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Sometimes headlines really do just write themselves: "Indiantown man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie." [Sun Sentinel]

Patrick Swayze says that contrary to news reports he's winning the fight against pancreatic cancer. To those who reported otherwise, we say nobody puts Patrick's pancreas in a corner! [Yahoo!]

Happy Britney Spears Day! Not only is she the most Googled person for four years running, it's her 27th birthday. Looks like she made it... [MollyGood]

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Meet Colleen Kane. She's going to join us here at Scanner for a while. I haven't actually met Colleen in person yet, but let me tell you why I like her.

Colleen reviewed my book for BUST. In fact, she gave it a great review. But that's not why I like her. I like her because she found me on Facebook to tell me how much she liked the book before the review ran and afterwords she emailed to apologize for an editing error. She appears to love cheese as much as I do and she's currently looking for the prefect vintage gown to get married in.

If we lived in the same city, I'd probably go all Single White Female on her. For now, I'll just have to settle for being BFFs (Blog Friends Forever).

Be nice to her.

Love,
Scanner Emily

We don't know why we're so obsessed with this video of polar bear shit (which is the equivalent of asking you to pull our finger), but we'd like to dedicate this video to the memory of Sarah Palin's bid for vice president and to Gina Gershon for reminding us that Sarah Palin thinks global warming is polar bear shit.

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And by girls we mean young ones. Or is it older women that the nine-year-old author is hoping for?

Amazon just launched a book called "How To Pick Up Girls" that thankfully isn't written by Neil Strauss. The scribe is Castle Rock, Colorado native Alec Greven, who wrote the 48 page hardcover without the help of a ghostwriter (although the prose is too pat not to have been heavily edited by Collins, the publisher.)  

His tips, after the jump.

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The New York Post reports Sean Penn really wanted to get it on in Gus Van Sant's biopic "Milk." The film's namesake, Harvey Bernard Milk, was the first openly gay (emphasis on "openly") American politician to be elected to public office. We assume Penn was making this choice for artistic reasons, but as always the Post could not avoid its own spin.

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An adviser at Ohio State was arrested in his friend's home for organizing and operating a $10-a-ticket raffle for a night with a young prostitute. 

This is one of those stories that just improves with every emerging detail...

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While we were working on today's story about the car chase that ended in a car crash involving another, unrelated stolen car, we started thinking about the favorite argument of many a film buff: what is the greatest chase scene of all-time? Bullit? The French Connection? Toy Story?

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As always the New York Times has published their list of notable books from Dec. 2, 2007 to the present (holiday season).The lists consists of the usual suspects: Updike, Roth (although we thought Indignation was great), Toni Morrison and the newer authors who have already written their way to modern classics and instant best sellers, such as Jhumpa Lahiri and now the seemingly unstoppable though new to America, Roberto Bolano.

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The ABC Bush interview will be the first of many farewells to that mighty president with whom we embarked on a new century. And let us just say, though we have had some rough times and our differences, in the end Mr. President, we'll still always hate you... a lot.

Here are some highlights from George W. Bush's interview with the paternal Norman Rockwell-esque Charlie Gibson that will have you reaching back into your 80s lexicon and letting fly some of your favorite grade school expressions such as, "No shit, Sherlock!" "Duh-uh!" "Thanks, Captain Obvious!" and the timeless classic, "I wish I was never born!"

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If you want to get in the pants of a fifteen-year-old boy, one way to make sure that happens is to first sleep with his father, then stick around for an encore.

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We'll always blog about nude rugby players and their calendars, particularly if the calendars are a charitable endeavor...

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According to Michael Wolff, MySpace is so over. Though we can't quite bring ourselves to bury our profile next to the Friendster grave, we knew that a long time ago. But it seems Lindsay Lohan just got the memo. What does this mean for the world? Well, for one, maybe she won't be posting so many newsworthy MySpace blog posts and two, maybe she'll be our friend on Facebook. 

If the rumor mill is right (and when is it not?) Lilo is posting on the "Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson" group on Facebook under the pseudonym "Bella Vita" and she would like you to know that she and Sam are not breaking up.

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For the ten millionth time in a row, research suggests being gay is not a choice.

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