Nerve Insider : dating

New on Nerve, 5.22.08: Dating Advice From…Voiceover Artists

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:43:00 GMT

I used to do voiceover work…and you know what? This is totally true. Much like in life, a smile can change everything:

What's the best way to sound sexy on the phone?
You know how you can hear it when a person is smiling? It literally changes the tone of your voice. You use different muscles. Same goes for posture. Lie down, turn the lights low and voila.

As can lying down and turning off the lights. Check out more Dating Advice From…Voiceover Artists right here.

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.21.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 21 May 2008 14:49:00 GMT

Just in time for summer:

“I've really never been into giving blow jobs before but...I'm saving the last popsicle in my freezer so that when you get here I can rub it on your dick and then lick all the melty sweet yumminess. I got it bad for you.”

Do you like to play with food? Give us the dish in the Nerve Dating Confessions.

From the Archives: "Brave New World" by Mike Albo

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 21:11:00 GMT

Every once in a while, you stumble upon a piece of writing that makes you feel like maybe your desires are a little more legit than you’d felt before. In his essay “Brave New World,” Mike Albo explores the idea of gender monogamy, a sexual utopia in which he can have a long-term partnership with a man who is free to sleep with women on the side. I think it’s important to explore the limitations of our self-definition; even though it’s tempting to define your desires, is it keeping you from getting what you want? Approaching the topic with candor, wit and mathematical equations, Albo has touched on the kind of relationship I’ve been looking for my entire life. So, I mean, of course I love it.

Okay, fast forward to last week, a year or so later. Friend B calls and tells me how he and his boyfriend (let's call him aB) had some kind of ménage a quatre with Boy X and his friend, yX. Friend B exonerated himself from any guilt for this act by saying he didn't know that Boy X was Boy X until after their little four-way roundelay. That weekend Friend B had a party. I found myself on a rooftop with X, B, C, aB and yX. Jealous, freaked out and insane, I tried to employ the attentions of F, xG, and D(V-x) to retaliate. My life that night became a large calculus equation that I would never be able to solve.

But what do you think?

— Caitlin MacRae

Behind the Scenes: Dandy, Dirty Talk with Sebastian Horsley

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Today’s Q&A with dandy Sebastian Horsley will rock your world. Ever had your girlfriend hide in a cupboard to spy on you having sex? Ever fall truly, madly, deeply in love with a prostitute? Ever been deported from the U.S. for “moral turpitude”? Didn’t think so. But Horsley has. Nerve’ own Alexandra Godfrey dishes on what it’s like have your socks charmed off by a natural-born dandy:

“Alexandraaaah,” he breathed into the phone, in all of his seductive, British glory.

“Oh” I said, taken aback. I hadn’t even announced myself. “I love my name in a British accent.”

“Do you, darling? Well then, I shall say it over and over again throughout our whole interview! Alexandraalexandraalexandra.”

And that is how I “met” Sebastian Horsley. Truth be told, I was quite nervous dialing those overseas digits as I prepared to call up a perfect stranger and ask him all about his sex life. I had no idea how he would react when I asked him about his drug addiction, his obsession with prostitutes or his sexuality. It’s a strange thing to do, even if you’re not shy. Which I’m not. But still, throughout our chat, I couldn’t help but wonder if Sebastian could somehow hear me blushing through the telephone wire. That’s just the sort of man he is, the kind that makes non-shy girls blush over telephone wires.

Sebastian and I did not just talk sex. We talked music, movies, MySpace, life, dreams, aspirations (his and mine) and by the time I thought to look at my watch, nearly two hours had passed. It felt like we were teenagers, dissecting life through the telephone, hiding under the covers so our parents wouldn’t know we were racking up the phone bill. It was the kind of conversation that changes your perception of the world. Before reading his memoir, I had no idea people like Sebastian existed, but after talking to the charming devil himself, I am so very glad they do.

The day after the interview I e-mailed Sebastian to thank him for his time and offered him a drink (or twelve) the next time I breeze through London. To my surprise, the immediate reply was:

“OK. Come to my room at 7.00 p.m. If you're late, I'll start without you. Sx”

Of course, he knows I live in New York City, making it impossible for me to come to his room at seven, but the gesture was nice. Besides, it’s always refreshing to talk to someone who lives in a fantasy land that the rest of us can only wish to visit.

