Nerve Insider

New on Nerve, 5.9.08: Back and Forth, Photography by Marlene Marino

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:23:00 GMT

The first few photos in this set by Marlene Marino are just as cluttered with minutiae as her subjects are stripped down — the mattress is bare, every available surface is covered in knickknacks and empty bottles, the floor is piled high. It's an intimacy casual enough to make you forget the lovely naked girls as they meander through the space. It's the set's later shots that feel like a revelation: out of the bedroom, examined up close, these bodies become expressive and expansive in their own right. — Caitlin MacRae

We’re Listening To…Dolly Parton

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 22:18:00 GMT

We saw the divine Miss Dolly recently at Radio City Music Hall, and happen to agree with everything this dude says here. A lot of her stage banter from back-then is the same as now…though maybe a lil’ bit more polished. And she certainly didn’t tell this story about beating the tar out of anyone.

Though she looks more like this now…

As the Voice says, “No plastic surgery in at least five months.”
May we all be as feisty, beautiful, brilliant and bad-ass as Dolly!

[Photo via David Atlas via The Village Voice]

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.8.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:39:00 GMT

We’re having a debate here in the Nerve offices: do the people (i.e. you) want to see (tastefully, artistic) sexxxy nude pics of UPS delivery workers? Does a man (or women) in uniform turn you on? Looks like we’ve got one yes vote. Seriously: does a uniform up the snoggability factor? Why did I just use the word “snog”? Check out this, and so many other, more interesting questions, at the Nerve Dating Confessions.

The Modern Materialist Interview: Geoff Haggerty and the Comfy Bed

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:30:00 GMT

What do you think makes J.Lo go "woooo"?

This week, The Modern Materialist talks to Geoff Haggerty, a writer for the Onion News Network, who, for a very long time, had a teeny tiny bed. And then he went shopping…

MM: So, without necessarily getting too explicit, any interesting stories you can share about the bed?
GH: Oh, you mean besides all the incredible sex I've had in it? Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That's what it sounds like when I have sex. I'm sort of at a loss interesting story-wise. I will say that for the first month or so after I bought it, it completely felt like any extravagant purchase or gift. You know that feeling of, "I can't wait to play with my new video game or iPod or whatever?" Well I had that feeling, except with a bed. I got all happy and sleepy and tired at the same time and went to bed earlier than at any other time in my life.

Want a bed that makes you go “Wooooo”? Find it right here, on the TMM.

New on Nerve, 5.8.08: Dating Advice From…Foreign-Exchange Students

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:45:00 GMT

Today’s Dating Advice From… offers some seriously good tips. With helpful hints on the transitory nature of love, seduction, and smoking up…you know you want to read it:

I met a guy who hardly speaks any English, and I don't speak his language at all. We've gone on a few dates together and had a great time anyway. Can this possibly last?
It won't last. But continue dating him and take advantage of the positives — enjoy your time with him, get into his native culture and pick up some of his language. All the English I know, I learned from the hot girls.

Lo amate? Check out the bello advice, right here.

In Other Blogs, 5.7.08: Scanner Helps You Over Hump Day

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Wow, the Scanner crew knows how to pick ‘em. Today they ask Who Would You Rather: R. Kelly or the Maytag Repairman? I bet you can guess who’s winning…Also helping you get over the Hump Day:

Penis Camouflage: Fun for the Whole Family.
The Spears Family: not so fun.
The Weather Channel wants to lick your swizzle stick, fire your ass if you say “no.”
Wardrobe Malfunction: Did totally classy actress Natasha Richardson really forget to wear panties?
Time Out New York shows real New Yorkers, really naked. For once, we’d rather have seen Julia Allison.
This carrot needs pants! (Thanks commentator “HOLY MACKEREL!”)
Video of Arizona State University’s drunken “Undie Run”: we can smell the Axe Body Spray from here.
“An Australian man was acquitted of forcing vampire sex on a 16-year-old girl who claims he stalked her for years”…I’m sorry. Wait. Vampire sex?

All this and so much more…over at your daily Scanner.

Would You Take Dating Advice From Spencer Pratt?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 16:02:00 GMT

Oh, it’s about “butt sex”? Why didn’t you say so…

Radar has tapped the Zeitgeist by inviting “reality-show Machiavelli” Spencer Pratt to dole out sex and dating advice. This week, Pratt advises on how to tap that ass:

YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it's appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?
If you're dating a guy, right away. If you're dating girl, I think you'll know pretty quick if she's into that. If they're not bringing it up, it's not something on their agenda. That's just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, "If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool."

