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Hey, did you guys check out the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night? We sure did. It was OMG awesome! There were performances by Seal and the Spice Girls, ridiculous angel wings, a brief sojourn into reality tv, and like 5 kinds of cleavage. Plus we learned a lot about the VS girls -- and about ourselves. Was it "The Sexiest Night on TV"? Click through for our minute-by-minute recap!

10:01 PM -- Sorry, but there's something deeply wrong with this comedy intro about Heidi Klum getting in shape for the show. Are they trying to make us believe that Klum lives in the suburbs?

10:02 -- Hey, it's TV's Puddy! Any party with Seal and Puddy is gonna be fantastic. Hey, "Seal and Puddy"? They should solve crimes together. I bet they'd get in some sticky situations! Ha ha ha ha kill us now.

10:03 -- Who's that guy performing? Is that will.i.am? Yes, it is. Not that anyone here cares, they're all watching the girls. Does the genius behind "Let's Get Retarded" have any self-respect? We hope not, because otherwise we might mistake his defeated delivery here as making him will.i.kill.myself.later.

10:04 -- OK, we don't care how gay Neil Patrick Harris is in real life: he's kind of watching the show like a straight man. Maybe he's in character?

10:05 -- Hey, look at this: little bios of the ladies whose cleavage we will be Googling tomorrow! VS Model Izabel was discovered at 14 years old. She likes basketball and cooking and hanging out on the beach and diabetes. Oh, sorry -- she works to end diabetes, which we think means she doesn't like it after all. "My life is perfect," she says.

10:06 -- Spice Girls, people!!! The Spice Girls are performing later on! We totally forgot they were doing this! Our life is perfect now, too!

10:10 -- Host Heidi Klum celebrates her 10th year with Victoria's Secret with a short film documenting the many ways she's become our favorite model/mom/German in the world. Oh, look at how young and adorable and freaking hot she's been throughout the years! Oh, wait -- there is one thing that's missing from this video.

10:13 -- We're back to showing off the clothes now, and you know, with all the girls sashaying around and the semi-hard rock and roll, this is starting to feel like an episode of CSI: Miami. OMG look, there's Delco from TV's CSI: Miami! It is an episode of CSI:Miami! Omigod, which model is gonna get killed? Please don't let it be Heidi! We need Seal to be uplifiting tonight!

10:14 -- Dean Cain could totally play Elvis. You know which kind.

10:14 -- What is with all the girls wearing wings? Seriously, does that do anything for you guys out there? Ladies, would you feel sexier wearing 9-feet-wide diamelle-encrusted angel wings? What's next, the VS girls driving out in an art car?

10:15 -- VS Model Karolina's nickname is "Koka Kola"? That's actually a great nickname. Better than ours, anyway. We hate being called "Fresca."

10:16 -- OK, second Victoria's Secret question: what is with the word "Pink" getting plastered all over VS clothes? I mean, isn't that like having the word "meat" scrawled on tighty whiteys. Oh, ok; we'd totally buy those. Never mind.

10:17 -- One lucky civilian girl is going to be chosen to walk with the VS girls in the fashion show? Omigod, this is turning into America's Next Top Model! How could Heidi let this happen? Shouldn't the girls be forced to create their own stupid angel wings out of a pizza box and potted vine or something?

10:21 -- You know, when we walked out of Transformers this summer, we couldn't look at any cars outside the theater without expecting them to change into a robot and start destroying buildings. I think that's sort of similar to how we were just watching a commercial for animated holiday favorite Frosty the Snowman, featuring the scene where he's leading the kids through town, and honestly: we expected him to strip off his clothes and strut his icy ass right up to that traffic cop. Cripes, it'd better be the same thing as when we saw Transformers.

10:24 -- Katy, the lucky girl who was picked from all the other civilian girls to walk in the show, is wearing what looks like skanky 70's circus clothes. Guess they're letting her walk in some sort of themed collection? Presumably this will be the crummiest presentation of the evening, but some other model we think is named Rosie says "I'm so excited." Rosie is dressed unmistakably in cowgirl clothes. "I'm a cowgirl!" she says. Thanks, Rosie!

10:25 -- VS Model Miranda might be our favorite new VS girl. Why is that? Is it her adorable Australian accent? Hey, what happened to our old favorite non-Klum-VS girl, Gisele? Maybe they wanted to pay her in dollars?

10:26 -- Hey, where's Alessandra too?

10:27 -- Katy does her walk in front of everyone and just owns it! Way to go Katy! That sassy guy from CSI:NY found it arousing, we think. Either that or his phone was ringing. In his balls! You hear that, Katy? Get some CSI action; you're swimming in it, after all.