“Ok, see you there.” I wrote back.

— Alexandra Godfrey

Visit the fantasy land: read the entire interview here.

From The Archives: About Last Night…The Boyfriend

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 21:19:00 GMT

I got my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. It lasted one month, and the month happened to be February. So for Valentines Day he gave me a small stuffed Grateful Dead dancing bear from the head shop he hung out at, and a butterfly necklace from Claire’s that broke the next day. Just like Carrie Hill Wilner, ten years later I still don’t know what exactly makes a boyfriend, but I do know that somewhere in between Meg Ryan movies and popping the big question, we do get some pretty great stories out of these guys…

Check out Carrie Hill Wilner’s “About Last Night…The Boyfriend” and follow her deceptively endearing journey to discovering that sometimes wanting that “confusing horrible freak-out sex” can really be quite comforting… — Alexandra Godfrey

New on Nerve, 5.19.08: “Art Star” by Ryan Britt

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Have you ever dated an artist? However close and loving your relationship might be, it’s always startling to see yourself reflected in their work. Ryan Britt discovered this when he became his girlfriend’s muse:

He's really thin. He's naked. He's two-dimensional. If it weren't for the fact that he's lacking a head, he would be six-foot-one. My height. He looks just like me.
My girlfriend, Gabriela, takes a drag of her cigarette, blows the smoke across her Greenpoint studio, turns to look at the real Ryan and asks,
"Do you like it?"
"It looks like me," I say. But I'm lying just a little bit, because while this painting — entitled "White Bread" — has my chest, arms, legs and neck, his penis is bigger than mine.

The joy, the pain, the sex, the Star Trek: read the entire essay, here.

From the Archives: Sexual Amnesia and “Nocturnal Omissions”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Working here at the Nerve offices, I’ve found it’s completely natural to have sex on the brain pretty much always. When you spend your day figuring out the perfect words to parse the graphic, lovely photos from The Daily Siege, or mining the Nerve archives for steamy personal essays from years past, and when you are a sexually frustrated twenty-three year old, yes, you will spend much of your day thinking about boning.

But reading Betty Ross’s essay, Nocturnal Omissions, I felt a resonance different from the kind I get from reading hot fiction about gay sex. Because I don’t explicitly remember most of the sex I’ve had. I tend to chalk it up to having been drunk at the time.

My friends can regale me with detail after detail of their sex lives, but when my turn to spill comes around, I usually can’t muster anything more few brief, qualitative sentences. Ross’ essay explores the idea that sex – despite the amount of time, energy, and money we spend trying to figure it all out down to the littlest detail – may not actually be a memorable thing (also, this new study suggests that it may be true on a biological level):

But in making compelling or attractive points about the loss of sexual memory, they all miss the point: We don't need the bells and whistles of high-art fantasy sequences or Hollywood melodrama to engage in a fantasy about forgetting and sensuality — we live that amnesia every day. All of us remember less about our sex lives than we do about what it feels like to stub a toe or what we had for dinner last night. It is an unspoken truth that no matter how much time we spend obsessing about it, sex — even without the benefit of a Charlie Kaufman screenplay — is an inherently forgettable experience.

— Caitlin MacRae

Read the entire essay here.

Scanner Taking Nominations for "Scanner's Top 10 Hottest Women in the World"

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:45:00 GMT

Scanner is serious about taking nominations for Scanner's Top 10 Hottest Women in the World. On Scanner Emily's list: “Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley frontwoman, child actor and even better solo artist.”

And it’s on! From ScarJo to Charlotte Rampling to…Faye Wong?...the noms are pouring in. Leave your brilliant suggestions in Scanner’s comments section. (I’m all for Thandie Newton. Even if she has gotten disturbingly skinny.)

And after you answer…Did you ever play the ol’ college game where people ask you to name, in your opinion, the hottest male and female celebrities?

So you name them.

And then – insert dramatic shoe-drop thud! here — the person asking the questions reveals that you only chose that celebrity because they look the most like you.

Which happened about 80% of the time. Except for me. I’m so proud to report I look absolutely nothing like the utterly gorgeous Thandie Newton.

