Nerve Insider : The Modern Materialist

Want to Wear Hayden Panettiere's Used Clothes…For a Good Cause?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:35:00 GMT

Wanna be a hero…or just get to know one? The Modern Materialist shows you how: check out how you get close, really close, to Heroes’ hottie Hayden Panettiere. Or, you know, wear her used clothes…

Also check out:
The $58,000 Personal Helicopter: wear a helmet!
The incredible, edible, chocolate…anus. No need to wear a helmet.
Deal of the day: Guitar Hero 3 for $60, Rock Band for $100.
Silent Dog Tags: for actual dogs.
Wendy’s guide to Chicago Shopping: plus, an ultra-cute picture of ultra-cute Wendy.
So you already own a $58,000 Personal Helicopter, and the $50,000 turntable, and now you want to build your own under-the-sea community? Steph brings you the perfect accessories.
Or, for the rest of us: ten deals under $10.
Wondering if you’ve got mail? But this and you’ll know, fo’ sho.
Sweet-ass places to park your booty.
Let the sunshine in: add a solar panel to your Prius!
Cheap trick for a cheap Penguin.
Worth the splurge? Pottery Barn’s Daily System.
And Wendy brings you: 80's Things That are Popular Again that I'm Too Old to Pull Off. (We think she can pull of neon.)

The Modern Materialist Helps You Spend Your “Economic Stimulus” Check…

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:09:00 GMT

Have you gotten your $600 “economic-stimulus” check from the government yet? When you do, the Modern Materialist has over six hundred great ways to spend it… Here’s a round-up of their latest treasures:
The Walk of Shame Kit: where was this when I was in college?! (Also helpful on the morning after: the universal shower diffuser.)
Faux sure: the electronic cigarette.
Pun Tiles: not actually puns, but really, really cool.
Hangover Helper Mints: “eliminates ass mouth.”
Umbrella Stools: As in your can sit on them. Not the other kind…
Twist Naked Sponges: good for the environment, nice way to bring up getting’ nude with your significant other…
The travel bar: with two sexy flasks, it’s also a nice way to bring up getting’ nude with your significant other.
Also environmentally friendly: blue balls.
Do you need a giant guitar?
Screw Target: get your personalized pool-float here.
Webcams: not just for live sex feeds, anymore.
And finally, the Fractal 23 desk. Okay, it’s made to order, and costs $20,000. But if you have 33.33 friends who all really like art desks…well, you’re golden.
And if you spent your entire economic stimulus on fun goodies and can’t afford therapy, get your therapy flashcards on, on the cheap.

All this and more, at the Modern Materialist!

From the Archives: Your Mother Was A Fish

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:14:00 GMT

A word of warning: this Sunday, May 11, is Mother’s Day. Buy a Hallmark Card, dammit! Or, if you and your mother have a special sort of relationship, I guess you could share these stories with her…

A.M. Homes’ tells the mother of all tales:

“She had a dressmaker split the center seam, separating her so she could walk, and went through life with her legs covered in thick green scales, a brocade, fossilized by the sea into leathery chaps like a cowboy would wear. Men found her scales incredibly attractive; it was considered good luck to rub her thighs. They all wanted only one thing, to get into the space between the scales, the alligator purse that had been perfectly protected. The sweat of their palms stung her skin; she found them repulsive.

She moved to Massachusetts and took a part time job doing women's work sewing tassels on loafers in a shoe factory.”

...read “Your Mother Was a Fish” in its entirety, here.

You’re more into poetry, you say? Check out “My Mother’s Penis” by Carissa Neff. Don’t forget the batteries!

And if you love funny-sad, smart-sexy-strange (who doesn’t?) check out Lisa Carver’s personal essay, “All About My Mother.”

And The Modern Materialist brings you a scary way to put the disembodied voice of your mother inside your refrigerator…

The Modern Materialist Interview: Geoff Haggerty and the Comfy Bed

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:30:00 GMT

What do you think makes J.Lo go "woooo"?

