body.

And thus an email was sent.

I picked the best of the bunch and wrote to it's owner. "I am new to this and appreciate your email, but can't take this any further without seeing what the rest of you looks like. Please send more photos".

A day of suspense passed, whilst myriad new dicks came in, and then the reply. (I must confess that at this juncture, the quality had gone down just a tad. The smoothness had gone a bit veiny. The uniform color blotchy and, sorry to the owner, but one had a distinct listing to the left. The first hit of heroin is apparently the best and maybe this is the path of sex addicts trying to recapture that perfect first time. In any case, dicks had gone down. As it were)

But I digress... He wrote: "I don't usually do this, but since you've asked here are more pictures"

GahhahahahhhhhhhhH!!!!

The man was magnificent. A 6' hard body of rippling muscle. Whilst not stunning, his face was perfectly pleasant. He looked like he could fuck for America in the next Olympics.

Gaahahahhahaha again!

Because I had no intention of ever contacting him, whether he'd been gorgeous or sporting a face like a bag o' spanners. Not because I don't do hook ups due to some arbitrary standard of morality, but because I live with children and my libido has to take a backseat to parental responsibility. It was, as asked by "Pants" the other day, somewhat of an intellectual exercise. (I use "somewhat" as a disclaimer since the intellectual element is arguable)

He remained but a beautiful beast equipped with a tremendous tool and not a thing that I could do about it. Sigh.

And there you have it ladies and gents. Maybe it was a one off, but there are gorgeous men touting their wares on adultfriendfinder. My curiosity satisfied, I went about my usual life.

Weeks passed and suddenly it occurred to me that I had not written back a "thanks but no" to the gentleman in question. His first big bold dick correspondence had been macho and confident, but on reflection, his follow up email with the requested photos had been humble and almost shy. I realised that I had accepted him on the basis of his dick (almost another one Finbar) and rejected him on the rest of his body! And how often does that happen???

I felt like crap. I had to explain. I launched adultfriendfinder and went to the sign in page. But what the fuck was my user name? Blonde something or other. English blonde something or other??? Ah, fuck it, I had no idea whatsoever. I tried to retrieve my name using my password, I was feeling badly at this point, but couldn't remember that either. I gave up.

And so, if you are reading this dear man with the big thick dick, perfect body and kind eyes, I apologise. It really was me, not you.

Read my Sodding Profile! Nerve Confessions: Herpes The Queen Confesses The Arse Man Cometh The Ass Play Chronicles The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection Bangin Ass Deformed Dicks Did I really dream that? Why I don't date Celebrities Fashionably late or just a slacker

Personals Drama: Dicks in your inbox, or Are romantic relationships becoming obsolete?

airheadgenius — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:50:00 GMT

As mentioned, I do love a good double entendre.

(Full disclosure: my regulars know this is one from the archives, but bear with me. There's a couple follow ups. A dick trilogy if you will)

I read an article in Business 2.0 about AdultFriendFinder and was somewhat surprised to find that it is one of the fastest growing online communities and ranks in the top 100 of most popular websites in the US. This I had to see.....

I created a user name. Man, that was quite a challenge given that there are SO many people on it and so few names left to choose from. All the obvious ones are gone. Forget anything with blonde in the title - the competition is fierce. Finally, I managed to think of something available, created a one line profile and - boom- I was in. Tits and dicks abound - as one would expect - complete with myriad claims of sexual prowess. A common theme seemed to be the desire to CAPITALIZE EVERYTHING and punctuate with dozens of exclaimation points. FREAKY AND HORNY!!!!!!!! for example.

Cut to the following morning. As I drank my tea and ate my cornflakes, I remembered the profile and so checked out my inbox. Hence my title. More dicks than I have ever seen at one time and certainly more than I'd seen during breakfast. A penis plethora. An abundance of appendage. Dick-a-licious (I've re-spelled him to protect his privacy) had a giant penis and a dubious shot of his bathroom floor. Note to dick photographers - get someone else to take it. You cannot do it yourself. But if you must, please clean your bathroom floor. Or trim your toenails.

I know it's a hook up site, but still, the speed at which the dicks popped up took my breath away. (Kinda rolling with the double entendre thing - sue me). My profile was not explicit. It had one line "looking for a friend" and no photo.

In amongst the profiles, I found earnest descriptions of men looking for love. Wrong site for you my love. You with your earnest smile and Kmart jacket.

So, what I am wondering is.... we all have friends, family, colleagues to hang out with. And now there's an incredibly easy way to get laid. It's like ordering in - just IM one of those big dicks and have them come right over. (Must stop with the double entendre. This is not Viz)

Are romantic relationships becoming obsolete?

Thoughts people.....