::sigh::

What Thandie looks like:

The celebrity I most resembled in high school, according to some dude who made my sandwiches at Subway:

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

New on Nerve, 5.15.08: Behind the Scenes (and the Sex Drive) in “Life After Death”

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 15:06:00 GMT

"Has anyone hit on you yet?"
My brother asked me this a few months into my grieving. "No," I told him. "Of course not. I have widow cooties."

Today we’re proud to publish Susan Seligson’s personal essay, “Life After Death.” She took time to speak with us about the writing process, love, grief, sex — and what happens when you just want to get hit on, but all you receive are hugs. We'll turn it over to Susan:

“In the months following my husband¹s death, I couldn¹t write much. I resisted some friends’ well-meaning insistence that I write about what I was experiencing. Throughout my career I¹ve told my own stories in a way that — or so I¹m often told — touches a common nerve, makes people laugh, cry, or both. But it takes time to gain the clarity to do this. (Joan Didion wrote nothing for a long time before she began her stunning book The Year of Magical Thinking.) I may never feel compelled to tell the whole story, but this Nerve essay touches on just one aspect of widowhood I find provocative — how recent widows are habitually viewed as asexual — and one I can¹t recall reading much about. I’m eager to see comments from readers, especially those who have lost their partners and can relate to that feeling of ‘otherness.’”

Read the entire essay here.

Busty Bachelor Winner, Meet Joe Francis…

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:41:00 GMT

The latest Bachelor: London Calling “winner” Shayne Lamas got way more than just some big-ass bling and the pet name “Monkey”…

She’s also snagged a six-page spread in Girls Gone Wild…the magazine. (They have a magazine?).

People reports: Girls Gone Wild publisher Joe Francis says Lamas’ appeal is easy to sum up. “Shayne has a genuine ‘girl next door’ quality,” he said in a press release. “But she also happens to be very hot.”

Sadly, he wasn’t able to convince her to pose nude in the mag. Because that would have been degrading…

[Via Jezebel, via People]

Parasite “Turns Women Into Sex Kittens” (Is This Why I’m Posting Kitten Videos?)

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:36:00 GMT

I’ve been trying to think of an excuse to post funny kitten videos (above, "kitten surprise"! Wait for it...). But I couldn’t justify releasing my inner-crazy cat lady, willy-nilly. Thank God for the news, and Australians: “Parasite ‘turns women into sex kittens’.”

Want to know what it does to men?

(As well as: video of kittens on a treadmill, and their sadistic, brilliant owners.)

About 40 per cent of the world's population is infected with Toxoplasma gondii, including about eight million Australians.

Human infection generally occurs when people eat raw or undercooked meat that has cysts containing the parasite, or accidentally ingest some of the parasite's eggs excreted by an infected cat.

The parasite is known to be dangerous to pregnant women as it can cause disability or abortion of the unborn child, and can also kill people whose immune systems are weakened.

Until recently it was thought to be an insignificant disease in healthy people, Sydney University of Technology infectious disease researcher Nicky Boulter said, but new research has revealed its mind-altering properties.

"Interestingly, the effect of infection is different between men and women,'' Dr Boulter writes in the latest issue of Australasian Science magazine.

"Infected men have lower IQs, achieve a lower level of education and have shorter attention spans. They are also more likely to break rules and take risks, be more independent, more anti-social, suspicious, jealous and morose, and are deemed less attractive to women.

"On the other hand, infected women tend to be more outgoing, friendly, more promiscuous, and are considered more attractive to men compared with non-infected controls.

"In short, it can make men behave like alley cats and women behave like sex kittens''.
[news.com.au]

Watch their tails. Big, freaked out cat tails. Love it.

Nerve Dating Confession of the Day, 5.12.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:39:00 GMT

Today’s confession of choice is not too hot and not too cold. Even if he wasn’t feeling it, we think it’s just right. Have you ever turned down (or been turned down) when requesting something new? Tell us a story in the Nerve Dating Confessions...

From the Archives: I Did It For Science: Injaculation

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:34:00 GMT

In this I Did It For Science report, British hottie Grant Stoddard enlists a buddy to help him achieve injaculation, aka “enlightened consciousness through orgasm without the expulsion of seminal fluid, vis-â-vis strategic pressure on the perineum.” "Huh?" you say? Okay, here's what it means:

“A couple of minutes in and fast approaching the point of no return, I located what Taoist's refer to as the 'million-dollar point,' the spot nestled between a gentleman's love spuds and his rusty bullet hole. I pressed hard and felt a strong, constant pulse on my perineum. Just before orgasm, the pulse became arrhythmic, then graduated to a panicked pounding, like a palpitating elk heart betwixt my legs. Trying to really concentrate on the feeling was extremely difficult. I was just hoping that I survived long enough to give the scientific community my theory on why people spontaneously combust.