This week, The Modern Materialist talks to Geoff Haggerty, a writer for the Onion News Network, who, for a very long time, had a teeny tiny bed. And then he went shopping…

MM: So, without necessarily getting too explicit, any interesting stories you can share about the bed?
GH: Oh, you mean besides all the incredible sex I've had in it? Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That's what it sounds like when I have sex. I'm sort of at a loss interesting story-wise. I will say that for the first month or so after I bought it, it completely felt like any extravagant purchase or gift. You know that feeling of, "I can't wait to play with my new video game or iPod or whatever?" Well I had that feeling, except with a bed. I got all happy and sleepy and tired at the same time and went to bed earlier than at any other time in my life.

Want a bed that makes you go “Wooooo”? Find it right here, on the TMM.

The Modern Materialist Gets Its Freak On

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:41:00 GMT

I don’t know about you, but I’m a bit addicted to the Modern Materialist blog. Maybe it’s because I happen to know two of the bloggers, and they’re super-fun peeps who most eagerly crash Playgirl parties with me. (Or force me to go hooping; sadly, not as dirty as it sounds). Plus, they find tons of amazing items that make me wish I was a trust-fund child, so I could fill my apartment with all the material goodness….But as of yesterday, they surprised me and got their freak on.

And their freak was good…

Steph Auteri was inspired by Grant Stoddard’s “I Did It for Science: Cock Ring” piece. She found some cock rings that will knock the ladies’ socks off. It’s never TMI, Steph! Check ‘em here.

But it was MM blogger Alex who took it to a whole, new, edible, flammable, self-f*ckable level with his find, the Clone-a-Willy Kit. I’ll let Alex explain:

“The Clone-A-Willy Kit let's you stick your man-bits in a mold, then use enclosed materials to create your own female stress reliever. The kit comes with everything you need to make the… Um…. Pleasure tube, and comes in several different varieties: Light tone, dark tone, candle, soap, glow in the dark, and chocolate. And yes, the chocolate one is totally edible. Because there's nothing sexier than seeing your loved one tearing a giant chunk out of your penis with her teeth.

The prices range from $30 for the basic kits, to $45 for the glow in the dark kit, and there are also three Clone-A-Pussy kit, which I have to assume is a mold you stick your cat in. Could be wrong.”

Click here to see more pictures, and what pre-op commenter “sexy humanoid” plans to do a cloned willy, post-op…Send pictures, sexy humanoid!

Blogger Wendy found a way to make even the “Butter Boy and Girl” a little spicy; yes girl, sink your teeth into all that corny goodness. And if you need help getting the party started (especially if you or said party-goers have an oral fixation), she recommends the perfect upscale candy: absinthe lollypops. You can then woo your lovers with a New York apartment-sized s’more kit. It might lead to you whipping off your Pac-Man belt (or, um, whipping with your Pac-Man belt), kicking off your peep-toe kicks and revealing the full glory of your customized G-string. And if you want to record the kink in HD for all posterity, you can use Sony’s new sweet-ass future camcorder. And after all the corn and cloned willies and lovin’ you can clean up with some “Stinky Hippie” body wash. (Or, um, not?) Then check yourself in the mustache mirror; a perfect way to see if your new lover has a sense of humor. And to make sure you don’t have any corn stuck in your teeth.

The MM Interview: Mary Burke and the Mobile Internet

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Today The MM Interview features Zac Posen employee Mary Burke, and why she loves her Verizon Wireless USB720 Modem. Plan before you buy, kids! Check out Mary’s full review and life story here. Well, her life story as it pertains to this marvelous, modern gadget, plus what it’s like when the open road is your office, and a luxury women's wear designer is your boss.

New on Nerve, 4.4.08: The Modern Materialist Interview: Shayna Ferm and Her Amazing Sleep Machine

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Ooh, baby: today the Modern Materialist unveiled a new feature for all you Materialistas out there. Check out the Modern Materialist Interview, in which those wacky material girls and boys talk to people they like, about stuff they love.

Today's inaugural issue features MM blogger Alex chatting with comedian and graphic designer Shayna Ferm about her Homedics® SoundSpa Sound Machine. She says she can no longer sleep without. I’m sure many of you would want to help her try, though…Check out the interview, and the pretty pics (both of Shayna, and the SoundSpa!) right here.

