One woman: Amy Winehouse. Two choices: spooning or sporking.

Everyone knows what “spooning” is so I need not repeat the obvious, but “sporking” is a whole other beast. Sporking is a good spooning that turns into a great porking—thus the name.

In Amy’s case, I’m just going to spoon her. It’s too hard for me to watch her smoke crack and deteriorate in front of everyone’s eyes—a sporking is the last thing she needs right now; I’ll save that for the Lindsay Lohans of the world. No, I’m offering Amy Winehouse a good old-fashioned spooning because I think it could help right now, given the recent release of her "crack smoking" video.

In my head, it goes a little something like this...

BOBBY: (Spooning Amy on a 1970’s style waterbed) Amy, are you okay? Do I need to move my arm or reposition my body to make you more comfortable?

AMY: (mostly inaudible) Gishly frosh … yoush hand… rubbish coke pot crack … naooo, put ya aaam on my tats…

BOBBY: Amy? I’m sorry, but did you want me to place my free arm on your chest? I think that’s what you just said. I don’t want to come off as being too forward or anything…

AMY: My tats… tickle my tats…

BOBBY: I think this is pushing the spooning envelope a bit too much-—maybe I should just poke them a couple times.

Just as I am about to touch one of her tattoos, Amy grabs a crack pipe from the night table and smashes it into pieces on my forehead. Glass goes everywhere, but surprisingly doesn’t break my skin.

AMY: I’m sickof… that shit… done.  Never again…

She has a sweet little smile on her face and gains 20 pounds. The spooning worked!

BOBBY: (whispering into her ear) Way to go, Amy. You made the right choice… Now lets continue poking your tats so you can get some sleep.

And that’s exactly what I did as the waterbed slowly leaked onto the floor.

If it were only that easy…

[Image via]