Then, immediately prior to the moment where I'd typically soil the bed linen, I saw for a brief second what all those pony tailed forty-somethings had been proselytizing about. The build-up to orgasm was momentarily more intense than usual, but the feeling soon vanished as quickly as it had arrived. I continued to press hard for a minute or two, concentrating on the subsidence of pressure in my rig. I withdrew my fingers from my undercarriage and propped myself up on my shoulders, disturbed and underwhelmed by the whole ordeal.”

Read more about Grant’s self-experimentation, as well as how his friend Brian’s experiences. Anyone out there an injaculation fan?

From the Archives: Your Mother Was A Fish

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:14:00 GMT

A word of warning: this Sunday, May 11, is Mother’s Day. Buy a Hallmark Card, dammit! Or, if you and your mother have a special sort of relationship, I guess you could share these stories with her…

A.M. Homes’ tells the mother of all tales:

“She had a dressmaker split the center seam, separating her so she could walk, and went through life with her legs covered in thick green scales, a brocade, fossilized by the sea into leathery chaps like a cowboy would wear. Men found her scales incredibly attractive; it was considered good luck to rub her thighs. They all wanted only one thing, to get into the space between the scales, the alligator purse that had been perfectly protected. The sweat of their palms stung her skin; she found them repulsive.

She moved to Massachusetts and took a part time job doing women's work sewing tassels on loafers in a shoe factory.”

...read “Your Mother Was a Fish” in its entirety, here.

You’re more into poetry, you say? Check out “My Mother’s Penis” by Carissa Neff. Don’t forget the batteries!

And if you love funny-sad, smart-sexy-strange (who doesn’t?) check out Lisa Carver’s personal essay, “All About My Mother.”

And The Modern Materialist brings you a scary way to put the disembodied voice of your mother inside your refrigerator…

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.8.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:39:00 GMT

We’re having a debate here in the Nerve offices: do the people (i.e. you) want to see (tastefully, artistic) sexxxy nude pics of UPS delivery workers? Does a man (or women) in uniform turn you on? Looks like we’ve got one yes vote. Seriously: does a uniform up the snoggability factor? Why did I just use the word “snog”? Check out this, and so many other, more interesting questions, at the Nerve Dating Confessions.

New on Nerve, 5.8.08: Dating Advice From…Foreign-Exchange Students

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:45:00 GMT

Today’s Dating Advice From… offers some seriously good tips. With helpful hints on the transitory nature of love, seduction, and smoking up…you know you want to read it:

I met a guy who hardly speaks any English, and I don't speak his language at all. We've gone on a few dates together and had a great time anyway. Can this possibly last?
It won't last. But continue dating him and take advantage of the positives — enjoy your time with him, get into his native culture and pick up some of his language. All the English I know, I learned from the hot girls.

Lo amate? Check out the bello advice, right here.

In Other Blogs, 5.7.08: Scanner Helps You Over Hump Day

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Wow, the Scanner crew knows how to pick ‘em. Today they ask Who Would You Rather: R. Kelly or the Maytag Repairman? I bet you can guess who’s winning…Also helping you get over the Hump Day:

Penis Camouflage: Fun for the Whole Family.
The Spears Family: not so fun.
The Weather Channel wants to lick your swizzle stick, fire your ass if you say “no.”
Wardrobe Malfunction: Did totally classy actress Natasha Richardson really forget to wear panties?
Time Out New York shows real New Yorkers, really naked. For once, we’d rather have seen Julia Allison.
This carrot needs pants! (Thanks commentator “HOLY MACKEREL!”)
Video of Arizona State University’s drunken “Undie Run”: we can smell the Axe Body Spray from here.
“An Australian man was acquitted of forcing vampire sex on a 16-year-old girl who claims he stalked her for years”…I’m sorry. Wait. Vampire sex?

All this and so much more…over at your daily Scanner.