In Other Blogs: The Modern Materialist Loves Calvin and Hobbes

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 22:28:00 GMT

Bill Watterson was the Charles Schulz of the millennial generation. His richly drawn, tragicomic Calvin and Hobbes wedged pathos into the fantasy world of a spiky haired 6-year-old boy and his stuffed tiger. Today, The Modern Materialist writer Alex Zalben waxes nostalgic on comic strips past. “Comic strips, on a whole, are disappearing, and I think a large part of that has to do with the end of The Far Side, and Calvin & Hobbes, which were like a one-two punch for the strip format,” he writes. For only 95 bones on Amazon.com, you can pony up for a print of the heartbreakingly sweet final Calvin and Hobbes strip.

Other goodies in The Modern Materialist grab bag:
The vaguely misogynistic Hillary Clinton nutcracker.
Kitschy throwback Zoltars from the Tom Hanks classic, Big.
Clunky felt tip slingback wedges from Franco Sarto .
And every nerd’s wet dream: a mailbox shaped like R2-D2.

-- Joey Hood

Gimme!: The Double Pourer

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:20:00 GMT

How did The Modern Materialist crew spend St. Patty’s Day? The perfect way: by finding green- and alcohol-related treasures. What do you think, kids: is the double wine pourer tacky? Or, if a date pulled this move, would you let him pull some other moves, as well?

I’m kinda in love, in the same way I kinda love Three’s Company reruns…in theory. Not sure how it would play out in reality. I feel the same way about this “Mr. P Lamp”…Who would actually put this in their apartment?

The Mr. P Lamp:

Other recent highlights include…

Alcohol-related
Roederer Estate NV Brut: the champagne for people who hate champagne.
A bottle-opener fridge magnet (one of the ten best inventions of all time?)
Red Hot Liquor Love: Has nothing to do with Debbie Gibson songs, but still cool…
Irish Coffee: nectar of the gods.
How P. Diddy sold his Hypnotiq liquor: the opposite of the nectar of the gods.

Green-related
Easy-peasy rechargeable batteries.
If you want to save some green while becoming more green: The Lazy Environmentalist.
The AeroGarden: not just in Sky Mall anymore.
The Translations Waste Can: recycle, even when not recycling!
How seatbelts escape the landfills: recycled hammocks.
Earn “40 eco points”: wear recycled glass earrings.

Need more eco points? Find ways to earn 'em (and maybe Angelina's hair?!) at The Modern Materialist…

Best Buy of the Day, 2.25.08

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 21:26:00 GMT

Everyone wants an egg that looks like a bunny. Right? Right?

If that’s not your cup of…breakfast…The Modern Materialist has plenty of other delicious ’n’ freaky objects for your affections. Such as: Tic Tac Toast; the Cableyoyo; top-of-the-line salt and pepper shakers; colorful cocktail monkeys (who won’t steal your drink!); Tetris ice trays; faux-microphone light fixtures (goes well with air guitar); and the anti-gravity treadmill. Don’t ask me what that entails…ask The Modern Materialist.

Put This in Your Mouth and Smoke It

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:49:00 GMT

Fresh from The Modern Materialist, with a big helping of joy, wonder and WTF:

“How to celebrate Castro’s retirement as El Presidente of Cuba? I’d say light up a fine Cuban Cigar, except, just because Castro isn’t ruler anymore, it don’t mean Cubans are any more legal. So let’s try the next best thing, and break out the Natural Wood Effect Electronic Cigars!

The completely non-flaming device fits flavored nicotine cartridges into a wood casing, for that “I don’t know what a cigar is” effect we all crave. Flavors run the gamut from Apple, to Pineapple, and you can even get them in Menthol.”

Check out the how-to video, here. Better than Nicorette?

Best (Twisted) Buy of the Day

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:36:00 GMT

Sure, every day The Modern Materialist finds tons of cool/wacky/necessary items for your buying pleasure…but today, of all days, you might be in search of a last-minute gift for your sweetie. My pick o’ the day is Jason Sho Green’s twisted, hand-drawn greeting cards. (Because Hallmark, sadly, doesn’t make a card that reads, “You had me at anal beads.”) But Jason does…check out the arty brilliance, here.

