You know this guy… The sneaky mastermind in Oz, Tommy’s scrappy brother in Rescue Me, Carrie’s fuck buddy in Sex and the City, hothead detective in Law and Order: Sperm Sample Unit. Sizzle sizzle am I right? Okay, so neither of us are gay…but so what? I would still gay marry him. Here are just a few reasons:
-He looks at home in both a nice “meet-the-parents” suit and in a sweaty “park-day” tank top.
-He’s fucking hilarious in 30 Rock.
-He seems like he could give/take a punch so nobody would mess with us.
-Everyone thinks he’s totally cute and I would be so popular.
-His tattoos are not too stupid. I could live with them.
-My ex-girlfriends would totally take a shit and Dean and I could have a good old Ryan O’Reilly style diabolical chuckle about it over some whiskeys.
-He used to be a bartender and therefore is likely a very good tipper. Total deal-sealer for me.
-He seems to really love Adidas and I’ve been re-buying the same pair of Adidas shelltoes since I was 16.
-He could probably get good tickets to/not mind attending various sporting events.
-He’s always playing guys with REALLY Irish names and my last name is WAY more Irish sounding than his so it would be a perfect career move for him.
-He has a cool family. His brother Scott played his Of-Mice-and-Men-esque on-screen brother in Oz. His other brother is a poet (classy!) and his sister runs a pediatric AIDS unit. Christmas dinner would be a breeze!
-And even if he did want to kiss or something I could just pretend I was making out with any number of the sexually sexy ladies he has “been with” on and off screen. Okay, who am I kidding, I would just get stuck on Tina Fey and then we’d end up boning and it would get weird.
