Police believe that "the woman who sat on the toilet for two years" may have only been there for a month. Can one's ass really become fused with the toilet in a month? Hm, we might have to try that sometime. You know, just to find out.

Herb Peterson, the man who invented the Egg McMuffin and got us through so many high school hangovers, is dead at 89. 

We're not fans of races that require the runners to wear high heels, but if you're going to enter a highly publicized high heel race, make sure you're not currently collecting worker's compensation.  

And if you're going to shoplift, don't do it in front of your kids. And if you do, try to remember to take them with you when you flee.  

A judge in Pennsylvania has ordered three Spanish speaking men to learn English or go to jail. Uh, is that illegal? 

In case you were wondering, Amy Winehouse has no immediate plans to go to rehab. Might we suggest a trip to the dermatologist? 

Carnie Wilson would like you to know she has not gained 79 pounds. She's only gained 70 pounds, thank you very much. This makes us very glad we're not famous. Nine pounds gets a news story?

And Keith Richards would like you to know that he "really has no idea" if his Rolling Stones band mate Mick Jagger and David Bowie ever "shoved it up the shitter" with each other.