The Modern Materialist : condoms

Light Bulb Condom

Laureen Mahler — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:33:00 GMT

I'm always telling my light bulbs that they need to practice safe illumination. It seems like they're almost always turned on, and you can never be too careful. Thank goodness for the light bulb condom, which is the perfect solution to...

[Ingo Maurer]

... a new EU law banning frosted light bulbs. Effective as of September '09, the law claims that frosted bulbs give off less light and are therefore not energy-efficient. In response, renowned lighting designer Ingo Maurer created the "Euro Condom" -- a heat-resistant silicone cover that will transform a clear bulb into a frosted one.

The Euro Condom was introduced at Milan Design Week, and apparently it's a big hit. I almost wish frosted bulbs were illegal here, just so I could have a reason to buy imported light bulb condoms.

[via Design Boom]

Roundup: Designer Condoms

Laureen Mahler — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:07:00 GMT

We all know that condoms are a crucial part of safe sex, but let's face it: most condoms are the bedroom equivalent of orthopedic shoes for old ladies. They serve an important purpose, but their aesthetics are, well, less than a turn-on. And when Marc Jacobs steps in to offer his designer take on condoms, you know it's time for a stylish rubber roundup:

The Marc Jacobs Condom

[$13 for 2, eBay]

First and foremost, the Marc Jacobs condom. It comes in matchbook-style packaging with a personal message from Marc: "Remember safety first! xxoo." Oh Marc, you've totally got our backs. And while the condom itself may not be all that stylish, you've got to give it to Jacobs and company for putting it out there in the first place. The only problem? These condoms sold out pretty much instantly online and are now available only via eBay.

The Pasante Halo Condom

[$10.50 for 12, LoveHoney]

UK company Pasante has already made a name for itself by offering a vast range of sleek and sexy condom styles; now, their famous Halo style has an added splash of color and design. With motifs that range from speedometers to soccer balls, condoms have never made the before-sex part so much fun.

The One Condom

[$14 for 12, One Condoms]

One Condoms have a simple but effective marketing strategy: think of a sexy phrase that uses the word "one," put a scintillating image behind it, and presto! you've got stylish condoms. Designs include Cheeky One, One Nibble, One Desire, and One Satisfied Customer, among many, many others.

The Dolphin Condom

[$9 for 12, RipnRoll]

The Dolphin Condom gets big points for conceptual design. While the packaging may leave something to be desired, you can bet that the patented dolphin-shaped tip will do its job. The best part? For every trick you perform, you're sure to get a reward.

The Proper Attire Condom

[$6 for 3, Proper Attire]

Proper Attire is the brainchild of Planned Parenthood, and it recruits designers to create stylish condom packaging that inspires safe sex. These bright, abstract designs from Yigel Azouël are gorgeous, and there are lots more to choose from on Proper Attire's site. (Added bonus: designer Alexander Wang also created condoms for Proper Attire, which is just hilarious.)

Are you inspired yet? Good. Go forth and ensheath in style.

Eternal Condom-nation

Laureen Mahler — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

[Photo via]

I was born and raised Catholic, as in my Italian mom insisted on having a picture of the current pope up in our house at all times. And while I'm not Catholic anymore, I do have a certain nostalgia about the pope. That is, until the pope goes and does something really (I think we can all agree) dumb, like condemning the use of condoms to prevent AIDS.

Vindication arrives in the form of clever products, and not only am I pretty sure the pope would never use a condom machine, I'm also fairly positive he didn't endorse these pope condoms:

These have been spotted in Paris, though they don't appear to be for sale anywhere online.

Hey, I've always said that being an ex-Catholic is sexy.

[via I Love Bad Things]

Condoms Are For The Birds

Alex Zalben — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:02:00 GMT

...And I think we have the prize for the most ridiculous condom dispenser ever. In case you're not convinced:

The design is by Susanne Hanggaard, and the idea is to poke fun at the awkward grab for a condom right before sex. Yes, please, let's insert more awkwardness and fumbling into that, shall we?