I’m so glad Spencer has a boxing coach who can teach him about the finer things in life. If you want more, check out Spencer’s advice here.

New on Nerve, 5.7.08 - Sex and Dating Advice from Miss Information

Peter Smith — Wed, 07 May 2008 15:51:00 GMT

This week, Miss Info counsels Interior Fornicator, a guy who wants to make his apartment into, and we quote, "a fuck-temple." What should he make sure to get?

A place to stash condoms. A candle with a light, mellow scent. A small, easy-to-use sound system. A lint brush for your partner's clothes, if you own pets. Animals love to use anything black as their new favorite bed.

That's a good start — but what are the five most important things, according to our fearless advice columnist? Click here to find out.

Who’s the Sexiest Flight of the Conchords Star?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 15:32:00 GMT

To vote, click on the name you love the most…

About Last Night: Flight of the Conchords at Town Hall New York

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Who Would You Rather: Bret or Jemaine? At last night’s Flight of the Conchords’ show at Town Hall New York, that fateful question seemed to be the main point of contention between audience members, and the boys themselves. And the guy next to me, and me. (What a hard life, huh?)

My personal dilemma: who was Jemaine’s new hairstyle most reminiscent of? Greg Brady? Farrah Fawcett? …but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I was lucky enough to have snagged one of red velour-covered seats at last night’s sold-out concert, though I wasn’t sure what to expect. As a fan of the HBO series, and a long-time deliberator between whom I would rather (Jemaine. Definitely Jemaine.), I still had never bought one of their albums. (Sorry, guys.) After the comedic stylings of Todd Barry warmed up the crowd (everyone loves a good Trader Joe’s joke) the lights went down, and the crowd’s energy went up. The hipster-esque crowd morphed into a humming, fidgeting vat of pheromones. Thank God the AC was on high or the place would have melted.

Then the Kiwi digi-folk-paradist gods came onstage to thundering applause…looking just like themselves. Hey, I’ll freely admit that I spent the first 20 minutes mentally going, “Wow, Bret (“Brit”) looks just like he does on TV! Only maybe his teeth are whiter. And his moustache is slightly more pronounced. And he’s not wearing an 80s sweatshirt emblazoned with an owl or a deer or any other woodland creature. And, he just said ‘fuck’! Oh my Lord, he just said ‘fuck’ again. Bret on the show wouldn’t say ‘fuck’!” (Yes, I have an MFA.)

I’ll also freely admit that for at least five minutes I thought a spider had landed on my head or back. I was a little distracted.

But I was soon drawn back in. The boys are as endearing live as they are on the show, and play basically the same characters. Bret told tales of his imaginary wife and children, and their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children…maybe you had to be there. The crowd loved each and every song, from the good ol’ classics like “Business Time” to new songs featuring women fleeing relationships via bus or coma. The theater was lush with soft Kiwi lust. The first woman to shout out “I love you Bret!” caused a mild ripple of sighing agreement. More fans shouted out to Bret, including the guy next to me who was about to jump out of his seat. (And who kept stretching his neck with head-rolling exercises. Understandable, but still disconcerting to see – out of the corner of your eye – a pale, slack face rolling slowly toward you, Exorcist-like. I wanted to give him a neck rub to make him stop it already, but I think he only would have accepted such assistance from Bret.)

Of course, to a Jemaine supporter such as myself, these Bret-oriented catcalls smacked of insult. I was just about to shout my support of Jemaine’s body when another woman to the left of the house did it better, and louder. Though it did come off like a sad condescension, after the myriad pro-Bret catcalls. “We love you, um, too, Jemaine!”

Even when Bret had all the men in the audience shout “We love you, Jemaine” … the taller and more myopic Conchord still seemed a tad despondent. Only one person shouted Murray’s name; but wouldn’t we all have liked to see some Ginger Balls?

The show went on, with myriad audience requests – only five or so for “Freebird” – which Jemaine happily obliged, singing the one line he knew. By the end of the night, the tide had turned and women were screaming for Jemaine’s body. (His tight white shirt, unbuttoned one daring button past what most American dudes allow, did show it off in all its hulking glory.) After a two-song encore, the boys sadly disappeared…despite their onstage banter (promise?) of hanging out and receiving kisses from fans.

