date machine : the daily throb

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Patterns in relationships

Sex Machine: Zeitgeisty SEX TIPS for DUMMIES!!... plus the throb

zeitgeisty — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:48:00 GMT

When you blog about sex and relationships, people tend to look to you as some sort of 'guru'. I'm constantly besieged with all manner of questions related to fucking, sucking, and dating. Always mindful of my position of influence, I try to dole out my advice in as sage and comforting a manner as possible – although sometimes I have to get a bit tough with some of the masochists. The interesting thing I’ve discovered is, most everyone has some at least some modicum of insecurity when it comes to their own sexual prowess. My mailbox is literally flooded each day with reader requests for insider info on how to become better lovers. In order to address all of you incompetent fumblers out there, I’ve compiled a list of sex and relationship tips that should serve you in good staid for years to come. So without further adieu…

1) Women, do not ever refer to a man’s penis as ‘cute’, ‘widdle’, ‘adorable’, or ‘mignon’.

2) Men, do not ever refer to a woman’s vagina as a ‘tuna boat’, ‘stink hole’, ‘garbage dump’, or ‘sulfur city’.

3) ‘Spelling out the alphabet’ with your tongue as a fun way of giving a woman head is infantile and doesn’t work – especially if you’re attempting to sing the ‘alphabet song’ whilst doing it.

4) Men, never refer back to your ex-girlfriend with the huge tits and perfect ass as ‘great in bed’ but completely crazy. You see ALL women are completely crazy, so it’s not much of an insult. The only thing your present girlfriend will hear is, ‘Huge tits’ and ‘Great in bed’.

5) Women never refer back to your asshole ex-boyfriend who’s dick was ‘way too big’. You see ALL guys are assholes, so it’s not much of an insult. The only thing your present boyfriend will hear is, ‘Huge dick’.

6) Men, it’s called a clitoris not a Rubik’s cube - it’s not that difficult to figure out. Look it up in the goddamned dictionary under ‘C’ for crying eye. It is the female equivalent to the penis, meaning it’s what gets them off. Attend to it carefully, it’s a clitoris not a gummi bear.

7) Women, it’s called a penis not a flexi straw. Attend to it carefully, no 90 degree angles, or ‘stretch armstrong’ antics. It’s not a good thing when your man is left with blood blisters up and down his Johnson.

8) Men, remember to cut your fingernails before sticking your fingers in her ass.

9) Women, remember to cut your fingernails before sticking your fingers in his ass.

10) Men, when your lady asks you to pick up a ‘toy’ for later on, she doesn’t mean that vintage 6 million dollar man doll you’ve been 'watching’ for 3 days on Ebay.

11) Women, when your fella’ asks you to pick up a ‘toy’ for later on, he doesn’t mean a ‘butt plug’ for him….well usually he doesn’t anyway.

12) Men, be careful, ‘manscaping’ does not require hedge clippers. Moreover, never trim your pubes into funny animal shapes.

13) Women, either go with the bald look, or the full on fur burger, ‘Hitler moustaches’ are way too ‘2002’.

14) Men, forget about her sister, ‘cause it’s never gonna happen.

15) Women, forget about his best friend, he’s dating someone way hotter than you.

I hope you all find these tips useful. It’s been a pleasure to share with you my expertise and if I have saved only one person from horrible sex, I believe I've done my job!

Jane Wyman

Love in the time of recession

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Love in the time of recession

Date Machine: PATTERNS in RELATIONSHIPS - slight edit... are they a MYTH??...plus throb

zeitgeisty — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:32:00 GMT

I’ve always been a bit dubious when people start prattling on about the ‘patterns’ they fall into concerning their relationships.

Women especially tend to complain a lot about the throngs of ‘unavailable men’ and the pitfalls of falling for the same type of guy, over and over again. In fact just today I was reading the article ‘How happy is…How to Deal With Life’s Obstacles’ by Sophie Keller, where she specifically picks over this ole’ chestnut once again:

“…you finish a long relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, someone who can't give you what you need, but you don't take time to look at your pattern of what drives you to attract this sort of person in to your life, in the first place. You'll then find that the next person you meet will have very similar qualities to your last partner, as that is what you are energetically attracting, and you'll have to go through the same thing again, with a slight variation on logistics and how that unavailability is manifested. The first partner might have just come out of a relationship and not be in to marrying, the second one might withhold sex from you and the third one might be married. All off them, in one way or another, are emotionally unavailable. Of course, you can try to blame the opposite sex for this or, alternatively, look inside yourself for answers.”

See I totally disagree. I think women have it right when they blame it all on the opposite sex.

Listen, I’m not saying ALL men are emotionally unavailable, just a significant portion of them. As a proud throbbing member of the male gender, I’ll take that hit for all of us. However, you women have also got to cop to the fact that there are a significant portion of YOU that are emotionally needy to an almost pathological extent. In addition, I personally feel you tend to make decisions based on faulty concepts such as ‘stability’ or ‘soulmate’. These are illusions and in no way should be a basis for anything.

Still, as far as ‘patterns’ go, I don’t believe in em’. Everyone I’ve ever dated has been a unique experience, completely individual from the previous relationship. I mean, there’ve been a couple of similarities here and there, but absolutely no discernible pattern whatsoever.

Now...'types' are a different story.

'Types' and 'Patterns' often get jumbled up together as one thing in people's minds, when in point of fact they are not. Personally, I love curvy women with nice jugs and a penchant for growing out their under-arm hair. Is there anything significant about this as to how it pertains to my psychological make-up? Perhaps, but not so you'd notice. Either way, it's not really going to have any sort of real impact on the way I handle myself in relationships.

The myth of the 'pattern' is well overstated I feel. I believe life is a lot more arbitrary than that. In the end, we're all just logs floating down the river of life. It's simply the random-ness of all things that attaches to us the twigs and branches.

Patterns shmatterns.

Erin Burnett... financial analyst...

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Date Machine: LOVE in the time of RECESSION - slight edit...plus the throb..

zeitgeisty — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:41:00 GMT

I tell you, I'm afraid to watch the news anymore. Each new day seems to bring more and more distressing news related to the spiraling economy and it scares me shit-less. The thing is, as we grow increasingly frightened about the state of our tenuous financial stability, I’m wondering what the subsequent fallout will be as far as our relationships are concerned.

People out there are in a panic and out of this abject fear they are clinging to each other like petrified rhesus monkeys. This recession is bonding us to one another in deep ways, turning us all in to frontierspeople, dependant on each other to make it through the harsh winter. Whereas before this collapse, moving in together was solely predicated on love and compatibility, nowadays it very well could simply be out of financial necessity. The thing is though, out of this necessity may come an interesting by-product.

As a result of our recent financial inter-connectedness, we are now forced to examine our relationships in closer detail and really figure out what we mean to each other - nothing brings people closer together than a state of emergency.

Panic is like a seasoning, it enhances one’s perceptions. Let’s say a couple has been toddling along together for a couple of years, but only now really require each other’s support. Perhaps one has lost a job, or the other’s hours have been cut - well then you’re seriously going to start understanding what you mean to one another. When faced with emergency, it’s impossible not to confront the reality of how you feel for each other. In other words…

…the time for ‘toddling’ is now over.

Do you stay together or bail out? Do you cut the dead weight loose? Do you realize how much you’ve meant to each other all along? Do you realize, you don’t love this person, know this person – WANT this person?

This current situation not only affects established relationships - it’s not merely about the ‘rent’ - it also becomes a major factor when meeting new people. With less money available for entertainment purposes, we will now have to start relying upon our actual personalities, and become more creative in coming up with date ideas that don’t cost a bundle.

Coffee and Danish anyone?

I guess, in a way one could see this as an opportunity. We have a unique chance here to truly take a look at ourselves and the ones we love. Only trouble is, we're not always going to like what we find…

leelee sobieski

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Date Machine: the MIA phenomenon - 'I thought we had a GREAT TIME!!!'...plus the Daily throb

zeitgeisty — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:19:00 GMT

One of the main complaints I hear from women when it comes to internet dating is the common experience of never hearing from someone again after enjoying what they felt was a damned fine date, something I refer to as the - ‘MIA phenomenon’. This occurrence never fails to disturb and perplex the fairer sex. For weeks after an MIA, I’ve heard some of my female friends still anguish over the usual questions; ‘Why didn’t he call back???’ ‘What went wrong??’ ‘I DON’T GET IT!!’..

Personally, whenever an MIA ever happened to me I never really sweated it.

I believe the average human runs pretty much down the middle as far as rejection is concerned. Sometimes you bite the bar, and sometimes the bar bites you. So you see, it really all evens out in the end. Still, this doesn’t answer the question ‘WHY!!!’. I think women need to know ‘WHY!!!’ more than men, that’s just my personal perception. One thing’s for certain, I’m not going to use that cutesy standby ‘He’s just not that into you’ as any kind of rationale. In the first place, due to the Sex and the City association, it’s automatically disqualified, and in the second place it’s way too glib and I’m just not a glib guy.

To start things off, let me relay a couple of MIAs I've personally experienced.

I met a gal for coffee at Le Pain Quotidien uptown in my neighborhood after having exchanged a few e-mails back and forth on Nerve.She seemed attractive and bore a slight resemblance to Chan Marshall in her photo - which was a good thing. Of course, you can never really tell from a photo exactly what you’re gonna get. Anyway, she shows up and she’s very tall. I mean, I knew she was tall from her profile, but when presented with the reality in 3-d I was a bit taken aback. I think it was more the fact that she was big and tall that threw me. Not that she was fat, which she wasn’t at all, but she was just big. Hands, feet, mandible, ears.. I’m 6 foot myself, but on my skinny frame, I don’t take up a lot of space. She also had a severely short cropped haircut dyed bleach blonde, which gave her a slightly ‘Lerch’ like appearance.

Still aside from all that, she was alright. I wasn’t attracted per se, but I wasn’t running in the opposite direction. Anyway, we procured ourselves some beverage and got on with the business at hand. We wound up having a pretty good conversation which spanned a whole host of topics ranging from politics to art. She was a big fan of the movie Five Easy Pieces, which instantly endeared her to me. Over the course of the evening, she started to look less like Lerch, and more graceful, statuesque, Amazonian.. elegant! I guess these are just games your mind plays with itself. Either way, I was actually having a pretty good time and thought for sure a second date was imminent.

