The Modern Materialist : Ridiculous

Here Comes the Bright

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 13 May 2009 15:20:00 GMT

You know how some women dream about their wedding day from the time that they're little girls? I'd be way more impressed if they dreamed about flashing like a disco ball on drugs at their wedding. Like, for example, this bride:

I'm pretty sure the only thing in poorer taste than this wedding dress is the fact that you can actually purchase your own version:

This dress has 300 LED lights embedded into its skirt, plus a battery-powered remote control sewn into a pocket. Though if you're going full speed ahead with the dress, why not invest in a tux too?

[Price upon request, Enlighted]

No custom pricing is listed on Enlighten's site, but in addition to the cost of the garment, lights go for forty bucks per strand.

Oh, also: Aerosmith as a first dance song? Are you really, really sure?

[via Trendhunter]

Tweet and Sticky

Laureen Mahler — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:01:00 GMT

The things people will do to get followers on Twitter. Take, for example, the above photo of Demi Moore's bikini-clad backside, posted by you know who. Aren't a million followers enough already? But if you can't take a picture of Demi's ass, investing in these might snag you a few random followers:

[$11 for 30 stickers, Sticky Twits]

These personalized "Follow me on Twitter" bumper stickers are technically for your car, but you could presumably stick them in all sorts of follower-friendly places. Like, for example, on bar stools, in gas station bathrooms, even on other people's cars. It's all about the numbers, right?

[via GeekSugar]

The World's Most Expensive Cupcake

Alex Zalben — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:34:00 GMT

How much would you pay for the above cupcake? $5? $100? $2000? How about:

$30,000. No, that's not a mistype. This cupcake... Wait, let me pause there, and emphasize that word: cupcake. This cupcake costs $30,000. Seriously.

Created by Mervis Diamond Importers, the cupcake is festooned with eight ideal cut round brilliant diamonds around its circumference, and a two carat Asscher cut diamond in the center.

It is said that whoever takes a bite of this cupcake, is a fucking moron. Hey, I didn't say it, it was some oracle or something.

[Via Born Rich]

Hula for the Untalented and/or Lazy

Laureen Mahler — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:04:00 GMT

When I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be a hula dancer. The grass skirts, the flowered necklaces, the hypnotically gyrating stomachs... what kid could resist? My mom even enrolled me in dance classes so that I could learn the moves. I soon discovered two main problems with my hula dreams: 1) I have a shocking and embarrassing lack of rhythm (think Elaine Benes dancing, then go lower), and 2) my frighteningly pale complexion makes a grass skirt and bikini top look a little morbid.

So hooray for the hula chair, which facilitates flawless hula-ing... and you don't even have to leave your seat:

[$250, SkyMall]

There is suprisingly little information about this product, other than its name and that it's marketed as an exercise machine. Speak to me, hula chair! Wherefore lie your magical hula secrets?

Buy Dehydrated Water

Alex Zalben — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:02:00 GMT

Hey, can you guess how these dehydrated water capsules work?

You just add water, of course. Sigh.

[$30, Buy Dehydrated Water]

[Via CribCandy]

Most Intense Belt Buckle Ever

Alex Zalben — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:27:00 GMT

I've posted about the worst belt buckle ever before, and though this one comes close to being a terrible belt buckle, it's so far over the top as to be hilarious. Yes, it's a skull. Yes, it has flashing LED lights. But also, it's...

An Mp3 player and FM radio. Seriously. Attach one of those iPod speakers to this dealie, and you have the ability to play your own entrance music. Don't believe me that this is hilarious on purpose? Then check out this picture of some dude wearing one:

Wow.

[$45, Chinavision]

[Via GeekAlerts]

Japan is Ridiculous, Part 4: Finger That Box

Alex Zalben — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Once again, I want to state for the record that we have plenty of stupid stuff here in America. However, in terms of sheer wackiness, Japan takes the cake, then adds a puppy made out of rainbows who battles other puppies to that cake.

So anyway, you stick your finger in this box, and then your digital finger can interact with this guy. But that's not all:

As you can see, there is also Panda Mode, Face Mode, and Ameba [sic] Mode. Oh, and here's a video of the whole thing in action:

You can pick one up at my new favorite website (check out the super-spooky "Happy Birthday").

