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The Modern Materialist

Stop Telling Me I'm Fat

Posted by Steph Auteri

 

Five Reasons I Don't Need You To Remind Me That I Shouldn't Be Eating This Boston Kreme Donut:

  1. I went up multiple bra sizes in the space of a year.
  2. I had leftover pizza for breakfast, and ramen for lunch.
  3. When my buddy Kevin tells me I look thick, he doesn't mean it in a good way anymore.
  4. Muffin top central, people. Right here.
  5. I just heard the tracks on this CD and began sobbing. Or rather, I began sobbing while simultaneously laughing in a somewhat unhinged way:

[$8.99, Amazon] 

Five Reasons This CD Will Not Make Me Skinny:

  1. Country music does not pump me up.
  2. I can't pump iron when I'm laughing hysterically.
  3. There is a song called "SkinnyJeans."
  4. This CD is not made out of vegetables.
  5. I can't stop eating Nutella with a spoon, no matter what I'm listening to.
[Via Outblush]

+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted May 15 2008, 11:00 AM
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About Steph Auteri

Steph Auteri is a freelance just-about-everything, with a special fondness for home goods she can't afford. She has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press and Nerve. She runs the blog selfhelpme.net, and her work can be found at stephiswrite.com.

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    • about the blogger

    Wendy Atterberry is a recent transplant to New York City via Chicago. You can often find her at some karaoke dive bar singing her repertoire, which includes "Midnight Train to Georgia," "Daniel," and most recently, "Sweet Dreams." Don't expect her to always hit the right notes. She lives in Manhattan with her boyfriend and two cats, and has a blog like everyone else.

    Alex Zalben is a writer living in New York City. He's written for McSweeney's, Modern Humorist and PulpSecret.com. As one-fifth of the sketch comedy group Elephant Larry, he has been written up in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and pretty much every other major publication. Their blog was named one of PC Magazine's Top Blogs for 2007, and they recently won an ECNY Award for their viral short, "Minesweeper: The Movie." Alex did not know love until he bought his first Mac.

    Steph Auteri is a freelance just-about-everything, with a special fondness for home goods she can't afford. She has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press and Nerve. She runs the blog selfhelpme.net, and her work can be found at stephiswrite.com.

    Diana Vilibert is a freelance writer, among other things. Born in Lithuania, she now lives in New Jersey, where she doesn't have to walk to work ten miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways. Diana cannot afford most of the products she writes about because she buys too many pairs of heels to make up for her shoeless childhood. She's written for MarieClaire.com, Janemag.com, and CosmoGIRL!.

    Send tips to modernmaterialist@nerve.com