Long story short, we said our goodbyes and I never heard from her again. I had even sent her an e-mail a few days after the date just to say how nice it was meeting her, and maybe we could go see the Jasper Johns exhibit at the Met if she was up for it.

No response.

I didn’t really mind, I mean, like I said I wasn’t really attracted. I did find it ironic that a person I wasn’t attracted to wound up rejecting me. Still, there was a certain symmetry and justice to it all that I found colossal. She didn’t deem a response to my e-mail necessary, and I was ok with that. I may have felt a miniscule twinge of rejection, but I certainly didn’t deliberate over it.

Personally, I feel one of the unwritten rules to the online personals, is that you enter into it knowing full well that 95% of the time you will never see your date again. That’s just fact. Who really cares what the reason is? It just is.

Now on the other side of the pendulum, I distinctly remember this time right before I met my girlfriend that I went out with a very sweet girl, who was really quite attractive with long chestnut hair and a great smile that I never contacted again. Let me just state for the record that it wasn’t merely because ‘I wasn’t that into her’, it’s just that I didn't see any legitimate point for continuing our acquaintance any further. There just was no connection on my side whatsoever. She had attractive features, but none of them added up to trip the switch hormonal. Her personality was, well lacking.. at least in ways that I find intriguing. She tended to stay to middle of the road topics of conversation, and had an irritating laugh that sounded a bit like Tom Hulce in Amadeus. There was also something slightly off about her chin that I just couldn’t put my finger on.

I will say this though, aside from an innocuous e-mail from her about the Yankees, I never heard back from her either, and if she actually had written me to ask, ‘WHY!!’ I would have given her an answer…

I guess the main thrust of it all, is people shouldn’t really go into a date with too many expectations. Even if things APPEAR to be going smoothly, you really can never know what’s going on in the noggin of the person staring back at you over a delicious plate of fried calamari. My advice?

Just enjoy the fried calamari.

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Sex Machine: Does getting NAILED with a STRAP-ON by your girlfriend make you GAY?...plus the daily throb

zeitgeisty — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:14:00 GMT

I checked Nerve’s home page when I got into the office this morning and I noticed a new short story had been posted called ‘The Conditional Surrender’ .

I skimmed through it, and discovered it was all about some middle aged guy getting nailed in the ass with a dildo by his girlfriend.

Well ok, it wasn’t ALL about that, but pretty much yeah…

Now, as I’ve divulged here in a previous post, I’ve had my ass invaded once by an ex with a clumsy long nailed finger and it turned out to be quite a painful proposition. Ever since then my ass has been off limits. In fact I carry around with me a laminated Doctors note excusing me from any rectal manipulation. It truly was an all around unpleasant experience, and one I have no wish of repeating – and this was just a finger we're talking about! I couldn’t even imagine getting rammed up the cornhole the way this dude describes.

I tell you, I’m just not into those dominatrix types that get off on inflicting pain on their partners. I always feel it’s as if they’re exorcising some disturbing personal demons within and I’m their very own voodoo doll. Of course I’ll hear cries of 'double standard', as men love to fuck ass but rarely lay their own mudflaps down on the table in reciprocation. My response to said condemnation would be…

…and your point is?

As far as double standards go, that’s one I can live with sans guilt. Moreover, never have I ever inflicted or wanted to inflict on any of my ex-girlfriends some sort of strange and violent anal pounding with a hard plastic dildo. That just seems more like a power trip than anything else. I mean, what does a woman get out of fucking her boyfriend with a strap on besides some sadistic pleasure?

Reading through the story, I wondered what type of ‘heterosexual male’ – as the writer defines himself in the story – would allow their butt to be plundered in such a manner? I mean, I have a relatively open mind, but to me this crosses the line into ‘gay-ish’ territory. Perhaps it’s not all the way gay, but allowing your girlfriend to make her your bitch, while she shoves a giant fake cock up your ass, well….that’s pretty gay.

Still I don’t know, perhaps I’m just old fashioned.

Makes you wonder what goes on behind closed doors though. Who know, maybe Prorobert likes to dress up in a bunny costume and have carrots crammed up his brown eye. Maybe Toluca likes to dress up as a mailman, and shoot dogs. Yes, I can definitely picture it all. As for me, I’ve never been a fetish guy, and have always been pretty much the ‘decider’ in the bedroom. I’m the chairman-of-the-board if you will. Keep your oils, beads and other implements of destruction away from my bumcakes.

Homey don’t play that shit.

Adriana Lima

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes

Date Machine: Why SMART people can't get LAID... plus the daily throb.. - slight edit

zeitgeisty — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:20:00 GMT

This morning I was reading an article on the Huffington Post stating the reasons why ‘smart people’ have a harder time dating than others, and I found myself getting irritated.

First off, this guy Dr. Alex Benzer shouldn't be giving any advice with that ridiculous landing strip on his chin. I mean, if this guy's getting laid, I want to meet the 'lay-ees' - probably residents of the Bunny Ranch, or possibly South Jersey. Secondly he's got a critical flaw in his whole thesis when he defines ‘smart’. According to him, 'smart' = 'academic success' which is both thoroughly elitist and simply untrue. I’ve known so many academics that were as dumb as dirt when it came to anything outside their specialized little field of expertise. Conversely, I’ve known many people in my life that never graduated from college that were amongst the most brilliant I’ve ever met.

Taking a look at this list of his, it's really a mess. To be honest, I don't know how this guy ever had the wherewithal to get a doctorate in anything - aside from maybe fry cook engineering.

Let's take a look shall we?

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

AGAIN academic achievement does not define ‘smart’. What about all the so called nerds and geeks in school that are under achievers?

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

What about those that feel the opposite? In my experience the smartest people are the ones that feel the LEAST entitled.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

The good Dr. states that this is due to being defined as ‘the smart one’ all your life as opposed to being defined by your looks. This poses the question, “what is a ‘fully realized’ sexual being anyway”? According to his definition it is being able to convey femininity as a woman or masculinity as a man, or else you're not going to attract a suitable companion of the opposite sex. This makes no sense. So unless you’re some clichéd stereotype of your gender, you’re not going to be perceived as ‘doable’ by the opposite sex? …and what about the gays? They’re not fucking I suppose.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

This is not in any way exclusive to ‘smart people’.

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect

Ahh.. here in this last one he finally sets the parameters for ‘smart’ by stating it’s the top 5% of the population in terms of intelligence. That’s a pretty ridiculous parameter if you ask me, but more than that, it’s not true. If you’re THAT smart, chances are you’re doing pretty well, and most probably getting laid. I mean, do you think all those brainiacs who invented google, or yahoo, or shmoogle do you think those nerds AREN’T getting laid?

In fact, I think his whole theory and premise for his series of books is total bullshit. Smart people are SMART, they’ll eventually figure out a way to get laid. I would even goes as far as saying that academics in general sport-fuck like big game hunters. Something about all that corduroy and tweed that gets em' all hot and bothered I think.

Now, if you’re UGLY or have have a bad self image, then obviously it’s going to be harder getting laid. Still, that’s another topic and nowhere in his article does he mention any other kinds of variables.

What do you people think?

Jordan

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Personals confessions: Going through old E-MAIL: RE-VISITING the past BABES I've once known....plus the daily throb...

zeitgeisty — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:54:00 GMT

The other day I went through my word files and old e-mails in order to come up with some examples of Online correspondence for my last post here, and although I couldn’t really find too many examples of ‘initial’ greetings, I did find a lot of old conversations with women I’ve had over the past few years. Reading through it, I felt both vaguely fascinated and astoundingly bored. The oddest part to read through was definitely MY end of the various exchanges. My forced jocularity, irritating jaunty verbosity, jeez it grated me as I read it.

As I went through more and more of them, I became weary. All these little flings I'd had seemed so empty. It felt more like some kind of exercise in ego than anything else – my ego. I would never hear from the vast majority of these women ever again, yet saved for posterity are all the electric details of our plans, activities, and banter.

The strangest part of going through old e-mails of past relationships is coming across someone you used to date that you’ve completely forgotten about. The feeling of disconnection is so extreme, it’s almost as if it all happened to someone else. Still, that's your name there, it IS you… but IS it really? You see, in a lot of these 'relationships', I was putting on an act. In many cases, a lot of these women never got to see the real me at all. So in a sense, these e-mail exchanges are very much like observing an alien interaction.

They’re almost VOYEURISTIC in fact…

The sheer number of coffee dates I’ve been on these past few years is pretty ridiculous. It’s a wonder I haven’t expired from all the caffeine I’ve ingested, not to mention all the cheese Danish impacted in my colon like so much spackle. All those women, most of whom I wouldn’t even recognize if I passed them on the street. I wonder what’s become of all of them.

Actually, I don’t.

In fact, I’ve pretty much blotted out everything from my tired mind having to with anything but sheer survival. I’m on auto-pilot. I’m not that coffee datin’, irritatingly jaunty fellow I once was. I actually don’t really know what I am anymore. I used to be a completely solopsistic prick - not anymore. That’s the one good thing about being a shallow egocentric, at least it’s a tangible identity.

Jeez… but all those women.

Most of them whom I never shared anything more than a cheese Danish and coffee mind you, but god… some of them… What the HELL was I thinking? I mean, some of these women had absolutely not one single quality I look for, and I’m talking across the board – looks, intelligence, sense of humor. I honestly don’t know what I was trying to accomplish there. Of course, it did provide me with valuable experience as to the many different types of ladies out there.

Still... was it worth it? All those wasted hours expending energy on a bunch of crap that in the end had no relevance to my life other than to ground me down just a bit more...

Now, don’t get me wrong, there were a few in there that I actually got to know pretty well, and I still maintain some sort of contact with a couple of them, but overall they’re all pretty much ghosts haunting my inbox. Each time I click ‘older’ in my G-mail, more cobwebs form, dust chokes me, I hear strange creaking… it’s scary stuff!!

