date machine : spjv840

Sex Machine: The Kink In My Hair (and other weird fetishes)

spjv840 — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:38:00 GMT

When it comes to fetishes, I'm pretty vanilla. I'm not into toe sucking, toe licking, being whipped, beaten, choked, donkey punched, being pierced by large needles in strange places. I don't get off on latex, being watched or watching others, orgies sound more like a huge collection of germs than a good time and people with stumps do not turn me on. F*ck me in the ass and I'm happy. But not everyone is so easily satisfied...

I saw an ad on craigslist recently in the "strictly platonic" section (because we all know how well that rule sticks) from a man looking for women with medium to long hair who would be willing to let him wash their hair and nothing else. And he's willing to pay! I'm imagining a new kind of hair salon here where women and men go in and get paid to have their hair washed by people with kinky hair washing fetishes.

My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go on a search of various sexual fetishes to see how weird some of these get. Strap in, or strap on, it might get bumpy.

Things that turn some people on, in no specific order:

Vorarephilia - eating or being eaten by others; usually swallowed whole, in one piece

Vomerophilia - being attracted to VOMIT

Hybristophilia - criminals, particularly for cruel or outrageous crimes

Coprophilia - Poop play

Diaperism - attraction to diapers or people wearing diapers

Frotteurism - rubbing against a non-consenting person

Apotemnophilia - being an amputee

Lactaphilia - attraction to human breast milk

Mammaphilia - female breasts (.....)

Ondinism - pee play

Peodeiktophilia - exposing one's penis in public or non-consenting person

And then it gets really weird. There are sites dedicated to:

- Trampling (women walking over men, usually in heels)
- Girls eating sandwiches
- Gut flopping (use your imagination)
- Girls sneezing
- Crippled women

And don't get me started on Objectum Sexuals, or people who are in intimate, emotional, sexual relationships with inanimate objects.

Sex Machine: Bigger Isn't Always Better

spjv840 — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 13:52:00 GMT

I once dated a man who had a very large urethra opening. The kind of large where you can't help but stare at it in surprise for a second before realizing that maybe you shouldn't be staring at it with a look of shock on your face. That sucker was BIG, man. I could probably have stuck my thumb up there, but I'm not into that kind of thing (NSFW).

I've never seen anything like it and quite honestly, hope I never do again. Not to be mean or anything, but it was really unattractive - like a big eye staring right at you. I remember catching a glimpse of pre-ejaculate fluid pouring out of there and thinking "EW, that's going to be in me in any second now".

My question is this: Why do some men have larger urethra openings than others? Does it get stretched? Or is it like ears and noses and it just comes (...) in different sizes?

Have you had experiences with larger than normal urethras?

Sex Machine: Drunk Men Do It.....Better?

spjv840 — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 13:22:00 GMT

It figures this survey would come out a week after I decide to give up booze for good.

According to this survey by Western Australia's Keogh Institute for Medical Research drunk men are better in the sack than the sober fellas.

"We found that, compared to those who have never touched alcohol, many people do benefit from some alcohol, including some people who drink outside the guidelines," Dr Chew said.

Is this the universe playing a cruel joke on me?

After studying the effects of alcohol on 158 Australian men researchers found that men who drank within the recommended guidelines had 30% fewer problems during sex than their sober peers. Clair Weaver of The Sunday Telegraph said that "Even binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who never drank, although this type of drinking can cause other health problems."

And to fuck with my universe even more, researchers said that ex-drinkers were the ones with the highest rate of problems in the sack.

It's not all that surprising, I suppose. After a few drinks inhibitions fall, the sex is hot and everyone ends up (at least somewhat) satisfied because there's no holding back. When you have too many drinks the only thing that falls is the man's limp dick and the woman's hopes for the night.

The article went on to say that "After other risk factors were excluded, weekend drinkers, high-risk drinkers and those who exceeded alcohol-intake guidelines had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who drank one day a week or less. Ex-drinkers, however, had the highest risk."

So what happens to all those other studies that said alcohol turns a man's penis soft and makes drunk sex sloppy? Gimme a minute...I'm trying to think of all the drunk sex I had versus the sober sex......................Jesus, they might be on to something here.

Thoughts?

Sex Machine: Coming Too Soon - Normal or Just Another Reason For Some to B*tch?

spjv840 — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Some women get mad when their partners come too quickly. I think "coming too quickly" is another reason for bitchy women to bitch at their men.

I've had lovers in the past who actually apologize for their quick release and I always tell them 'Don't worry about it' and get this -- I actually mean it! You don't see women apologizing when they come after five minutes of oral sex or sex, so why do men apologize for it? Is it really that big of a deal to women?

Personally, and this might just be me, but I'd rather my man come after five minutes of fucking me than dragging it out one or two hours and then being done for the night. I remember some guys who just want to fuck all night long and after three hours it's really not so fun anymore. My vag hurts, I'm tired and probably nearing hangover time and the last thing I want to do is be bouncing around on a dick for three hours.

I can understand how some women can get mad if the dick isn't even out of the pants yet before it shoots its load, then you might have problems and reason to be a bit miffed at the situation, but getting mad at a man for coming after fucking you for a few minutes is just uptight bitch territory. Do you think a man would get mad at a woman for coming too soon? Doubtful.

I come quickly, usually through oral sex or a good finger fuck. Sure, sometimes it takes me a while if I'm stressed or just not in the mood, but the majority of the time, five to six minutes and I'm done and ready for round two.

What are your thoughts on coming "too quickly", Nerve readers?

Sex Machine: Jack Off Of All Trades

spjv840 — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:40:00 GMT

I'm bored with my masturbation routine. It's always the same thing and doesn't last more than ten minutes. What's the average time when you jack off, guys and gals? Do you have a jerk off routine?

I usually masturbate 1-2 times a week, give or take. One week it could be every day twice a day, and sometimes I can go weeks without petting the pussy. But lately, once a week is usually satisfying enough but the intensity of the actual orgasm the last few weeks is barely enough to utter a whimper of satisfaction. I'm in a masturbation rut. Maybe I'm just looking at the wrong porn videos.

I always hated the term 'jilling off' for female masturbation. It makes me think of a bunch of angry feminists trying to equalize pulling the meat. It doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with a woman "jacking off"! (If you're bored, there's a list of terms for female masturbation here - some are funny, some are just plain lame and none of them I would ever use, except maybe "cunt cuddling".)

So tell me, how long does your masturbation session, whether your choking the salami or twiddling the kitty, last?

Sex Machine: Artists' and their Models

spjv840 — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:28:00 GMT

I used to be an art model. There's kind of this unwritten rule that the models and artists shouldn't interact, at least not during the class. When I was posing for artists usually at the end of the session or on breaks, the artists would talk amongst themselves, and some would come up and tell me I do great poses, etc. I woudl usually just wrap my robe around myself and walk around looking at the sketches from the night and notice how others view me.

A lot of people, usually the ignorant ones, think that if you become an art model, you obviously must love your body. It may be true for others, but it wasn't for me. When I signed up for the gig I hated my body and couldn't imagine being able to get up on a table, naked, for three hours so a bunch of rich, smug artists could practice their skill. However, the money was great and I figured if I didn't like it, I cold just leave. Turns out, I loved it so much that I accepted offers for private sessions with a few artists from the area.

