Oh
the slutty joy, the hair-ripping pain, the French strippers and the tears! Yes,
last night Vh1 aired their Rock of Love 2
reunion show. It’s hard to beat the Rock
of Love 2 finale, but they
tried. It’s also hard to pick just one, perfect, herpes-flavored best-of
moment. Was it when Heather tried to rip Daisy’s extensions out of her hair? Or
right before that, when Daisy called Heather “Steve Nicks”? Or when Peyton sang
onstage?
Okay, it definitely wasn’t
when Peyton sang.
It might have been
when Angelique forced herself on Bret’s lap. The now-retired stripper (and her
self-proclaimed “Barbie ass”) was the first lady invited onstage with Bret and host
Ricky Rachman. She told the sad tale of why she had to stop stripping after the
show:
“It’z kind a zad I stopped
dancing kauz I love to be a streeper and I really like — I like to be naked and
everyzing. I had to retire bekauz everybody vant to just hang out wit me kauz
zay saw me on tv, and it dozn’t work zis way vhen you are a danca. But I wood
like tu do my lass danz fer you Brut.”
Then she crossed the stage,
presumably flashing some sort of labial lusciousness, which resulted in Destiney
making this face:
…and then Angelique gave Bret a lap dance,
while he screamed for someone to please God put on some music.
Rock and roll! See
Angelique’s lap dance right here, baby.
Next up was Destiney, who
looked good. I mean, well-rested and glowing. Despite the sad fact that her
father had just passed away, Ricky and Bret tried to get Destiney to admit that
she is a psycho-groupie who wants to sleep with Bret because he’s the lead
singer of Poison, and not just a psycho-girl who wants to sleep with Bret
because he’s on TV.
Harsh. However, it was the
beginning of Ricky being both the hard-ass voice of reason, making air
quotes with his hands…and the genesis of me thinking he should host every reunion show.
Ever. On Vh1. And across the galaxy.
Because then came Kristy Joe,
the woman who went on Rock of Love 2
while still married. (I’m choosing to
ignore the ridiculous Kristy Joe-Aubrey montage which implied that the two were
lovers, followed by Bret’s ridiculous attempts to pretend he thinks it’s hot.) And Ricky totally called
out Kristy Jo…and Bret!...and their
gloriously effed-up “relationship”:
“I’m going to get everybody
to hate me now, but it looked like the typical rock star girlfriend, that here
you are – going after a girl that isn’t one hundred percent available – and
there’s a lot of drama there, and maybe a little bit of psycho – and you want
that because she doesn’t want you one hundred percent, and it’s going back and
forth, and then there’s just so many issues…that you say, ‘You know what? I’m
gonna cancel the subscription, I don’t want any more issues!’”
Which resulted in Kristy Jo
rolling her eyes and trying to make her bullshit smell like Issey Miyake. Didn't work:
And then they brought the
whirlwind force that is Heather onstage. The producers oh-so-shrewdly sat
Heather right next to Daisy, her arch-enemy in blonde diva stripperness. Daisy
revealed that she and Bret slept together the night before he eliminated her
ass from the show:
“This is really frickin’
important to me. As a girl, being vulnerable, at the end of the night, that
last night, you could have just said to me, ‘Hey, let’s cuddle, and just spend
the rest of the time together.’ [audience laughter] But Instead, I felt like
you were taking advantage of me and taking advantage of my vulnerability and my
feelings. And you ultimately sealed the deal.”
Bret proclaimed: “I’m just a
man, dammit!”
Daisy countered with: “I’m
not just some chick that he can just sleep with."
Which resulted in Heather
snapping: “Well you shouldn’t act like that!”
When ended in: hot, enlightened, chick
fight! See
it all here.
I was most impressed with
Heather’s fighting technique. After pulling the hair, firmly grip the
extensions/weave in Fist A. Then beat Fist B on the outstretched hair, trying to rip
it from its roots. There’s nothing that makes me prouder to be a woman than
watching one woman follicularly assault her sister. Gloria Steinham would be so
frickin’ happy.
And then came the lucky winner of Bret's heart (and any vestigial VDs): Ambre. Oh,
Ambre – what have you done to me? What will my life be like, now that Bret has
found his Rock of Love (and Lust, and Like)? You’re too good, too normal…I can
only pray it won’t last, and that not only will next year bring Rock of Love 3, but also your own
looking-for-love spin-off. I’m going to go out on a limb and call it Ambre Alert! We’ll see what happens.
But in the meantime, at
least the girl got rid of the black undergrowth in her hair. She looks
light-years better with the all-blond glow. And Bret appears…smitten! Truly smitten
(never mind that in an outtake he bemoaned the fact that Heather had so pissed
off Daisy, that Daisy wouldn’t f*ck him).
I mean, the dude was lovingly stroking Ambre’s shoulder while she talked about
fate and kismet and their special journey.
Stroking. Her. Shoulder.
Like newlyweds. Really old, annoying newlyweds.
Turns out that, although the
couple weren’t technically supposed to see each other post-filming, Bret snuck
Ambre on his tour bus (for “a little boom boom”) when he visited her in Chicago.
Why might it all work out? Ambre
says seeing all his lady fans hit on Bret “kinda turned” her on.
Maybe she and Bret are meant
to be.
We’ll see which way the wind
blows. But seriously: Ambre Alert.
Can’t you just see it now?