When I eventually click back on ‘newest’ I feel safe once again….

Janet Margolin

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Personals confessions: How I PICKED UP the BABES on the INTERNET!!...plus the daily throb

zeitgeisty — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:59:00 GMT

To continue the theme of ‘online personals interaction’, I tried to find some old letters I’d sent during my dating days, to get an idea of what my pick up spiel was like. Unfortunately, I’ve deleted practically everything. However I do remember a couple of the key ‘catchphrases’ I always used to throw into my salutations with the hopes of ‘catching some fresh fish’ – if you’ll pardon the disgusting imagery.

I believe there are several rules to follow in order to ensure a good batting average.

First off, get to the point right away. I would never hem and haw in some long drawn out preliminary, prattling on about ‘how lame this online personals thing is’ or ‘god you meet so many weirdos on here’ or other similar types of inanity. No, I’d ask my prospective babe out for coffee and a Danish right out of the gate.

If you received a message from me, when I was lookin’ to do some datin’, it would have probably sounded something like this.

“Hey there _____, Spring has sprung, and with the budding of leaves, hope springs eternal. Perhaps, you’d care to join me in the partaking of some piping hot coffee and Danish at some time in the not too distant future? I happen to know where they make the finest Danish in the city, however you must keep the location to yourself, as I don’t want the word spreading all over the personals.

Please note - if you’re not a coffee lover, any other beverage would be quite suitable - I’m not judgmental that way.”

That’s pretty straightforward there. It’s quirky, yet not terribly so. Sometimes I would get a bit more elaborate and add a touch more whimsy such as…

“…we could drink our beverage from porcelain cups and discuss all matters of the human condition. I ensure a good time will be had by all. If I disappoint, I will reimburse you the cost of one bonus Danish, which you can eat at your leisure at some point later down the road.”

Now, in addition to this, I would probably cursorily peruse the prospective babe’s profile in order to try and cherry pick one or two details of which I could possibly turn a witty phrase upon. For example, if someone were to have a quote of some sort which I recognized, I would expound pithily upon said quote in this fashion…

“Figure 8???.. That's my favorite school house rock tune.. Such a haunting melody.. Of course as a child, I found these songs quite confusing.. Conjunction junction what's your function? Still damned if I know - and I was an English major in college”

Now.. The most important part of the introduction would be two simple words added at the end of the note…

‘You’re adorable’

I tell you, this was the clincher. What woman doesn’t like to hear that they’re adorable?

After awhile, I perfected the technique to such an extent that my ‘percentage’ was pretty damned near perfect. Of course many a variable went in to the equation. For instance, I never wrote to any women that appeared as if they were looking for some rich wall street type, as I knew from the outset that they were most definitely not looking for me. Moreover, I would never write to the women that highlighted their jugs, or had some kind of hyper-sexual profile.

I knew that these types were not serious, and probably had skanky pussy.

Now, I’m not saying I didn’t strike out big-time every now and again. I would definitely get the occasional ‘you seem like a nice guy, but go fuck yourself’ notes back, but for the most part, if it was Monday I could probably procure myself some fish by the weekend - the likes of which hopefully wouldn’t give me food poisoning.

amber ros - Kanye west's girlfriend (beard)

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Date Night: HAND-JOB in Hungary - my only true love!..plus the daily throb.

zeitgeisty — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:52:00 GMT

I met J in an outdoor café in Budapest, she was clothed in crinoline of smoky burgundy and appeared softer than the rain. She also beared a slight resemblance to Art Garfunkle, but that's neither here nor there. At that time, I was in Hungary on a student’s visa - apparently somebody had left it on the chair in the café, and although I found it quite uncomfortable, I was too lazy to remove it from underneath my buttocks.

In the midst of the bustling lunchtime congregation she stood out like a freshly minted dime – petite, shiny, and with little ridges on her rim. I was instantly struck by her gestalt, as she had sailed at my head a tiny paper airplane with only the word ‘gestalt’ written on its side in a child-like scrawl.

It wasn’t her astounding beauty that initially drew me to her, as in all honesty she looked like something you’d find in a petry dish. No, what got me was the odd fact that she was carrying in her left hand an extraordinarily large socket wrench. Later I found out that she was a studying abroad, working on her doctorate in advanced plumbing.

I must tell you, she was quite a sight, sitting there cross legged with a decidedly dainty air talking to herself in low tones, and gesticulating wildly with the wrench. I was all at once intrigued, nauseated, threatened and slightly aroused. I listened in to the conversation she was having with herself, and overheard her use the word ‘dialectical’ – I was instantly smitten. I sidled up to her suavely and asked her if she’d care for another coffee or perhaps a piece of Danish.

‘Hungarians don’t eat Danish’, she retorted in an odd monotone.

‘Ahh… I had no idea. So you’re from here?’

‘No, I’m Armenian, but when in Rome…’

I could tell she would be a hard nut to crack, but one look at her wrench and I knew I had to have her. Still I had to be cautious, for one thing she was carrying a potential implement of destruction, for another my mother had always taught me never to inhale too deeply next to an Armenian.

‘Well perhaps you’d like some strudel then, I hear they make a fine strudel’

‘OH!’, her eyes lit up.. ’Yes please, I would love a prune strudel’

…and with that I was in!

It’s funny, up until then I had ordered many different types of pastry; choux; danish; profiterole; but after J it would be only prune strudel from then on. It was almost as if it were some kind of ‘psychic howl’ a broken promise made to myself, of which I alone was aware. It was a way of showing solidarity to myself, or rather ‘solo-darity’ as I was the only one who understood, or cared.

Nowadays, every time I eat a piece of prune strudel I chuckle knowingly to myself. One time a fellow patron at a local café was so irritated by my knowing chuckles that he beat me very badly, and put me in the hospital for two months. I still continue to knowingly chuckle though – I just do it much quieter.

J and I ate our strudel, flirting, and laughing - I with her, and her mostly with herself – well into the crisp Budapest-ian night. As the shadows became longer and longer, it was time for us to part, but not before she was able to give me a tender hand-job underneath the table. Well, technically it wasn’t a true hand-job, as she used her socket wrench – luckily as I have stated before it was a very large wrench!

My heart, and penis were never the same after that night. That wretched, ridge-y, mental case with a large socket wrench embodied everything I’d ever wanted in a woman. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be as later that week I would be deported for attempting to fuck a fire hydrant in broad daylight.

I will never forget J though….my only true love.

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

Sex Machine: Striving for CONSISTENTLY DECENT SEX...plus the DAILY THROB!

zeitgeisty — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:07:00 GMT

Most men don’t need a specific position, or permutation in order to climax. Just sufficient invigoration and we’re off to the races. A lot of women however have a defined formula to get them where they wanna go, and once you’ve found this formula, this becomes the finish line for – ‘relationship sex’.

Point A can start any way whatsoever, from a playful game of boggle, to shoving anal beads up the neighbor’s cat. Point B however, ends with the defined formula to achieve HER orgasm.

A lot of the time, sex in a relationship is like a deluxe jerk-off. Optimally, both parties achieve satisfaction in a stimulating if not slightly perfunctory way. All the ‘go-to’ maneuvers are in place, and climax is pretty much ensured. It’s consistently decent – unless it’s not. To me consistent decency is what you want to shoot for in every aspect of life, whether it be a restaurant, a bowel movement, or relationship sex. If the consistency is not there, problems ensue. Some people have a problem with describing sexual intimacy as 'decent' - my girlfriend included - but to me 'decency' ranks right up there with any of the superlatives. Personally speaking, if I can maintain consistently decent sex after a year with someone, then that's the top of the pops! Usually I get sick of fucking the same person after 3-4 months.

Now, I’m not saying that ‘relationship sex’ shouldn’t vary in terms of eroticism, physicality, or emotional investment, I’m just saying one shouldn’t expect ‘le sex show’ every night. In the first place, I was never one of those ‘sex guys’ anyway. I mean, I enjoy it don’t get me wrong, it’s just not my fucking raison d’etre. I’ve known those types of guys, they’re the ones getting ‘happy endings’ at some Korean massage parlor in mid-town. They’re the ones with skin that looks like it’s been soaked in the brine of a thousand cunts.

That’s just not me.

I don’t think a relationship should revolve around sex. Sure, it should be part of it, but lets be honest here, once you’re with someone for a while, sex becomes just another thing you both do together, like having dinner, or watching the tube. Of course, once you’re in the thick of it, your brain shuts off and you turn into the monkey, but the world floods in almost instantly upon orgasm, almost as if it had all been a dream.

Some people are hyper-sexual, and in turn their relationships become sexualized. I’ve never known that to work long term. At least I’ve never experienced that – of course I’m not hyper-sexual. That’s not to say that I’m grandma moses in the sack, I’m just not a guy who has oils and vibrating eggs in a ‘goodie drawer’.

It’s just one leg of the three legged stool that makes it all up.

1)Sex, 2) liking their brain, and 3) accepting and enjoying them for who they are – because they’ll never change anyway.

bar rafieli

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: more WOULDJARATHER.. SEXUAL choices for the PERVERTED!!.. plus the throb

zeitgeisty — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:10:00 GMT

As you may know by now, I like to come up with "interesting" sexual scenarios, and decide which ones I'd rather take part in if I was FORCED to... So I put it to you good people in a tasteful piece I like to call.. WOULDJARATHER!!

Wouldjarather lick mayonnaise from in between Louie Anderson’s rolls of fat...

...or get an enema from Howie Mandel?

Wouldjarather ride reverse cowgirl on the frozen cock of Walt Disney (headless and cryogenically frozen)...

...or get anally raped by Mr. T?

Wouldjarather get a blumpkin by the Mom (Amy Roloff) on ‘Little people Big World’...

...or shave Camille Paglia’s graying pubic hair?

Wouldjarather have Helen Gurley Brown lick honey out of your asshole...

...or have Nancy Reagan slap you in the face with her flapping labia majora?

Wouldjarather swim open mouthed across a raging river of diarrhea...

...or fuck Paris Hilton without a condom while she’s on the rag, and you’ve got a gash on your penis?