One night, during a longish pose, a new guy came into the class. He was dressed all in black, had curly black hair (a definite weakness) and took a seat close to where I posed. Up until that point, I wasn't aware of my nakedness, tits and all on display, under a huge spotlight Anyone who has posed for artists knows there's nothing sexy or sexual about it. It's long, hard and tiring work - if you don't believe me, you try holding a pose for 30 minutes and see how sore you feel the next morning. But when the new guy came in, I became aware of the fact that I was naked and how close he was and how his eyes lingered on me a bit longer than everyone else's. During the break he offered to show me his drawings from the night and it was apparent he was very talented, even though I noticed he made my ass slightly larger than I liked it. After the class ended and I was dressed once again, the new guy, we'll call him the Artist, came up to me and made small talk. Asking me if I'd be modeling next week, if I lived around here, etc. By the week after we were boning, in classic Model & Artist style, up against the wall of the prop room surrounded by pillows, an upright-piano, endless miles of curtains and all sorts of other junk that was stored in there.

The week after I had to cancel because my period arrived and the last thing I felt like doing was standing in front of a spotlight for three hours while my uterus freaked out. When I returned the week after, the Artist wasn't there. I'm sure he thought I cancelled because he figured I couldn't face him after our post-class fuck in the prop room, but when I asked one of the students in the class, they told me that he was only here temporarily and that he had gone back to the city.

Too bad I don't know his name. I'd totally look him up on Facebook.

Sex Machine: Real Sex VS Anal/Oral Sex (A Reader Survey)

spjv840 — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:30:00 GMT

It's never truly the holidays without a little sex talk around the table.

A quickie to start off the last week of 2008:

Is oral and anal sex considered "real sex"? What do you think Nerve readers??

Nerve Machine - How I Love Thee And Your Beautiful People

spjv840 — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Nerve has some of the most beautiful people you'll find on a personals site. I recently had to do research on all the other personals sites for an article I'm writing and I can tell you that the pickings here at Nerve are a whole other planet.I mean, yeah they all turn out to be pretentious asshats, but damn, aren't they nice to look at.The last few weeks I've been getting messages from the most lovely men. There's one in particular...sigh. If I were single I'd be on him like white on snow.

On that note, here are some things that I love about Nerve personals:

- The beautiful people

- The fact that you can find people from just about everywhere

- Profile layout, definitely one of the best profiles you can have on a personals site (except maybe OKCupid..)

- It's easy to find people who can have an intelligent conversation or at least folks who have a life outside their apartment door

Things that I hate:

- The general doucheyness of the pretentious asshats mentioned above (you know what I mean, you can probably find a few of them lurking around here)

- The "flirt" feature. Why oh why must they have this? Please don't send me winks, I just delete them - unless you're ridiculously good looking.

- It costs a lot of $$$ to have a gold member account (one of the perks for writing here - it's free)

And in case you were wondering, the personals site, plentyoffish, scored the lowest of all the places to meet your mate in my article. If you're interested in reading it, please contact me!

So good job, Nerve! You're definitely the best personals site on the web!

Happy holidays and don't drink and drive.

Sex Machine: I F*ck On The First Date

spjv840 — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:50:00 GMT

And if I don't, I at least try to have a hardcore makeout session.

The night I met my boyfriend, we had sex. The guy I was seeing before him, we had sex not long after meeting (and by not long i mean, a couple, maybe three hours, later). I can't remember who else right now, but I've had more "first date" sex than not. Oh, Produce Boy too. When DreamBoy and I finally got together, we were together THREE WEEKS before we had sex. I don't know why we waited so long, honestly. I don't believe in waiting. I don't see it as making the guy wait for it...I see it as denying myself some good old lovin' and why the hell would I do that to myself? Exactly.

I think a lot of people would agree that, when it comes to sex I'm like a guy. I'm capable of being completely unattached to whomever I'm boning and I prefer it that way. Sex doesn't make me instantly fall in love with anyone - thank god for that! In fact, I have to laugh remembering back to a few "morning afters" when the guy was still there and I just wanted them gone. If I don't offer to make you coffee or iniatiate a round of morning sex, don't stick around. While I obviously love my boyfriend and love our sex life, we don't have emotional sex nor do we make love - we fuck. We have sex straight up. There's no post-coitus cuddle time (except for the rare times when I'm feeling girly or have PMS, but rarely), no powerful connection moment where we realize, as we gaze into each others eyes, that we're going to be together forever even after we die and the angels will play their flutes and banjos for us in the afterlife. And I think that's why I love him so much - because he's the exact same way. Sex is sex. I remember one of my best friend's telling me how every time her and her boyfriend have sex, it's emotional and that often times she just wants to cry with how beautiful it is. Of course, I'm not denying that sex isn't emotional..sometimes - it can be beautiful and sometimes we all need to "make love".

When DreamBoy and I had sex for the first time, it was emotional. It was a long time coming...years and years. I had waited for it since I was 14. Ten or so years later it finally happened, so yeah - I wanted to cry a bit.

The folks who insist on waiting make me laugh. If you're scared of disease, use a condom. If you're scared he's going to think you're a slut for sleeping with him on the first date, or vice-versa, he isn't and if he does - so what, you're having sex on the first date - do you really care? If you think making him wait will make him want you more, it won't. He'll just go screw someone else or watch some porn until you put out and probably bitch to his friends that the broad he's seeing hasn't put out yet. That's what I'd do, anyway. Or at least, that's what I've done.

Readers, do youput out within hours of meeting someone? Or do you hold off for a few days....weeks........MONTHS? Let me know, I'm curious!

Sex Machine: Mmmm...Morning Wood

spjv840 — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:42:00 GMT

I've actually met men and women who don't like morning sex. This boggles my mind. Firstly, a guy wakes up with an erection a good deal of the time. For the most part, it has nothing to do with sex, just a need to pee - BUT it is a hard penis. Who the hell passes up a hard penis when it's shoved up against you in bed? Not I, for one.

Secondly - morning sex is a great way to start the day. Nothing says "TODAY IS GOING TO BE GREAT!" more than a pot of coffee waiting for you and a man between your legs before 8 a.m.

One guy I briefly dated last year was a total morning sex guy. As soon as he opened his eyes he was all over me, and got me to see the beauty of an early morning sex romp before you even get out of bed. But here's the thing - I have a few rules when it comes to morning sex.

Miss B's Morning Sex Rules:

1) The hangover rule. If the room is spinning and I complain about having to vomit, kindly remove your face and your penis from anywhere near me.

2) No mouth kissing. Sometimes I break this rule, but for the most part - no. I don't like morning breath, my own or anyone else's. Sharing morning breath is not attractive and will probably make me gag. If you're intent on lots of kissing during morning sex, go brush your teeth and then bring me my toothbrush and some water so I can brush mine without having to get up and we can quickly resume the morning bone. Or at least pop a piece of gum in your mouth real quick.

3) No early morning butt sex. Obviously. If I haven't had my coffee yet and haven't taken my morning pee, my ass is off limits.

4) If the room is too bright, it ain't going to happen. Me + sunshine+ just waking up = Ha Ha Ha.