[$37, Rakuten]

[Via TechnaBob]

Have a Ball This Summer

Alex Zalben — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Want to have a ball this summer? Then here's a fool-proof solution to your non-rolly blues:

No price info yet, but what object is money when you'll be dead soon after using this? Here's a video to check out, in the meantime:

Buzzball from Evento on Vimeo.

[Buzzball]

[Via Born Rich]

Related: I Was a Human Hamster

Rocking Bear

Alex Zalben — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Swedish design firm Com-pa-ny has a number of delightful and weird products on their extremely difficult to navigate website, including the above wearable beards [ Approx. $61], but for my money, the best one is this Rocking Bear:

As for the price below, I don’t know if there’s supposed to be a comma or period in there somewhere, cause if not, man… That’s one expensive rocking bear. Link below is to the website, but to order the chair (or the beard), e-mail ‘em at info@com-pa-ny.com.

[1575 EUR, Com-pa-ny]

How To Have Sex In The Woods

Alex Zalben — Wed, 21 May 2008 21:30:00 GMT

This is, I swear to god, a one hundred percent completely real book. That is almost two hundred pages long. Seriously. No, I’m not joking. Really.

I think there’s a certain amount of skill that has to be involved in writing a one hundred ninety two page book all about how to have sex in the woods, which is, you know, one of the first things mankind figured out how to do after crawling out of the Primordial Muck. Since it is such a simple activity, you have to think a LOT about how to stretch this instruction manual into a book length form. Heck, I’d be hard pressed to write “How To Have Sex In The Woods” as a half-page pamphlet:

- Go To The Woods.

- Have Sex.

There, see? I couldn’t even write two complete sentences. So congrats to Luann Colombo for doing the unthinkable. It should also be noted that the Amazon page has twelve customer reviews from people who have actually read the book, with an average review of four stars. Though, that being said, most of the reviews are like A. Schwab’s four-star review:

“No real information here. I guess that says a lot about my lifestyle and love for nature. A good read to just give opportunity for reflection upon current practices and maybe even some ideas.”

Really? Four stars, A. Schwab? That was a four star review? I wonder what would get five stars from you.

Anyway.

[$9, Amazon]

[Via Listanity]

Koreannovation 2008: Blooming Bidet

Alex Zalben — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:30:00 GMT

One of the more unappetising items at the show was the Blooming, a high-speed bidet, which has three settings for shooting water up your chooch.

Though you can’t really see it here, as there’s a splash guard, upon pressing a button, a metallic arm whirs out from the back of the bidet, and starts spraying water as intensely as possible. It also has a heated seat, a self-closing seat cover, and a remote control. You know, so you can use the bidet when you’re not sitting on it or something?

While not all of the products at the fair were available for public sale, the Blooming is. Bully! Check back for plenty more from Koreannovation throughout the rest of the day, and tomorrow.

[$600, Magic John]

The $46,000 Dress Shirt

Alex Zalben — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:00:00 GMT

What you see above, my friends, is the world’s most expensive shirt. Made by Eton Shirts Limited to celebrate their 80th Anniversary, the shirt has been created from the finest Egyptian cotton yarn, with buttons and studs encrusted with diamonds.

The shirt is currently on tour, but will be available for charity auction sometime next year… If I, the world’s greatest cat burglar, don’t steal it first! Haha!

What? Announcing you’re going to steal something on a blog makes you the world’s worst cat burglar? Really? All right, then: I’m not going to steal the shirt, because I’m not a cat burglar. There, dodged a bullet on that one. Now to go claim my prize, hehehe…

[Eton Shirts Limited]

[Via Brandish]

Vans Sk8-HI Sneaker Chair

Alex Zalben — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:00:00 GMT

The beanbag is tired. The giant hand chair has been played out since Arrested Development left the air. So what is a giant novelty chair fiend to do?

Why, buy a giant sneaker and sit on it, of course. Previously only used at Vans shows and events, you can now buy ‘em from Japan. Here’s the deal, though… The site is all in Japanese. So I don’t know how big they are, or if there are different sizes, or how much it is. I’m going to guess about 50,000 Yen, but I don’t know if that’s true.