Who’s the Sexiest Flight of the Conchords Star?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 15:32:00 GMT

To vote, click on the name you love the most…

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.6.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 06 May 2008 19:51:00 GMT

This one scores points for poetry…and damn if the weather isn’t sunny, gorgeous, and perfect for floating pheromones here in New York, as well. Is anyone else finding themselves suddenly frisky? Let us know in the Nerve Dating Confessions...

From the Archives: I Did It For Science: Ladies Night

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:08:00 GMT

Before Rev. Jen Miller did it for science…Grant Stoddard did it. A lot. For this experiment, he stripped down and manned up…and gave it his pole-shimmying, lap-dancing all for Ladies Night. The picture above isn’t Grant, but read the entire piece to see him for real…

New on Nerve, 5.6.08: “Seeking Aylum” By Rev. Jen Miller

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 06 May 2008 15:24:00 GMT

Reverend Jen is back! If you haven’t had the extreme pleasure, you can get to know her here. Or, just read today’s personal essay, in which the good Reverend recounts how a broken heart led to panic attacks, which led to her trying to find free therapy. Those ads in the back of The Village Voice always help.

But first came the sex. And then the heartbreak:
"It's not about you" is code for, "It is about you." It's code for, "Can we still be friends because I don't think I EVER WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AGAIN." It's code for, "Remember that awesome blowjob you gave me last week? I don't want one of those EVER AGAIN." It's code for, "You are not good enough for me for whatever reason, so I'm throwing you out like the used condom I filled with seminal fluid after penetrating you last Tuesday."

Read the entire essay here. And for real-life pics of the sexy, elven-eared author…

Visit her website. Or, check out this sampling. Delicious, and I'm not just talking about the cupcake...

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.2.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Do we all have a little snoop dog in us? Bark, bite and tussle at the Nerve Dating Confessions.

New on Nerve, 5.2.08: The Nerve Date with Sarah

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:38:00 GMT

Let me just say that Sarah and photographer Tony Stamolis have found the most erotic use yet for pink marshmallow Peeps. I’ll leave it at that, but you’ll want to go out with Sarah, yourself. Believe me. Click here to see the entire Nerve Date. And check out a few more racy pics after the jump…

See Sarah in all her glory (yes, more glory!) here at the Nerve Date.

“Farmer” Wants a “Wife”? We Want More!

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 01 May 2008 22:07:00 GMT

What to expect from the CW’s latest international import? Farmer Wants a Wife, the Bachelor-meets-bumpkin reality dating show premiered last night, and I’ll admit my excitement was tempered by a bit of Bachelor-esque ennui. Yes, I religiously watch everything from America’s Next Top Model to Supernanny (love Jo!). But the one “reality” show I stopped watching years ago was The Bachelor. (It just hasn’t been the same since Jerry O’Connell’s brother handed out the roses.)

I expected a similar, cheesy set-up from Farmer Wants a Wife: a vaguely sexy Farmer-hero (check); a bevy of cute-to-psychotic amorous ladies (check); a farm (check) and a ridiculous goodbye-ceremony (holy hen cages, double-check with a gold star!). We even get some local color, when a diner patron tells the cameras, “I think city girls are wild up front. Country girls are wild in the back.” Yee-haw!

I did not expect to be charmed by the ladies. The show begins with Matt, aka The Farmer, a 29-year-old college grad and grain farmer in Portage Des Sioux, Missouri. With his bristle-brush blond hair, six-pack abs and entirely non-Farmer’s-tan tan, he’s not bad on the eyes. He says he’s willing to do the show because, despite his abs, wifely pickings are slim in a town with a population of 351 people.

I don’t know if I totally buy that he rides his tractor shirtless 24-7, but his grand half-naked entrance made all the ladies swoon. (That, or the heat.)

The young ladies, who range in age, hometowns, and heel heights, are all city-dwellers who say chivalry in the city is dead. Living in New York, it’s hard not to feel empathetic – though don’t we all think the grass is greener on the other side of the Hudson? My friends in San Francisco envy my friends in Ohio who envy my friends in D.C. who think the Chicago girls have it easy, who then say New York is where the men must be…It’s easy to understand why a girl might finally say, “I give up! I will gladly huck and muck and milk cows for the rest of my life, if I can also find true love.” I’m sure being on the TV show didn’t hurt, but still…

The girls are flown in small planes to a rural airstrip, where they totter around in ridiculous heels and glare silently at each other, and the expansive, prairie landscape. They’re driven, via schoolbus, to a borrowed farmstead where we first see the Farmer…shirtless, tan, serious and chivalrous, racing his tractor towards them. And that is truly when the girls lose their shit. He carries one off the bus and she nearly swoons. Brooke, 23 and from Texas, is basically in love by the end of the show. Kanisha, or KJ, 25 and from California says, “When I look in his eyes I travel out to space.”