Wouldjarather finger- bang your sister...

...or have a jolly rancher wedged sideways up your ass for 6 years?

Wouldjarather slurp ketchup off of Ronald McDonald’s Big Mac...

...or get stuffed with the Burger King’s Whopper?

Wouldjarather pop the zits and eat the pus out of Danny Bonaduce’s roid raged back...

...or have Jose Canseco take a dump on your left thigh?

Wouldjarather have an angry 3-way with Kevin James and James Belushi...

...or make gentle love with Wayne Newton?

Wouldjarather get a handjob from Freddy Kreuger...

...or tongue kiss Pinhead?

maria bartiromo

Walrus Comix

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose * new post up daily

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine - JUNK in 'da TRUNK: the ASS file...plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:55:00 GMT

Ok, so what have I covered thus far here at Date Machine… Hmm.. anal – check, facials – check, jugs – check, squirting – check, porn, commitment-phobia, relationship deal breakers, different kinds of vagina, sex quotients, fuckability VS. Beauty and nipples… check, check, check, check, check, check, check…

Hmmm...Where’s the ass post? I know there was a BANGIN’ ass post, but no actual post solely dedicated to the divine posterior. This is a travesty that must be immediately rectum-fied.

Now.. where to begin? Well, to tell the whole truth, I’ve always considered the tuchus to be second banana as far as MY banana was concerned. As you all may know by this point, I’m a breast man. Still, I do consider a shapely backside to be way up there on the boner scale I always have actually - even though recent history hasn't always been so kind to the ole' mudflaps.

Let's pause and reflect shall we?

Back in the 80s, girls were always shoving their buns into these impossibly tight and high – waisted style jeans like ‘Jordache’, ‘Sassoon’ and ‘Calvin Klein’. I was only a kid, but it never made much sense to me. I mean, at BEST what you came out with was a boyish slender hipped look with an ass like an ironing board, and at worst, well… you looked like 5 pounds of shit stuffed in a 2 pound sack.

The 90s weren’t much better, as women started sporting this ponderous ‘l.l. bean’ look. This style is best described as a lot of thick denim, pleating, acid wash and more high-waisted-ness. The thing is, with all that extra denim, in conjunction with the high-waist, the end result was the ‘GUNT’ - that 'attractive' bulge between your belly button and cunt that comes from far too much trouser material. Moreover, the ass with the addition of all that pleating and fabric looked positively pachyderm-esque.

It wasn’t until the early 2000s that the ass made a comeback. The rise on the jeans plummeted to sinfully delicious depths, and more and more belly flesh and ass crack exposed itself to the world. Now many people deride the ass crack, or jiggly belly, but I say it’s a whole lot better than that ridiculous GUNT nonsense. Let it out, get some air on it, ‘say no to crack’?

Fuck you!... Say 'YES!'.

Nowadays the rise has risen slightly, but the buttocks is still well on display, and displayed well. The world might be falling apart, however I must say that the cuts on slacks have gotten much better over the years.

When I was 15 I had a French teacher that was both astoundingly irritating, and quite actively unattractive, but she had an incredible ass. By ‘incredible’ I mean of course – incredibly BIG. It was floppy and bulgy and sloppy, yet I was unbearably fascinated and surging with raging streams of hormone over it. I must’ve jerked off to that ass 500 times that year. Of course, I think I also jerked off to the desk in my bedroom about 12 times as well – at 15 you pretty much jerk off to any object in your panorama at least once. Still, that does not take away from her glorious derriere. She always wore these tight pants as well - always multi colored. I remember one pair she favored especially well, a bright red number. When she wore those, it was like waving a neon cape in front of a tail crazy bull.

Ahhh... memories...

To conclude, I guess I’m still a man partial to sweater meat. If you've got a grand set of cans, you've hit a home run with me, but if you’ve got some junk in the trunk, then you ain’t doin’ too badly - solid double and triple in the gap. Good stuff, good on you kid - you’re aces with me.

Jessica Biel's ass...

Walrus Comix

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose * new post up daily

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: Fun with DATING CONFESSIONS - SEX BEZERKERS on the LOOSE!!.. plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:32:00 GMT

I love you people over at DATING CONFESSIONS!!!... You kooky, crazy kids you!

"I know this will get better, but all I can see is days and weeks without you to talk to, hold, have great sex with, laugh with, have Sinatra and Oasis night with. My loss, my huge yawning loss. Can it really not be yours too."

WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS: I miss getting dressed up in a tux with you, crooning ‘my way’, then beating the living shit out of each other whilst dissing Blur…

"Contrary to what's been said here, I make it my business to know about the sexual history of the women who could be girlfriend material. Some people don't date fat, skinny, smokers, etc etc. I don't date women who have put out on a first date, had one night stands or have cheated on previous relationships. If I'm told it's none of my business, then I move on because it is MY business to filter out women I don't want to be with. We all have different deal breakers, this one is mine."

WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS: I don’t want no stinkin’, skanky HOE-BAGS!!

"Finish what you're doing, and kiss me on the mouth."

WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS: After you jizz in my mouth, come here so I can give you a snowball.

"you give the worst head i've ever had! and your idea of foreplay is sooo inadequate. your heavy metal attitude is cliche at best. yet every night i wait for you to call and smile the whole time we're talking. tell me again why i like you so much?"

THIS IS WHY:

"I don't want to play games. I just want to dance and write poetry. don't make more of it then it is. You happen to be in the area and you will screw it up by making more out of it then I want. I just go on to find a new dance buddy who I write poems about."

THIS WAS TAKEN from the diary of Lance Bukowski - Charles’ 26 year old douchebaggy and completely talentless nephew…

"Dear 50 year old man, Please stop ogling me. Thanks."

AIRHEADGENIUS will you give the guy a break!!!

"Are men and women ever really just friends??"

DO YOUR RESEARCH –

"I hate you. You're inconsiderate, boorish, petulant, and egotistic. Fuck me."

INTERESTING FACTOID: This was the original closing line to ‘Gone With The Wind’.

"i tell everyone i dont like you and i only want to be friends. truth is i would date you in a heartbeat."

TRANSLATION: I’m a lying scumbag!

"Men: seriously - how much do you care if a woman is a few pound over weight - but yet accomplished, attractive, smart, happy in herself, etc.”

TRANSLATION: I’m a fat CEO looking to get laid.

drew barrymore

Walrus Comix

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose * new post up daily

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: Stay AWAY from my NIPPLES!!!....plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:08:00 GMT

I hate having my nipples touched in any way.

I’m being serious now - stay away! Don’t even think of coming near em’, don’t even breath on em’. Furthermore, I hate hearing the word ‘nipple’, especially if it's coming out of a dude's mouth... like if some hairy dude is talking about his nipples getting hard in the cold. If I hear some fucking hairy dude talkin’ about his nipples, I instantly hate him. Of course, I instantly hate most everyone.

As for you, I’m totally not joking – no nipple manipulation.

While you’re at it, get away from the whole upper neck / ear region. It feels like a fucking St. Bernard is sniffing me out of a snow bank. Stop that damn you! This is not turning me on in the slightest. If you continue, I’m gonna go turn on the food network…you still in that vicinity? Ok, I’m turning on the food network

– click –

Shit.. it’s Good Eats with Alton Brown.

I don’t know what’s worse, getting my nipples fondled, my ear sniffed or watching fucking Alton Brown. Why must you mess around with my head, just leave my nipples, upper neck and ear alone – please! Ok what are you doing now…no… no…no do not suck on my balls. Yes, you heard me, I don’t like you sucking on my balls. My balls are very sensitive, and your mouth is like if a fucking psychotic, ravenous shark and a Hoover got married, fucked angrily and had a clueless daughter that had absolutely no idea how to please a man. In fact just stay away from the scrotum area - you’ve lost your scrotum privileges.

Stop crying…stop crying damn you! Ok, get your face back down there, but don’t go near my nuts.

Why can’t you do that fancy double handed twist/ mouth manipulation when you suck on my cock? I’ve seen it a million times, jesus if you had a cock I’d show you how it’s done!! Ok… alright… that’s not bad, keep going. Yes, you’re in a groove, good friction..uh..easy on the teeth.. ok good. Jesus, will you keep your fucking hand off the nipples.

What’s your deal?? Do you not speak-a de English?

Get your face back down there…

Alright.. nice… YES.. good… stop the slurping, it’s cliché. Yes… alright.. good…

Ok I came - glad that’s over… Jesus..You wanna cuddle now? Sigh ok, for a few minutes I guess…

Will you keep your fucking nose out of my ear?

Janine Turner - Maggie from Northern exposure...

My other blog - Zeitgeisty : Born To Lose

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex machine: Are all women GAY?... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Looking back on all the women I've had relationships with, I’d have to say the majority of them have had at least some carpet munching experience.

At first I figured it was just a ‘type’ I attracted, or maybe even perhaps that I was attracted to, but now I’m starting to think that maybe all women have at one time or another either tried or thought about some same-sex dalliance. I read somewhere once that we’re all supposed to be at least a little bit gay, but I don’t buy that really. Of course I do dress very nattily and I enjoy watching the antiques road show, but I don’t think that truly qualifies. Still, if the “everyone’s gay” theory did hold true, I think it’s just by far easier for women to express it.

First off, society deems woman on woman action as titillating, and in college, it’s positively de rigeur for politically correct granola heads to eschew the meat headed varsity types and go for the Greenpeace snatch. Of course the irony is that the majority of those chicks usually end up with a totally conventional dude, thoroughly contradicting any of that hipster slit slurping.

Secondly, women are just more touchy feely than men are. I mean, they’re always touching their girlfriends, stroking and brushing, cradling their hand, kissing a cheek, holding back their vomit infused hair when they’re puking up their jello shooters… I could totally see how all that caressing could lead to some serious muff dive-age. A stroke here, a stroke there, all of a sudden Rhoda Bernstein’s got her lips wrapped around Bernice’s engorged clitoris, going at it like a rat on a gum drop.