Other than that, I love morning sex.

This morning, though, I had an unexpected surprise and a first, if I remember correctly. Barely after I opened my eyes, my boyfriend was going down on me before I even knew what was going on. All I'll say about this one is that it's highly recommended, and it definitely changes your outlook for the day. Even the icicles hanging from the electric line look happy.

Sex Machine: Hot Robot Sex

spjv840 — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:49:00 GMT

So this guy in Japan has built a real life robot and named her Aiko. She's pretty hot, for a robot, and she knows her creator's favorite drink, she'll slap you if you grab her robot tittyand she can be programmed to have orgasms. She also cleans house.

The guy, Le Trung, says he built her because he's too busy to go out and find a wife the old fashioned way. Imagine the women he could have met while he was slaving away on this robotic life-partner?

This kind of thing skeeves me out. I'm all for robots, but that part in the video where he grabs her boob just leaves me feeling dirty. Like, why did he even think in the first place to grab a robot boob? You know he's hitting that every night too. But how in the world do you have sex with a robot? Do you put a vagina-simulator in there? Do you slide your pecker inside two cold slabs of metal? How the hell does it work?

He says, "I want to make her look, feel and act as human as possible so she can be the perfect companion." Dude, that's all fine and wonderful, but it IS a robot in the long run - no matter how well you make her lady parts.

But really, who am I to say anything. If you have the skills to build such a thing, you might as well do it. At least
when you're tired of her you can shut her off, or lock her up and you don't have to hear her nag. Does she give blow jobs? I wonder.

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Date Machine: Surviving the Holi-Daze

spjv840 — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:34:00 GMT

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but I don't like Christmas. I try not to celebrate any holiday, mostly because I just don't care. I'm not Christian, Jesus doesn't mean anything to me except for the odd times I try to wonder what kind of lay he was. (Come on, it's Jesus! He had to be great - alas, he is not the reason for my season.) With that said, I always tend to find myself with men whose family Christmas means something.

This is OK, I mean, I'm not going to play scrooge and ruin someone's Christmas, but I'm so not into Christmas dinners and get-togethers and what-have-you. My first boyfriend who I spent 6.5 years with, his family didn't do a whole lot and it wasn't that big of a deal when I didn't go to their Christmas supper, mainly because the thought of a sit down dinner like this makes me vomit and stress out for two-weeks. He said it was OK that I didn't go and didn't make a big deal out of it - of course, now I'm sure he did mind but just didn't tell me (you can tell me now). My first Christmas back in Canada was when I was with DreamBoy) and things were starting to go south for us already. I was not having a good holiday season and it was truly a holiDAZE, if you catch my drift. He had known of my little dinner phobia beforehand, and I told him I didn't think I'd be able to go to his Christmas/birthday dinner at his parents. I was feeling depressed, ready to die/kill, and couldn't stop crying for various reasons. We broke up the day after Christmas.

This year is a little different. My boyfriend won't stand for me "being scared" to go to a Christmas dinner. Plus, I really like his family. Really like them. It's kind of like they have adopted me into their family and it feels great, honestly. They're a big, loud crazy bunch and while I'm scared out of my wits about going this year, it's not as nerve-wracking as it was last year (you know, being the new girlfriend at the table - nothing more awkward than that, no matter how many Irish coffees you have!). Oh yes, and they like to serve a LOT of wine. I love them.

With the exception of the day-after break up with DreamBoy, I've usually had pretty good Christmas+Boyfriend experiences. There's never been a disaster or a horrible gift bought or anything of that sort. I always read about these horrible Christmas dating experiences that women go through and I think "God people like to over-react about anything!" It's just freaking Christmas, people.

With that said, what are YOUR worst Christmas dating experiences? And what did you do to cope?

Sex Machine: Sex Without A Condom Is So Much Better

spjv840 — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:34:00 GMT

I'll be honest, since everyone loves honesty. I cannot stand condoms. This is nothing new, obviously. Few people actually like condoms, but still use them because of the importance of safe sex and unwanted pregnancies.

Back in the day, when I was single, and enjoying one-night stands and random sex, I would use condoms........but not all the time. There is nothing more mood-killing to me than when you're about to have hot sex and a guy suddenly says, "Oh baby, can you put the condom on - it's so much more sexy when you do it!" Uhhhh...seriously? I've had to this a few times and I hate it. It's not my penis, it's yours. YOU put the goddamn condom on it. I'll admit to tossing the condom aside a couple times and saying "screw it" to safe sex for a night. The ironic thing about that is that from all the unsafe sex I've had in the past (oh relax, it wasn't that much), I never caught a single STD (been tested numerous times and nada) or got pregnant (my uterus prefers to wait for when I'm in a relationship to get knocked up first, apparently). Of course, this is just luck on my part. It's not something I would encourage people to do, ever, obviously, but it's certainly not something I can say I practice with 100% effort therefore I can't preach about it.

The thing is, I find condoms just really disgusting. They smell, they make noise, they scrunch up, they take forever to put on, men look awful putting them on with their face all serious while trying to not lose their erection. Not to mention that sex without a condom is better than any other sex around.

Now that I'm in a long-term relationship, I have a new type of birth control that allows me the pleasure of condom-less sex all the time. I love it. I don't have to worry about always making sure I have a well-stocked condom drawer anymore. I don't have to purchase $20 boxes of condoms in a hurry late at night at the corner store while dude waits on my couch, stroking his wang until I come back, condoms in hand. I don't have to bite my tongue as I roll the condom down a dick, and then have the smell of latex on my fingers - we all know how attractive that smell is.

It's funny now that I think back to all the guys I've slept with - there has only ever been one guy who was consistent with the condom use and it was the guy you'd least expect it from too. The most slacker, messy-haired stoner kid you'd ever meet, but what a dick that one had. It could make a grown woman cry.

Please note: I'm not encouraging unsafe sex, so kidnly don't get your briefs in a bunch. Thanks.

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spjv840 — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:50:00 GMT

Yesterday while trying to make my boss millions, I got interrupted by an msn message from the guy I wrote about before who I had hooked up with via Facebook. The one with the fiance. Apparently, they broke up a while ago. Good for him, she looked like an absolute witch, but that's not the point. He kept going on about how he and I were meant to be together, how he had wanted me since high school and that should count for something, he says. He also went on asking me constantly if I was really happy - he would not take my "Yes" for an answer.

Finally I told him that I had zero intention of ever seeing him again (unless it's strictly as friends, and even then), let alone cheating on my boyfriend with him, or anyone, for that matter. Then he came out with this gem:

"It's not cheating if it's with someone you're supposed to be with"

Oh really? This is news to me! Anyone else feel this way? So according to him, he didn't cheat on his fiance when he boned me back in July 2007, because we were "MEANT TO BE TOGETHER". Ok, I'm meant to be with Jason Statham and Johnny Depp, will I be cheating on anyone if I bone all of them? Apparently not!

Readers, put down the turkey leg and tell me, what are your thoughts? When is cheating "not" cheating and when is it?

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spjv840 — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:22:00 GMT

"As I barrel towards 30, I see so many friends panicking and settling. Fuck that! I would rather die alone than waste two people's lives."

