Confession time, kids. We... OK, I... have been thinking about doing an "I Hate Myself For Loving You" about Kim Kardashian. But you know what my problem is with that? I'm totally proud of thinking she's hot. Granted, it's unclear what she ever did to deserve the modicum of basic-cable fame that she has carved out for herself, other than be born rich and cute and sign a porn waiver. And yeah, maybe the porn in question was deeply, unrelentingly boring. Perhaps you even think Keeping Up With the Kardashians is a spectacle of privileged, banal self absorption? (I wouldn't know. No girl's worth watching reality TV. I learned that ages ago.)

But you know what? None of that matters. Just look at her! She's a fine fine woman! If she were to bring them big, round eyes/lips/boobs/buns into the same elevator as you or me, no matter we thought of her career, we'd still be shaking in our shoes the whole ride up, going "Damn, Moesha's brother ain't having it that good ever again!"

But wouldn't you know: here comes Britney Spears wanting to ruin everything.

When asked which celebrity she would most like to have sex with, Britney reportedly said: "I really love Kim's butt, skin and hair. Kim is a real woman. She is a real horny beast."

[...]

A source said: "She was so graphic. It's funny to hear America's pop darling get so dirty."

Gross! I'm guessing Kimmy's too ambitious (and, most likely, straight) to go for it, which is a relief. Because though I'd normally volunteer to be a human shield for La Kim K, even I know I'd be no match for a horny, boozed up Brit.