Getting back to the women I’ve known, when it comes to their sexual proclivity, there’ve been a few dyed in the wool bi-sexuals in there, and a whole bunch of ‘experimenters’. In fact, there’ve only really been a couple that have had no inclination or experience whatsoever.

I asked my current girlfriend if she’d ever had any gay experience…

‘yeah kind of’

‘How so? You like snatch?’

‘no, just did that lame ass shit like kissing some random whore at a bar when drunk’

‘why?’

‘i dunno, who hasn’t? curiousity. I enjoy kissing, was drunk and was college age’

So I wonder again… Are all women somewhat gay? And if so, what are the implications here? Shouldn’t this universal Sapphic inclination be taken into account when thinking about the conventional ideal of the ‘man/woman’ relationship? Are men really even necessary in the equation??

marlene dietrich - lesbian icon

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: She was an ex NAZI, but she had spectacular JUGS..plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:37:00 GMT

The following is a recounting of an interesting date I went on a while ago - pre girlfriend.

From her photo she seemed very attractive, a bit like Natalie Portman, with a winsome smile gracing her delicate face. Definitely cute. Still, you never really know with these photos, I mean usually there's some sort of trickery in place. Either it's a photo from 1952, before the lobotomy, or all the photo gods were smiling down on the particular day the photo was taken, all the planets were aligned just so. You know the deal.

Anyway, I had a preliminary conversation the day before, and I must admit, it wasn't that promising. There were some definite warning bells a ringin'. In the first place, she was obviously quite troubled, rambling on a bit about some personal problems (the details of which I found more than a tad on the inappropriate side to discuss with a total stranger) and she also sounded pretty drunk. Still, I hate the phone, I hate talking on the phone, so I figured I'd meet up with her and see for myself what the score was.

So, we rendezvous at a café the following night, and the first thing I notice was, she had definitely gained a good 25 pounds since that photo of hers was taken. Additionally, her eyebrows were plucked to death. They looked like 2 little squiggles above her eyes, which were heavy lidded I might add. She had obviously knocked back a few before meeting up with me. I will say this, I didn't mind the weight at all, as I like women who've got a bit of meat on their bones, and she had a colossal rack. Overall, I would say in the right light she'd be definitely maybe almost semi-fuckable, especially if I were to get a couple of drinks in me, which I proceeded to do right quick!

Anyway.. We talk a bit, and it seemed to be going pretty well, although I can't ever really tell on these things, I'm always so detached. To tell the truth, I'm not really giving a rat's ass about the whole night other than a vague interest in fondling her tits... So..

After awhile, we move on to another bar (at her suggestion), she wanted to play pinball and knew of a place that had a good machine. I order her a vodka tonic, and I take another Dewar’s on the rocks. I'm starting to feel a bit better with some alcohol in me, and we get chummier.

After playing a bit, we go sit down, and talk some more. I ask her about where she went to school, and she says Athens, GA..

I say, 'Mmm. That's a pretty progressive southern town... REM and all that'...

She replies somewhat mysteriously, 'Well, not so much as far as the people I hung out with back then'.

I say, 'Oh yeah, that statement seems a bit ominous…'

She replies, 'Well they were pretty hard core'.

'How so?', I ask, 'Like, they listened to a lot of black flag and stuff?'

She says, 'Well no.. more so politically I guess'

I respond half jokingly, 'What? You hung out with a bunch of white supremacists or something?'..

She goes, 'well yeah.. but I’m reformed.. and I didn't share all their views'...

After dragging it out of her, I find out she hung with the neo-nazi crowd for 4 years. I guess she dated one of the leaders of the 'cause'. According to her, all her life she'd been seen as 'pretty' and 'delicate' and no one ever took her seriously, so she just wanted to hang out with the most 'bad-ass' people she could find, so people would respect her. I thought, 'jesus. She couldn't find some nice drug dealer, or hell's angel? She had to go straight to the neo-nazi contingent of 'badass'..? Well at least she didn't share ALL their views, just the hating blacks and Jews part..

By this point my head was swimming a bit. I wasn’t sure if it was the Dewar’s or her story, but I wasn’t feeling all too well. She continued talking about how she campaigned for Bush twice, was a pro-lifer and believed in the bible verbatim.

That’s when I realized how disgusting a human being I am. If she hadn’t have had those scrumptious jugs, I would have been gone like the wind in 60 seconds… no discussion.

Anyway, around this time, she drunkenly slumps in my direction, and all of a sudden she’s sticking her tongue down my throat. I’m not sure how to react, I actually never do that sort of thing, meaning, I don't think I've ever made out with anyone on the first date - let alone a nazi. Ok ‘reformed’ nazi.

I have to admit for a second it felt pretty good!

Of course, almost instantaneously I got the image of that tongue of hers exploring every hole and crevasse on the body of that scabby, inbred, sociopathic, redneck and I sobered up immediately.

I suggested we call it a night.

I walked her home, and interestingly enough, she lived in the exact same building as this awful ex girlfriend of mine, which seemed fitting. She was a nazi and the ex was the anti-christ - a pleasant pairing. Apparently that building was the portal to hell.

When I got home I felt ashamed of myself. I realized, for the briefest of instances, I might have been willing to sacrifice all my principles, everything I stood for, over a pair of bodacious ta tas. I'm truly a horrible human being. A disgusting amoral louse.. A pig.. I mean this girl was a mess… Totally off her rocker, an obvious raging alcoholic, clearly an anti-semite/racist and I really think she might have a serious problem with reality. Jesus…

She never called me back...

adele stephens

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: FCKABILITY vs BEAUTY: Which would you rather be FCKABLE or BEAUTIFUL?..plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:16:00 GMT

Beauty is elemental.

Humans are drawn to it like a magpie to a piece of coke bottle. We are fascinated by its innate power. Instinctively we feel elevated by merely basking in its presence. To have a beautiful partner is an impressive feat. It states emphatically to the world that you are someone to be reckoned with. You have ‘what it takes’. Beauty makes people stand up and take notice. Fuckability on the other hand makes our cocks and nipples stand up and take notice.

Now I’m not saying the two are mutually exclusive, one can certainly be both beautiful AND fuckable, but what about those simply either ‘fuckable’ or ‘beautiful’? Who would you rather be with? This is a tricky question, as society programs us to try and find the most beautiful partner we can possibly find. Still, what if you wind up with a partner of astounding pulchritude but with the sex appeal of a newt?

It’s very apparent that fuckability is not valued as highly, at least in the societal sense. To either be beautiful or with someone beautiful advances our place in the pecking order, however to be fuckable just increases our chance of getting laid. This seems logical, yet there’s more here than meets the eye.

Fuckability is not necessarily primarily an ‘appearance’ deal, oft times it’s just as tied up in personality, confidence, intelligence, and humor. All these traits are hard to come by for someone who has grown up beautiful. For most, when you’re beautiful, this becomes your identity. This is the foundation upon which your house is built. This is how you’re perceived. As a result, humor and intelligence aren’t necessary. Unfortunately, if your self-worth is all tied up in appearance, you tend to grow up being a shallow, boring asshole.

Yet, we all still bow to the convention of flawless symmetry.

Grace Kelly was beautiful but totally unfuckable.

Madonna was fuckable, but not beautiful.

Of course it’s a bit of a stretch, I mean Madonna was very pretty, but she wasn’t BEAUTIFUL. We perceived her as a ‘boy-toy’ a persona of her own creation, however in real life would we want that as a partner?

The irony is, more valuable qualities go into being ‘fuckable’, qualities that make for better relationships. Things like creativity, quick wit, sensuality, and tenderness.

So I put it to you.. which would you rather be or be with – ‘beautiful’ or ‘fuckable’?

Madonna... FUCKABLE!

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

date/SEX machine: Telling the TRUTH in relationships....plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:59:00 GMT

Everything in life, all we hold dear to our hearts, the totality of mankind, EVERYTHING is based on lies. Flat out lies. Not mamby pamby bending of truths, and ‘bobbing and weaving’, but completely unadulterated lies.

Religion, true love, relationships, the pie in the sky, the American dream, family… it’s all based on one eternal river of manure that’s been flowing since the beginning of time.

Do we ever tell the absolute truth about anything? Fuck no! This is how most relationships work, people need to delude themselves and lie to their partners to keep it going at all costs. The problems start to arise when people STOP lying. Take a look at who you’re with right now.. Does she think you’re ‘the one’? Do you think she’s ‘the one’? If you asked her who the best lover she’s ever had was, do you think it’d be you? Is she more attracted to you than anyone she’s ever been with? Are you attracted to her? What does she REALLY think about you? Do you want to know?

Do we want to know the absolute truth?

Don’t get me wrong, I want to know the FACTS i.e. health (mental and physical), proclivities (sexual and otherwise), etc.. Do I want to know the TRUTH? Well, I’m a bit of a masochist, so I have been caught up in that thorn bush before. In fact, I would probably say it’s my Achilles heel. Still, I’m fucked up, I’m no example! If you want to live the life of the mind and be miserable then go with truth.. if you want to be happy – LIE.

I believe if we REALLY knew what other people thought about us, we’d be so traumatized we couldn’t function. I’d venture to say, even our family members probably harbor some very troubling thoughts about us. I mean, look at Uncle Charlie over there…he’s all shifty eyed – who knows what he’s thinking!

In relationships, we’re usually all the 3rd choice of who we’re with.. at best 2nd choice. I mean it stands to reason doesn’t it? When are we ever on an equal footing? So all this being said, what’s so wrong about telling people what they want to hear? I mean, even if it comes to naught, and the relationship peters out, at least we come away from it not completely demoralized, decimated and broken.

Now, let me just add to this mix the fact that I think people are way too oblivious about life in general. One should always be ‘on point’ in order to not get blindsided by whatever might come down that pike. I’ve learned long ago that keeping one’s guard up is not a negative thing as many people say it is. In fact - it’s essential! I’m prepared for anything. I’ve had some horribly devastating ‘truths’ hurled at my head with diamond like precision, and I’ve weathered it all, because I never let my guard down.