Exactly. Why settle? I don't understand this fear of being alone past a certain age (people eager to procreate not included). Why settle for being in a mediocre relationship that doesn't completely fulfil you, when you could keep on living and have a good time and maybe happen to meet someone who is exactly what you're looking for. Screw settling. Settling is for douchebags or people who can't face being alone.

"I probably fucked up one of the best relationships I have ever been in. Stupid stupid me!"

At least you realized it now and hopefully you won't fuck things up again next time! Easier said than done, I know.

"I might've accidentally given you lip herpes (cold sores)when we made out the other day. And I went down on you for like five minutes--I pray I didn't give you herpes for real from that."

Uhhhh, If you're a man, I hope you're man enough to tell this person that you might have given them herpes. If you're a woman, hopefully you have the balls to fess up. Either way, stupid move.

"im a slut."

Aren't we all? Is that such a bad thing? Unless you're the bad, skanky kind of slut, but if you're the "I'm a woman and I like to fuck" slut, party on. What you should worry about is the improper use of grammar. Just saying.

"I have a hard time interpreting whether your behavior is typical of a guy... or typical of a douchebag."

Try this: Make a list of behavior traits of a guy and one of douchebag behavior traits. Should narrow it down pretty quickly.

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Date Machine: Hooking Up Via Facebook and A Reader Survey

spjv840 — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:04:00 GMT

I don't know what the attraction is with Facebook. Yeah, it's a great way to meet up with old friends, although mostly it's a lot of "Let's get together sometime!" that never seems to follow through. I've had old high school classmates requesting to be friends - I say classmates because using the term "friend" would be an asbolute lie. Just because I borrowed a pencil from you in geography class in seventh grade doesn't necessarily warrant a dire need to be added to my friend's list.

Back when I first discovered Facebook, one of the first people I added was this guy I used to have a big crush on back in seventh grade. I was never too sure of what his feelings were for me back at the time since basically he treated me like crap and we were, what, 13 years-old? But it was consistent. Why go through the trouble of picking on someone so much if you hate them? Fast forward about ten years. Dude starts sending me messages on Facebook, mentioing wanting to get together for a beer or three and of course, he mentions his fiance. Why married/taken men are always so eager to bed me, I will never know - most likely because their partners are uptight b*tches, but that's not important.

After a couple weeks of flirty messages and confessions of how much he liked me in high school and how he always thought we would get married (what!?), one night during a rough patch with his fiance, who had kicked him out - he taxi'd it over to my place where we split a bottle of wine and a few beers. A few hours later we were doing the nasty in my small single-sized bed. It wasn't the greatest of sex because I'm pretty sure he was feeling guilty about boning his hot high-school crush while still technically another girl's guy. He crashed out at my place for the weekend, before returning to his thin-lipped fiance with his tail between his legs. A few weeks later I got another message from him wanting to see me again, but I had moved on to greener pastures.

The green pastures just happened to be another Facebook hook up, although one that never should have happened. This one also happened to be another high school friend, although not ever a crush or possible bed partner - this was just another party friend from back in the day. We agreed to meet up one night when a bunch of us were getting together to watch a friend's band show and have a few brews for old time's sake (at least that was MY intention). After having consumed one too many beers (me) and one too many rum-in-cokes (him) we ended up making out in the cemetary on the way back to his place.

Of course, it was a huge mistake. The sex was sloppy and he was basically the kind of guy who lays back, arms behind his head and expects the woman to do all the work. After an unsuccessful go at it, we eventually passed out, his arm draped over me. When I woke up the next morning, I was still fuzzy around the edges and feeling the effects of the night before - yet we went on to have slightly improved morning sex. He came - I did not. I was then treated to the proof of my mistake when he proudly got out of bed, buck ass naked and continued to walk around and I realized he was a lot more hairer than I cared for, his ass was saggy and he had devloped quite the gut since the night before.

I can honestly say that I have not been satisfied by my Facebook hook ups.

Fellow Nerve readers/writers -

Have you had successful facebook hook ups?

Were they with strangers or old high school classmates/friends?

Would you do it again or have you learned your lesson?

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Nerve Confessions: Celebrity Threesomes

spjv840 — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:32:00 GMT

The Nerve Confession of the Day is: "I want to be in a three way with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert."

Who would you choose, readers?

If I had to choose two celebrities to have a threesome with, those would probably be my choices as well. But since this anonymous confessor already chose them, I'll go with my next two choices:

Vincent Gallo and Christina Ricci.

OR

Christina Ricci and Winona Ryder/Keira Knightley (when she wasn't so skinny)

Johnny Depp and Vin Diesel (snicker)

Oh the things I would do to that man.

Ok, last one...Jason Statham AND Vin Diesel.

Sometimes a gal just wants a big hunk of a man. Or two.

Who are two celebs you'd gladly fold yourself into crazy positions for?

Recent posts: Nerve Confessions: The Man Edition
Sex Machine: Your First Time (A Reader Survey)
Love Machine: I'm Not the Marrying Kind..Or Am I?
Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A Bitch Edition
Nerve Confessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Nerve Confessions: The Man Edition

spjv840 — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:30:00 GMT

"is the human penis so strange?"

This was clearly submitted by a man. Yes, it is strange. It's the strangest body part ever, with exception of the armpit, which is a topic for a whole different day. The penis is able to cause endless pleasure, as well as pain, emotional trauma (have you ever seen the face of a man who can't get it up?) and not to mention, life changes. Sometimes they are happy and upbeat and sometimes it just wants to be left alone - but it's never really too sure about the last one. The owner of the penis could be tired and passed out, meanwhile the penis is wide awake and ready to party. So yes, it is strange. But we still love it.

"Wearing tighty whities makes you look like you are wearing diapers! It's terrible and I hate seeing it. Start wearing boxers, or get better fitting briefs."

I have a rule. Two rules, actually. No man I date should wear tight whities, or briefs in general. They are unattractive and just gross all around. The most beautiful man in the world (IE: Johnny Depp) could prance around in tighty whities and I would not find it appealing in the least. The second rule is no socks on during sex if the rest of your body is naked. Men should take note. Neither of these two things are sexy. Boxer briefs, on the other hand, are always a surefire way to get into a woman's pants. Especially if you know how to look sexy in them.

"I am so sick of seeing those American Apparel briefs every time I get a guy's pants off."

Ew, yeah. I'd probably walk out of the room if I found out the man was wearing anything American Apparel.

"What's the deal with dry hand jobs? So many women I date do that. A little bit of lubricant would go such a long way, and that just seems basic."

"A hand job delivered with skill requires no lubricant."

I have to agree with the person who said that a handjob done with skill requires no lubricant, although a little lube is always a bit more fun. Honestly, though, I don't think it has anything to do with skill when it comes down to it, but it depends on the penis in question. A dick with foreskin usually enjoys an unlubed handjob while foreskin-less willy's like a little lube action. A little saliva can go a long way, as well - skin or no skin.

"I'm sick of hipsters. You're just as conformist. Just conforming to something else. If you're over 35 and still a hardcore Burner picking up on 20-somethings, without real success in your "art" and no other real job, you need a life. Grow up. Nothing is more pathetic than a holier than thou aging SF hipster."

Yes! Ha ha! Just had to throw that one in there. Couldn't agree more. It's also time to retire the horrid "skinny jeans" trend.