Back Catalog: Read my Sodding Profile! Nerve Confessions: Herpes The Queen Confesses The Arse Man Cometh The Ass Play Chronicles The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection Bangin Ass Deformed Dicks Did I really dream that? Why I don't date Celebrities Fashionably late or just a slacker

Personals Drama: Would you please read my sodding profile!!!

airheadgenius — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 04:42:00 GMT

I go to great lengths to describe myself accurately on my Nerve personals profile. Many would say it's over long, but I don't care. It amused me to write it and plenty of men have written and said they enjoyed it too, so I have no particular reason to change it.

But even if I did, does the content really matter? Apparently, it matters to those who find me entertaining, but so many men read it, or at least glance over the details and manage to miss out one very salient fact. Well, two to be precise.

I have children.

It's not written in code or buried deep at the bottom of the page. It's right there near the top, clearly stated "Have children: Yes. We live together". And what d'ya know beautiful people? That means that I've got children and, yep you've guessed it, we live together.

So this bloke writes to me yesterday expressing an interest. I check out his profile and he seems pretty cool, is an appropriate age for me, decent looking, but on further inspection of the "You" box, I see that he's said no to his date having children.

I write reply and point out that he seems to have missed the small print and that I actually do have offspring. He then writes back and says that he's not interested because "I grew up a stepchild and it sucked. I just want to be honest."

Now, I have no problem that he doesn't want to date a woman with kids. Back before I had mine, I wouldn't have dated a man with kids either, so it's pointless getting all high horse-ish about it now. But, surely a man that experienced life as a step child would be the perfect candidate as a step father. Since he knew exactly how it sucked, he could figure out how to make it not suck for someone else. Right the wrongs so to speak. The man doesn't owe me an explanation, but if he is going to proffer one, surely he can come up with something with a little more credibility. If I was a teacher, I would be sorely disappointed to read "my dog ate my homework"

Another man last week missed the fact of my two children and, when it was pointed out, he declined also. This time with "my last girlfriend had a child and that didn't work out so..." Yeah, complete with the last sentence hanging ",,,"

Now, if it didn't work out with that chick, and she presumably was female, did he stop dating women? His brand of logic would necessitate it no? If it's a given that all women are the same and all children are the same and all dynamics of human relationships are the same, then that's a fair extrapolation my friend. But given that none of that is true, it's just another dog ate my homework line.

The thing is with both these chumps, their inability to a) actually read my profile and b) extend their own train of thought would've been a major deal breaker for me, so in that respect it's an all round winning situation.

Over to you, Date Machiners, post your "my dog ate my homework" excuses here.

Back Catalog: Nerve Confessions: Herpes The Queen Confesses The Arse Man Cometh The Ass Play Chronicles The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection Bangin Ass Deformed Dicks Did I really dream that? Why I don't date Celebrities Fashionably late or just a slacker

Personals Drama: I'm Not Cupid

spjv840 — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Anyone who has had a dating profile or done any kind of online dating knows the different kinds of annoyances that come along with it. The mindless winks, the one sentence "Your hot" messages complete with bad grammar/spelling, the "let's meet up for drinks" guy who thinks he'll get in your pants on the first date, the obviously married man who is trying to get a little side-canoodle while the Missus is away, etc.

I think, for me, the biggest pet peeve that I've encountered is a toss up between the persistent a-hole who doesn't get the message that I'm not interested and the guy who asks "Well, if you're attached, do you have any slim, single friends that you could tell me about and possibly introduce me too?" Um, no.

If I wouldn't agree to meet you myself, what makes you think I would tell all my single (and slim, don't forget the slim part) friends about you? Do I look like friggen Cupid here?

I wouldn't even agree to hook up a friend with someone offline, why would I even take on the duty of playing cupid with a complete stranger, who for all I know has a small pecker? Do you know how awful I would feel for hooking up a friend with an underendowed man? That's a lifetime of guilt right there, folks. Perhaps if they could find a creative and unique way to ask if I might know someone who would be interested in, maybe, creating a Nerve profile and, maybe, sending you a message. But this whole Cupid thing just doesn't work with me.

And then there's always the pet peeve of meeting that one person who pretty much floats my virtual boat, complete with Bukowski quotes, brains, cute profile pics and completely able to carry on a conversation beyond two sentences, but who lives on the other side of the country and finds me when I'm unavailable. I hate when that happens.

Related posts: Date Machine: You're Not My Type
Sex Machine: The Butt Sex Bandit
Sex Machine: Hot Sex Vs. Bad Sex
Celebrity Confession: David Duchovny is a Sex Addict
Celebrity Confession: Jessica Simpson Has The Perfect Guy
Of Bag, Baggage and Confessions