I would totally have had them sign my breasts and get a pic. Just for you guys. Alas, we were all left to wander into the night, singing their songs in our heads and carrying love in our hearts…

Oh yes. And the one remaining, vital question of the evening: how best to describe Jemaine’s new, slightly longer hairstyle? I will grant you that he has dark hair, was sitting in front of a black curtain, and that I am probably legally blind…but with my smudged glasses I studied him. Oh how I studied him. The thick curls of Patrick Dempsey? The lush brunette glory of Greg Brady? The way the sides of his bangs flipped back: a new (utterly masculine) take on the Farrah Fawcett flip?

But then it hit me, like a vision of David Bowie a-glitter and a-glow, above my bed: Andy Samberg.

Wait till the new season. You’ll see.

Unless he gets a haircut. Or, I need new glasses.

— Nicole Ankowski

Japandering: The Five Most Embarrassing Celebrity Commercials

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:17:00 GMT

We’ve known for a long time that famous American movie stars who would never deign to sully themselves doing television commercials at home have no such compunctions about doing them abroad, most often in Japan. This phenomenon was immortalized in Lost in Translation, of course, but the tasteful Suntory ad that Bill Murray’s character struggles to complete is not necessarily representative of the antics our most respected and treasured movie icons will get up to when they don’t think we’re watching. Nowadays, of course, thanks to YouTube and the invaluable resource Japander, we’re always watching! Let’s assume these five stars haven’t been humiliated enough and put them through the wringer one more time. — Scott Von Doviak

From Bruce Willis to Ah-nold to…Alex P. Keaton? Check out all five over at the Screengrab.

Screengrab Q&A: Garth Jennings and Nick Goldsmith, Directors of “Son of Rambow”

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Nerve editor Peter Smith got to sit down with directors Garth Jennings and Nick Goldsmith. The duo made a name for themselves helming music videos for Blur, Pulp and R.E.M….not to mention a little film called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Their latest, Son of Rambow, “follows schoolboy Will (newcomer Bill Milner, an instantly endearing tangle of scrawny limbs), raised by his mother in a conservative religious sect, the Plymouth Brethren. His upbringing has kept him away from all media, so when his troublemaking classmate Lee Carter shows him a bootleg copy of Sylvester Stallone's First Blood, his world is forever changed, and he and Lee Carter set off to make their own First Blood sequel — Son of Rambow."

The guys talk rehearsal, Rambo, and storytelling rapture, right here.

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.6.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 06 May 2008 19:51:00 GMT

This one scores points for poetry…and damn if the weather isn’t sunny, gorgeous, and perfect for floating pheromones here in New York, as well. Is anyone else finding themselves suddenly frisky? Let us know in the Nerve Dating Confessions...

From the Archives: I Did It For Science: Ladies Night

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:08:00 GMT

Before Rev. Jen Miller did it for science…Grant Stoddard did it. A lot. For this experiment, he stripped down and manned up…and gave it his pole-shimmying, lap-dancing all for Ladies Night. The picture above isn’t Grant, but read the entire piece to see him for real…

New on Nerve, 5.6.08: “Seeking Aylum” By Rev. Jen Miller

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 06 May 2008 15:24:00 GMT

Reverend Jen is back! If you haven’t had the extreme pleasure, you can get to know her here. Or, just read today’s personal essay, in which the good Reverend recounts how a broken heart led to panic attacks, which led to her trying to find free therapy. Those ads in the back of The Village Voice always help.

But first came the sex. And then the heartbreak:
"It's not about you" is code for, "It is about you." It's code for, "Can we still be friends because I don't think I EVER WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AGAIN." It's code for, "Remember that awesome blowjob you gave me last week? I don't want one of those EVER AGAIN." It's code for, "You are not good enough for me for whatever reason, so I'm throwing you out like the used condom I filled with seminal fluid after penetrating you last Tuesday."

Read the entire essay here. And for real-life pics of the sexy, elven-eared author…

Visit her website. Or, check out this sampling. Delicious, and I'm not just talking about the cupcake...