Also good for getting in the mood: the right lighting and the right, um, stripper-themed candy bowl? And for all you V-Day haters out there, try this…

Get Your Shop On: The Modern Materialist

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:05:00 GMT

Head on over to The Modern Materialist and get your daily, cool-new-product fix. My personal, eco-geek fave as of this moment: the Envirosax. Even though the name makes me think of drug commercials on TV (and their corresponding, mile-long list of side effects; compulsive gambling, anyone?), these are actually colorful, trendy reusable grocery bags. Their extra-groovy feature? They can be rolled up into little wads o’ love, so you can tote ’em around in your purse or pocket, and never be stuck without a reusable bag again.

Plus: what old-school trend is popping up in all-new places? Wendy’s fantasy life, er…this cool coffee table. Perfect for Valentine’s Day: “May Contain Nuts” briefs. How to decorate your walls when you’re too lazy for manual labor. Love it or leave it?...the Mr. Suicide bathtub plug. And…the “great iPhone robbery!”

In Other Blogs: The Joy of Sex, and Spray-On Tans

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:02:00 GMT

Even though Scanner Bryan managed to come back from Mardi Gras with an alarming lack of boob shots, Scanner managed to keep it real in the realms of anatomy and aesthetics: We’ve got an awkward phone encounter with some crazy mess who intentionally drank colloidal silver for ten years and turned blue [insert reference to frustrated testicles here]; complementary guys who spray-tan themselves orange, the gallery edition!; LED pasties; the Joy of Sex redux; Scanner Bryan learns about anatomy…down there; and another reason not to f*ck your cousin.

The Screengrab has been abuzz with losses, lists, and conspiracies. Behold: bidding a fond farewell to Roy Schneider, star of Jaws; trying their damnedest not to forget about John Hughes; and entertaining a new and slightly terrifying theory (Diablo Cody: possibly not a real person? Discuss.). Also, Screengrab takes on the Kingdom of Belgium, as Take Five sets out to prove that “there's a lot more to Belgian filmmaking than just Jean-Claude Van Damme.” Point taken.

And oh, Nerve Video. Feel like you’re pretty comfortable talking about your naughty bits? Well, you’ve got nothing on Alexyss Tylor, host of public access’ “Vagina Power” and harbinger of the most uncomfortably aggressive sex and hygiene advice this side of… anywhere. To wit: “We ain’t gettin’ no magic sticks, we gettin’ garbage dicks.” Indeed. Also: Oliver Miller brings us Monday afternoon roundups featuring the Jabberwocky and Mr. Show, open letters to shady politicians, and a rundown of films of the so-bad-they’re-good variety.

And finally: A brand spankin’ new Nerve Blog! The Modern Materialist is here to give you the skinny on all things “whimsical, practical, fashionable, and just really weird” – take, for example, the pistol blowdryer, this week in sweet sales & savings, and a fold-up scooter that lacks any hint of douchebaggery. Ch-ch-check it!

— Caitlin M.

Brand-Spankin’-New on Nerve, 2.11.08: The Modern Materialist Blog

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 17:43:00 GMT

Sure, money can’t buy you happiness…but it can buy you lots of sweet-ass lifestyle accessories. Check out our brand-spankin’-new blog, The Modern Materialist, “your new guide to the best ingredients of the good life (the best material ingredients, anyway). Whether you're looking for hip gift ideas, suggestions for designing and furnishing your new home, or you just haven't a clue how to spend your paycheck, we'll have all kinds of tips to point you in the right direction. Covering the whimsical, practical, fashionable, and just really weird, The Modern Materialist will be jam-packed with great finds, regular features, awesome deals, contests and more.”

Contests? Whimsical, practical, and weird? Sign me up. Plus, little-known fact about blogger Steph Auteri: she owns a BeDazzler, and she’s not afraid to use it. Visit The Modern Materialist to find items that'll make you joyfully scream like the lil' kids, above.