[Susanne Hanggaard]

[Via Condomunity]

Condoms for Douchebags

Diana Vilibert — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:14:00 GMT

This is the New Jersey species of the Douchebaggery kingdom (thanks, Ebaum's!) They're not a rare species and the're hard to miss, but if you need help spotting one, these are the traits to look for:

a faux orange glow, usually from hours spent in a tanning booth every week, sometimes followed by fake tan lotion
muscle distribution and overall body shape that indicates 10+ weekly gym hours spent working biceps and biceps only
backwards, upside-down visor (I hope, for everyone's sake, that this trend was localized to NJ. Was it?)
pants that are either much too tight or dangerously loose
consumption of energy drinks with douchebagalicious names that often include words such as "crunk" and "pimp"

That last one is pretty much a requirement. I've managed to avoid sleeping with this particular species of Douchebag, but if I were to, I would probably be eager to put some kind of latex barrier between the two of us. Thank goodness for energy drinks that come with condoms:

In case you can't read it, the type below the cartoon penis juggling says "refreshingly fruity." I don't even have to make this joke, do I?

[Billy Boy]

Related: Kama Sutra Condoms

How Do You Measure Up?

Diana Vilibert — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 20:40:00 GMT

Does size matter? It does to the guy or girl that has you wear one of these when you get busy:

It's still in production mode, but it'll be available soon enough, pretty much guaranteeing you'll never here the phrase "it's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean" ever again.

[Curiosite]

Blowjobs and Whisky

Diana Vilibert — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:33:00 GMT

You might not think that the two go hand in hand very often--or, depending, perhaps blowjobs and whisky are the most natural combination in the world. They definitely are when it comes to these:

[£ 2.44, Scotland Shop] [via arbroath]

Apple Introduces The iCondom

Alex Zalben — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:25:00 GMT

OMG you guys... Steve Jobs totally went on stage at the new Mac event, whipped out his wang, and demoed the new iCondom!!! Check it out:

I think this should be the last "iProduct" joke anyone ever makes, don't you?

[Via Gizmodo]

Kama Sutra Condoms

Diana Vilibert — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Stopping the action mid-hookup to raid all your drawers and pockets looking for a condom can kill the mood--so get back in the mood by making sure you have some of these Kama Sutra condoms on hand. The best part--there are 64 positions, so collect them all and never go back to missionary again!

[$25, Charles and Marie]

On The Case [NSFWish]

Alex Zalben — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:27:00 GMT

Can you guess what this is for? It's a...

...condom case. For only $50, you too can hold one condom in your pocket. Awesome.

[$50, Alessi]

[Via TrendHunter]

Love It or Leave It: Personalized Condoms

Diana Vilibert — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:29:00 GMT

Hm, well I suppose these could be a great way to be remembered at a networking event, in lieu of business cards. I'm voting "leave it"--how about you?

[$31.25, RipNRoll]

The Ring Every Girl Wants [NSFW]

Alex Zalben — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:02:00 GMT

You've been waiting forever to get that ring from your man. You can't stand it any longer, and when he finally opens that box and puts it on, you feel an incredible explosion of... Wait, what ring did he just pull out of a box? Oh, this ring:

The Mates Intensify Vibrating Condom Ring comes with a super thin condom, and one ring that vibrates for twenty-five minutes straight. Now, I don't pretend to know what it feels like to have a vagina, but I have to imagine this would feel like a horrible knobby tumor? Am I wrong? Too early in the afternoon for this sort of talk?

Anyway, here's a totally NSFW ad:

[£4, Life Pharmacy Online]

Say Goodbye to The Condom Drawer

Alex Zalben — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 15:24:00 GMT

Tired of fishing through drawers for a rubber johnnies? Want to be a little more obvious about how much sex you're having, and how often? Always hoped that you could take the style and sophistifaction of a gas station bathroom home? Then why not grab one of these:

As you use more and more willie warmers, the black bar around the mid-section slowly falls, letting you know when it's time to grab more gentleman's jerkins.

[$28, Uncommon Goods]

Conjoined Twins Have Sex, a.k.a. Photoshop Gone Wrong

Alex Zalben — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:02:00 GMT

Is that what sex is like? Ohmigod, I think I've been doing it horribly, terribly wrong. Or, alternately, this is example of an ad agency making an absolutely horrific looking photoshop mistake. Here's another pic, so you can judge for youself:

And, in case you want to try out these flesh-joining condoms for yourself, pricing below.

[Pack of 150: £42, Eros Shop]

[Via Copyranter]