"Is it just me or are crotchless panties just so not sexy"

I don't know why I included this in the Man edition of nerve confessions, but I wanted to reply. Crotchless panties are not sexy. They remind me of something Anna Nicole would wear while eating Cheet-os and drinking a Bud while watching WWF Raw on TNT. Not sexy.

Recent posts: Sex Machine: Your First Time - A Reader Survey
Love Machine: I'm Not The Marrying Kind..Or Am I?
Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A Bitch Edition
Nerve Confessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?

Sex Machine: Your First Time (A Reader Survey)

spjv840 — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 12:54:00 GMT

What do you remember from the first time you had sex?

Who was it with?

How old were you?

If you're female, was it painful? If you're male, do you remember the girl complaining about it being painful?

How long did you wait until you had sex again after that?

Was it "special" and "meaningful" or was it just sex at the time?

Did anything awkward happen (besides the whole natural awkwardness of first time sex, like pre-mature ejaculation, etc)?

I remember my first time surprisingly well. I was seventeen, it was New Year's Eve 1999 and by the time 2000 rolled in I had my first dick in me. It hurt, a lot. I had been going out/living with my boyfriend at the time for three months prior to that. This was back in the day when kids obviously waited. If I remember correctly, there was a couple hours rest and then we had sex again. I don't really remember anything particularly awkward besides the whole natural awkwardness of having sex for the first time. It wasn't just sex, for me at that time, of course. The first time is usually pretty special. Or at least, it used to be. It kind of feels like ages ago now, in a way, but at the same time doesn't feel all that long ago.

Recent posts: Love Machine: I'm Not The Marrying Kind...Or Am I?
Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A Bitch Edition

Love Machine: I'm Not The Marrying Kind.....Or Am I?

spjv840 — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:12:00 GMT

I'm in this really weird state of mind. I spent the last couple weeks stressing over the fact that I might be pregnant. I've been pregnant before so I know what it feels like. Airheadgenius' post about pregnancy made me want to write a whole post about the subject but then I decided not to get into it. People would surely start spewing their political bullshit and quite frankly I have no interest in hearing it. But the last few weeks I felt that familiar pregnant feeling. My tits hurt just if you looked at them too long, I was eating non-stop and having weird bouts of nausea, weird crying jags followed by intense blow ups. I was getting ready to pee on a stick by the end of the week and have to face my boyfriend again with the bad news. If you know me, you know I'm as fertile as a goddamn flower bed, which is ironic because, for the most part, I don't want to become a mother. I love kids, don't get me wrong. I love when my nephew comes bouncing over and jumps on the couch and jumps on his uncle and begs for candy which I secretly give him and I love watching him torture the cat and playing with his uncles old Ninja Turtles toys from the 80's. But at the end of the day, I am glad when he goes back home and is someone else's responsibility. It has nothing to do with with maturity, selfishness or anything else. I just have zero interest in becoming a mother or having "a family" in the traditional sense of the word.

This morning I woke up in a strange mood. Relieved because my period had started, which also took a huge load off my shoulders. I don't think I could have gone through the pain and sadness that follows having to terminate a pregnancy.There was an other feeling on hand this morning, though. Marriage. Last night, while drinking many celebratory Obama beer and crying about this and that and freaking out at my boyfriend, we managed to have some kind of talk about the future without speaking directly about it. I'm one of those gals who doesn't really talk about feelings and other bullshit like that. I'm not going to try and get a guy to open up about his feelings or ask him what he's thinking every hour on the hour. That shit pisses me off. However, last night a lot of garbage flew out of my mouth. We'll blame the booze..it's always the best excuse.

My boyfriend and I already discussed the fact that we don't want to get married in a traditional way. We don't believe in church and have no wish to be married in one, behind one, or next to one. God will not be overlooking my wedding, should that day ever happen. But I want to marry him. I don't want to wear a white dress, have thousands of dollars spent on food, clothes, flowers, whatever the hell people spend money needlessly on for their wedding. I want to get married wearing a purple tube dress over my frayed jeans and beat up camouflaged Converse. I haven't told him about this. He doesn't know that I want to marry him. I've never wanted to marry before. I'm not even entirely sure I want to marry, honestly, but today, right now, I would love to say to him, "I love you, let's run off to Vegas and get married by Elvis and then have honeymoon sex in a big vibrating round bed"- this feeling might pass, just like heart burn after eating spicy chili (it does kind of feel like a bad case of indigestion), but maybe not. The morning after I had met him, I was completely enamored with him. I kept telling friends, "He's so perfect for me" and "He will be mine, you watch!" and I even blurted out "I'm going to marry him one day" - which was saying a whole lot becauseI don't think those words ever came out of my mouth before that, let alone after spending one night with someone. But I'm getting off track.

What makes someone the marrying kind? Is it a desire to have a family, a suburabn house with a goldren retriever and prescription meds for when your husband "works late" four nights out of five? Is it a desire to be with someone completely and utterly for the rest of your life? Is it a business deal like Lori Gottlieb wrote in The Atlantic back in January? Is it a need to be secure? Someone to look after you?

I don't think I'm the marrying kind.I don't know what kind I am, honestly.I don't particularly have a desire for anything mentioned above, except maybe wanting to be with someone completely and utterly. Maybe I'm just the kind that has finally realized that I can be secure in this relationship, that I don't need to worry about petty bullshit like I tend to do and that our little family with our cat, pit-bull puppy and all our plants is just what I want and need, and I don't need a ring to tell me that. Although, a cake right now with two little action figures on top would be pretty great.

So, are you the marrying kind?

Nerve Confessions: The Karma's A B*tch Edition

spjv840 — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Some of the confessions lately are seriously angry confessions, full of bile and hurt. I like it!

"You chose her over me. And now that I've heard it's all crashing down, I can't help but smile to myself...Karma's a bitch, ain't it? :-)"

Sure, it's great to be happy when you hear that the person who broke your heart is now on the otherside of the fence, but what does that say about you? That you and I would probably get along GREAT. No, but really. Is revenge karma really that great??? Ok....damnit, yes it is!

"Are you really choosing the girly girl over me? Crash and burn."

Guys always pick the girly girl until they realize how boring and superficial they are - not to mention the mediocre sex. Don't worry, soon he'll realize the mistake he made and try to get you back, but you'll have moved on by then (I hope).

"I only hope that someone manipulates you as much as you did me. You were right, you never were good enough for me."

Being manipulated is cruel. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even the guy who manipulated me for months and I wasn't even aware of it. It's better to let it go and let karma to its thing.

"I hope you're miserable when you realize you've traded happiness for convenience."

They usually are.

"I realized who you were when you let me leave, crying hysterically, to walk 20 blocks alone in Harlem at 1 am."

I'm really hoping it was a woman who wrote this on the "new breed of man" that walks the streets at 1am in fear with his dick between his legs.
I had a similar experience a few years ago and couldn't believe how unconsiderate some guys could be. Of course, now we know the hard way, but hopefully you realized enough about him to ditch the idiot. Not worth it.

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Sex Machine: Going Down Do's and Don'ts

spjv840 — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Ahhh, oral sex. Giving it, receiving it, doesn't matter - It's one of life's little joys. It's good to know some basic do's and don'ts when it comes to going down.

