The MM Interview is a feature where I talk to people I like about stuff they love. This week, I'm talking to Geoff Haggerty, a writer for the Onion News Network who, for a very long time, had a teeny tiny bed:
MM: Okay, let's kick this off... You didn't have a bed for a while? Or what's the deal?
GH: Oh, no, I had a bed. It was a tiny twin mattress with boxspring that came from somewhere within the Haggerty family's store of hand-me-down furniture. It was actually better than the bed I grew up in, which was just a wooden platform with an old beat up mattress on top. It wasn't until very recently that I realized you were allowed to be comfortable when you slept.
MM: So what spurred you on to purchase an actual, adult, real person bed?
GH: Well, I'm not great with money. Usually I spend it all on frivolities like clothes and video games and somewhat nicer lunches. But when I got a freelance writing job on top of another freelance writing job, for the first time in my life, I had too much cash. I tried to relieve my bank account by buying my first iPod and even nicer lunches. Still had too much cash. So I started thinking, 'What is something large that I need?' The answer, of course, was a bed. Mind you, I don't have health insurance. I think I'll sign up right now, actually. I AM AN ADULT.
MM: Okay, I get it! Jeez! So what drew you to this bed, in particular?
GH: Well I knew I wanted a big bed. So the queen sizedness was a layup. Then my father and I went to the Sleepy's showroom with some coupons in hand. The bed saleswoman knew just the bed for me and took me immediately to what I quickly realized were the most expensive beds. I realized this quickly because each time I laid in one, it felt like I was experiencing waking sleep, embraced by pillowtop angels. They were about four or five grand each. We moved on. I decided to check out the cheapest bed, a $100 job. It felt like nails and glass and gnarled iron twisting like shrapnel under my back. We pressed on. Then I came across what was called a "Plush Pillow Top" number and laid across it. It was heavenly. (Quick interlude: Let me just say that having your father and a stranger watch you lying down on a bed is weird as heck.) I determined, however, that the bed was too girly (whatever that means) and went down one level of plush and landed at 'Plush Firm'. And it has served me well. And that is how I became the male Goldilocks.
MM: Nice! Congrats on that. So, without necessarily getting too explicit, any interesting stories you can share about the bed?
GH: Oh, you mean besides all the incredible sex I've had in it? Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That's what it sounds like when I have sex. I'm sort of at a loss interesting story-wise. I mean, a bed's a bed, right? I will say that for the first month or so after I bought it, it completely felt like any extravagant purchase or gift. You know that feeling of, "I can't wait to play with my new video game or iPod or whatever?" Well I had that feeling, except with a bed. I got all happy and sleepy and tired at the same time and went to bed earlier than at any other time in my life. I love my bed.
MM: Okay, so looking forward to the day when you don't have your bed anymore, any thoughts on the next thing you want to get? Or is this bed for life?
GH: Well, it's got a ten-year warranty, so by the time I need a new bed I will be a rich 37-year old man. I'll just buy the most deluxe, amazing bed out there. Actually, that's probably not true. Those foam beds that contour to every part of your body weird me out. I don't want my bed to eat me. Or maybe in the future we won't need beds. Maybe in the future, we'll just take a pill for sleep. But not like a sleeping pill or anything. Like a pill that gives us sleep without us even NEEDING to sleep. Can you imagine that? A future without sleep? That's not the kind of future I want, Alex. Real answer: I'll probably get a king size. Mmmmmmmmmm.
The Simmons Beautyrest Birch Plush Firm Queen Mattress is available from Sleepy's, but they don't seem to sell online, and their customer service didn't answer my phone call or IM Chat, so you can get it from Sears instead. Suck it, Sleepy's. And be sure to check out the Onion News Network for more from Geoff!
[$770, Sears]
