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The Modern Materialist

Train Your Offspring Well

Posted by Steph Auteri

 

I'm not sure any of our readers are with child yet (I'm sure as heck not; I can barely take care of myself!), but I thought I'd pull together this handy little list of Things To Buy Your Child So That They Turn Out Perfect:

  1. a medical kit (for those future doctors, surgeons, etc.)
  2. an obscene amount of books (it's helpful to be well-read)
  3. the CalcuBot™ (for those future financial analysts)
  4. the We Girls Can Do Anything Astronaut Barbie, from 1994 (apparently, since the '90s ended, girls can only be princesses and ballerinas)
  5. these high-fashion shoes for babies 0-6 months:

[$35, Heelarious] 

Perhaps if my mother had started me out in these, I never would have grown up to be the girl who wears flip-flops to the office.

While the website's FAQ touches upon such hard-hitting topics such as how to pronounce the word "heelarious," I couldn't find anything at all about the destruction of childhood, the possibility that babies who wear high heels will become tweens who wear ruffled miniskirts, or the death of all our souls.

 [Via Jezebel]


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Jun 09 2008, 09:30 AM
Filed under: , , ,

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About Steph Auteri

Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site -- stephiswrite.com -- and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom.com. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page, http://twitter.com/stephauteri.

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    • about the blogger

    Wendy Atterberry is a recent transplant to New York City via Chicago. You can often find her at some karaoke dive bar singing her repertoire, which includes "Midnight Train to Georgia," "Daniel," and most recently, "Sweet Dreams." Don't expect her to always hit the right notes. She lives in Manhattan with her boyfriend and two cats, and has a blog like everyone else.

    Alex Zalben is a writer living in New York City. He's written for McSweeney's, Modern Humorist and PulpSecret.com. As one-fifth of the sketch comedy group Elephant Larry, he has been written up in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and pretty much every other major publication. Their blog was named one of PC Magazine's Top Blogs for 2007, and they recently won an ECNY Award for their viral short, "Minesweeper: The Movie." Alex did not know love until he bought his first Mac.

    Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site http://www.stephiswrite.com, and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page.

    Diana Vilibert is a freelance writer, among other things. Born in Lithuania, she now lives in New Jersey, where she doesn't have to walk to work ten miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways. Diana cannot afford most of the products she writes about because she buys too many pairs of heels to make up for her shoeless childhood. She's written for MarieClaire.com, Janemag.com, and CosmoGIRL!.

    Send tips to modernmaterialist@nerve.com