Do Make Eye Contact
Whether you're giving or receiving, making eye contact with your partner is a huge turn on. It shows that you're connected - not in the "Big Brother" "I really feel like we have a connection even though we're both competing for a million bucks" connection, but the "I am here, you are here, and we are having incredible sex right now" connection. It's also a great way to tell if you're both into it. If you keep your eyes closed tight during the whole thing, you might come off as a "God I can't wait for this to be over" prude.

Do Start Off Slow
For most women (there are always exceptions) jumping right in to it and attacking her clit like an ice cream cone can often have the opposite effect you're going for. Make small steps interesting by kissing, licking and teasing before going for the gold. The same goes for men. Jumping his cock and trying to race to the finish line is not the best way to get him to come. By going slow you build up the anticipation of what's to come, literally. When s/he wants you to pick up speed, they will let you know.

Do Make It Your Choice to Spit Or Swallow
Everyone has their own preference for this eternal debate. Whether you spit into a towel or Kleenex or gulp it down and pretend to love it, the choice is ultimately the person who will end up with the mouthful of jizz. There is no real reason not to swallow, if you're worried about health concerns. Unless your guy has a case of funky spunk, the taste is nothing horrible and tastes better than tofu soaked in brussel sprouts. If you're worried about gagging, just keep a towel or tissue close by for you to spit into. For some reason unbeknown to humans, however, guys love when you swallow their sperm. The fact that their little men have just made it down your throat canal is a huge turn on.

Don't advertise your blow job on a billboard.

Your dick isn't that big, even if your ego is.

Don't use your teeth.
Little nibbles on the inner thigh? Cute. Sinking your teeth into your man's penis? Not cute.

Don't blow air into the vagina.
It does not feel good. Case closed.

Don't make slurping noises unless your partner likes that.
(FYI: They probably don't.) But do let her/him know you're enjoying the hard work by giving little moans/groans of enjoyment.

Don't suck directly on the clitoris for long periods of time.
It gets uncomfortable after a while and you'll probably get that tap, tap on your shoulder.

For women, don't be afraid to use your hands.
While your mouth is busy with his cock, use your hands and play with his balls. Or switch it around, use your hands to play with his cock while you suck/lick his balls. He'll thank you for it after, trust me. When you have one of his balls in your mouth, it's the perfect time to ask for that necklace/jacket/bag.

For men, mix it up a bit. Don't constantly lick in one place.
Flick, lick, nibble and swirl with your tongue. Use your hands and explore the rest of her. If you have bad hand-eye coordination, keep your hands on her breasts and play with her nipples.

When in doubt, ask your partner if you're doing it to their satisfaction.

If you get that tap, tap on your shoulder, don't persist on continuing. A woman knows if she's going to come or not that night. If she taps you on the shoulder and does that little head shake, at least she's being kind to you and letting you know so you don't get a tongue cramp in twenty minutes. It might make your dick shrink, but it's better than forcing something that ain't going to happen.

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Sex Machine: Oh Yeah, That I Did
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Nerve Confessions: Why Can't We Be Friends?

spjv840 — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:07:00 GMT

Maybe this first confession wasn't about someone contacting an ex and trying to be friends, but for some reason that's how I read it and understood it. (correct me if I'm wrong)

"I didn't contact you to stir up trouble. I wanted to try to be the friends you always said we were."

I was only ever able to be friends with one ex. I wouldn't trade that friendship for anything. I could never be friends with DreamBoy because it just got too messy at the end and he ended up saying things that he shouldn't have said (I often wonder if ever regrets that - do we ever, though?). The ironic part about that one is that before we dated, and many years ago, we were best friends and I had refused to date him because I didn't want to "ruin the friendship". Funny how shit works out sometimes.

"I think maybe I shouldn't be friends with you. I thought if I just acted like normal friends the depression from what you did would go away with time. But it hasn't. Maybe we shouldn't be friends."

"I really need to talk to a friend right now and the only person I trust with a secret (all of my other friends and I are so close, nothing is ever kept for long) is my "ex". But, I'm afraid he'll take my need for a "friend" as something more."

I never understood why women (and some men) always seem to insist on trying to be friends with exes. Unless you had some kind of great friendship within the relationship, friendship after breaking up seems not only pointless, but not possible. I know a few couples who have been together for a while and you can tell that while they do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing great, they also have a great friendship base. I've also seen a lot of couples that you damn well know if they weren't banging each other, they'd probably hate each other.

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Sex Machine: I've Never Done That
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Nerve Confessions: Analyzing "I Love You" and Other Recent Confessions

spjv840 — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:56:00 GMT

DM has been pretty dead lately, so I decided to take a look at some recent confessions that you nerve daters have submitted. There's quite a few good confessions out there lately.

"When I called you just to tell you that I love you, it would have been nice if you had said you loved me too."

This first confession really made me feel for you. I've been on both sides of the 'I love you' non-return and it's a sticky game. If you're the one saying, "I love you" and you don't get a reply, to me, it's like being hit by a trainwreck and dragged for miles. But even worse than the no reply, is the automatic "I love you" in return. You know what I mean, you've been saying it so long to someone that they say it without thinking, because it's a habit, not because they're actually aware of what they're saying. I've been in that position and all it does it is make you feel worse about yourself.

Or there's the "Me too" reply - does that even count? If you can't be bothered to add another word to the sentence, don't bother saying anything at all. Lazy love is not any better than no love.

Of course, I'm not the biggest fan of those three words. I don't toss them around like I see some people do. I was once with a man for six months and never said I love you. If I take nothing else slow, that's one thing I do take slow. Those three words are some of the few that can invole fear in me. I was cautious saying it to my current boyfriend. He said it first. Thankfully, we're both not like those people who have to say it every day twice a day in order to know that we love each other. In a way, I almost think the more you say, the less it means.

"My boyfriend only fucks me once a month, if I'm lucky."

Do you love him? Does he make you happy? If you answered no to any of those quetions, seek new romance prospects ASAP.

"My ex's first hookup was with an "older gentleman".Should I be happier that it was him instead of some dude our own age from a bar.I think I am but, not being the first to score really bothers me because, I like sex way more.It's so much easier for you ladies."

This could almost be about me, but that's not likely. My first hook up after my first big break up was with an "older gentleman". Not 50+ older, but at least a good ten years older than I was. Personally, I don't see why it would make a difference to you if your ex hooked up with an older dude after breaking up with you. I think this is more about the shrinking of your penis and not being able to get laid even though your ex is out there having a good time. Check your ego at the door.

"i watch really nasty porn. it gets me off but i would never want to try any of that stuff myself."

This one kind of cracks me up for reasons unknown. I think it might be because of the number of people who can relate. 16 people (and counting) can relate to watching really nasty ass porn, while only one cannot. I don't know what "nasty porn" constitutes today. I'm assuming it's something that involves poop being smeared over tits while a fist is lodged into places and a woman in the background fits three massive black cocks into her mouth. I wouldn't know. I watch lesbian porn to get off and here I thought that was crazy enough.