Some might say that living a life of lies, constantly on guard for an assault of truth is no way to live at all… I agree. Still, this is the fabric that clothes us all. There’s no escaping the ultimate truth that life is ‘nasty, brutish and short’. This is across the board. Humans are dangerous creatures, we treat each other horribly, we treat other animals horribly, and we treat our own selves horribly - not only horribly, but with a distinct cruelty.

So, when I hear all this righteous indignation about ‘the truth’ , I’m always really taken back by the naiveté. No one you’re in a relationship with wants to hear the truth. They want to be in the arms of someone that is warm, and comforting.. someone that is only thinking of them. They don’t want to hear about your uncertainties, doubts, or misgivings… They want to be LIED TO!

EVERYTHING IS BASED ON LIES... flat out LIES.

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: How much SEX is enough?? - How many times a week are you BANGING?...plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:08:00 GMT

When it comes to sex, I find taking part in it once or twice a week is more than sufficient - especially if I’m in a long term relationship.

I’ve always been the same way, even in my teens and twenties, I’m like a camel - I can subsist on less. Perhaps it’s a result of all those long stretches of desert I had to endure in my adolescence and early adulthood. I’m just not a sex monster. I think this is why I look young for my age. You can tell all those guys that have had a lot of sex in their lives, their skin gets all leathery as if It’s been soaked in the brine of a million cunts. Of course, all that being said, I’m no grandma Moses. I mean, if I’m overcome with an overwhelming urge to merge, I’m certainly not going to deny myself the pleasures of the flesh. Still, if I were going to judge by some of the talk bandied about on sites such as this, it would seem that my libido is comparatively anemic next to the hormone raging sex-a-holics running around out there.

Unfortunately my needs are sometimes at odds with my girlfriend’s. I’m sure she’d probably want a good shtupping every day of the week. How I know this? Well first off she’s younger than me, less beaten down by life, and finally she’s always telling me she wants to be shtupped! As Mick jagger once opined about black girls, on the track ‘some girls’ – I just don’t have that much JAAAAaaaMMMmm. Seriously though, I would truly love to accommodate her, and increase her quality of life with my magic shlong on a daily basis, but between work, gym, writing, etc… often I just don’t have the energy.

Still, there’s also this other more ambiguous contingent.

Sometimes I actually feel like having some sex, but for some indefinable reason, I just feel frozen. I don’t know if its leftover shyness from some cretaceous period way back in my early days, or perhaps laziness in some way, whatever the reason, the deed doesn’t get done. Now, personally I think a couple times a week in a steady relationship feels right for me. In most past relationships, after around 4-5 months with someone, I would get so bored that the sex would shrivel up and die completely. Subsequent ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ conversations would ensue, and that would be the end of that.

My current relationship still continues to hum along nicely in the sex department – at least as far as I’m concerned.

The major question for all of you is – ‘How much is enough?’

What are your sex requirements in general, and specifically when you find yourself in a relationship. Once a week? 7 times a day?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Cleopatra - new 3d rendering believed to be the closest to what she actualy looked like.

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: French postcards - PORN for GEEKS!!... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:16:00 GMT

For those of you that haven't caught on yet, I was a bit of a geek in High School. Strike that – ringing affirmative I was a complete and total geek. Not a nerd mind you - as nerds actually did well in math and shit like that - no I was a geek.

My teenage years were very similar to the first half of the Karate Kid, except, with no karate, Elizabeth Shue or Mr. Miyagi . Ahh, Screw that bad analogy.. I guess I was kind of like a less cool Anthony Michael Hall from 16 candles, the untucked dress shirt, the untied reebok hi-tops, you know – King of the dipshits. Women to me were these unreachable, unknowable objects that kind of floated around way out there into the furthest far flung corners of my galaxy. They were like black holes – If you'll pardon the pun.

Anyway, as my socialization skills were pretty retarded, and since the crowd I hung out with was completely devoid of anything remotely female, you may ask, what was a poor adolescent geek raging with hormones to do as far as any kind of 'release' was concerned?

Well, I played on my Apple IIe a lot. I traded a ton of floppy disks with my fellow loser friends. Watched a lot of Woody Woodpecker after school, followed by the Brady Bunch, then Carol Burnett, then MASH.. ah… well you get the point.. Once in a while they'd have Planet of the Apes week for the ABC 4:30 movie, that would make me happy. Aside from that, there really wasn't a whole hell of a lot of 'release'.

Recently I was having a discussion about my teenage years with a colleague at work (another former geek). We reminisced about the BASIC days pre-internet. Back then information was shared through passing floppy disks back and forth through an extremely intricate and complex geek network. Most of this 'information' came in the form of games. How it worked, was one alpha geek would buy a game (or steal it) from a store like 'electronics boutique', then he would hack into it, break through the security, copy it and pass it around. He would then place his handle triumphantly at the beginning of the game and gain notoriety throughout the geek universe. These cracked games would make their way clear across the country.

Quick aside, to just give you a bit of a briefing on the floppy disk thing (for some of you younger readers, and non-geeks), before the cd-rom, there was the 3 inch disk, and before that there was the 5 ¼ floppy disk.

The other day, I got to thinking about this one 'game' called French Postcards which got passed around a lot. To tell the truth, it wasn't actually a 'game' per se, it was basically these pornographic lo–res cartoons very simply animated by superimposing one image on top of another, and flipping back and forth. They had a bunch of different ones, one involving a girl with a salami, a farmer's daughter, a lascivious long tongued Frenchman in a beret, etc... The thing is, I realize now that the purpose of this game must've been onanistic.

It's funny to think about that now, because at the time we just thought it was HILARIOUS!! I can still remember a bunch of us losers crowded around the monochrome monitor watching this stuff and just howling with laughter. The images were just so completely ridiculous, and empirically humorous. In no way, shape or form could they possibly be 'usable' in a sexual regard. Still, looking back on it I'm sure that was the intent. This gets me wondering, just who was using these images auto-erotically? God, I shudder to think.

During the summer of my 15th year, I went on a crash diet. I ate one bowl of cereal a day, and 10 speeded all over the county 'til my legs became like 2 bars of iron! By the time I went back to school in the fall, I was 60 pounds lighter and 7 inches taller. Soon I'd be driving, and my obsession with the Apple IIe would dissolve in to the coffee cup of my past like so much granulated sugar.

before

after

Eventually, my parents would get a VCR… …and with that, my entry into the world of REAL porn would begin.. in earnest…but that's a whole 'nother story… altogether.

Chorus: "THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY!"

Anyway, whenever I look back on those days, the phrase 'youth is wasted on the young' clangs in my head like Chuck Barris' gong, filling me with this horrible, insistent and relentless nausea. God, was I a moron. If only I hadn't been so terminally clueless about so many things. All these empty and meaningless ways I came up with in order to pass time 'til I got older. What a waste, but what are you gonna do? I suppose watching Planet of the Apes a lot, and laughing over cartoon porn is kind of quaint in a way, if not utterly pathetic.

Makes you wonder about kids today though, and what they're up to. All that myspacing and facebooking.. Fuck, these kids aren't just thinking about sex, or talking about it, they're HAVING it!... and not only are they having sex, but they're probably having sophisticated, bonafide GREAT sex! I mean, they have the internet.. It's all out there!!! the mind boggles!! Jesus…What did I have?

French Postcards…

Samantha Morton - reprise!

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: Rate THEIR pick-up lines - some letters I've received through the ONLINE PERSONALS...plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

As there's been a lot of discussion over at Amboabe's and Fishnet's stations lately about the way men and women approach each other predatorily and otherwise and all these shaky perceptions we all seem to have as far as 'rates of success' in dating/sex/love are concerned. I figured it might be interesting to share with you some letters I'VE received from women, when I was still using the NERVE personals. Unfortunately for this blog entry, I actually deleted most of my mailbox, but it does give a general sense that there's really not too much of a difference gender-wise in the way we reach out to each other....

“DON’T BLOCK ME FUCKTARDS”

they are freaks. maybe the sarcasm in "you're not funny" didn't register (that was the headline of the first message i sent to you)
i wish the politeness police were around when some ugly perv here was sending me links to his homemade porn site featuring his pasty white ass. how thoughtful.

what i said was that we have similar ideas about what constitutes a proper first date. and i also asked if you are looking for just a friend.

(I think this one was commenting on the fact that NERVE initially blocked her letter)

“HEY YOU!”

just thought i'd send you an email and tell you that you are indeed very handsome. but, i am sure you get that all the time. do you also get the whole "you're so awesome, why are YOU single?" ? i certainly do and it drives me up a fucking wall. i have no major flaws, save for the fact that i talk during movies sometimes (but not in the theatre; just at home in front of TV).

anyhow, what is your story?

“Hello”

you seem nice, cute, funny...
but what really got me was the picture of you with the elvis costello album cover. thats hot!
let's chat?

“YES!”

ha! what a great profile you have...
so much more interesting and real than
the others who write on this site.

..although, some might think mine is a tad boring as i don't like to make my naughty side too evident.

write me if you wanna hang sometime as friends~

At last I’ve found you

but where does this bedtime paradise lie exactly> lie exactly? In duvet cover? egyptian sheets? tastefully covered shams? Th perfectly downy summer-weight blanket? Irresistibly fluffy bolster-size pillows?

I'd also like o know where you've procured your collection of saddle shoes. Sadly, in a rare act of rebellion, my mother disposed of all the pairs she had to wear through twelve years of catholic school, and I sincerely feel this is a severe phantom-limb irony to my otherwise hip and eclectic sartorial closet. You don't happen to know of someplace that manufactures them in middle-range ladies sides.

And if you're not bored of me yet, would you mind explainig why you've selected Redford as you releb-resemblence, when you so clearly take after Pacino on the Golden age pre-sceenery-chewing years? Or do all the girls tell you that?

----------------

As you see, these are all decent introductions I suppose, but hardly mind blowing stuff. In fact, I must say in each of these cases I gave a polite response but ultimately never followed up. The interesting part of all this, is how I keep hearing from so many women that the letters they receive are so uninspiring! Well ladies, in the end we're all the same really... just as uninspiring or awesome, bland or zesty... you just happen to like things in prettier colors than we do.