The girls’ first challenge is to catch and cage chickens, which somehow seems easier than the evil masterminds behind the show probably had hoped. There are no cat fights in dirt clouds, though we do see an abundance of Daisy Dukes. L.A. girl Stephanie, 23, is the only girl who steps in cow shit. She’s also the only girl who is terrified of chickens: “Oh my god. I’ve never a seen a chicken. I’m afraid of them like pecking my eyes out. Because…I want to see. And I like seeing things. And I definitely need my eyes!”

True dat.

Kanisha wins immunity, and then the Matt takes the girls on a hayride…where they actually seem to talk. And listen to each other. It was like the reality universe had turned upon itself, and I couldn’t tell up from down from east from west. Did everyone like each other? Did everyone except Stephanie not mind the hay ride? Would someone actually find love? And then Josie started talking.

We’d already been introduced to the 25-year-old from Laguna Niguel, California (“My name is Josie. I think of myself as a ten-plus. That’s part of being Republican.”). But on the hay ride she lets it all loose, and the girls find a common enemy. (And my reality show-equilibrium returns!):

“I am a winner and I think like a winner, like George Bush says. I’m a goal-digger, G-O-A-L. I think that world might be coming to an end. And the Jews, the Christians, and the Catholics, we all are one and we have to stick together and fight.”

And speaking of fighting, “I fight for men like they do in the Middle East. Before somebody blows me up, I blow them up.” She is either an actress of the highest caliber, or a completely delusional young woman. Either way, you know the producers are keeping her around.

The one person I don’t buy in all of this is the Farmer himself. Matt comes off as the Ryan Seacrest of farmers. He’s too slick; he doesn’t stutter when he speaks; and he seems completely at ease hosting this gaggle of girls while the cameras run. (Also, he repeatedly says, “Let’s roll.”) Maybe it’s because he’s dreamed of such an opportunity for so long (word on the street is he previously had applied to be a contestant on The Bachelor). But he came off as eerily camera-ready. And not that interested in the girls.

Maybe it was just nerves. On his private date with Christa, he hand-made her mint juleps and they then sat on a swing and …talked? Christa giggled at every word he said, and obviously wanted to suck face. He gently pecked her. I didn’t know straight dudes who weren’t Southern or metrosexual hand-crushed fresh mint. Or maybe I’ve been citified so long I don’t recognize chivalry when it refuses to make out with my drunk ass, and then walks me to my doorstep.

By now I was snoozing through the show (virgins toilet paper a truck, fights break out, etc.), but then came the Goodbye Ceremony! Oh lord, the complicated goodbye ceremony! First the girls were instructed to stand by posts, upon which chickens in cages were perched. Then Matt went around to remove all the cages (thankfully, this process was edited out). Then the girls had to lift their chickens, root around in the nest, and find an egg. No egg? You’re out!

Stephanie was booted. As Matt said, “Miss Stephanie had a lot of City in her.” The eye-rolling that resulted from Josie staying on the show could have powered a farmhouse’s generator…but surprisingly, Matt said he had a good reason to keep Josie around. No, he didn’t want to sleep with her. But she did bring out other sides of the girls that he wouldn’t have otherwise seen. That, and there is no way the producers are letting her go so easily.

Until next time, let’s roll (in the hay)!

New on Nerve, 5.1.08: Dating Advice From…Miss High Times Contestants

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 01 May 2008 16:53:00 GMT

Each year, using a rigorous selection process that involves photo shoots, interviews and talent competitions, the marijuana-smoker's bible picks one young lady to grace the cover of their annual swimsuit issue as Miss High Times. Nerve asked four of this year's entrants for their advice on sex, dating and relationships.

My girlfriend says pot increases her enjoyment of sex, and she wants to smoke up every time. Should I be concerned?
You should be concerned because this will probably make your dates more expensive. But that's about the only concern I can think of.