New on Nerve, 5.5.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:10:00 GMT

Torn between Tequila shots and margaritas as the perfect Cinco de Mayo thirst-quencher? Perhaps this week’s horoscopes will show you the way…

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You like to believe that there's not a single situation you can't wriggle your way out of — or into. And even though your ability to procure fake passports or swing onto rooftops with just a bucket and six feet of rope borders on genius, here's a gentle astrological reminder that you have neither a stunt double nor good insurance, so take it easy this week. The new moon on May 5th is easily going to be the best shakeup your life has seen so far — from bedroom to boardroom, you're finally going to get the break you've been craving. Living on the fly is fun and all, but you'll find that a little security — in your brain and in your wallet — is just what you need to gear up for the next big adventure.

Not a big, bad Aries? Find your sign here.

Do You Want to Make Out With This Woman? Do You Own a Web Cam?

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:03:00 GMT

We all know Mentos is “the freshmaker!” But now they’re breaking new advertising ground: check out the Mentos KissCam, wherein—if you have a web cam—you can choose to suck face with the lovely lass above (or a burly dude who looks like the mechanic-version of Fabio). Don’t worry, no morning breath here: the hotties pop a Mentos before said virtual make-out session commences. Don’t have a web came? You can still get a taste right here. Which we actually prefer, because then you get to see some dude lick his laptop. And we thought we were the only ones…

[Via Adfreak]

New on Nerve, 5.5.08: Jonathan Ames In “Tub Talk with Sara B.”

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Happy Cinco de Mayo! I can’t think of better, non-Tequila-related way to celebrate than with the ninth installment of Tub Talk with Sara B.! Featuring non other than writer, actor, and boxer Jonathan Ames. Now he’s getting into graphic novels…and Sara’s B.’s breasts. Get wet with the first, the original, the best web comedy talk show that takes place in a bathtub.

New on Nerve, 5.5.08: The 50 Greatest Commercial Parodies of All Time

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:07:00 GMT

The above picture is from "Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Creme (New Formula!)," an ol’ SNL commercial parody from 1994. That pretty much sells the feature for me. But if you need more, we’ve got it! From "Buhweet Sings" and “Bass-o-Matic” to “Mom Jeans” and “Crystal Gravy,” we spent countless lunch hours trolling the web to find video clips of the best ad satires in TV history. Check out the funny right here.

Hollywood Sex Scene of the Day, 5.2.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:38:00 GMT

Don’t worry, she’s just resting before kicking ass...

Hm, what do you think of blond Angelina Jolie: scary, sad, or sexy?

Or, all of the above?

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.2.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Do we all have a little snoop dog in us? Bark, bite and tussle at the Nerve Dating Confessions.

Break Up With Your Famous Girlfriend, Make a Documentary About It

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:22:00 GMT

This week Salon spoke with director Paul H-O, “an unsuccessful artist turned cable TV host [who snagged] an interview with one of the world's most reclusive and glamorous art stars, Cindy Sherman”…and then the two fell head-over-heels in love. Paul H-O appears to have struggled mightily with the fact that he was the lesser-known, (perhaps in his mind, less-powerful) of the two. In fact, he even refers to himself as “the wife.” They eventually broke up, and he eventually made a documentary about her. “Guest of Cindy Sherman” ain’t no Forgetting Sarah Marshall. An interview with Paul H-O is above, and you can read more at Salon.

Anyone else out there dating a (more) famous person? Anyone else wish they had more context for the whole “wife” comment?

Screengrab Predicts the Top 5 Box-Office Bombs of 2008

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 18:28:00 GMT

Sex and the City? Say it ain’t so! Today Screengrab is predicting the “Top 5 box-office disappointments and/or outright disastrous flops of Summer 2008.” The Hulk, I’ll grant you. But I think there are enough SATC freaks, as well as Wachowski brothers (er, siblings?) fans to make the last two summertime success stories.

Check out all five right here, and make your own predictions! Whoever scores the most correct answers wins an imaginary fantasy date with Mike Myers or Sarah Jessica Parker…

New on Nerve, 5.2.08: The Nerve Date with Sarah

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:38:00 GMT

Let me just say that Sarah and photographer Tony Stamolis have found the most erotic use yet for pink marshmallow Peeps. I’ll leave it at that, but you’ll want to go out with Sarah, yourself. Believe me. Click here to see the entire Nerve Date. And check out a few more racy pics after the jump…

See Sarah in all her glory (yes, more glory!) here at the Nerve Date.

“Farmer” Wants a “Wife”? We Want More!