Patti Boyd.... the inspiration for Eric Clapton's song 'Layla'

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Machine: The three MAIN categories of WOMEN.. plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:45:00 GMT

In my experience, I find most people are easily categorized.

Perhaps that makes me a judgmental bastard, but I can live with it. As far as I see it, men fall into a few more basic categories than women do, these include;

The Lunkheads- which comprises every type of sports, gun, car, or fitness fanatic.

The Bottom Dollars - those obsessed with money and all things material...the ones that got the IPhone the first day it came out.

The Faux Empathists - these include all those whiny sensitive poet types, vegans, and those with an intense love for Kate Bush... also anyone who ever voted for Nader

The Dudes - these include the pabst blue ribbon crowd, the ones that wear their caps SIDEWAYS... anyone that uses the word dude - extra points for those that call women 'dude'

The Geeks - those that haven't been properly socialized, that live on the edge of society, comix lovers, vinyl enthusiasts and extra points for the ones with asperger's syndrome..

With women, I feel there are really only three main categories...

D'ems dat choose, d'ems dat be chosen, and d'ose atypical types, all irregular around da borders...

Let's take the first main category - D'ems dat CHOOSE.

These are the 'sex and the city' types, the alpha women. They blissfully steamroll through life getting what they want due to their superior looks and charisma. These women pick and choose men with supreme ease, never really getting too serious with anyone. They definitely hold all the cards in their relationships, and have a way of constantly keeping their prey off guard, never making them feel too secure, in fact always giving them the sense that dump-age is imminent. These women are power-houses, in fact the normal rules don't apply to them. They can go well into their 50s playing the same game. The only thing able to stop them in their tracks is their 'mr. big', usually some douchebag who's either very rich, very good looking or both. Eventually every Alpha woman will meet their match, and when they do, that's the end of the road. Usually it all ends up in a bar, divorce court, on Youtube, or the Real Housewives of Orange County.

The next category - D'ems dat be chosen...

This is the most common category. These women include the ones not quite good looking or charismatic enough to hold all the cards. Insecurity reigns supreme here, as there are many in this waiting room that suffer through all sorts of mental disorders ranging from body dysmorphia to borderline personality disorder. These women rarely have the wherewithal to wind up with anyone they truly want, rather relying on chance - or the kindness of strangers... Some of these women can be very good looking, so for men seeking bargains, this is a good bin to rustle around in if you're looking for something pretty to throw around the house - until you get sick of it that is. In the end, these women usually wind up with a nice, boring, stable guy if they're lucky, and genital warts and a 3 week stint at bellevue if they're not...

The third and rarest category of all, are the atypical irregulars. These are the women that somehow miraculously escape all social conventions, and are actually unique individuals that defy categorization. In other words, these are the albino elephants, the unicorns... SASQUATCH. Intelligent and attractive women that have no desire to play games, that are interested in topics which range beyond 'occupation', 'station' and 'verbal masturbation'... Unfortunately one can go an entire lifetime without ever encountering one of them, as they are truly elusive creatures. These are the types you've heard tales about... Those that you spend an entire weekend with, all rain tat-a-tat-tating on the rooftop as you listen to the white album, sharing a bottle of wine... Personally, I think it's all a myth like the tooth fairy, but every once in a while a message gets sent back from a friend of a friend of a friend, confirming the existence of these wondrous beasts...

My advice is jump into the second pool, where most of us reside and pick a good one!... A bargain is better than a myth as far as I'm concerned...

kate winslett

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: My obligatory posting on CYBER-SEX... plus throbbage..

zeitgeisty — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:09:00 GMT

Cyber-sex… I’m a fan.

Let me get that right out into the open. I have no shame in admitting this to the world. After all, I like to write, and I enjoy a good wank, so it’s like two great tastes that taste great together. Cyber is the fucking Reeses peanut butter cup of sex!! Of course, sometimes you’re just not in the mood to get all verbose typing away to your fair cyber-maiden on the myriad of ways you can manipulate her clitoris to orgasm, but usually I find it highly enjoyable. I mean think of it, for me it’s pretty much a perfect past time.. I get to write, no bodily fluids are exchanged, and usually my orgasm is pretty explosive. Seriously ladies, when I’ve written something like..‘OOOHhhhHHHh.. CUMMMING!!! …I came like a firehose baby… thanks so much’, I’m totally being sincere! I’ve actually just come like a firehose.. You have my word. I wouldn’t lie!

Still, it’s no fun if the girl on the other end isn’t diddling along with you.

Some guys don’t care either way, they just wanna get off with some dirty talk – not me. I feel guilty if my partner isn’t satisfied, even if it’s cyber-satisfaction we’re talking about. A lot of women complain that it’s too hard to masturbate and IM at the same time. I say if I can do it YOU can do it. Often times they whine about not being able to juggle the appropriate dildoes and type with the other hand, or that they don’t have a laptop, etc… I can sympathize with circumstance, and in these cases maybe cyber-sex is not the proper course of action… Perhaps smoke signals?? That’s what the Indians used to do in the old days!

Then again, sometimes a woman would rather do the whole ‘phone sex’ deal.

I’m still on the fence as far as that’s concerned. I’ve mentioned before, that I absolutely HATE talking on the phone, so right off the bat I’m not in my comfort zone. In fact, I think out of all human interactions, phone-sex is probably the one I’m clumsiest at. I never really know what to say, I hem and haw, I sort of hate the sound of my voice, it just feels AWKWARD… That’s not to say I haven’t done it. I think I really enjoyed it like ONE time in my life – I liked the sound of her voice…

Sometimes, if a woman is really colossal she’ll send you pictures! I love when that happens, it’s a true delight. You know what? It’s hard to believe, but I’ve never gotten a picture I didn’t like!.. I’m the Will Rogers of dirty photos. To me it really adds to the proceedings, having the photo open while I’m cybering around with a good lady-chick to me is a grand experience. One should not belittle it as mere ‘jerking off’.. No, here are two people involved together, mutually masturbating, it’s a true interaction – it’s teamwork for godsakes – IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY!!. Hell, I’ve had cyber-sessions that were better than actual sex, fuck I’ll admit it freely to anyone who’ll listen! Still, even I have my limits…

I’ll never do web-cam.

First off, I don’t even have a web-cam, and if I did, I wouldn’t even know how to use it – and I work on a website!!! It just seems…well.. like it would be twice as awkward as phone sex with the added insecurity about how you look! What if the entire time you’re jerking off you’ve got a booger in your nose, or worse yet in your moustache? What if the face you make during orgasm makes you look like you’re taking a shit? What if the lighting’s bad?? I’m NOT ready for my close-up mr. Demille!!!!

Sorry.. I like the gestalt of straight cyber-sex.

It’s almost literary, a tad austere, clean… I never feel dirty after cyber-sex, or nauseous. I have great affection for those kind ladies that partake in the act with me. In fact, over the years I’ve had a few very close cyber-relationships with some very lovely gals. A couple of times, I’ve even considered the idea of cyber-marriage, or at least cyber-moving in together, but with that comes the fear that the cyber-sex would become monotonous and stale, so I cyber-dump them before I get too cyber-committed…

I guess what I’m trying to convey here is that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this absolutely lovely activity. No one gets hurt, writing skills are improved, and hopefully orgasms are achieved. Plus, there’s none of that pesky cuddling or doing the walk of shame home at 3 in the morning. You just get to nod off to sleep to pleasant dreams, slightly stickier, but no worse for wear.

In the immortal words of Louis B Mayer, inventor of the symbol for infinity..

‘some day the human race will learn to eschew the flesh and delve into the mind with a penetrative eroticism heretofore unexperienced, and yay and yon, it shall be called CYBER and it shall be good!’..

Of course Louis isn’t altogether ‘right in the head’, he’s the bag boy at the Food Emporium up the street from my apartment, and I seriously doubt HE’S the one that came up with the infinity symbol, no matter what he says..

gloria grahame...

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

the importance of finding true sexual compatibility

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: The IMPORTANCE of finding TRUE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:54:00 GMT

Back in olden times, before people were free to properly express their innermost desires to each other, if one were to get stuck in a pewter-dull relationship devoid of any electricity there’d be little recourse – one merely soldiered on.

Nowadays however, in the ‘information age’, everyone knows what they want, and more specifically ‘who they are’ as far as their sexual proclivities and identity are concerned. All day long we’re bombarded by sex, just like the Fantastic Four when they got caught in that radioactive cosmic shower. We’ve all been mutated into our own unique SEXUAL superhero personae, complete with individual penchants, quirks, and fetishes.

The real trick is to find someone compatible.

It used to be that one would never understand the true sexual nature of their partner until well into the relationship – if ever! If you were lucky, it would turn out ok, but in a lot of cases not so much. People would get married thinking that they’d found ‘the one’, when in point of fact the sexual divide between them - which had lay invisible due to the rigid mores of the age - was completely un-crossable. So tragically, these seemingly perfect marriages from the outside, would devolve and turn to sludge on the inside, leaving a trail of tears along the way – not to mention the added consequence of filling up countless generations of their offspring’s heads with wrong-headed lessons about love and sexuality.

This is why I feel it’s a total necessity that these things be discussed between two prospective partners from the onset. In otherwords - AS SOON AS POSSIBLE PEOPLE!!! I’m serious. This should be first date discussion. Get it right out in the open and proclaim your likes, dis-likes, perversions, idiosyncrasies, divulge you secret SEXUAL superhero identity! If you don’t, and you wind up with someone down the line who’s incompatible, well – that’s just an uphill climb.

In the end all of this is far more important than the meaningless cookie-cut drivel most people indulge in during a first date. Seriously, I don't care what 'you do' or about some horrible band you saw last week at South Paw in Brooklyn....

Do you like anal? Facials? Masturbating in front of each other? Titty fucking? Being slapped in the face with my shlong? ... I'm talking simple basics here!!!

Now I know that some of you might feel that this is not appropriate first date discussion, that there should be a certain amount of mystery involved, that things should be revealed in a process. I think that’s old-fashioned bullshit. In fact, if possible, I think this stuff should be talked about even BEFORE you meet for the first date! Today, many of us approach each other through the internet - which has it’s own set of cons attached to it - however, one of the biggest upsides to this auspice, is that we can learn about each other before we even hook up. The time saving aspect is priceless as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of people that misinterpret this frank type of dialogue as ‘coarse’ or ‘sleazy’.

