Ron Jeremy and Vivid Video Are Out to Destroy YouPorn

Posted by Bryan Christian


Hey everybody, close your eyes and pretend it's 1999. Are you there yet? Has your computer turned into an iBook and does every commercial on TV have Moby in it? Good. Now, Google up something about... er, wait, sorry, um... go to AltaVista and see what Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich says about Napster. He doesn't like it, huh? He wants it destroyed, you say? Well, now, snap your fingers and come back to 2008! Blammo, you're back. Great. Remind us to tell you about what Hillary's up to later.

In the meantime, remember what you read about Lars Ulrich? Well, change "former metal God and current douchebag" with "porn veteran and Mario lookalike" and "music downloading" with "free porn streaming" and you might be able to guess why that unwieldy trip through time was necessary. (Or not.)

Quoth the master:

"What harms the industry is the Internet. Before it was helpful. Every company had its own website. Now you have things like YouPorn and PornTube that show full-length features of Vivid's movies. Who the f--- do they think they are? Now Vivid is suing them. You wouldn't see YouTube play a full-length feature of a Steven Spielberg film. But they think that it's just porn so they can get away with it. So now Vivid is striking back. Piracy is piracy, whether the film is PG, R or X. We deserve the same respect."

And to that end, Mr.  Jeremy has endorsed Vivid Video's pledge to sue the pants off anyone who's caught streaming Vivid products without consent. (What they plan to do with pants we're not sure.)

Boy, hell hath no fury like a hedgehog scorned, huh? Now, we all know that he and Vivid are basically doomed to failure on this one, right? Maybe 10 years ago we thought something like this would have a shot, but now? Forget about it. Music, video, passport records -- it's all gonna be free on the web eventually. So let 'em try! What'll it harm? We'll still love you, Ron! How could we not? Jeez, have you seen the control that guy's got over his own ejaculate? It's, like, telekinetic. Mad props forever, you know? So, click on through for a reminder of the total freaking stud that Mr. Jeremy once was and will continue to be in our hearts and, most likely, our flash-enabled, no-pay browsers.

BAM! Top that! Check his shit! He's so much of a stud he's got to chain his jacket to his nipple for fear of it running off and humping someone.


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Posted Mar 21 2008, 12:39 PM
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Comments

profrobert said:

Actually, the claim does have some legs.  It's not going to destroy YouPorn, et al., but it should move them to do more screening to delete copyrighted stuff.

March 21, 2008 2:15 PM

wkiely said:

Mr.Christian, you write "Music, video, passport records -- it's all gonna be free on the web eventually." as if it were a claim to the moral high ground. so because you can get pirated content makes it all right to steal from the creator. i hope that you learn that soon you will have nothing to download as the content creators have gone elsewhere as the artistic fields aren't places where it is possible to make a living. sir, i say you are a criminal and are killing the arts.

March 21, 2008 2:37 PM

Bryan Christian said:

you mean because i invented the internet and filesharing all by myself? thanks for noticing!

March 21, 2008 2:58 PM

athrockmor said:

Thanks for the article Ron. I'd never heard of PornoTube.com or YouPorn.com. Now I have another couple FREE outlets for entertainment every now and then.

March 22, 2008 1:17 AM

About Bryan Christian

Bryan Christian has worked as a writer for Epicurious, GenArt and ID magazine; a web producer for WWD and Condé Nast; and a cameraman for his friends. He's married and lives in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

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