Yes, we know the Onion is not a genuine source of news. However, the A.V. New York page, which has listings, interviews, and reviews is a legitimate source of information. Which is why we were puzzled by their claim to having uncovered a "tradition of playing cello topless to whales"... 

From the Onion (April 17 - 23, New York edition):

"Apparently there's a tradition of playing cello topless to whales among at least a few serious followers of the fine art of whale-song. It's probably not widespread, but it makes a lot of sense as a practice when you think about it."

-Andy Battaglia

Battaglia then goes on to announce a genuine event, the New York Public Library's symposium on whales, which took place on Saturday. But nowhere could we find any record of anyone ever playing the cello topless... to whales. Charlotte Moorman, pictured above, was famous (for about two minutes) for playing the cello topless in the City, so maybe Battaglia is confused. He certainly doesn't cite his sources-- then again, no one ever does at the Onion.

We're kidding-- although not about this story, mainly because we were looking forward to uncovering a whole host of Google Images of hot women cello players, topless, crying like Hayden Panettiere over their favorite sea creatures...