It started out as a gag, a way for one anonymous man, allegedly in debt, to get back at Capitol One, but it quickly escalated into an internet sensation in Britain. The man posted the transcripts of his calls on an online forum devoted to money saving tips, where other users him on for several days. Then in March, a twist in the proceedings allowed the debtor to turn the tables on his tormentors and have the last laugh...
For the past two months, a poster under the name of "zincoxide" has been writing on the Money Saving Expert forum about his conversations with representatives of Debitas Legal Services. Debitas, which purports to be a debt collection agency although is in fact itself operated out of Capitol One, has been harassing "zincoxide" with up to 17 phone calls per day about his debt. What debt, says "Mr. X"? His card, he claims, "was used fraudulently" and he doesn't owe them a shilling. The fighting quickly turned ugly-- and off-the-wall funny, as per the below:
Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth?
Me: 25/12/00
Debitas: Sorry
Me: 25/12/00 - I am Jesus
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: That's Ok, I forgive all sins
Debitas: Is this Mr X
Me: You are speaking to Jesus
Debitas: Urm.....(hangs up)
No two calls are ever the same, nor does Mr. X/"zincoxide" ever repeat his characters, such as the old man who has lost his hearing aid:
Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth and post code?
Me: I don't really want to
Debitas: If it makes you feel any better, these details are available to the public on the electoral role
Me: Great! Why don't you confirm my details there and call me back!!
Debitas: How is that confirming your identity?
Me: Speak up
Debitas: (shouting) How is that confirming your identity?!
Me: I don't need to confirm my identity - I know who I am
Debitas: You are not helping yourself and you'll learn this in the future
Me: Oh dear - are you gonna send the boys around?
Debitas: A bailiff may be sent around
Me: Oh I hope he's the rugby type - does he have a firm bum?
Debitas: Keep your mobile on Mr X (hangs up)
Sometimes Debitas tries to call him back instantly to throw him off, but X always brings his A game. In one conversation, they ask him who he is and he replies, "the burglars." When they try to catch him faking by asking him to repeat his address, he deadpans, "I don't know, but there was a window open." The idiots amazingly continue to play along with his charades on every call. (Don't miss page 5, in which X pretends to be a Debitas operator that the Debitas rep has called by accident.)
Mr. X has tormented his equally anonymous callers by badly crooning "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"; answering under the guise of the STD helpline and inquiring as to the intensity of the caller's "burning sensation"; and forcing callers to mimic his mock-flamboyant "wassssupp" before answering any of their questions (they actually comply!) For 16 of the thread's 27 webpages, the two forces duke it out call by recorded cellphone call, until one side grudgingly admits defeat:
Debitas: Sorry sir - we are no longer dealing with this account
Me: Has it been passed on?
Debitas: The only notes I have on my screen are telling me we are no longer pursuing this debt
Me: Does that mean it's been passed back to capital one or you've sold it to someone else?
Debitas: It appears that we still have the debt but are no longer chasing payment
But Mr. X would not go gently into that good night. No, at this point, he'd gone from being upset to looking forward to their harassing calls, just so he could have a few laughs. He had to have one more, lest the whole thing ended with a whimper:
I decided that I would invoice Debitas for each call & text message
I received after asking them to reply by letter ONLY. I have charged
then £50 per call or text message and was amazed to find that it comes
to £2450!! [Ed.: Note that this is far greater than Mr. X's debt.]
[T]he invoice... [gives] them 15 days to pay - after
which time they will be charged interest at 8% per MONTH and I have
also informed them that I am prepared to pass the invoice to a debt
collection agency should they fail to pay.
Has anyone else out there turned the tables on collection agencies, telemarketers, or just your boring old neighborhood "breather"?