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 01 May 2008 22:07:00 GMT

What to expect from the CW’s latest international import? Farmer Wants a Wife, the Bachelor-meets-bumpkin reality dating show premiered last night, and I’ll admit my excitement was tempered by a bit of Bachelor-esque ennui. Yes, I religiously watch everything from America’s Next Top Model to Supernanny (love Jo!). But the one “reality” show I stopped watching years ago was The Bachelor. (It just hasn’t been the same since Jerry O’Connell’s brother handed out the roses.)

I expected a similar, cheesy set-up from Farmer Wants a Wife: a vaguely sexy Farmer-hero (check); a bevy of cute-to-psychotic amorous ladies (check); a farm (check) and a ridiculous goodbye-ceremony (holy hen cages, double-check with a gold star!). We even get some local color, when a diner patron tells the cameras, “I think city girls are wild up front. Country girls are wild in the back.” Yee-haw!

I did not expect to be charmed by the ladies. The show begins with Matt, aka The Farmer, a 29-year-old college grad and grain farmer in Portage Des Sioux, Missouri. With his bristle-brush blond hair, six-pack abs and entirely non-Farmer’s-tan tan, he’s not bad on the eyes. He says he’s willing to do the show because, despite his abs, wifely pickings are slim in a town with a population of 351 people.

I don’t know if I totally buy that he rides his tractor shirtless 24-7, but his grand half-naked entrance made all the ladies swoon. (That, or the heat.)

The young ladies, who range in age, hometowns, and heel heights, are all city-dwellers who say chivalry in the city is dead. Living in New York, it’s hard not to feel empathetic – though don’t we all think the grass is greener on the other side of the Hudson? My friends in San Francisco envy my friends in Ohio who envy my friends in D.C. who think the Chicago girls have it easy, who then say New York is where the men must be…It’s easy to understand why a girl might finally say, “I give up! I will gladly huck and muck and milk cows for the rest of my life, if I can also find true love.” I’m sure being on the TV show didn’t hurt, but still…

The girls are flown in small planes to a rural airstrip, where they totter around in ridiculous heels and glare silently at each other, and the expansive, prairie landscape. They’re driven, via schoolbus, to a borrowed farmstead where we first see the Farmer…shirtless, tan, serious and chivalrous, racing his tractor towards them. And that is truly when the girls lose their shit. He carries one off the bus and she nearly swoons. Brooke, 23 and from Texas, is basically in love by the end of the show. Kanisha, or KJ, 25 and from California says, “When I look in his eyes I travel out to space.”

The girls’ first challenge is to catch and cage chickens, which somehow seems easier than the evil masterminds behind the show probably had hoped. There are no cat fights in dirt clouds, though we do see an abundance of Daisy Dukes. LA-girl Stephanie, 23, is the only girl who steps in cow shit. She’s also the only girl who is terrified of chickens: “Oh my god. I’ve never a seen a chicken. I’m afraid of them like pecking my eyes out. Because…I want to see. And I like seeing things. And I definitely need my eyes!”

True dat.

Kanisha wins immunity, and then the Matt takes the girls on a hayride…where they actually seem to talk. And listen to each other. It was like the reality universe had turned upon itself, and I couldn’t tell up from down from east from west. Did everyone like each other? Did everyone except Stephanie not mind the hay ride? Would someone actually find love? And then Josie started talking.

We’d already been introduced to the 25-year-old from Laguna Niguel, California (“My name is Josie. I think of myself as a ten-plus. That’s part of being Republican.”). But on the hay ride she lets it all loose, and the girls find a common enemy. (And my reality show-equilibrium returns!):

“I am a winner and I think like a winner, like George Bush says. I’m a goal-digger, G-O-A-L. I think that world might be coming to an end. And the Jews, the Christians, and the Catholics, we all are one and we have to stick together and fight.”

And speaking of fighting, “I fight for men like they do in the Middle East. Before somebody blows me up, I blow them up.” She is either an actress of the highest caliber, or a completely delusional young woman. Either way, you know the producers are keeping her around.

The one person I don’t buy in all of this is the Farmer himself. Matt comes off as the Ryan Seacrest of farmers. He’s too slick; he doesn’t stutter when he speaks; and he seems completely at ease hosting this gaggle of girls while the cameras run. (Also, he repeatedly says, “Let’s roll.”) Maybe it’s because he’s dreamed of such an opportunity for so long (word on the street is he previously had applied to be a contestant on The Bachelor). But he came off as eerily camera-ready. And not that interested in the girls.

