
This is after she puked, but before they sucked face. Well, he did it. Last night on the Rock of Love 2 season finale, Bret Michaels did what no reasonable
reality television-viewer expected: he chose brains over boobs. Age over youth.
A TV host over a tattooed stripper. In other words: Bret chose Ambre as his
“Rock of Love,” leaving Daisy disheveled, sniffling, and crying for ice cream.
Homegirl can go from hot-slutty to a hot mess in five edited seconds, flat.
In case you
missed it…well…you didn’t miss much. And you know Vh1 will have the show on
heavy rotation for the next week or so. But if you don’t want to waste an hour
and a half of your life, waste five minutes and check out the highlights here!
If you
haven’t been watching the show, Bret has narrowed his field of ho’s to two
remarkably dissimilar ladies: Ambre (who chooses to spell her name in a unique
way), a 37-year-old “TV host” who seems remarkably classy except for her bad dye
job. And Daisy (who probably can’t spell Ambre’s name, much less her own), a
stripper who has dated one of Bret’s band members in the past, and still lives
with her “ex”-boyfriend in a one-room apartment. Why would Bret keep such a
woman around, as she has a tendency to lie about her past constantly? Two big reasons,
and you can guess what they are.
Bret did as
he/the Vh1 producers always do: took his ladies to an “exotic” getaway in Cancun, Mexico. The format that followed will be
familiar to any Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, or I Love New York fans: Bret and the ladies are greeted outside the
hotel, where they are forced to admire some traditional Mayan dancers before
the producers (wisely) being plying them with alcohol. Then the “final two” are
taken to a room they’re forced to share, exclaim over tacky free schwag, then
go have dinner with Bret.
At dinner,
as always, dirty laundry is aired in a familiar, scripted format. Last night,
Bret once again told Daisy that they have an “incredible physical connection”
but that he was still a little wary of the “mystery” surrounding her past.
Daisy questioned whether Bret and Ambre have any sort of “physical connection.”
Bret surprised us all with a new, scripted question: maybe Ambre was such a
driven career-woman that she just wanted to win the contest…and not so much
Bret’s heart?!
Ambre put
an end to this by sucking face with Bret at the table, while Daisy watched
petulantly. I can’t really remember the rest of the conversation because I was
so distracted by the glistening post-kiss spittle on Ambre’s upper lip. Baby,
you had a napkin on your lap; you should have used it.

The one surprise: Daisy whipped out a pen and paper…with a list of questions
for Bret! Why oh why did the editors cut out her list of questions? I would
have actually paid money (um, four quarters) to hear the all-important list of
life issues Daisy had prepared. Vh1 producers, if you’re listening: give us an
“extras” video, stat!

The next
day Bret and Ambre went on their solo date, which was too boring to describe
except that, during their secluded couples massage, Amber realized she’d better
work on yee ol’ physical connection with Bret. Thusly, we were forced to watch
her straddle the man while massaging him. Oh yes.
And then.
At dinner.
She told
him she wasn’t wearing any panties. And he asked to see. And she did a nice
little Sharon Stone ala Basic Instinct
move. Twice.
It was at this point that I puked a little in my
mouth. I was actually on Ambre’s side this whole time (who wouldn’t be?). But
this was a tad too much. While I respect the fabulous, strong, older woman that
she is... I don't want to imagine what her twat looks like. Even if today is cunnilingus
and cake day.
But I
digress: Ambre spent the night with Bret. Then she and Daisy squabbled. Ambre’s
point was that Daisy was a crazy bitch, but honestly, the editing made Ambre
look much more bitchy than Daisy. Maybe it also made Ambre look so much more smart
and coherent than Daisy, and I simply started pitying Daisy and her inability to
complete a sentence.
But enough
with feelings. Let’s get on to the boobs. For Daisy’s date the next day, Bret
took her deep-sea fishing, which promptly resulted in Daisy projectile vomiting
over the railing. Though Bret was psyched for this (chum brings the fishies!)
he eventually turned the boat around, and made sure to still make out with the
girl, after patting her puking back.

And then
came the ridiculous final ceremony, with Bret’s ridiculously shiny metallic suit.
It was all a bit of a letdown: Bret told Daisy she’s beautiful but there was
just too much “mystery” etc. etc. Daisy gazed up at him, wordless, her sad
stupid puppy-dog eyes conveying all the heartbreak a shallow puddle-person can hold.
Ambre looked like hell warmed over as she trembled and cried, first thinking
she was going home, then realizing, “Holy hell, I’m stuck with this dude now,
at least until the reunion show.”


As Bret
said, “I was not looking for Rock of Like. I was not looking for Rock of Lust.
I really was actually attempting to find Rock of Love.” Did we learn any lessons here (besides the fact that Bret knows puke can work as deep-sea fishing bait)? Did he really find love? Is it true that sometimes, even in Hollywood, the nice girl finishes first? Is there hope that our society is somehow less youth-obsessed and large breast-obsessed than previously thought? Or, is it all just a ploy to lure us in for Rock of Love 3? Only time, or Vh1's producers, will tell.

Ambre’s website, www.ambrelake.com, appears
to have crashed some time today. But I did manage to grab her portfolio of
poses. I was and am an Ambre fan: work your thirties, girl. You look fabulous.
But…if you saw one of these pictures on a dating site, and then the lady pictured above showed up for dinner...would you tell her it's time to update her pics?









-- Nicole Ankowski