Anyway, best way of finding out is to just order ‘em, and see how much you got charged. Right?

[50,000 Yen?, Rakuten]

[Via High Snobiety]

Toast Wallet Keeps Your Bills Crispy

Alex Zalben — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Two things occur to me with this particular item:

1) We really like toast here at MM.
2) I’m totally into novelty products today.

Anyway, I’m in the market for a new wallet, and though this hilarious toast wallet may not be the thing the doctor ordered, it will go very well with my toaster pants. I’m kidding, I don’t own toaster pants.

Hey, isn’t it funny how you have to buy a wallet? I mean, what did you put money in before you had the wallet? It’s like the chicken and the egg, you know what I’m talking about?

I’ve got like twenty minutes of material all about wallets, so we could keep going like this all day*.

[$10, Archie McPhee]

*I didn’t say it was GOOD material.

The $60,000 Ice Cream Sundae

Alex Zalben — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:00:00 GMT

See, the thing is, it comes with TWO cherries. Hence the extra $59,995.

Totally JK, dudes. The $60,000 sundae is the creation of Three Twins Organic Ice Cream, from Napa California, and consists of a hand-churned batch of ice cream from the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro. Basically, the founder of the company will fly with you to Africa, make as much ice cream as you like out of pure glacial ice, and then donate the rest of the money to help save the glaciers. Not SO ridiculous when you realize it’s for a good cause.

Also, you get a T-Shirt.

What is slightly less ridiculous is the $3,333 sundae also offered by Three Twins. The World’s Most Expensive Ice Cream Sundae is a banana split made with syrups from three rare desert wines, served with an ice cream spoon from the 1850s. If you order a day ahead, they’ll have a cellist perform for you.

So far, no-one has ordered either package, but it’s only a matter of time, right?

[$60000, Three Twins]

[Via YumSugar]

I Was A Human Hamster

Alex Zalben — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

There are certain things I’m completely freaked out about. One of them is heights. The other is bugs. The third one is probably being strapped in a giant inflatable ball and rolled down a hill.

Granted, the last one is a lesser fear, but that fear could soon become a reality with the Rolerball, which has already been described above. Basically, after inflating the ball, up to two people can be strapped inside, and then a third person just rolls you down a hill. That’s it. The kit comes with everything you need, including a puncture repair kit, and a list of near-by hospitals. Kidding about the last thing, but you might want to have it handy, anyway.

Oh, and yes, you can roll in it like a human hamster ball. Here's the video proof:

[£999, iWantOneofThose.com]

[Via Toyology]

Neti Pot Cleanses Your Nostrils

Alex Zalben — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 20:30:00 GMT

According to their website, the Neti Pot, “naturally cleanses, refreshes, and protects the nasal passages, one of our body's first lines of defense against illness.” But I’m really only posting this so you can check out the demonstration video below:

Anybody ever used this? Is it actually as horrifying as it looks? Oh, and “thanks” to Geoff for the suggestion.

[$36, Himalayan Institute]

Can I Get That In a Doggie Bag?

Alex Zalben — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:30:00 GMT

After posting about underwear, and then stuff you put in your underwear, I thought I’d give you guys something a little cute and normal to chase away the possible weird taste in our mouths.

Instead, I’m giving you a bag shaped like a sad, sleeping dog. Sorry!

Created by artist Meryl Smith for the Honey Space Gallery here in NYC, she combined leather, papier-mache, gold paint, and a Louis Vuitton zipper to create this one of a kind bag that sells for a mere $3000.

The bag is, sadly, no longer on display, with no real info on how to track it down, though you can check out the Honey Space gallery in person, or online, for more info.

[Via Neatorama]

Tie One On With The Naughty Knot

Alex Zalben — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Like some sort of reject from the Unfinished Halloween Costumes Hall of Fame comes the Naughty Knot.

Honestly, I do know if I need to describe what this is for, or how to use it, so I’ll leave it at one pressing question, and then give you some kinda not safe for work pictures: Why are there no bottoms? I mean, why isn’t there a matching pair of Naughty Knot Panties? Do they think you’re going to leave the bow on while you, uh… Put your present in the box, let’s say?