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Nerve Confessions: I Know You Have A Girlfriend But You Feel So Good In Me

spjv840 — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 11:49:00 GMT

"I know, I know, you have a boyfriend and it was wrong for me to kiss you, but in that moment, there was nothing more that I wanted than your kiss. And I know you wanted it too."

Summer 2007 was an interesting one for me. I had discovered a new person inside me (usually every other night) and I enjoyed myself. I didn't question anything - if it felt right, I did it, no matter what the consequences might be. I was still using the excuse of getting over a bad break up with Dream Boy, so it was a green light on whatever, and more correctly, whoever I wanted.

One night some friends and I went to see my best friend's boyfriend's band play in a city that I don't go to often. before the show we checked out the local bar scene and had a few brews at a local pub. Taking my usual vodka and cranberry to get warmed up and become social, I settled into my seat and enjoyed the sights of this fun, new city filled with sexy French boys. About twenty minutes before we were about to leave a friend of a friend showed up. This friend of a friend caught my eye quickly. Full lips, big eyes, square shoulders, crazy curly hair. He sat himself down right next to me and started asking me questions. It was a wild Franglais flirt back-and-forth. After a few vodkas, of course, things were getting loud around us and I thought I had heard someone ask this sexy new boy, we'll call him Michau, where his girlfriend was. But, by then I just figured I had heard this question wrong.

Fast forward a couple hours and we're at the bar where the band is playing. Sitting through a bunch of half-assed bands who think they'll strike it big one day, we ordered a couple pitchers and waited for our friends to take the stage. Michau showed up and carefully placed himself directly across from me, so I had no choice but to notice his constant stares. To make a long story short - after a couple games of air hockey, flirting, lots more beer and a great performance from our friends on stage and way too much drunken dancing - Michau and I were making out inthe corner of the club like two teenagers at a school dance. Oh, and he confessed that he had a girlfriend somewhere throughout the night between wet kisses.

The new me didn't give a shit. He was hot, treated me like I was the hottest thing around and I liked the way his hips moved against mine as we shimmeyed our way around.

I had asked him a couple times what would happen if his girlfriend came in and saw this and he reassured me that she wouldn't.

After a while, most of the group wanted to head back home but I, along with two others (Michau included) were feeling good and wanted to explore the city's bars a bit more. So armed with two sexy single men, I headed out for more fun.

Around two o'clock, back at Michau's, the other guy passed out on the sofa, Michau sweetly made up the bed Where I would be sleeping ("We can't sleep in the same bed", he told me) and the sofa in the bedroom where he was going to sleep. Of course, a minute after he lay down on the sofa, he was in the bed with me. Despite being drunk, I knew I couldn't sleep with him. I was in the bed where he, no doubt, slept with his girlfriend of five years and if she were to walk in.....

But then his lips were all over me and his dick was in my hands and his fingers were in me and it was a blur of "You have a girlfriend.." and "We shouldn't do this..." and he told me I was a good girl for saying all this but oh I want you - and so, we didn't have sex, but we both did come and I fell asleep in the bed and he fell asleep on the sofa and in the morning, despite my fears, there was no awkwardness. When the other guy and I were ready to leave after a greasy breakfast and a few Tylenols to relieve us of our hangovers, Michau kissed me gently on the cheek and told me, "It was nice meeting you" and we said goodbye.

I can't help but wonder if his girlfriend ever smelled me on her boyfriend's pillows or if he washed the sheets right after I left. I also wonder if she does the things I did to him that night.

There was an other occurance of sleeping with a man in a relationship, engaged actaully - but the situation was different and besides, he was an old high school crush I had found on Facebook. But that's a story for another day.

So, I ask you Nerve readers - have you ever slept with a married man (so to speak)? How did it end and did anyone shake their finger at you afterwards?

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Nerve Confessions: Letting Go and The Top 5 Movie Break Ups

spjv840 — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:10:00 GMT

The confession of the day is: "I asked my therapist why you haven't been in touch. He said I should try doing more than hitting the refresh button on my e-mail."

That seems like a pretty snarky thing for a therapist to say. If my therapist said something like that to me, I'd be looking through the yellow pages for a new therapist. Although, if you're going to take advice from anyone, that's the person to take it from, I suppose - and he/she does have a point.

Hitting the refresh button is the equivalent of waiting by the phone for someone to call. Its sad, lonely and desperate and I've done it more than I'd care to admit. It's the modern day way to drive yourself crazy.

"If you hadn't knocked her up, I would have kept fighting for you."

Ah yes, nothing makes you let go quicker than finding out the man you love knocked some bimbo up. It's pretty much a guaranteed way to say bye without a lot of strings attached. You sure as hell don't want to be caught up in some sort of Montel type threesome with the baby daddy and momma - that just isn't cool, no matter where you live or what you do.

When it comes to letting go, I'm not particularly the best person for the subject. For a long time I had a hard time letting go. Why let go of something/someone I want? Bah, I'd say, I take what is mine and that's that. Of course, I learned the hard way that you can't force people to love you or want you and in the long run it just causes more pain and drama. I've "let go" twice and it hurt like hell. But now, thankfully, I learned my lesson - I don't cling on like I used to. I'm just along for the ride so that if shit happens, as it always does, there won't be anything to let go of.

Some recent confessions:

"i want to be with you again...in every possible way."

"I miss you so much I've been reading our old emails and chats. I need to stop!"

"I knew the only way to get over you was to fall for someone else. It took for-fucking-ever, but I've finally done it. I'm a little sad that I can't tell you."

"I miss talking to you, but other than that, I am relieved it is over."

And my vote for best confession of the week is definitely this one:

"i love the way your husband tweaks my nipples when he comes"

And now the Top 5 Movie Break Ups

5) Closer

4)The Break Up (I'm sorry, it was a good movie)

3) Chasing Amy

2) High Fidelity

1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

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spjv840 — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:56:00 GMT

Yesterday I went through my list of "Never Haves" and today I'm tackling what I have done. Obviously, the list is not as long as I'd like it to be or I'm forgetting some important facts, but feel free to share your stories in the comments!

With that said, I have:

- had sex outside. Once on a blanket in the backyard with DreamBoy, and another time by the side of the road leaning against a Jeep. I'm pretty sure there's more, I just can't remember them

- had sex in the rain and yes, it just as wonderful as you expect it to be

- had sex in the in-laws bed

- had sex with two different people in 24 hours

- had sex with my best friend's ex

- had many one-night-stands

- done it with an older man

- masturbated on a semi-empty airplane somewhere over the Pacific

- done it with a few mechanics, a tattoo artist, a fruit inspector, a snowboard designer, a pro skateboarder, a musician, a PR man, and a few others with various talents

- had anal sex and enjoyed it

- had oral sex and enjoyed it, obviously

- had my ass slapped

- slapped ass

- had very rough sex as well as very romantic

- done the Walk-of-Shame many a time in the morning

- taken sexy photos and e-mailed them to someone

- had whipped cream licked off my body. It was fun, but way too sticky

- had sex on various kitchen tables, many floors, chairs, desks, in a pool (not fun), in the shower, in a bath (not fun at all - nothing romantic about it), against the wall, in a friend's child's bed while the kid was away, a music studio floor (the rubber floor caused many skin burns)

- had sex on various recreational substances which I don't ever recommend

- had balls in my mouth

- discovered that Greeks have the biggest willies

- used men for sex

- been offered a spot in an orgy but politely declined

- had a finger in my ass that didn't belong to a doctor

- had sex on the first "date", which must get Julia Allison's tight little panties in a twist. Not only have I had sex on the first date, but I have bedded a few within a couple hours of meeting.