10:28 -- Seal is wearing a white suit with so many sparkly things bedazzled onto it that he looks like he's being thrown into a windshield by a disco ball. He's dazzling us so much we can't concentrate on his uplifiting music. Curse you, bedazzled Seal!

10:29 -- Heidi's "singing" with Seal now? Is there anything she doesn't have her claws in on this show?

10:31 -- VS Model Selita! How adorable is she? Her nickname is "Silly"! We love her. We remember the first time we saw her, in the late great Jane Magazine, and we loved her from the first. Is she still dating Nick Cannon? We sure hate you, Nick Cannon!

10:32 -- More Spice Girls! They sure seem like a barrel of monkeys. We'd love to be hanging out with the Spice Girls. They seem like real people, don't they? Hey, how many of them had sex with Simon Cowell again?

10:38 -- VS Model Mar-ee-sa? Is that how you say Marisa Miller's name? We read somewhere that Mar-ee-sa's first modeling gig was in Perfect 10 magazine, which we won't fully believe until someone gets us actual physical proof, preferably in mint or near mint condition. Bravo, Mar-ee-sa, for proving that doing smut doesn't have to be the kiss of death that everyone says it is!

10:39 -- VS Model Alessandra, finally! Has she been hiding out? Are we just not noticing her in stuff? Are we distracted by NPH?

10:40 -- Ryan Seacrest looks unconfortable. Those wings that all the girls are wearing look uncomfortable. Mar-ee-sa looks like she just rolled out of bed looking amazing and is debating whether to brush her teeth or make tea. She must have never had an ugly day in her life. Oh, sometimes, we really really want to be a hot girl.

10:41 -- Alessandra has a checkerboard-y skirt type thing on. And holy smoke -- she sounds like Grace Jones! Or a foreign Dr. Girlfriend. Oh... foreign Dr. Girlfriend...

10:43 -- Heidi says "If the names Dali, Man Ray and Magritte mean anything to you, than this next collection may mean something to you." Or something. And then: Huh? It's lingerie models wearing dada-ish inflected clothes, walking in front of big black and white swirls to an Apollo 440 song that we heard in, like, a thousand commercials in the year 2000. What? Is this a thing that's actually happening? Or did some old ecstacy from the fatty deposits in our stomach lining just pop open?

10:46 -- The Spice Girls are excited! They're wearing saucy retro stewardess uniforms, so frankly we're excited too. It's a great look, even if they did crib it from Goldfrapp.

10:46 -- Hey, the first thing we see after someone announcing the Spice Girls finally taking the stage is some guy doing a headspin. No fair, Victoria's Secret! Spice must flow! (Oh man, it must have been some E.)

10:47 -- This is like the sluttiest USO show ever! Big ups from the crowd when Posh takes the mike, even though it's pretty obvious that Mel C is the only one of the Spices actually singing. (Guess some things never change.) Seriously, we've asked this before, but if Posh is really the most popular Spice Girl today what does that say about the world? She used to be, like, Alan Andrew Fletcher in Depeche Mode: no one could figure out what she actually did other than just stand there. And now? She's in the captain's seat.

10:48 -- Oh, strike that: Mel C is leading the girls in a big, climactic formation. She's great, seriously. Isn't she the one that supposedly put out the only good post-Spice album? Baby Spice looks totally bored. Maybe it's the lyrics: "Do do do do. Do do do do. Always be together. Ba ba ba ba. Ba ba ba ba. Stay that way forever." Clearly that's in fact what happened.

10:53 -- Best line of the evening: an announcer going "She's got vintage baubles on, Miranda." Followed by Miranda, who is in fact wearing Christmas tree decorations, coquettishly saying "You can hang me on your tree if you like." Which for anyone from the South is a distressing thing to hear. Way to kill the moment, Miranda!

10:54 -- Seal's back, and he wants us to "always feel amazing." Well, how could we not while he's still wearing that suit? Actually, Seal is still wearing the most bedazzled suit ever, Selita is dressed as a Christmas tree, Miranda is presumably going to be attempting to hang herself from Selita, a red-clad choir is appearing out of nowhere to sing "Hallelujah" over and over, and oh, here comes another girl dressed like a 10-foot-wide stocking. Uh, it must actually be have been some Pufinstuff-level LSD that's kicking in, 'cause we are definitely having a bad trip. Could someone just show us to the chill out tent, please?

10:57 -- Hey, even Seal looks bored now too. Oh, guess he's just been singing while he waits for the Mrs. to show up. Maybe they're sharing a ride home. Oh, here she comes, dressed as a massive, switchblade-action snowflake, of course. Well, drive safe, you two!