...You guys already skipped ahead to the other pictures, didn’t you? I’ll stop talking.

[£13.99, Drink Stuff]

PS: I'd like to point out that I'm aware "tie one on" relates to drinking, not sex, but really, I couldn't come up with a better pun. If you can come up with a better pun title to this post, I'll come to you place of work, only dressed in the Naughty Knot! Just kidding. Or am I?

DIY Circumcision Kit

Alex Zalben — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:00:00 GMT

If there are ever two words that shouldn’t be in the same place, it’s “DIY” and “Kit.” Ha! Kidding. It’s the middle word that sends shivers of horror up my spine, and down somewhere else. Here’s another thing that nearly makes me retch, the official description of the AccuCirc circumcision kit:

“A disposable, single action crush-and-cut circumcision device.”

“Crush” and “Cut” are two words I never want associated with my dangly bits. Ever. Also, “disposable,” and “single-action,” though I think I may be reading those words out of context.

You want to see something even more horrifying? Click on over to their website, and check out an animation of the AccuCirc in action. I don’t think I’ve screamed as much at something on the internet since I watched Two Girls, One Cup.

The AccuCirc is available upon request, so no pricing info yet, but I’m sure you’re all clamoring to get one.

[Via Craziest Gadgets]

The Long, Dark Tissues of the Soul

Alex Zalben — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Things these tissues will be good for:

- Not getting little white flecks all over your little black dress.
- Goth kids with a stuffy nose.
- The Devil.

Anyway, apparently they’re highly popular in Japan, so you should probably get them.

[$149, Japan Trend Shop]

Get Slimed With Gelli Baff

Alex Zalben — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Just to get this out of the way… The girl in this picture is fine. I explain why it looks like she's exploding blood in a second.

That done with, Gelli Baff is a UK product that turns your entire bath-tub into brightly colored slime-goo, and then back again. It comes in: red lava blast; orange; magic green jungle swamp; and gooiest blue lagoon sea.

The greatest thing about this is that it teaches your kids important lessons, like that they ain’t afraid of no ghosts, and that it’s slime time. You know, things like that.

[$20, Gelli Baff]

Dress Up Your Fake Cat For The Holidays

Alex Zalben — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:00:00 GMT

There is a certain type of person who own cats.

A subsection of that is people who like to dress up their cats.

There is a subsection of THOSE people who also like to own a lot of cat stuff, like figurines, paintings, books, etc.

This is for an even smaller subsection of those people: Cat owners who like to dress up their cat figurines in holiday costumes.

Pricing, and then more pictures of the seasonally “appropriate” costumes.

[$25, The Lighter Side Co.]

Extra Large Gameboy Color Compatible Dog Panties

Alex Zalben — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Ummm…

Uh….

So these are for…

Well, pet owners, these dog panties are hygenic, so…

Looking for accesories that are “atible with ameboy Color?” Look no further…

Uh.

...

[$5.12, DealExtreme]

[Via Kotaku]

Do Ewe Want This Chair?

Alex Zalben — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:30:00 GMT

I have zero info on how to purchase this chair, and let's be honest: you don't want any. Absolutely horrifying.

That being said, if anyone finds any info on where to pick this, up, let me know.

[Via Freshome]

This Product is Called "Male Door Knocker" [NSFW?]

Alex Zalben — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 19:30:00 GMT

A short play:

Husband: Honey, you know how we needed a knocker for the front door?

Wife: Yes, I do know that.

Husband: Well, I got us one.

Wife: Oh, may I see it?

Husband: Why yes!

[Man has purchased and installed front door knocker pictured above. They get divorced. The end.]

Also, I just kind of have to post the product description:

This wonderfully unique male torso with hanging balls as the door knocker is perfect to add to any home, office or restaurant. This mans torso has a bronze finish.

I just like reading it like, "Oh my god! This man's torso has a bronze finish! Get him to a doctor!" Anyway. Also, perfect? For the office? What office? Okay, really, I'm done now.

[$25, ZGameRoom]