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Oh, the things you'll learn!

We found out about VHS tapes, great dive bars, porn on Wikipedia, Obama girl's new crush, Google Maps of sexual conquests, Minnie Driver's baby daddy's identity and oh, so much more...

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Facebook is causing all sort of problems in England: first, a bunch of crazy water-fight participants destroyed a famous garden; more importantly, an ex-girlfriend broke into her guy's account and wrote all about his douchebaggery. 

Liv Tyler is getting divorced. Liv, you can message us through Facebook anytime. 

The McGreevey's finally settled their custody battle. We'll resist the temptation to make any jokes about their multiple fathers, orgies, sex with staff members, and any other crimes we've already covered exhaustively. 

Heather Mills is going to pursue a spot on "Celebrity: Apprentice." We've never so badly wanted a show to get canceled... 

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Did you guys know that Wil Wheaton has a groovy and unsurprisingly well-written blog? (Full disclosure: Stand By Me is the greatest movie ever made.) Many people of all sorts of unknown backgrounds are aware of and have read this excellent blog. However, Wil Wheaton has made a grand faux pas that his readers may never forgive: reiterating some nasty rumors about Hillary Clinton.

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Third nipples, as we learned yesterday, afflict 1/18th of the population. So, who is the man behind the three nipples before you? Who is this unsung hero of the third nipple pride movement? You've probably been tossing and turning all night in anticipation.  Have no Fear-- you'll find out after the jump. 

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Yuck. These pics of Eva Mendes from Italian Vogue -- we're thinking they're actually from the same shoot that Scanner Brian mentioned earlier today -- make us feel like we've walked into a John Waters-art directed acid trip. Actually, Eva's reminding us of someone here... who could it be...

(Click through for the answer -- and a bit more nudity, if you're not bored by that sort of thing yet.)

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Tina Turner has still got it and she's still simply the best. She's also out.

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Thank God, these are so NSFW it's not even funny...

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Like this classic scene from Mary Harron's film adaptation of American Psycho? Well, haven't you always thought how much better it would have been with some good ol' fashioned cock and balls?

(We'd complain about not being able to embed the video on our site, but frankly, we think it's us -- and it's not like they didn't create the goddamn thing in the first place.)

Hardly Working: American Psychos [CollegeHumor]

They aren't necessarily sexual, but man -- how intimate are these studies of patrons of the Paris Opera House? Photographer Bill Henson took them in the early '90's; we came across them this week after a former Nerve photo editor blogged about them. Don't you feel all, like, whispery and clandestine just looking at them?

Click through for a few of our faves from the series.

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You can't say we didn't try and warn you on this one, like, months ago, but according to every single report we've seen, advance word on the new Indiana Jones movie is uniformly bad. The latest pan from Ain't It Cool News actually even begins with the sentence that any Indy fan was hoping not to hear:

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We go apeshit for sex education PSAs that personify condoms. But this video has singing and dancing too!

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Sorry, folks, but Scanner Emily will be MIA today.

Scanner Emily is staying away from the scary internets so she can relax... on her birthday!

Let's all sign a great big birthday card for her... with your comments in the comments section. (P.S. Comments on her good looks will not be blocked.)

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That is all. Happy Friday.  

[via] 

Yeah... um... if we blink, we don't have to, like, turn away, right?

Not to brag, but I, Scanner Katie, TOTALLY saw this one coming when I broke the McCain's Pastor Says Homos May Not Be Responsible For Katrina story. The media is now saying that John Hagee, McCain's spiritual adviser, has retracted his retraction of his "gays caused Katrina" statement. But you can't retract a retraction you haven't made in the first place.

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We have seen and heard a lot here at Scanner, and a lot of what we've seen and heard has made us very nauseous. The most recent weirdo sex thing to bring up our lunch is the Love Bugz website and mail order pubic lice delivery service.

Yes, that's correct, the site claims to be selling pubic lice through the mail to people who really want giant insects crawling through their nethers.

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It blows our mind that a guy whose records have always seemed so homemade would release his long-awaited archives on Blu-Ray, packing the release with crazy interactive menus and video, as this clip demonstrates. We're not complaining, y'understand. It ain't like we'll need a mind to put this shit in our Christmas wish list.

[via Rolling Stone] 

Man, were we bummed when on last week's 30 Rock, they didn't give a single mention to that porn video game that Tracy Jordan was designing the week before. But hooray! On last night's season finale, it was back in a big way! (We'll not spoil it here; just do yrself a favor and watch the ep).

Will this storyline continue into next year? Will Tracy and Frank's Amadeus-style rivalry return? Will 30 Rock continue to be the single most redeeming creation of mankind's short existence on this planet? YES, GODDAMNIT IT WILL! TINA FEY, GIVE US SOME FREAKING HOPE WHILE WE'RE STUCK IN YET ANOTHER REALITY TV SUMMER!!! 

Whenever we take a friend (sexy or not) back to our hometown, a stroll around the old neighborhood rapidly devolves into a tour of who we had fumbling awkward makeouts with and where. The garages, the playgrounds, the convenience store bathrooms, we could practically draw you a map. 

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Ok, we can almost guarantee that R. Kelly will have a worse day than you, because after six long years of putting it off for this reason or that closet, his child pornography trial will supposedly begin today, as scheduled. But would you believe us if we told you he tried to delay it, yet again?

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Does the King of All Media owe Southington, CN second-grade teacher Marie Jarry anything after publishing photos of her participating in an on-the-air "Ugliest Guy, Hottest Wife" contest -- which then got her fired? We kind of don't think so. She already won five grand, first off. Second off, she probably signed something that said "Pictures of you WILL be put on HowardStern.com," right? Third... what? Like, no one was supposed to know? He's not the KING OF SOME MEDIA! It's ALL MEDIA! Someone. Will. Find out.

The best way to get a job in this economy? Start a website about how much you suck. [AdRants] 

Whoopi Goldberg will host the 2008 Tony's. [Yahoo!] 

George Clooney and his lady friend love Rock of Love. [Us]

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Today Scanner Katie got an interesting third-nipple related e-mail from Ideal Bite, a site which calls itself "a sassier shade of green" and offers tips on how to make your life greener.

Can you name the hunk rocking the third nipple to the right? And just how common are third nipples? We'll tell you after the jump.

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This is Melanie Roach. She is incredible. More specifically... 

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Let us rephrase: leaving thoughtful, civil comments will get you laid. Leaving mean, nasty comments will get you an STD. OK, while we have no proof to back any of this up, we believe it to be true. And we want to hear from you. We know there are a lot more people reading this here blog than commenting on it. So speak up.  

Here's a hint, it looks delicious.

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