A few weeks ago, we got an email from a sex-toy company. It said, “Do you want to review a sex toy?” We said yes. Immediately. About a week later, a package arrived, and we thought, “Wow, great, our new IKEA furniture is here.” But no. It was a Hitachi Magic Wand and a remote controller from Extreme Restraints. The Hitachi Magic Wand was once described to us by a dear friend as the “Cadillac of vibrators.” By comparison, our actual vibrator, a $13 pocket rocket, is the Big Wheel of vibrators. But look, we’re open to new things.

So we set up this intimidating ensemble in our bedroom (pictured, though the flower and the stuffed sheep are not included), and honestly? It looks like we’re about to do karaoke. And so we do a little karaoke, just for shits and giggles. We sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” (Obviously.) And then we plug all this shit in, and we realize that it doesn’t reach our bed. So we make a little camp on the floor, an orgasm camp, and we lie down and place this bad boy between our now-bare legs.

And we are laughing. We are laughing so hard that it is nearly impossible to even think about placing anything on our clitoris, far less something that is cushioned like a boxing glove or a car seat. Trying to get ourselves off with the Hitachi Magic Wand is like starting a date with a rimjob. Suddenly we want flowers, and a shrimp dinner. Hitachi Magic Wand, will you just, like, cuddle with us for a bit? So but whatever. We use it. It works. We come, kind of hard, but the thing is that it’s almost difficult to feel this, because the vibrations are so incredibly strong. And then we realize, fucks, we were supposed to be reviewing the remote controller thingy, not the stupid vibrator. So we try to figure this out, the plug has to be kind of jammed in, and then it’s like, WHOA, wait a minute. How can you even USE a remote controller with a vibrator, especially one that’s as big as living room furniture? And now the vibrator is buzzing around the floor like a garden hose, and we have our pants off, and we’re laughing hysterically.

Obviously, this will require more research.