Um, hey there. We really need to talk. I know you've been busy and all, but remember how last week we went to the beach and I ran through that pile of kelp? Then a few days later, how I rolled in cat poop? Yeah. So, you haven't exactly bathed me since then, and to be honest, I'm even starting to offend myself.

So I was thinking that maybe, for both our sakes, you should invest in some Sexy Beast eau de doggie cologne...

[$50, Sexy Beast]

Yes, there really is fancy cologne for dogs. In fact, Sexy Beast combines essential oils of bergamot, patchouli, mandarin, and nutmeg to create a unisex scent for your stinky pooch. And while I give the company props for its choice of product name, isn't putting perfume on a smelly dog sort of like wearing more deodorant instead of taking a shower?

Related: For Stinky Dog Smells, Pet Product: Breath with Bite