Maybe it was just nerves. On his private date with Christa, he hand-made her mint juleps and they then sat on a swing and …talked? Christa giggled at every word he said, and obviously wanted to suck face. He gently pecked her. I didn’t know straight dudes who weren’t Southern or metrosexual hand-crushed fresh mint. Or maybe I’ve been citified so long I don’t recognize chivalry when it refuses to make out with my drunk ass, and then walks me to my doorstep.

By now I was snoozing through the show (virgins toilet paper a truck, fights break out, etc.), but then came the Goodbye Ceremony! Oh lord, the complicated goodbye ceremony! First the girls were instructed to stand by posts, upon which chickens in cages were perched. Then Matt went around to remove all the cages (thankfully, this process was edited out). Then the girls had to lift their chickens, root around in the nest, and find an egg. No egg? You’re out!

Stephanie was booted. As Matt said, “Miss Stephanie had a lot of City in her.” The eye-rolling that resulted from Josie staying on the show could have powered a farmhouse’s generator…but surprisingly, Matt said he had a good reason to keep Jodie around. No, he didn’t want to sleep with her. But she did bring out other sides of the girls that he wouldn’t have otherwise seen. That, and there is no way the producers are letting her go so easily.

Until next time, let’s roll (in the hay)!

In Other Blogs, 5.1.08: The End of Society Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 01 May 2008 20:14:00 GMT

Porn star...or American Apparel Model?

Y’all. We’re not trying to sound like the little old biddies that we might possibly be, but there are some days where we just want to tune out and see if we can fix the state of the world with a strong cocktail and a disapproving sigh. Given what’s going on in the pop culture universe today, that might just be our plan for the next few days.

Over at the daily Scanner, the story that broke my brain has to do with a vag-biting dog, but it doesn’t stop there. Other cringe-inducing moments in today’s world include the UK’s move to ban “extreme” porn (whatever that means), more transvestite hooker football scandals, Princess Leia may have boinked Han Solo (which means that years of fan fiction may actually be grounded in a queasy nugget of truth), and another reminder that, unlike certain of our pinko commie neighboring nations, the US still refuses to give the working people their due.

And take, for instance, what the Video Blog has dragged in. Having watched a goodly number of talk shows in our day, we thought we’d seen the worst of it. But we weren’t ready for this MoPo monstrosity. Nor are we adequately equipped to handle the implications of a seven-year-old boy stealing a car in order to “do hood rat stuff” with his equally seven-year-old friends. Luckily, it’s balanced out by a healthy dose of cute animals, a Summer Superhero Flick review session, and The Empire Strikes Back in 60 seconds.

At yon Screengrab, things are looking slightly better. They’ve got a whole slew of Tribeca Film Festival reviews, including Harmony Korine’s new film “Mister Lonely” (and nothing warms the heart more than celebrity impersonators and Werner Herzog), and a documentary about a child soldier in Uganda turned American boxing champ. Also, check out their pre-emptive strike on this summer’s predicted blockbusters, and the original soundtrack for Enter the Dragon.

Yes, kiddies, things are looking better already.

— Caitlin MacRae

Deep Inside…Brandon Herman's Photo Blog

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 01 May 2008 17:41:00 GMT

Shennanigans + boobs in the Suburban.

How best to describe Brandonland, Brandon Herman’s Nerve photoblog? I mean, there’s always the one word that springs (ahem) immediately to mind: dick. Cock. Men wearing shirts with no pants. Men peeing. Men skateboarding. Men doing yoga or making out with women or punching each other in the stomach. All with no pants.

In other words, a thing of beauty.

Brandon seems to capture the lifestyle of the young, impetuous, intrepid souls…people who find adventure wherever they go. And don’t mind urinating against a wall, or each other, on the way. Do you live in Brandonland?

Here’s some of his latest blog entries (sorry for the male full-frontal editing, kids. Go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Enjoy his entire blog here.

Jay-Z is Evil
4/28/2008 11:29:19 PM

I was watching the O'Reilly Factor yesterday morning with my grandma and they covered this story about this kid in Florida who was arrested for making his own grandmother perform in some gangsta rap videos he made. In some of the shots she's decked out in gang-banger attire, complete with bandana, baggy jersey and bling, and in others she's wearing a ski mask, waving a gun and money, and talking about shooting cops. O'Reilly was totally horrified, and he had some pretty blonde Republican chick on the show talking about how twisted the kid was as well, but personally I found it touching that gangsta rap had been the catalyst for some generation-gap-crossing grandmother-son bonding. It kind of made me want to make a rap video with my grandma.