- have gotten lucky a few times because of Facebook. I actually hooked up with a guy that I went to high school with and never, not in a million years ever thought I would sleep with him ten years later. Stupid Facebook.

- slept with two high school crushes ten years later, one because of Facebook

- used every type of lube created. Well not every type, but I must be reaching the end of the lube train soon

- used sex toys with partners and alone

- had sex with someone I love and it's definitely the best sex ever

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spjv840 — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:39:00 GMT

A friend and I, when we're bored at work, sometimes play a game via e-mail where we list things we've never done sexually, such as "I"ve never...been beaten by a banana while getting laid standing on my head" and she'll retort with "I've never...blown a guy while getting my asscrack licked". Things like that. It passes the time.

While there are a lot of things I have done, there are a number of things I've never done. Thankfully, I'm not as vanilla as some people I won't mention,

- I've never had a threesome. While sometimes the fantasy is hot, I know in actuality it probably is not as hot as they make it look in movies. In fact, I know from personal accounts that, for the most part, it's better left as a fantasy. If physically it goes well, than there will probably be some kind of emotional mix-in that will ruin something. My ultimate fantasy threesome? Myself, the cute blonde girl from the bookstore and Keira Knightley with her Domino look.

- I've never done anything nasty that involves pee or poo. And I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know if people actually do this outside of horrible German porn. If you do it, or are into in any way, contact me. I'd like to interview you for a future article.

- I've never used food as a form of sex play. Unless whipped cream counts. I remember the first time a man licked Cool Whip from my nipples - it was a lot stickier than I had imagined. I don't think this counts, however, since technically, whipped cream is not food.

- I've never done the role-play thing. I don't actually get that whole dress up as a naughty nurse or school girl gimmick while the big bad doctor or teacher slaps my ass with a ruler. You don't need a ruler to slap my ass.

- I've never had sex on an airplane, which is something I would like to change. I have, however, had a party for one on a semi-empty flight coming back from Hawaii. The air pressure really intensifies those orgasms.

- I've never had sex in a moving car. This is something I'd like to do, preferably while the person I'm having sex with is driving. What movie did I see that in?

- I've never had sex with an audience, nor been videotaped (to my knowledge, ha). The idea of an audience is somewhat stimulating, but, for the most part, I wouldn't want an audience during sex.

- I've never watched porn to get into the mood to have sex. Pretty self-explanatory.

- I have never had sex in a church, but holy christ, do I ever want to do this one day.

Ok, I'm running of "I've never"'s. Feel free to share your list below!

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spjv840 — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Since no one else seems to care if they offend others or not, here we go!

There are more men who suck in the sack than there are women who suck in the sack. That is common knowledge. Why, you ask? It's simple. Men think it's perfectly fine if they just lay there while you do all the work, meanwhile if a woman were to pull the same thing we're called a "bad lay".

Another reason is because men expect too much. They expect the blow job. They expect for you to make them come. They expect you to lick up and swallow their (sometimes foul tasting) sperm. They expect you to bend in uncomfortable and sometimes painful positions all for their pleasure. They expect you to be satisifed within five minutes and then look at you with puppy dog eyes because they can't control their medicore wang.

What do women expect? We expect a little foreplay and a little action that lasts longer than ten minutes. We don't ask for much. Well, not always. A good vagina licking every once in a while, but I'm getting a head of myself.

But you know what I've learned? It takes two to tango, baby and if you're not having fun you can bet your scrawny little balls that the other person isn't either. It's chemistry. You can't be "bad" at sex, it's instinct. It's like taking a crap. You do it once and sure, the first few times are messy as hell, but if you're nearing 40 and still complaining about bad sex partners, I suggest investing in a sex toy (if you're female) or a prostitute if you're male (or one of those blow up dolls could work too, I suppose) and learn the workings of your body before subjecting another poor human to your incompetent ways.

You know what the worst sex I've had is (besides the small penis mishaps)? The men who just lay there and expect the woman to climb on up and do all the work. You can be damn sure that guy won't be getting a complete meal with all the trimmings, so to speak. Another bad sex experience is when you just don't have chemistry with the other person. If you aren't feeling it, why on earth would the sex be good? If you're male and going to go down on the old love taco (or the "mucus flap" as amboabe so lovingly called it) and you aren't all that into it, you aren't doing ANYONE any favours. You can be sure of that

A woman knows when a man likes to eat pussy. It's written all over their face, if you know what I mean. "Going down" because you expect something in return or because you think you're doing her a favor puts men on my black list. There is nothing worse than a man who can't lick the vaj with any kind of skill yet insists on it (usually in hopes that you will suck his knob in return). Unlike sex, oral sex is not instinct (well, for some it is, bless their talented little hearts). If you suck at licking, buy some mangoes or peaches. Practice. Watch porn. Read some lesbian material, I don't know. But until a man learns to properly enjoy the oral sex goodness, I really don't think they should be yammering on about how most women are bad in bed.

Thank you and goodnight.

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spjv840 — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 14:05:00 GMT

Do you remember the first time you got spanked? If you're anything like me, you were around five or six years old and tried to touch something you weren't supposed to touch or did something you weren't supposed to do. For me, it was trying to touch a hot stove. I got a firm slap right on my bottom and never touched a stove again.

Do you remember the last time you got spanked? If you're like me, it was last night. I did nothing wrong. I wanted to be spanked. Hard. It's not something I want every day, or every week, mind you, but every so often, goddamnit I want to be smacked good and proper on the ass. I always wonder what this says about us. Being able to admit that yes, I like to be spanked once in a while during sex and I'm proud of it - What does that say? As a child, it's punishment. Even though I can only remember being spanked that one time from childhood, I know that a lot of children had spanking as a punishment when they did something bad and there was no greater fear than that slap across your bottom.

Now it's completely different. I feel punished if I don't get a firm slap on my ass every once in a while. It's a bit funny because, for the most part, I hate pain. I don't go out looking for pain inflicted on me and I'm certainly not going to be the one to jump up and run to a BDSM class on how to properly flog and hog tie your partner. I think when it comes to slapping ass in the bedroom (or the kitchen, where ever you like to get it on) it's just the right amount of pain to turn you on and get your heart going. Too much pain and it kills the mood, too little or none at all and it can get stale quickly, but with the occassional ass smack, it gets you both a little more excited and a little pain never hurt anyone.Well, you know what I mean.

So tell me, Nerve readers: Do you like being spanked ? Or do you prefer the softer approach? Bad experiences or nothing but sexy smacking? Share away.

And now my favorite Top 5 Topless Scenes

1. Keely Hazell in Cashback

2. Uma Thurman and Maria de Medeiros in Henry and June

3. Angelina Jolie in Gia

4. Jennifer Connelly in The Hot Spot

5. And everyone's favorite homewrecking biatch: Sienna Miller in Alfie

I could have sat here watching topless scenes all day, but realized I would have to narrow it down to five eventually. Who did I leave out that should be on the list?

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