Say it hurts my feelings that I can't satisfy her without chemical aid.
I would say tough titty.

Read all the ladies’ advice right here.

New on Nerve, 4.30.08: Sex and Dating Advice from Miss Information

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Do you ever find yourself in this situation?

Dear Miss Information,
I'm a bisexual girl who badly needs pornography. I need to find out how to get it without having to pay for it or contracting nasty diseases on my computer. Finding pictures and videos of penises entering vaginas is easy, but finding hot girl-on-girl stuff is really hard. My definition of hot girl-on-girl does not include tweaked-out bleached-blonde leather-skinned skinny girls sucking on dildos or looking at the camera while fingering each other with talon-like nails. Call me naive, but is there any porn or soft porn where the girls might legitimately appear attracted to other girls? I've tried to talk to male friends who know the ins and outs (so to speak) of porn, but their eyes just sort of glaze over and we end up watching the girl-on-girl I described above. Please help! — Really Need Real XXX

Where to find “real porn”? Check out Miss Info’s answers to this, and so much more, in this week’s titillating, totally real column.

From the Archives: The Lengths of My Deception, by Craig Davidson

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 15:39:00 GMT

Oh, lying – whether you consider it an art form or just a weekend hobby, these little fictions make up a surprisingly large part of interpersonal communication. They’re accepted, they’ll never really have the chance to be questioned. I exist, comfortable in the knowledge that if I stretch. But when it comes to fabrications, you’re bound to be found out. I learned that lesson when I started wearing padded bras. Anatomy is a hard lie to fake – you can finagle your way around it, keep the lights low and the hands strategically placed, but sooner or later, my lack of boobage always came to light – I mean, really, who did I think I was kidding?

Craig Davidson, first man ever to lie about the length of his member, wrote this sly essay for Nerve’s Secrets & Lies Issue about compulsive lying, the importance of honesty, and what happens when you’re less than truthful about your peen.

The evening progressed, as did our drunkenness. We ended up at her place. R. fixed some drinks and we drank them and found ourselves making out on the sofa.

I realized my mistake: I'd told a lie that, if events advanced down their natural line, stood a 100% chance of discovery. It was like telling a podiatrist I had twelve toes before taking my socks off — an expectation I could not possibly fulfill.

Dating Confession of the Day, 4.28.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:02:00 GMT

Ok, now I want to know how to say “ride your face” in German. Anyone? Anyone? Give us some Teutonic lessons in the Nerve Dating Confessions.

New on Nerve, 4.24.08: Revenge of the Nerds — The Ten Sexiest Guy Geeks in Cinema

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 21:59:00 GMT

Last week, Screengrab celebrated the 10 Sexiest Girl Geeks in Cinema...and now, in tribute to the return of that dreamy Professor Henry Jones, Jr. (in the hotly anticipated Kingdom of the Crystal Skull), the Screengrabbers present their equal-opportunity list of ten hot nerdy guys.

As with the previous list, most of these so-called nerds, geeks, dorks and maxi-zoom dweebies are played by actors who, in real life, are pretty easy on the eyes. But their characters, at least, are misfits and loners, undervalued diamonds in the rough just waiting to be discovered by some lucky, sharp-eyed lady (or gentleman).

Why lucky? Because as Robert Carradine’s Louis Skolnick says in Revenge of the Nerds (and as we at The Screengrab know oh so well): “Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex.”

Watch ‘em in action, in Part 1 and Part 2.

New on Nerve, 4.24.08: Dating Advice From…Medieval Historians

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:21:00 GMT

Need some advice for getting medieval on someone’s ass? (I couldn’t resist; sorry.) Do chicks in horned Viking helmets get you hot? Either way, you’ll want to check out Dating Advice From…Medieval Historians:

I like to watch the History Channel, but the guy I'm dating just wants to watch things like Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I can't help but judge him for this. Does this make me a snob? How can I overcome this?
In regards to your question, "Am I a snob?" I'm going to respond with a resounding "yes." You need to bridge the gap — spend time watching both sets of your programs together and addressing both the positive and negative qualities in them. You can rip apart My Super Sweet Sixteen, but also contextualize the program as a response to the demands of hyper-consumptive, twenty-first century industrialized American society.

What's the best way to impress a medievalist?
Bust out some mad Latin skills.

Carpe diem, baby. See all their advice here