And on the subject of rap:
I would encourage all of you readers to boycott Jay-Z. He's evil and I'm pretty sure that he is actually just a white person in blackface working hard to perpetuate black oppression and racism. The values that he instills in black youth are the equivalent of a million white kids looking up to Donald Trump. All he raps about is consumerism and its sad that he rots people's brains with such garbage. And it makes sense that he is marrying the whitest black woman on earth.

I got a splinter yesterday at the pool party I was at but I can't seem to get it out of my foot, so I think its just going to have to be permanent. Like a tattoo.

Currently listening to: "Bleeding Brain Grow" by MC Paul Barman.

Today sucked
4/23/2008 11:23:50 PM

I've been really moody all day today. I woke up with a bad hangover and a downer attitude. I hate that. Sometimes I actually love hangovers because they slow everything down a bit and make everything seem kind of trippy. And you feel all fragile like you're made out of glass or something. As long as its not a throw-up hangover, I usually can enjoy it. But not this one. This one is a depressed, think of lots of reasons to hate myself hangover. Boo.

My younger sister is flying in tonight to visit me. She called the other day and said she hates college right now so I am flying her out for a couple days of me. What a nice brother huh? She was supposed to be here hours ago but she went all the way through security with no boarding pass, then obviously was sent back to the check-in counter, and by the time she got back through again she had missed her flight. What a dumb-dumb.

Tonight we'll drive out to the desert so that tomorrow we can go to this pool party Anthem mag is throwing for Coachella. It wouldn't be me if there wasn't a pool party involved, now would it?

Currently listening to some Nine Inch Nails song, the name of which I actually don't know.

Its Tearin Up My Heart
4/23/2008 10:45:07 PM

I've been listening to these crazy mashups all day. Like ones where they combine forty different hit songs from the 90s all into one long continuous ass-kicking stereo slam-jam. Why is it that a bunch of songs I don't like can all be amazing when melded together into one mashup masterpiece?

Some highlights from today's mashup findings:
A mashup of "Hey Ya" by Outkast and "We Will Rock You" by Queen.
A mashup of one 80's pop hit song for every letter of the alphabet, all in alphabetical order.
A mashup of early nineties club classics that kicks off with that "What Is Love" song that the Roxbury brothers bob their heads to.

Currently listening to: "Welcome Back Mix" by DJ Praise, an epic medley combining 70's action theme songs with 90's hip-hop.

Hollywood Death Tour
4/21/2008 1:24:02 AM

So this producer from the Canadian TV company CHUMTV called me a few months ago and told me that he was going to come to LA and do a special on David Lynch and a special on me, which I was totally excited about because I love being on TV. They arrived last week, and they interviewed me a bunch, and then they wanted to see me in action so on Thursday night I took them out with a bunch of friends and we toured around to houses in Hollywood where famous murders had occurred and got drunk and naked a lot and took pictures. Check it out...

So here's me answerin' some questions about what it is that I do and why I do it. The sun was in my eyes and I was drunk and couldn't concentrate, so I'm sure I'll look like a total dumbass.

And here we are at the first stop of the night, the house where the famous Wonderland murders (involving porn star John Holmes) took place. And Morgan had to pee.

Paula against the wall in the garage of the Wonderland house.

A pit stop on the side of Mulholland Drive. More pissing and stuff.

We got driven around in this big black Suburban and even though they told me it sat eight, I brought ten friends. We were all cozy like sardines. There were lots of shennanigans in the Suburban.

Me and Paula in front of the house where the Sharon Tate murders took place. I know it looks like I'm wearing a dress but its actually a trench coat over shorts.

Shennanigans on the road too.

Here's Morgan in front of the house where the Menendez brothers killed their parents. The new owners have a Bentley.

Shennanigans + boobs in the Suburban.

Currently listening to: "Ringfinger" by Nine Inch Nails.

North America!
4/17/2008 8:00:00 AM

I just can't stop with the gymnastics. I think I was supposed to be an Olympic coach or something. Here's the latest contender in my gymnastics championship:

I just registered to vote yesterday. Who are you all into? I like Hilary. Don't know why. She just seems cool. Reminds me of my mom if my mom wasn't so pretty, and was a little meaner.

Currently listening to: "North American Scum" by LCD Soundsytem