Well, all I can say is don’t cry four months down the road when you’re stuck with someone that can’t ring your bell.

Some might say that compatibility can be ‘achieved’, that if two people truly love each other, all that’s necessary is the willingness to ‘accommodate’ .

‘accommodate’ – ugh… To me there’s no bigger buzz-kill than having some chick martyr herself on the altar of my sexual perversions.

True compatibility means these sexual impulses are SHARED, that accommodation is not necessary. You see, no matter how willing someone is to do the things necessary to make you happy in the sack, unless they don’t truly get off on the same things you do, the long-term health of the relationship is at risk.

One must be open about what they like or else revel in the inevitability of the corporal drone - the dulling, grinding down and ultimate decimation of ones sexual identity. Tell your partners what you like, take initiative in the sack, make the effort and don’t hold back for fear of being rebuffed as it may turn out that what makes you tick is the same clockwork that lies inside your partner.

These days we have choice, we’re not subject to the moral tyrannies we once were, and we shouldn’t slip back into erroneous thinking for the sake of ‘mystery’. If you want a good mystery, watch ‘the Maltese Falcon’….

…if you want a good fuck, lay your cards on the table – as soon as possible!

Barbara Stanwyck!!!

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine: Will you just take my PENIS in your HAND already!!!... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Will you just take my penis in your hand already for goddsakes? I mean what is your PROBLEM!!!???

I don’t know how many times this thought has bounced around inside my head like a superball on methedrine. I understand that there are rules, I get that it’s considered uncouth to simply go stampeding towards the nether-regions right out of the gate, however I personally don’t need the whole psychological dilly-dally. Hand meet penis, now…shake – with feeling!

I mean, I know the score.. I’ve seen movies! Whenever two hot-to-trot individuals get really frothy, they bounce off walls, and bang into things causing distress and broken plates. Invariably the sexy chick goes for the virile stud’s crotch, scrambling to get his belt undone.

Why doesn’t this ever happen to me?

You know what I’ve usually gotten? Just a bunch of kissing, and tentative hands fingertipping their way all over the terrain, yet never grabbing the gold until I’m practically too tired to bang, and then it’s all feeble and pawing at it, like one might poke at some carrion by the side of the road..

Will you just take my shlong in your hand already for goddsakes?

Seriously, what do I have to do? I don’t want to have to physically place your hand on my cock, because that defeats the whole purpose. YOU must do it. Alright, I get the whole foreplay deal, and believe me I won’t skimp on you, don’t worry. I’ll take my time, and circle around, double back and inspect all areas at length, but for me, no such drawn out maneuvers are necessary.

When you first meet someone, and you know sexy-time is imminent down the line, like in the not too distant and quite foreseeable future, one tends to build up a head of steam. Unfortunately a lot of the time, the initial contact tends to play out in dribs and drabs, a lot of tip-toe-ing around the good bits, and lengthy forays at the boring parts like the elbow, earlobe, arms, and knees….

For christsakes… will you just take my shlong in your goddamned-able hand ?

How long do I have to keep pretend- moaning while you gnaw at my neck in a decidedly irritating way ? My cock is bobbing up and down like a buoy on rough seas, it needs attending to. All this hemming and hawing gives me a pain in the ass. Show me some passion and take hold, take me to pleasure town. Let’s get down. I don’t get any harder than this damn you!!!.. In other words, and for the last time…

Will you just take my penis in your hand already for goddsakes???

Sarah Varone

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Date Confessions: Even more SNARKY and ASSININE responses to Nerve Dating Confessions... plus throbbage

zeitgeisty — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Happy Monday everyone...

"Can we just fuck already?"

I believe this was Bill Clinton’s original campaign slogan.

"Jesus christ. Could you at least get mad once in a while? Like a normal human?"

He’s the son of GOD for crying eye!!... He’s not a ‘normal human’. He turns the other ass cheek don’tcha know!

"I'm totally in love with my new accelerator mass spectrometer!"

The nerd version of a power drill.

"If I see a girl's room for the first time and there isn't a single memorable, interesting, or scary (seriously) thing there, I find no reason to go back."

What about if you see her seriously scary snatch in said room… would that prompt a return visit?

"I am a 22F and I've dated a few guys but I just find penises gross and have never touched one willingly. The thought of intercourse is nice, but the thought of touching one with my hand or mouth to try and pleasure a guy just does not turn me on AT ALL. Looking at women's torsoes doesn't get me going as much as looking at men's torsoes, but, I can easily imagine myself enjoying pleasuring a woman allover. I'm so confused about my sexuality. Do I sound gay to you?"

Perhaps you’re a Centaur trapped in a human’s body?

"I'm a guy dating a girl who just will not commit to going down on me...but at the same time she loves it when I venture below her belt. First time I've been with someone like this. What the fuck gives?"

Please see above… we think she might be a Centaur.

"you go limp when i try to suck your cock...wtf, i've done this for many a man and never had this happen, thanks for that ego blow!!"

Amboabe!!! You’re giving this poor girl a complex!!

"I would never, ever have sex with anyone who uses the word "cum.""

How about Jizz-tastic love juice?

"There are few things more satisfying than sparking a tremendous debate on the Nerve Confessions chatroom."

Toluca, I’m gonna ask you ONE more time… please leave these poor confessors alone!!

"The ultimate form of sexual expression is someone you can massage for a couple of hours, tease for a quarter of an hour, have oral with with for a half hour (what is it with you people anyway about that?) and then fuck for as long as you can, long, slow, hard, fast, quick, deep, shallow, all that. That's love makin' the real deal yo."

Shit dawg, your kung-fu be weak.. you forgot the 13 minutes of tiddly winks, the 7 minutes of anal probing with 3 q-tips tied together with horsehair, 11 minutes of running around the apartment wearing nothing but a mask of Lee Iacocca and then of course the FACE FROSTING motha fucker… and by that I mean dumping a can of Duncan hines on your bitch’s face! Now THAT’S the real deal playa!

jennifer lopez's ass..

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Personal Confessions: 5 things I'm thankful for...plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Apropos to Amboabe's latest post, on the eve of Thanksgiving, I'll give you 5 things I'm thankful for as well....

1) Black coffee, and the sweet remembrance of smoking.

2) I just got a playstation 2 last weekend.. great stuff. I recommend Hot shots Golf Fore.

3) I may not have exacted my revenge on all those deserved, however I still have some time, and for that I am thankful.

4) George W. Bush's last days.

5) That I still look this damned good when I wake up first thing in the morning...

November 26 2008

No that's not me... that's rachel maddow

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name

Sex Machine : LICKING ass and taking names - my ANAL fixation... plus throbbage.

zeitgeisty — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:27:00 GMT

I enjoy licking some ass.

Whenever I have occasion to go down on a snatch, I always attend to the ole' chocolate starfish as well. Some people find this revolting, yet I feel it’s terribly unfair to the poor little pursed mouthed poop shoot to just completely ignore it. I mean I figure If I’m gonna take the time to visit downtown, I might as well pop over to the smelly neighbor next door to exchange a few pleasantries.

The detractors might state that it’s unsanitary, that you could possibly pick up some strange hoof and mouth like disease, where your lips shrivel up and turn brown, but I just say they’re all playa haters. I’ve never had a problem down there, save for this one time where I did find a trace of something that resembled a kernel of corn. Still, ONE kernel of corn could never dissuade my lustful thirst for ass.

I’m sure psychologically my ass fixation must typify me in some way. Perhaps I’m an anal expulsive – someone fixated in the anal stage of psycho-sexual development. You see, an anal expulsive personality is broadly defined as exhibiting cruelty, emotional outbursts, disorganization, self-confidence, liberal-mindedness, (sometimes) artistic ability, generosity, rebelliousness and general carelessness.

This description pretty much sums me up PERFECTLY.

To think that my entire personality stems from a conflict with my parents during toilet training is truly amazing. It is very true however, that I had an extremely difficult time with the whole ‘wiping my own ass’ thing. I think I was like 7 or 8 years old before I got the hang of it. I remember I would have to call my parents whenever I was done taking a dump….

‘MAMA… BABA (that’s what I call my father) … I’m FINIIISSSSHHHEEED!!!!!!’

Sometimes if company was over, I’d have to stay in the bathroom for hours waiting to hear my mother pass by the bathroom door to catch her attention, so she could come in and wipe my ass. It was very stressful.

I can remember clear as day the first time I cleaned my own asshole. It was in elementary school, and I desperately needed to take a dump. I think I had the ‘chuckwagon’ at lunch, which was bologna and cheese heated on a bun, and it disagreed with me. Anyway, there I was STUCK. There was no way I was going to ask the teacher to wipe my ass, I mean, I was almost old enough to get a driver’s license for godsakes! So I sat there for a few minutes… then I looked at the toilet roll hanging on the wall, then I looked down at my turd floating happily in the murky yellow toilet water, then I looked at the roll again.. and suddenly it was like that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey when the apes learn how to kill from the Monolith. I swear I could hear the stirring melody of ‘Thus Spake Zarathustra’ resounding in my head. I reached for the paper and took care of business – if a bit clumsily. No matter, my ass was more or less clean.

Could all of this sturm and drang really have influenced me sexually? It does kind of make sense.

Some women have asked me what it is exactly that turns me on about anal, licking ass, and all that ass-related play, and I could never really give any kind of an answer that could satisfy them suitably. It’s just something about the illicit nature of it all - that it’s something you’re not supposed to do. It’s especially a turn on if the woman is really INTO it as well - the fact that SHE’S turned on by this naughtiness is a mouthwatering rush.

In the end, we all view sex through our own individual little chunks of coke bottle and mine just happens to be tinted in brown.

I can deal with that.

M.I.A

My myspace - - http://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s

My Facebook - Zeit Geisty

hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file

The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality

Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.

What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women

How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?

Nerve Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!

The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file

'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file

The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file